Group of Weirdos: Ocarina of Time
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: We're all used to the parodies where Link's a brain dead oaf who screws everything up. But now, the bosses our protagonist defeats join his cause and assist with the reclamation of Hyrule, trying their hardest to stop the 'hero' from ruining everything.
1. Link has a Fairy Now

**The Boy without a Fairy Now Has a Fairy so he Likes the Fact that he Doesn't Have that Name Anymore**

The land of Hyrule was a vast one, a land of many climates and races. To the west was an immense desert inhabited by the long-nosed redheads, to the south a clear lake occupied by humanoid fish. To the north was a towering mountain covered by many living rocks, to the east a green forest full of children. It is in this forest full of children that our story begins, the story of a single boy and his attempts to save the country from a powerful tyrant of the first group of people that was mentioned. This is the story of Link. This is…

**GROUP OF WEIRDOS: OCARINA OF TIME!**

Yay.

Deep in the Kokiri Forest, the guardian of the forest, the Deku Tree, called a young fairy to his dwelling. "Navi, thou previous companion has suffered a terrible fate. One that none should ever have to go through." the great tree said.

"Poor Doug, he never stood a chance…" Navi sighed, shaking her head and mourning her old partner momentarily. "Oh well, time to move on in life. Do I get a new partner?"

"Yes, I'm assigning you to a new companion. He cannot die, the fate of the world rests on his shoulders, knees, and pancreas. Especially the pancreas, do not allow anything to happen to the pancreas. I should tell you that he's not from Kokiri forest though, and yet only he can save me from dying."

"But doesn't that dishonour our non-negotiable code?" Navi asked, pointing at some graffiti on a wall that read 'NO FAIRIES TO NOT KOKIRI CITIZENS'.

"He lives in Kokiri forest," the tree explained.

"But I thought you said he isn't from Kokiri…"

"Don't listen to me, I'm drunk!" the tree yelled, swaying slightly.

"Then how do you know you're dying?" Navi asked, tilting her head.

The tree groaned. "The doctor said I was dying," it muttered.

"It could be from alcohol poisoning," Navi suggested.

The doctor popped right beside the tree from thin air. "That is a reasonable explanation, but it unfortunately doesn't explain the parasite inside of the tree's ass," he said.

"How do you know it's there?" Navi asked suspiciously.

"It yells insults at me every time I come within twelve metres," the doctor said. The doctor then exploded.

The Deku Tree nodded. "The same with me."

-Meanwhile-

Link was sleeping happily in his tree home, which was positioned quite a distance from the ground. In his dream a talking candle was leading him to a place filled with treasures, very shiny treasures. As he followed the candle his body began to walk out the door in its sleep and fell teeth first to the ground far below. His leg twitched in mid air as Mido was walking by. "You need serious mental help," Mido said.

Link tried to stand up to punch him, but his teeth remains were wedged in the ground. By the time he got them out, Link couldn't remember what he was doing, and Navi crashed into his left eye.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Link demanded, turning around and leaving before Navi could say anything.

"I'm Navi, your fairy," Navi said coldly.

Link blinked for a minute, his eyes going out of focus. He then comprehended and cheered, doing the Angus on the ground until it started raining and the dirt became mushy. "I have to worst luck," Link muttered as he pulled himself up from the squishy mud.

"And I need you to come with me," Navi said.

"Why?" Link asked suspiciously. "I've been told not to go with strangers."

"The Deku Tree says he's dying in his drunkenness," Navi replied.

"It might be from alcohol poisoning," Link stated.

"That's what I said, and they disproved me," Navi said. "I think… Now let's go!"

"One moment, we need to climb up to my house so I can get a cheese sandwich." They climbed to Link's house where he had a cheese sandwich. After this was done, the partners exited the house. "Now we can go."

Saria ran up to the ladder from the distance. "Hi Link!" she yelled.

"Got any pizza?" was Link's only reply. He jumped down and heard multiple snaps when he landed on his legs.

"That looked painful, painful like soup on a stick," Saria's fairy said.

"You have no idea," Link said.

"I… um, see that you have a fairy," Saria said, trying to change the subject.

"Yep, I accidentally led my last partner to a gruesome death in the Lost Woods," Navi said proudly. The others stared at her blankly, although Link fell over from his broken legs.

"I need to go to the Deku Tree," Link said and began crawling in the direction. Navi took pity on him and gave link some crutches, and as he approached the path to the Deku Tree Mido stood in his way. "Hold on!" Mido said. "What does Mr. No Fairy have to do over here?"

"I think you may need to put in your contact lenses, I HAVE A FAIRY!" Link roared.

Mido took out his contact lenses and looked at Link. "Oh you do," he said. "Well I'm still not letting you through."

Link glared at Mido before smacking him in the face with one of his crutches and made sure to trample Mido on his way over. Three Deku Baba popped up in his way. "What do we have here?" the left one hissed.

"I think it's a Zora," the one in the middle said and the other two looked at it.

"Why are you even here Jez?" the one on the right asked.

"Why are you here Hur?" he middle snapped back.

"I live here!" Hur replied.

"Then I do too!" Jez replied.

"No you don't, you dug a hole!" the other one replied.

"Shut up Mor," the middle snapped. Link walked by, ignoring them, and approached the Deku Tree… which was asleep.

"Just great," Link said. "I might as well get a sword and shield while I wait." He passed Mor, Jez and Hur, who were still fighting and Mido, who tried to stand in Link's way but was trampled once more, making his way to the boulder tunnel that the Kokiri sword was hidden in.

He walked out into the square and was crushed by the boulder. Link grabbed the Kokiri sword from the chest and charged at the boulder but was crushed. Navi sweat dropped and decided to wait outside. Half an hour later, Link gave up and came out with lots of bruises and covered in blood. "I won!" he said before passing out due to lack of blood.

Navi called someone to drag Link to a more comfortable place (for he was lying on a sharp rock) but when no one came, Link woke up and went to the store. "You need rupees," the owner said and Link went out to do some pick pocketing. After an hour, he had twelve rupees, three paper clips and a ball of fluff.

"This is going to take forever!" Navi yelled, fed up at Link's slow mind.

Link replied two minutes later. "It's because of my split personalities!" he said before sitting down. "I'm bored," bored Link said before going into an evil pose.

"They shall all die at my hands!" evil Link said before normal Link stood up.

"You'll see them eventually," he said, unaware of what just happened.

"You need help. Immediately."

They snuck into the shield shop and looked from behind a cupboard at the shopkeeper. "You need to distract him," Navi said.

Link stepped out. "Could you look at me for a minute while my fairy steals a Deku shield?" Link asked and Navi fell to the floor in disbelief of just how stupid Link truly was.

When nothing happened, Link smacked the shopkeeper with a crutch and ran away. Link passed by Mido's post (Mido had gone home) and approached the Deku Tree.


	2. Inside the Drunken Deku Tree

**Inside the Drunken Deku Tree**

"I'm back, and I brought the moron!" Navi yelled.

"That's me!" Link waved.

"Took long enough!" the Deku Tree roared. "I was wondering if you were going to come back."

"I originally wasn't..."

Link looked disappointed. "You weren't?"

"Don't talk so loud!" the Deku Tree screamed. "I have a hangover!"

The boy stuck his finger in his ear, forcing his ear drums to work. "You yell loudly."

"Just kill the parasite in my ass," the Deku Tree ordered, opening his mouth wide. Link hesitated, thinking it was a trick to eat him. "Come on, hurry up! Do you know how many bugs are flying into my mouth?"

Link walked in and, surprisingly, was inside the Deku Tree! His eyes were drawn to a web in the middle of the floor. "I would avoid those webs if I were you," Navi said.

-5 seconds later-

Link was stuck on the web in the middle and couldn't get off. "I warned you," Navi said.

"HELP!"

"If I help you now, you'll never learn."

-After that-

Link climbed up a ladder and walked in a random direction, having no idea what he was doing. He saw a large hole between him and where he thought he had to go. He ran (as fast as someone with crutches could run) and tried to jump, but painfully fell down. He tried three times before noticing the vines he could climb to get there. He climbed the vines and saw some Skullwalltulas on the wall. They were basically Skulltula spiders, but as their name suggests they prefer the cosiness of walls.

Navi saw the gears turning in his head. "I know what you're thinking, and it won't work."

"How could you think of something I've never done before?" Link asked.

"I'm a mind reader."

To Navi's surprise, Link pulled out three packets of ketchup and threw one at each Skullwalltula. None hit their target.

"Why did you have those on you?"

"You never know."

Link went through a door, hoping to find more ketchup only to be viciously attacked by a near-harmless walking plant known as a Mad Scrub. Link screamed and tried to hide behind his sword. The Scrub took pity on him, knowing what it was like to be blessed with stupidity, and let him be.

"I am unstoppable!" Link boasted, striking a pose.

Navi imitated his pose. "I am with an idiot!"

He went into the next room and found a slingshot. Not questioning why such a thing was hidden in the tree's mouth, he searched the chest for ketchup, kicking it when he couldn't find anything. This did not help his legs. He went back to the Skullwalltulas and aimed his slingshot at them.

"Finally, something sensible," Navi said. The she started hitting her head on the wall when Link threw the slingshot.

Two of the Skullwalltulas died from laughing so hard. The last was deaf and blind.

Link climbed to the top, but then a big Skulltula blocked his path. "I'd appreciated it if you'd move," Link said, trying to sound polite.

The Skulltula laughed. "Not even in your dreams."

Link threw his sword at it, missed, and had to climb down to retrieve it. The Skulltula jumped down to block him again, but forgot to spin a web, and fell to his death.

"I am so unstoppable!" Link boasted.

Navi stared at him. "I don't even know what to say anymore." And then she flew onwards.

Link looked down at the spider web. "Geronimo!" he yelled, and jumped while waving his crutches. Navi cringed when Link hit the ground beside it.

"Sometimes I feel he's a waste of flesh," Navi muttered, "Or he has no short term memory what so ever."

Link set a stick of fire and threw it at Navi. Unfortunately, it missed her, but did fall back down and burn the web. Link jumped in and landed in water. "I'm drowning!" he yelled. Navi hit her head on a wall again before Link noticed that he could stand comfortably. He climbed on top of a ledge and threw a flaming stick at a web in front of a door. He went in and saw a strange contraption: a rotating, spike-covered pole above a moving platform. "I can handle this!"

-Moments later-

Link approached the door at the other end, covered in blood. "I can't believe that you couldn't see that switch," Navi muttered.

Another Mad Scrub greeted them in the next room. Link threw his shield at it and it died. "No living plants can beat me!" Link shouted into the air.

Navi approached the dead Mad Scrub, using magic fairy analysis. "It had kidney failure." Link moved on. Three Gohma Larva attacked Link.

"Can't we discuss this like civilized people?" Link asked. "Please?"

All three larva stopped, furious. In their language, please was an insult that meant "big stupidhead". This was horribly offensive to a Gohma. They attacked Link and quickly began beating the cripple. Navi stole the Kokiri sword and killed the larva.

Sadly, Link fell from a ledge and back to the beginning, forcing him to go through all of that again with the enemies respawned. After doing so he was able to progress.

Three Mad Scrubs popped up. "Intruder!" one yelled.

"We can see that," another said. The third said nothing, dying due to lack of food. The other two mourned it and Link took the chance to sneak through the door.

He looked around the enormous room, barely about to see through the darkness. A large, one-eyed, two-legged scorpion-like creature fell from the roof.

**Queen Gohma  
**_Parasitic Armoured Arachnid  
_Species: Gohma  
Hobbies: Pie eating contests  
Like: Pie  
Dislikes: Everything else

"I wonder where the parasite is," Link said, truly unable to see.

"I'm right here!" Gohma hissed.

"I hear it but I can't see it," Navi replied. "This battle is destined to go badly. It's too bad there are no sources of light in here."

"...You guys have no night vision, do you?"

"Let's light a fire," Link suggested. Gohma cackled and charged Link, throwing him across the room. Link struggled to his feet, using his crutches to run as fast as possible from what he could not see.

"This will be fun," the parasite laughed. Fortunately, Link was able to hear this and turned around, swinging his crutches randomly. One jabbed Gohma in the eye, painfully wounding it. With a hiss it ran onto the roof, tail between its legs.

"No fair!" Gohma snapped, glaring down at him. "You have weapons!"

"You have a giant tail and a barbed body!" Navi yelled back.

"Touché," Gohma replied. "But... er... I have... a... slow reaction time! That."

Link stood in the dark for three minutes. "Well the fairy says I have a slow mind, but I think she's lying," he finally said.

"I'm going to have fun taking advantage of you." Gohma laid two eggs and watched gleefully as the larva hatched. Link swung his crutches, hitting and stunning one. He grabbed it and threw it at Gohma. The monster hit the boss in the eye; Gohma fell down and landed on its back, struggling like a turtle. "Would now be a good time to surrender?"

They nodded.

"Bah."

Gohma struggled for a half hour, finally getting right-side-up. "Okay, I'll go peacefully."

Link nodded, grinning. "Excellent. Let's go!" He turned on his heel and left the room.

Navi looked up at Gohma, backing up nervously. "So... are you coming with us, then?"

"Sure, why not. I'm not in an ass-kicking mood anymore." So they left the tree.

-Outside-

"Good job L- Why is the parasite beside you?"

"Because shut up."

"Ah. Well, I'm going to die anyway," the Deku Tree said. "Ironically, after all you did, I'm about to get killed by alcohol poisoning."

Link's eye twitched. "After all I did, all the blood I spilled, YOU DIE ANYWAY?"

"Exactly, Link. I have a present though." The Deku Tree's branches began to shake.

"Is it pie?" Gohma grunted.

"A way to heal my broken bones?" Link questioned, staring up in awe.

"The Kokiri Emerald?" Navi asked.

"You were right... Link," the Deku Tree said and somehow Link's increasingly broken bones were mended.

Navi pulled out a booklet, flipping through it frantically. "But the strategy guide says that you give us the Kokiri Emerald!"

The Deku Tree sighed. "Fine." The emerald fell from above, crashing onto the fairy and trapping her underneath it. "Now Link, you must go to Hyrule Castle and talk to the princess, get the other two spiritual stone, get blasted in the face by a filthy redhead, have yourself locked in the Sacred Realm for seven years and two days, kill five more baddies, battle the king of evil, escape a crumbling tower and battle some hellish demon," it rapidly shot off.

Link blinked. "What?"

"You heard me." The Deku Tree then died.

"Fantastic," Gohma grunted. "Let's go."

Mido stood in their way, though Gohma didn't notice/care and trampled over him. They traveled to the village exit, drawing lots of terrified stares from the Kokiri on the way. "What're you all looking at?" The forest children fled Gohma's gaze.

They eventually reached the only bridge out of town. Halfway across Saria appeared from midair. Gohma did a double take, glaring at her. "What the hell? I was looking right there! Tell me your secrets!"

Saria whistled innocently, turning to the humanoid child. "You're leaving the forest now, aren't you?"

"Sadly, yes," Link answered, smiling sadly. It was a sad, sad moment of sadness.

"I always knew you'd leave one day. Because of-"

Gohma loudly cleared its throat.

Saris glared, ignoring the interruption. "Because of the other Kokiri, you haven't-"

"Boooored. Hurry it up. I have things to do." Gohma tapped its wrist impatiently.

Saria's eye twitched at the monster's intense impatience. "Fine. I knew you'd leave so I made a special present. I threw it together in about three minutes, and I never tested it, so don't blame me if it doesn't work very well."

Gohma began to drawn on the bridge. "Point please?"

Saria threw the Fairy Ocarina at Gohma, hitting it in the eye and stunning it. The instrument conveniently bounced into Link's hands. Saria stormed off, muttering strange threats about scorpions and can openers.

"That was odd," Link said, holding his new item with curiosity.

"I don't like her," Gohma growled, picking itself up. "Let's go." So they left.

In Hyrule Field, a giant owl was cleaning itself nearby when they emerged. He looked up, flying to a nearby branch. "I am Kaepora Gaebora," the owl announced, giving them a small bow.

"That's too long..." Link pouted. Suddenly, he got an idea. "Can I call you Kae Gae?"

"No."

"KG?"

"No!"

"Kilogram?"

"Just call me Kae Gae... I am here to tell you pointless babble, such as how to use that map."

"What map?" The newly dubbed Kae Gae pointed at the map he had drawn of Kokiri Forest.

"The places you've been to should be drawn by you, but the missing places are either unknown or an effect of laziness," the owl explained. "I'll see you tomorrow, aspiring hero... and every day until you enter the Temple of Time."

"What?"

"You heard me." Kae Gae spread his wings and flew away.


	3. Hyrule Field and Zelda

**Hyrule Field and Zelda**

They spent quite a long time trekking through Hyrule Field. Suddenly, night came and a bunch of Stalchildren burst from the ground. "Guuuuuurrrrrrrrr!"

Link tilted his head in confusion. "Huh?"

"Guuuuuurrrrrrrrr," the skeleton repeated.

"Makes sense," Link muttered, rubbing his chin. "But do you have to say it like that?"

"Guuuuurrrrr guuurrrrrr gurr guuurrrrrr," it explained.

"That's pretty grim," Gohma grunted.

"Guurrrr," it replied.

"To hell with you," Gohma crushed it with its tail. The others screamed and retreated.

They approached the drawbridge as morning hit, and it lowered for them. "I should... stay out here," Gohma said.

"Why?" Link questioned. Gohma's eyebrow rose. "I need protection!"

"Your fairy is perfectly capable."

"Fine... Navi, come on. Navi?" He looked around, searching for the blue ball. "Where'd she go?"

-Kokiri Forest-

"Soon they die," Navi hissed from below the Kokiri Emerald.

-Back with the "heroes"-

At Link's persistence they both entered the town. Gohma was gifted by the terrified looks it received from the citizens. They soon reached the castle gate.

"Hello, Link!" Kae Gae yelled from a tree. His head was strangely upside-down.

Link recoiled in shock. "What the hell?"

"We owls can do that," Kae Gae chuckled. "But that's not the point. I'm here to bore you with more useless babble, for it is another day!" Kae Gae laughed maniacally.

"What is it this time?" Gohma asked.

"If you can sneak past all these guards then you will meet Princess Zelda," Kae Gae explained. "There she will tell you about the Triforce, a laundry-thinking man who likes to talk to the and go on an adventure that will end with a healthy balance of great misfortune and fortune."

"What?"

"You heard me." He flew away, head still upside-down. He soon crashed into a building due to this.

"Hi, I'm Malon!" a girl who conveniently did not notice the giant owl said.

"And I'm the great Gohma!" Gohma roared, standing on its tail with its legs flexing through the air.

"That's great," Link commented.

"Are you going to the castle?" Malon asked.

Link slowly nodded. "There is a coincidence in that we are..."

"Could you find my dad, Talon? He's probably asleep."

"How do we wake him up?" Link asked. "The last time I tried to wake someone up, I ended up killing them!" Malon and Gohma gave him a weird look. "Don't ask."

"I will ask. The hell happened?"

Malon took out an egg, handing it to the boy. "When this hatches, it should be able to wake him up," she said.

He put the egg in his pocket. "Gohma, you may attract a lot of attention from the guards. Keep Malon company while I break in." He climbed some vines on a wall, quietly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

"So," Gohma started, trying to make conversation, "what do you do in your spare time?"

"Feed the horses!"

"That's you _spare_ time? Jeez, your life is boooooriiiiiing!"

Link pressed himself against the walls, still humming loudly. Two guards were talking about the current environmental situation as he jumped between two trees behind them. They turned, saw nothing, and kept talking. Suddenly the chicken hatched and began cawing loudly.

"Shut up!" Link hissed. It pecked him so Link muffled it with his hat. He snuck past the rest of the guards and found Talon sleeping. Realization hit; he put the chicken down Talon's back.

The man jumped to his feet, flailing his limbs erratically. "What the hell?" Talon ran away, crashing into a nearby inept guard."

Link entered the courtyard, seeing a happy guard walking around some hedges. He jumped on the guard's back, turning his helmet around and throwing the guard into a wall. After lots of guard bashings and bruises, he got to the yard part of the courtyard.

Someone was looking through a window. Being the ever curious child he was, Link tried to look over her head. He started jumping up and down though this rather obviously revealed his presence.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"I'm the princess. I live here."

"You must be Zelda. I'm Link."

"O...kay..." Zelda looked him up and down for a second, her eyes widening. "Hey, do you have the spiritual stone of the forest?" she asked.

Link searched his pocket. "Somewhere," he muttered. "I must have left it lying around. I'll get Gohma to find it."

"I had a dream about someone with the spiritual stone of the forest," Zelda explained. "The person had the stone, and had a large scorpion beside them. And they didn't seem to know where they were going."

"That must have been me and Gohma. We got lost."

"Well, you have to keep the forest stone safe, because it's a key to get to the Triforce!"

"Is that a type of camera?"

"You're thinking about a tri_pod_. This is the Tri_force_." Zelda sighed for the first of what would be many times. "It'll grant the wish of whoever touches it."

"So it's kind of like a one-shot genie."

"Stop interrupting me! The three very extremely important goddesses, who I can't remember the names of, made the Triforce where they left this realm."

"Probably to the pizza realm. I had a dream once where-"

"**I'M TALKING RIGHT NOW!**" Her scream sent a shockwave across not only the kingdom but time and space itself. Link was quiet. The castle guards were quiet. Gohma and Malon were quiet. Saria was quiet. Darunia was quiet. King Zora was quiet. Koume and Kotake were quiet. Igos du Ikana was quiet. Molgera was quiet.

"Anyway, where they left to the pizza realm- Wait a minute… You messed me up!"

Link held his hands out defensively, backing up. "Not my fault!"

"Anyway, they left this realm at a certain spot high, high in the sky, in some strangely coloured blue void that is clearly a one polygon texture background, and that's part of some place called the Sacred Realm," Zelda explained.

"That's probably where I…" Link shut up when he saw Zelda's glare. It could have frozen a ReDead.

"Well to get to the Sacred Realm, you must have all three spiritual stones from the different lands," Zelda continued. "And you need the royal family's treasure. Guess what it is," she added in monotone when Link opened his mouth.

"A necklace?"

"No."

"A pelican?"

Zelda was silent. "No."

"The crown?"

"No."

"An Ocarina that can go through time and is conveniently named the Ocarina of Time?"

"That was mighty specific."

"It's on the game cartridge," Link replied as he held up an Ocarina of Time cartridge.

"I don't... whatever. Well, I'll keep it safe."

"Why can't I have it? My ocarina sucks, pleeeaaase!" Link went to his knees, begging.

"Because you'll gnaw on it, like that." A shoe fell from the sky, crashing into Link skull and stopping his gnawing of the fairy ocarina.

"I think Saria's watching me..."

-Kokiri Forest-

"The catapult works great!" Saria randomly announced. "Now I can get rid of everything I don't want." She softly placed an armed grenade in the contraption. "Can't have risks!" She fired.

-Castle Town-

Everyone looked up to see an explosion cloud in the sky. They ignored it.

"I was spying through the window when you came," Zelda said. "There's a person in there who I think wants to steal the Triforce."

"Can I have a look?" Link asked. Zelda moved aside, allowing him to gaze in.

Ganondorf walked into view. "The guy with the spiked hair is named Ganondorf," Zelda explained. "Who knows what evil reasons he wants the Triforce for?"

'I hope the Triforce will give me a suitable washing machine,' Ganondorf thought. 'Mine always eats my clothes so I have to wear armour to cover up the fact that I only wear boxers beneath. Stupid primitive technology.'

"Probably something laundry related," Link said, remembering Kaepora.

"I don't know why I chose you to help..."

Ganondorf saw Link staring at him. He turned to the king. "Sir, there's a little green kid who I doubt should be on the premises watching me through a window," Ganondorf he announced.

The king did not look up from his mad libs. "Meh."

"When the throne is mine, you'll be first to go."

-Back outside-

"Did he see you?" Zelda asked.

"No duh!"

"Well don't worry, he won't approach you unless he's able to chase me out of town on a horse," Zelda reassured. "And that'll _never_ happen."

"Okay, but maybe I should go now. Before I get reported."

"All right. Here's a letter of clearance to Death Mountain." Zelda quickly scribbled on a sheet and handed it to him.

"It's just a name, right?" Link asked, nervously accepting the letter.

"Nope, completely serious. My attendant/watcher/cook/assassin will lead you to the exit." At Zelda's command, a very tall woman approached the boy.

"I'm Impa, and I need to teach you a song that you won't really use for very long, or have much interest in." Impa whistled Zelda's Lullaby.

Link struggled to play it on his poorly constructed ocarina. "This thing sucks!" From nowhere came a moldy pie, breaking his nose.

Impa found nothing unusual about this. "I'll take you to the exit."


	4. Songs, Songs and More Songs

**Songs, Songs and More Songs**

"So tell me something you do that _doesn't _involve animals," Gohma grunted.

Malon went into a deep thought, looking into the sky. "I sleep… wait, I have a stuffed animal. I eat, but we occasionally eat meat. Sometimes I go for a walk… no, I bring Epona…"

Gohma let out an exasperated sigh, wishing the main source of entertainment would return already. Suddenly Link approached them. "Oh, there's Link, gotta go, bye, see you never again." Gohma quickly grabbed Link and hurled him into Hyrule Field, following on foot.

-After recovery-

"The strategy guide says I have to go to the ranch and learn a song from Malon," Link read.

Gohma's eye twitched. "I think I'll wait out here."

Link shrugged. "While you're not coming in, could you go get the Kokiri Emerald? I left it in the forest and I heard it's really important."

"Sure, whatever." They went their separate ways, one intent on gaining information and one intent on having a bath.

Upon entering, Link immediately saw Ganondorf sitting at a table enjoying a cheeseburger. "What are you doing here?"

The Gerudo King recognized the kid, but answered instead of confronting him. "Lon Lon Ranch is also a restaurant," he explained. "I came here for lunch."

"Well have you seen Malon anywhere?" Link asked his soon-to-be mortal enemy.

Ganondorf pointed at the track. Link followed his finger and saw her talking to an apathetic horse. Ignoring his common sense asking how she could have beaten his torpedo-like speed, Link approached them. "Hi, did you come to have a cheeseburger?" Malon asked, brushing the horse's side. "We're giving them at half price today! Or maybe horse radish-"

"I'm just here to learn a song."

Malon whistled Epona's Song. Link tried to play it, and the Ocarina made it sound horrible. He was about to comment when an explosion appeared on the horizon. He thought it best to simply say nothing.

Link quickly fled indoors in case Saria struck again, entering a nearby house. Talon slept calmly on the floor, snoring loudly. Link kicked him.

He jumped up, looking around. "What's going on, is there a war?"

"No, I just felt the urge to kick you."

"Oh. That happens sometimes, no worries." And idea wormed its way into Talon's head. "Well how about playing my Super Cucco game? I'll throw three Cuccos into this batch and if you can tell them apart, you win!"

"How can _you_ tell them apart?"

"I have my ways," Talon slyly answered, chuckling to himself. It turned out the Super Cuccos were murderous and killed all the others, but Link was still having trouble guessing. He stared at the three for a minute and pointed at a dead one. Talon shook his head. It took Link ten minutes to point out all of them. "How'd you know?" Talon whined.

"Lucky guess," Link said, shrugging. Talon's reward was a bottle full of milk which the hero poured down Ingo's pants. He quickly left to avoid Ingo's wrath and met up with Gohma and Navi at the exit.

"Saria said she wants to talk to you," Navi explained to Link. "She's in the Sacred Forest Meadow."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes," Navi replied. "She has to teach you a song that will let you talk to her."

"Then why couldn't she have taught you?"

"I want to bring you back to the forest for reasons I'm not at liberty to explain," Navi explained… well, not actually.

Link followed Navi, completely oblivious to the giant swinging axes that missed him or Navi's loud swearing. He entered the forest and went to the Lost Woods. In that location he got lost about eighteen times before encountering Kaepora Gaebora.

"We meet again!" Kae Gae jovially declared.

"How do you always know where we are?" Navi questioned irately.

The owl risked a nervous glance at his clearly visible security cameras. "Coincidence," he eventually replied. "Now if you manage to get through without screwing up then you'll reach the Sacred Forest Meadow, a secret ground where very few have walked."

"Have you?" Link asked.

"Yes, but just Saria and me actually," Kae Gae said.

"I have," Gohma grunted. Kae Gae ignored this.

"Well, once you get there- Wait, I hear something; A melody!"

Navi, Link and Gohma looked around, none of them able to hear anything. Link took aim with his slingshot.

"I'll go now." Kaepora flew off.

The three eventually managed to get to the meadow, a Wolfos burst from the ground to greet them. It howled; Link had about twelve miniature heart attacks at once. The Wolfos tripped over its own tail and knocked itself out. Gohma followed this by devouring it whole.

"That's just gross," Navi muttered.

Gohma shrugged in indifference. "In my race's nature."

"You're the only of your species!" Link hoarsely yelled.

"For now. One day I'll have dozens of descendants although that line will probably end when they annoy a weird dragon. I expect myself to have the most common sense," Gohma hissed, receiving strange stares from the other two. Link was actually making funny faces that were followed by him passing out for six hours. This incident would be referred to as "The Great Dumbening" by future generations.

They entered the hedge rows and a Mad Scrub attacked. Gohma roared, every Scrub in the maze retreating and killing themselves.

After a few minutes, they reached Saria. "Took long enough," she said. "I was wondering if you'd come!"

"So why'd I come?" Link asked, crossing his arms.

Saria looked into the trees, a calm wind blowing through their leaves. "I feel that this place will be very important for both of us one day. Especially in seven years when you get told to come here and fight tons of Moblins before entering the forest temple and fighting ghosts, skeletons and decaying hands before battling a spirit known as Phantom Ganon and entering the Chamber of the Sages and being given two big revelations in a row."

Link was silent. "What?"

"You heard me," Saria replied.

"Why do people always do that...?"

"Now I want you to be able to talk to me, so I'll teach you a song I wrote."

"Is it that annoying song I hear throughout this place, because that song makes me want to kill."

"It's an awesome song you brat! Ugh, just play it." She played Saria's Song, gesturing for Link to do so as well. He blew into his instrument. The Ocarina squealed and Link cringed. He was about to comment when he saw an old moss covered boot in Saria's hand.

"I'm gonna go now," Link muttered and ran out of the Lost Woods and into Hyrule Field.

Navi, Gohma and Saria stared at the flaming trail he had left, watching the fire spread throughout the forest. "And I'm gone." Gohma trudged off.

"And I follow." Navi flew up.

Saria sighed. "And I hate everyone."

They assembled outside of the forest boundaries. "Time to go to Death Mountain for the first time," Navi said.

"First time?"

"You'll get it later."

They walked across Hyrule Field and into the distant Kakariko Village. "I've never seen this place before," Link said. "But I've heard there's a graveyard! Let's go grave robbing!" He grabbed a shovel and rushed over to the graveyard, the others staring at his back.

"Has he always been this stupid?" Gohma questioned.

Navi shrugged. "Probably, but I only met him an hour before you."

"Let's grab something to drink."

"Let's."

Link was searching the tombstones for any signs of richness until he found the royal family's tomb. "They're _sure_ to be loaded!" he exclaimed, cackling loudly. He tried to dig, soon learning that thin metal does not beat thick stone.

Link sat on the Triforce symbol, dropping the broken metal at his side. "I'll just play my terrible Ocarina." A pancake hit him in the face. He brushed it off, muttering vindictively and then played Zelda's Lullaby.

The sky darkened; lightning flashed through the sky with insane speed. Fearing the wrath of the gods, Link stood on top of the tombstone. "Um, I'm really big!" he said, trying to sound threatening. He held up his sword. "And armed-"

Link was struck by lightning and the entire tombstone exploded. He fell down the new hole, being instantly swarmed by bats. Screaming out at the sudden change in situations, he closed his eyes and swung wildly. Soon all the bats were dead. "I'm good." Truthfully, the bats died of laughter, a common fatality among monsters. Link entered the next room and saw a ReDead, face to face. He was frozen solid in fear. Then Navi and Gohma entered, quickly dispatching of the monsters.

"We didn't actually think you'd blow up a tomb!" Gohma grunted. "Tell us when you're going to do something awesome next time!"

"Huh? Oh, uh, sorry, I'll let you know and do it next time."

They entered the next room, finding an inscription inscribed on the wall.

"The rising sun will eventually set,  
A newborn's life will fade.  
From sun to moon, moon to sun,  
Give peaceful rest to the living dead," Gohma recited. "Weak."

Link saw a carving just underneath. "It looks like a song," he said, forcing himself to play it on his poorly crafted ocarina. It took many tries to successfully perform seeing as Link was not well versed in sheet music. Suddenly, it turned to night outside. They went back to the previous room and found all the new ReDeads frozen.

"Ha! They can't get me now!" he laughed, taunting them. As if karma itself wanted him dead, one unfroze one jumped onto his back, biting into his shoulder. Link screamed and fell onto his back, conveniently smothering it with his back. The monster struggled for a moment, eventually suffocating.

Gohma picked him up, pushing the kid toward the exit. "Why can no one ever kill something through conventional means?"


	5. Death Mountain: Not a Name!

**Death**** Mountain****: Not a Name!**

Link, Gohma and Navi walked and/or flew up the guard of the Death Mountain Trail. "We have a letter of clearance," Link said, handing the guard the letter.

"Okay, try not to die." The guard opened the gate. Link and Navi flew in, but the guard stopped Gohma. "Sorry, no where in that letter does it mention anything like you."

Gohma almost laughed. "Little man, are you really trying to tell the giant barbed monster that it can't come through?"

"...No..."

"I thought not."

They all walked up the trail, quickly being attacked by a random Tektite. Link screamed and tried to hide behind Navi. The fairy stole Link's sword and stabbed the Tektite in the face. It didn't die, so Link set it on fire. It was still alive. Being fed up at the undying monster, Gohma devoured it whole.

"No offense Gohma, but that is truly, truly gross," Link said. "It makes me want to tear my own eyes out every time I see you do it."

"Then I'm doing my job correctly, heh heh." They crawled up the trail and saw a large boulder that looked just too conveniently placed to not be blocking anything. Gohma tried to lift it, but it was too heavy and the scorpion fell over, crushing another Tektite. This one actually died.

"That's the Dodongo's Cavern," a nearby rock said.

Link nodded at the rock. "Ah, I see." He blinked. "Huh?"

All of them stared at the rock in confusion until it uncurled, revealing a Goron.

"Cool, can all rocks do that?" Link asked, awed by the rock's transformation.

"We aren't rocks, we're Gorons."

"Or do only the brown ones?"

"I told you, we're Gorons!"

"Or maybe you're a mutant rock from a parallel time period!"

"You aren't even listening, are you?"

"Probably, once I have a spinach leave from another dimension in my backyard…"

"Is he always this stupid?" Link's companions nodded sadly.

After Link was knocked out, gagged, tied up and slung over Gohma's back, they proceeded to trek toward Goron City. Upon learning that Gohma's barbs were stabbing the boy, they took pity and simply put him on a leash.

As all of them preceded, a Goron came bouncing at them and knocked Link flat off the ledge. Fortunately, the leash made it so he was hanging by his neck instead of falling to his death.

Navi looked at her watch. "Just a minute left in the day," she said. At their stares, she explained further. "The owl."

At a few seconds remaining, Kae Gae flew up to them. "Dammit!" Link yelled, throwing his hat to the ground. He quickly picked it up and apologized, stroking it soothingly.

"And I must honour the fact that I appear to you every day," Kae Gae said. "However, you're behind schedule. By now I should be talking to you on the top of the mountain."

"What schedule?"

Kae Gae ignored Link. "Well, I'll leave now so that this visit doesn't count as tomorrow's!" Kae Gae bowed and flew off, disappearing around the mountain a second before midnight.

It was agreed to ignore that meeting. They entered Goron City where Gohma decided to let their pet roam free. As soon as he was free, Link walked straight off the ledge. He bounced off three stories and landed on the ground at the bottom.

It took Link some time, but he was eventually able to get up. "So where what now?" he slurred.

Navi took out the strategy guide. "You need to find Darunia," she explained.

Link stared at Navi with a confused look for nearly half an hour. Navi was about to leave him there when he _finally_ said, "Who the hell is that?"

"That guy," Gohma said, pointing through the door to Darunia.

"Is it some kind of Swiss army cake?"

"I- What? He's right there."

"Or maybe it's a giant Ingo."

"Darunia's right there you idiot!"

"Or perhaps Gohma's dad…"

Gohma picked Link up in the most painful way possible and launched him into Darunia's chamber like a Peruvian football, blasting him through the Goron leader's door. His impact created a small crater at Darunia's feet.

"Who the hell are you?" Darunia asked. "And how'd you get passed my security door?"

"Rather painfully," Link groaned. "I hurt all over."

"I'm in a bad mood, so go away!"

"But I'm the royal messenger, or something like that... I think... Ow..."

"_You're_ a royal messenger," Darunia repeated mockingly. "Of course you are."

"That's my name… don't… my head hurts… where am I?"

Gohma squeezed in, but before Darunia could say anything it stole the crappy Fairy Ocarina and played Saria's song. It played the song perfectly. The only thing wrong was that the ocarina sucked. Darunia roared, covering his ears.

"ALRIGHT! I'LL BE NICE IF YOU MAKE IT STOP!"

Gohma stopped playing and threw the instrument at Link.

"So what did you come for, anyway? What? You came for the Spiritual Stone of Fire? The Spiritual Stone of Fire, or the Goron's Ruby, is a sacred stone, we can't just give it because you asked for it."

"The hell are you going on about?" Gohma grunted.

Darunia continued. "If you cleared of the Dodongo's Tavern, we'd gladly give it to you."

It eventually just shrugged. "Sure, whatever."

Navi looked at the strategy guide. "Now that I look at this, you aren't even supposed to be in this Gohma," Navi said.

"In my perfect reality, you'd be picked apart piece by piece. Want to see which of us can get rid of the other faster?"

"Not really."

"I thought not."

"Oh, and here's the Goron's Bracelet, it'll let you lift bomb flowers," Darunia added, handing it to Gohma.

"Why can't I get anything?" Link pouted, having finally regained movement.

"Because you aren't annoying."

"That's a challenge right there! Um... Aha!" Link grabbed an oil lamp and smashed it over his knee. "How do you like me breaking your stuff, eh?"

Darunia gasped and tightly hugged Link. "You got rid of that cursed lamp for good! Every time a Goron destroys it, it comes back! Thank you! So much!"

Link thought Darunia was trying to kill him, for every bone in his body was being turned to dust, so he grabbed his Deku Shield and started hitting the Goron in the head. With Link's strength it felt like a massage, so he let the action continue. Fortunately, he soon realized that Link's face was turning blue and let the child go.

"Um, will you forget about that if I give you this?" Darunia said nervously as he threw a Goron's Bracelet.

"Forget what?" Link asked, putting it on.

"Thanks!"

"No, seriously, I can't remember anything from the last hour. Weren't we just talking to Kae Gae?"

They walked out of Goron City. After they finished telling Link about what had happened, a Tektite jumped at them. It would have killed Link had he not seen something shiny on the ground and bent over to pick it up. It jumped over him and landed in Goron City. The Gorons, who consider Tekites a delicacy second only to rocks, all jumped on it. However, it was Medigoron who devoured it whole. In anger, they destroyed his special project, making him need to take seven years to make it.

"That was really weird," Navi said.

"Shiny!" Link shouted, standing up with a reflective rock in his hands.

-Later-

Link walked to a ledge where he had a clear view of Dodongo's Tavern. "That must be the thing that's blocked by the boulder," Link pointed out.

"And the large Neon sign above it while we walked up wasn't a clue," Gohma grunted.

"I know." Ignoring Gohma's facepalm, he picked up a bomb flower. He started to aim it, not realizing it was glowing red in his hand. "Okay, should I throw it at this angle?" Link asked, not noticing the other two steping back. "Or-"

The bomb flower exploded in his hand. When the smoke cleared Link was lying on the ground, twitching every few seconds.

Gohma and Navi looked at him. "Let's poke him with a stick."


	6. Dodongo's Tavern

**Dodongo's Tavern**

Link finally woke up, picked up another bomb flower, and blindly threw it.

The Goron curled beside Dodongo's Tavern felt something bounce off him. He uncurled and saw a bomb flower. "Don't mind if I do." It ate the flower

When Link didn't hear an explosion, he threw another bomb flower. It landed directly beside the Goron, and would've blown up allowing them to continue their quest had not the Goron eaten it as well. Link threw many more bomb flowers, one finally avoiding the Goron's bottomless stomach and shattering the boulder. This of course killed the Goron.

"FINALLY!" Link hopped over the fence, falling fifty feet onto solid rock. Gohma took the long yet painless path.

-Several minutes of recovery later-

Link, Navi and Gohma all walked into Dodongo's Tavern. There was a bolted door and a Dodongo bouncer doodling on the floor. "Gotta reservation?" it grunted.

Navi went first. "Uh, yeah. I'm… er… Gumbo… Smith…"

The Dodongo looked at the list. "Ah, yes. Go in Miss Smith."

Surprised that actually worked Navi, went in.

Gohma was next. "I'm Gohma."

"Ah, Gohma, please have a good time inside."

Link walked up. "Hello, I'm Sir Quapullpin VIII," he confidently proclaimed.

The Dodongo looked him over, snickering loudly. "Nice try, bud," the Dodongo said. "Everyone knows Sir Quapullpin VIII died in the great fairy's last public appearance. Tragic, really."

Link thought for a second, stroking his chin. "Can I _make_ a reservation?"

The Dodongo blinked, looking through his list. "Actually, there's lots of spare room," it said. "I don't know why no one ever asks that. Yeah, go ahead."

Link told the Dodongo his name, address, age and bank information. He was then permitted entry. What greeted him inside was a barrage of loud music by the most mediocre Dodongo bongo players, flashing spotlights supplies by the least enthusiastic Beamos statues, and moderately skilled Dodongos dancing on the central column. Gohma and Navi were both at the bar to the left.

Link walked over and met them.

"You the legal age?" the Dodongo barman asked.

"I'm ten."

"You're the Dodongo legal age then. That's three in case you wanted to know."

"I didn't, really."

"Too bad. You know now and that knowledge ain't going anywhere."

"What if I hit myself in the head a lot?"

"Then I'll laugh my ass off."

Just to the left, three Beamos were doing an unimpressive light-show. "I really need to be paid extra for night shifts," the closest one to them said.

"And I continue to not care," Gohma grunted. "What were we supposed to do here?"

"I think Darunia wanted us to get some food from for them," Navi explained.

Link stood up. "Alright!" He stopped though. "What do Gorons eat?"

-Goron City-

"We eat rocks," Darunia told them. "We'd go in there, but they banned all Gorons since we learned alcohol gives Gorons gas attacks so momentous that it can simulate volcanic eruptions. It's disgusting, really. However, the Dodongos are okay with us sending people to get the rocks for us."

-Back inside-

"Oh, so you're here for the Gorons' annual food supplying," the bartender Dodongo said. "Yeah, you'll need to talk to the king about that."

"So where's kingy?" Link asked, sipping on the alcohol he was provided.

"If you enjoy life, you'll never call him that in front of him. That was his ex's nickname for him."

"Noted," Link said, scratching it down on a notepad he brought.

"Go to the giant head," the bartender said. "Tell the bat Darunia sent you for his food and he'll open the door."

"Into another mouth we go," Navi muttered.

They followed his instructions to the letter, entering a large room with a few fire Keese fluttering around. "You come to see the boss?" one asked.

"Yeah, we're here to collect the Goron food supply," Navi responded.

"Alright, go right in." The bars on a door opened without any trigger. Not wanting to question it, the three entered the door. Inside was a small room that featured a small hole in the middle, one barely large enough for Link to squeeze down."

"I can't fit in that," Gohma grunted. "I'll just be getting drunk then."

Navi flew down the hole and Link followed. The hero landed feet first on the stone floor, cracking his ankles. Thankfully, he did not fall in the large lava pit to the left.

King Dodongo stood behind them, wondering to himself why they went down the ventilation shaft instead of taking the stairs. He cleared his throat. Link stood there, still looking the wrong way, apparently oblivious. "Uh, Link..." Navi poked him, trying to alert the boy to the presence of the enormous monster before it became angry. King Dodongo cleared his throat once again, getting no results.

"Why have I been hurt so much Navi? I'm a kid, but I get bones broken on an hourly basis."

"Hello!" King Dodongo shouted, shaking the foundations of the chamber. He jabbed Link in the back of the head with a vicious claw. Link swatted him away, still focusing on his pain.

"I don't have time for this." King Dodongo blasted fire at him.

Link was shot across the room, crashing into a wall. "Hi..."

"Finally," King Dodongo growled. "Now how may I help you and why did you drop from the roof?"

Navi looked at the strategy guide, shaking her head. "Something is seriously wrong with this entire world," she muttered.

"Well, we're here to get the Goron's food," Link explained, limping back to the dragon's side.

"Ah, so you're this month's collector," King Dodongo pointed out, nodding.

"Er… yeah, whatever," Navi said, snapping her book shut. "So can we have it?"

King Dodongo thought. "I'll tell you what. You do me a favour, I get you the food," he said.

"I hate favours," Link muttered. "Does this one involve going in any more mouths?"

"I... don't even think they have mouths. Just kill all five Armos statues in this place. They annoy our customers in the bathrooms and I don't want to deal with them myself, okay?"

Link laughed. "How hard can a statue be?"

-A few minutes later-

"Very hard!" Link's sword bounced off the statue, barely leaving a mark. He dodged its follow up attack, facing off against it.

"Why did you say that?" his fairy questioned.

"I don't know!"

Navi shook her head, tossing him a sack. "Use this!"

"Okay!" Link beat the Armos over the head with the sack. On the second impact it violently exploded, demolishing the statue and burning Link's hands.

"There are bombs in that you idiot!"

"I noticed!" She handed him some more, and using them the second Armos statue was destroyed. They proceeded to destroy two more using this explosive method.

They entered another room and two Lizofols jumped from the roof, brandishing their swords. "Hi, you seen any Armos?" Link asked one. It held up its sword. "They're these statue things with-"

The first swing nearly killed Navi.

"-these sword things. They-"

Navi stole the Kokiri sword and began doing battle with the Lizofol.

"-hop around. You seen any- HEY! GIMME MY SWORD BACK!" Link stole his sword back just as Navi was about to deliver the finishing blow. The Lizofol, thinking Link meant to do battle, attacked him. "Hey, watch where you swing that, you could've killed me!"

The Lizofol jumped behind him and slashed. Link ducked the attack, the Lizofol throwing itself off balance and falling in the exposed lava.

"Aw, I think he was trying to tell me."

The second Lizofol tried to jump-slash him, but Gohma ate it. "The drinks at this place suck."

They continued and found the fourth Armos, which Link blew up after getting beaten to a twitching pulp.

There was only one more, which was destroying the refreshments table. Link threw a bomb which killed it, also blowing up the refreshments.

They went back to King Dodongo. "We killed all the Armos," Link said.

"Many thanks," he said, pulling out a key. "Just of of curiosity though, what are a kid, a fairy and my hated enemy doing on Death Mountain?"

"Pissing in your morning coffee," Gohma grunted.

"We're trying to get three Spiritual Stones to obtain a magical relic that can make any wish come true," Link explained, smiling the whole time. Navi flew face first into a wall.

"Any wish," King Dodongo repeated, stroking his chin. The light bulb could almost be seen shining above his head. "May I be permitted to accompany you?"

"Sure!"

"Excellent. Well, here are the rocks. Who wants to pull the cart?"

Link began jumping around the room. "I do, I do!"

-One hour later-

Link pushed against the floor, sweat dripping from his forehead as he heaved the wooden cart. His arms shook, adrenaline flooding his system. He stepped forward again, the dirt sliding out from under him and sending the boy to the ground. "I can't go on," he gasped.

They stood on the other side of Kingy's office. "I think I'll do it," the Dodongo King said.

"Good idea."

"Sounds great to me."

Gohma grabbed Link with its tail, pulling him across the rough stone behind King Dodongo. Within five minutes, they were outside. Somehow, Darunia dropped from the sky.

"Well done!" Darunia exclaimed, patting Link (breaking his knees), Navi (smashing her skull into the ground) and Gohma (it's not very effective) on their backs. "I'm gladly making you my sworn brother, sister and…" Gohma raised an eyebrow, motioning for him to continue. "…as of now unclassified. In addition, I'm giving the Spiritual Stone to you, my family!"

A magnificent jewel was held forward, shining red under the afternoon sun. Gohma took it while its companions regained their footing.

Darunia turned to King Dodongo. "I guess these three helped you?"

"Yep."

"So can we Gorons come back in?"

"Hell no."

"Dammit!"

Link staggered to his feet, standing shakily on the loose gravel. Darunia smiled down at him. "There's a Great Fairy on top of Death Mountain who may be able to help you in your quest," he said.

"What quest?" Link slurred. "Where am I? Who are you? Who am I? What's the legal drinking age for Dodongos?"

"Three."

"Dammit!"


	7. Return of the Invincible Tektite

**Return of the Invincible Tektite**

The four scaled the mountain, searching for the Great Fairy. Link and King Dodongo competed to see who could destroy the most boulders, one punching them to pieces and the other bombing them. "Maybe you should use the bombs," the dragon suggested at the sight of Link's bloody fist.

"Y-yeah..."

They got on top when the volcano began erupting. Link dove under Gohma for protection, and Gohma dove under King Dodongo. "You are my new meat shield," the arachnid declared.

"To hell with this, I'm outta here!" He took off; Gohma quickly followed. Navi, seeing the strongest members of their party fleeing, followed suit, leaving only Link. A flaming ball of rock shot from the mountain, coming down at him. Link instinctively brought up his shield only to have the rock smash it in half.

"I need a stronger shield," Link decided as he ran for his life. "One of those graves in Kakariko is sure to be a warrior's and have a shield. Yeah! Link, you're a genius."

Link leaped off Death Mountain. It was the stupidest thing he had ever done. The impact all but killed him.

Link limped into the graveyard and went to one of the two graves beside the Royal Family's Tomb. "These guys must be important!" Link exclaimed. "They're probably loaded!" He read the tomb.

R.I.P  
Sharp the Elder

Suddenly a Poe with a composer's baton appeared. Link screamed and hid behind the tombstone, causing the Poe to seethe in rage.. "How dare you hide behind my tombstone!" Sharp hissed, attacking.

Link turned around and trying to run, finding himself cornered against a cliff wall. He closed his eyes and threw his sword, impaling Sharp, turning him into a fiery mist.

"AAAARRRGGHH!" Sharp yelled. "YOU… KILLED… ME! Unbelievable!"

Link opened his eyes, blinking in shock. "Actually, I found it very easy."

"Wait, you aren't a servant of Ganondorf?"

"You mean that guy who likes cheeseburgers?" Link asked, picking his ear with a shard of his shield. "Nope, I only heard of him a few days ago."

"Oh, well... Hi then. Guess what I made with my brother?"

"Some kind of candy cane that kills people?" Link asked.

Sharp tilted his ghostly fire head. "What… the… hell? We made the Sun's Song you idiot!"

"Oh, I know that! You must be those composer brothers, right?"

"Nooo, we're a couple of attorneys!" Sharp groaned. "Of course we are! I'm done." The ghost faded away.

"No need to be so cynical." Suddenly, another ghost appeared. Link screamed and jumped into a random grave which conveniently contained a chest which conveniently held a shield. "Now who would bury themselves with a standard shield?" Link asked aloud.

He stole it and ran out of the grave, returning to Death Mountain.

Link ran as fast as he could across the path, but was charred, burned, incinerated, yes incinerated, and pretty much every other synonym of these words along the way. When he finally found Dodongo, Gohma and Navi, they were playing cards at the other end. "Thanks for the help, guys."

Link leaned against a wall, accidentally activating a bomb which blew a hole in the wall, revealing a cave.

"That may be where the fairy is," Navi analyzed.

"I hurt…" Link moaned from the ground. "I think I left my sword in the graveyard…" Gohma picked Link up and threw him in, following along with Navi. King Dodongo had some trouble fitting but this was rectified by ripping half of the mountain open.

The Great Fairy rose from her fountain, twirling around before settling in a midair sitting position. When she looked at them, they were all lying on the ground clawing at their eyes and throats, barely living. "The horror," Dodongo moaned.

"Welcome, I can gift you with magic power should you like," the fairy said.

"Then can we leave?" Link calmly queried as he decided which shield shard to push into his eye.

"Well, yes…"

"THEN ZAP US ALREADY SO WE CAN GET ON WITH OUR FADING LIVES!" Gohma yelled.

The fairy zapped them with magic and they quickly fled, desperate to escape the horrific sight that was a Great Fairy.

"That was close, I thought we were done for!" King Dodongo panted.

"So where now?" Link asked.

Navi began flipping through her guidebook. "Some place called Zora's Domain."

Link turned to the north. "Well let's go!"

King Dodongo tapped him on the shoulder. "You're facing the wrong way."

"No, you're facing the wrong way!"

"We're facing the same way!"

"Hello, hello. What do we have here?" Kae Gae, who was sitting on the sign on Death Mountain, said.

"Why do you keep following us?" Link demanded.

Kae Gae began writing something on a sign with his foot. "Because I enjoy bugging you and am not bugged myself with snipers pointed at me from every direction." He carved HELP ME on the sign.

"Um, I think we'll go now," Navi said, gesturing for the others to escape.

"Wait! I owe them ten thousand rupees! You gotta help me!"

"Nope," Gohma grunted.

"But I won't have to bug you anymore…"

"Come on, we gotta help the guy," Link said. "For our sakes- I mean… um… anyone have lots of rupees?"

"Well, I know I need to take a crap," Gohma said. "So I'll be a minute." Gohma walked behind a large boulder.

Link and Navi turned to look at King Dodongo. "No," he growled, barring his teeth. "Absolutely not!"

"Think of the group," Link pleaded. "We could get rid of Kilogram for good!"

"The group can go to hell for all I care! Stay away from my money!"

After a few minutes, they had ten thousand rupees much to King Dodongo's anger. Navi presented the sack to Kaepora. "Here, now leave us alone!" The owl took them in its talon, bowing lightly and flying off. "And what's taking Gohma?"

"I have a slight problem," Gohma shouted from just out of sight. "Remember that Tektite I ate that wouldn't fucking die?"

"Easily," Link said. "It drove me crazy."

A skeletal Tektite jumped over the rock and hissed at them as Gohma came around. "Well it isn't dead. And it's just as annoying."

Link looked at his new bombs, then the Tektite, then the bombs, then the Tektite, then the bombs, then the Tektite, then his empty hand, then Navi approaching the Tektite with the bombs, then his hand, then Navi throwing the bombs at the Tektite, then his hand, then the Tektite attacking Navi, then his hand, then Gohma lunging at the Tektite, then his hand, then King Dodongo helping, then his hand, then Navi causing the Tektite to retreat with the bombs, and lastly his hand. After a few seconds of silence, he said, "I know, I'll use the bombs!"

"We've got a genius here," Gohma grunted, bashing him over the head.

After Link retrieved his sword from the graveyard, they went into Hyrule Field. "So I know we're going to the land of the fish people, but does anyone here know where that actually is?" Gohma asked.

"Nope."

"Nuh-uh."

"Not a clue."

"Dammit."

After aimless walking all day, Navi got an idea. "Why don't we ask Saria?" she asked.

"How would Saria know?" Link asked. "She doesn't even make a decent Ocarina!" A screaming Moblin fell from the sky, crashing onto him.

"He never learns," Navi sighed, shaking her head.

After Link managed to miraculously survive, he decided to call Saria using the song.

"Hello, Saria here."

"Hi, it's Link," Link said. "I was wondering if you knew anything about fish people and where we can find them."

"Oh, I think so," Saria said. "The Deku Tree told me something about Zoras and a river. I wasn't paying too much attention because I was caught up in putting a catapult target lock on… um… 'someone'."

"O...kay. So follow a river then?"

"Yup!"

So Link led them to Gerudo Valley.

"I don't think this is the right river," Navi pointed out.

"Nonsense!" Link said before jumping in. Dodongo, Gohma and Navi all looked at each other before turning around and heading for the _right_ river.

"So I wonder when I get to- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he fell over a waterfall. "Well, at least it's over- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! I wonder how many more there are- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

For the rest of the day, Link fell over waterfalls.

Kaepora Gaepora was enjoying the clean air of Lake Hylia when Link walked up to him, drenched and tired. "Hey! I thought you didn't have to follow me anymore!"

"I was here first," Kae Gae replied.

"Was not!"

"If I wasn't, how did _you_ walk up to _me_?"

"I... don't know." Link sat down, bashing his head on the rock and giving himself his biggest concussion thus far. "Where am I?" he asked himself.

Kae Gae sighed, picking Link up with his talons and taking off. He flew to Hyrule Field where the other three were and dropped Link on Gohma's back, wounding him further.


	8. The Zora Mental Asylum

**The Zora Mental Asylum**

By the time Link managed to regain memory of everything, they were halfway up Zora's River. "Where are we?" he asked.

"Halfway up Zora's River," Navi replied.

"Halfway up Zora's River?"

"Halfway up Zora's River, yes."

"What's a Zora?"

"I'm the humanoid fish standing beside you," a Zora beside him said. "Hi." Link looked at the Zora, analyzing it.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really REALLY?"

"Yes." Link was apparently satisfied with this and decided to lie back down on Gohma's back, her spines lethally impaling his own.

"Get off me," Gohma growled.

"I think I'm nerve dead…"

"Sadly, that means it won't hurt when I do this!" Gohma hurled Link at a nearby cliff, the a spiderweb of cracks blasting out from his impact.

"At least I don't feel..."

"As much as I love child abuse, shouldn't we get moving?" King Dodongo asked, tapping his wrist.

"Oh, that might be a problem," the Zora said, making his presence known again. "You see, near the end a Zora mental asylum was constructed, so no one can get to the domain now. We keep telling King Zora, real creative name by the way, that he should have thought of that, but nooooooo, he says 'A mental asylum for that slightly crazy Zora should be our top priority, not trying to access the domain'. But now what's he say? He says: 'You should have told me that it was blocking the domain!' And now we want elections, like the Gibdos have. Why are Gibdos so awesome at everything? Hey, why are you walking away! Come back! All I want is to be loved! LOVE ME!"

They approached the mental asylum, a large gray building that blocked off the roadway. "We'll have to walk through, passed all those craaazy prisoners," Link said. Gohma hopped onto the wall and climbed over. Navi flew. "I guess it's just me and you." King Dodongo contemplated drowning himself.

They both went through the big door. "Now these guys are sure to be truly insane, so watch out!" King Dodongo muttered something under his breath.

They entered the long hall, only to see that the prisoners were reading newspapers, talking and even playing checkers.

"Where're all the crazy people?" Link demanded.

"This place was converted to a recreational centre last week after the single crazy Zora blew up half the place and ran into Hyrule Field," a random Zora said.

"But we wanted to see the crazy people, right Kingy?"

"DO NOT CALL ME KINGY!"

They exited the asylum to see the other two already at the waterfall entrance. "So how do we get in?" Link asked, examining the intense flow. He could just barely see the path on the other side.

"We checked the strategy guide and you have to play Zelda's Lullaby," Gohma reported.

Link looked at Gohma. "What's that?" The arachnid facepalmed, muttering something.

"It's the first song you learned!" Navi snapped.

"Well can't one of you play it? I forgot."

"None of us were there..." Gohma groaned. "To hell with it. Brute force for the win." It jumped through the waterfall with ease. King Dodongo managed to get through using this method, followed by Navi's miraculous imitation.

"Just me and that firefly," Link said. The firefly in question flew into the water and died.

Link stood in place for a few minutes, poking the water and wincing every time he did so. "It looks like you're having trouble," a voice behind him said, chuckling. Link didn't like that voice…

He turned around and saw Kae Gae sitting on a branch, cleaning his wing. "Hey! I thought you said you didn't have to follow me!"

"My words exactly," Kae Gae said, raising his head. "I don't _have_ to follow you, but I will regardless."

"I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" Link tried to jump into the waterfall, though Kae Gae pulled him back at the last second.

"Pull yourself together!" the owl said as he backhanded Link repeatedly. "It's only a waterfall! It won't kill you!"

"Unless there happen to be spiked rocks at the bottom," Link added. Kae Gae just threw him through the water and into the domain.

Link flew in and narrowly missed hitting the flames of a torch. Instead, he hit the torch base which fell over and set his hat on fire. For a while Link was running around in circles, asking for water with the others and a few Zoras staring at him, shocked and awed by the sheer stupidity they were witnessing. Gohma finally took pity on their minds and threw him in the large lake to the right.

Link climbed back out, haphazardly pulling out his blade. "Take us to your leader!" he shouted, trudging forward.

"Hello," a voice behind him greeted. Link jerked around and saw the fattest Zora in the history of the whole race.

Link jumped back and hit a wall, shaking the place and causing King Zora to begin falling. He landed on Gohma's back and deflated like a balloon.

"We killed the King Zora!" Link yelled out, running around in circles.

"No you little idiot." Gohma tossed the body over him. "_You_ killed the King Zora. I was a hapless bystander. Don't drop the soap."

Suddenly, another King Zora appeared on the ledge, looking down at them. "What have you done to my balloon copy?" he yelled out, clutching his head in horror. "It was my late wife's last gift to me!"

"Nothing, nothing…" Link said, throwing it into the water. The current swept it down a tunnel and around the bend, a scream of horror quickly following.

King Dodongo and Navi approached them. "While you were annoying the locals, we found this in Lake Hylia," King Dodongo said, taking a message out of a bottle.

"I recognize Ruto's handwriting on that!" King Zora said. "What? It says she's in Jabu-Jabu's belly! Well, you four better rescue her!" King Zora mweeped over, but eventually fell off and accidentally rolled down and around the tunnel. There was a louder scream, a crunch and a splash.

King Dodongo looked over the drenched, destroyed sheet. "The ink washed off though."

"Maybe he's a psychic?" Link suggested.

"How is that supposed to help?" Navi asked.

"Navi, explain how it _doesn't_ help."

She pulled out a notepad. "Let me list the ways! First-"

"Alright, I get the picture," Link pouted.

"I don't hear anything from where the fat Zora went," Gohma said, desperate to move on with life. "Maybe it died. Fortunately, I have everything in his will."

"I knew him longer!" King Dodongo argued. "That means _I_ get more in the will."

"I edited his will."

"Clever bastard!"

"Well, we better save this Burrito person," Link interrupted. "So anyone know what the hell a Jabu-Jabu is?"


	9. Machete Barinade

**Machete Barinade**

They easily found Jabu-Jabu. After all, it's hard to miss a giant fish with its name tattooed onto its tail fin.

"So how do we get in?" Navi asked.

King Dodongo snickered. "Navi, you really need to learn about brute force," he said, stepping toward Jabu-Jabu.

King Dodongo woke up from a hospital bed. A certain fairy hovered over him. "So when you said 'brute force', were you talking about you or the fish?"

They returned to Jabu-Jabu, completely stumped. After a grueling day of attempting to claw open the Zora deity's mouth, Link took out a fish in a bottle. "I love eating fish!"

"Thank you for this necessary information," Gohma grunted.

Unfortunately for Link, Jabu-Jabu saw the fish too and opened his mouth, sucking all four of them in before closing his mouth. A burp followed.

They sat in the fish's mouth. "Well this sucks," the arachnid said. "Now that we've been in a mouth per dungeon, are there any more?"

Navi looked at the strategy guide. "No, but there's a statue we go in and a doorway in the shape of a mouth," she replied.

"Close enough." Gohma picked up a passing jellyfish and chucked it hitting the fish's uvula. This caused the door to unlock. "How the... Never mind." They continued into a large room sporting a floating platform rising up and down.

"Now why would that be in there?" Link asked.

They continued until they saw Ruto sitting in the middle of a room. "Who're you?" she asked.

"A group of weirdos," Link said before Gohma hit him over the head, ultimately knocking him out.

"Well go away," Ruto said. "Seeing a floating light, a kid in green, a scorpion and a dinosaur standing together is kind of confusing." She turned around a walked a few feet before falling down an obvious hole.

The four stared at the hole. "That was the stupidest thing I've ever witnessed," Navi said. "Who could have been stupid enough to fall in that hole?"

Link groggily walked forward, still dazed from Gohma's attack. "What happened?" He fell into the hole as well.

Gohma gave Navi a comforting pat. "And you're stuck with him for life."

They took the less painful way and went down a vine wall.

"Are you still here?" Ruto asked Link.

"I don't know," Link muttered, staring at her cross-eyed. "Who are you and who are you twins?"

"Well go away! I can handle myself in this belly!"

"This is a belly?" Link looked around. "Then why does the map have well over a dozen rooms?"

"Because Jabu-Jabu is weird," a random Bari explained before going to report the intruders to Barinade.

"Why are we even coming to rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued?" Link asked. "I seriously give up! I don't care about this Zora!"

"You're that worried about me?" Ruto said.

"Are we having the same conversation?"

"I hit my head on the fall too. Now are you going to let me finish?"

"No!"

"Fine. You now have the honour of carrying me!" Ruto crouched down as the other three arrived.

"We're supposed to carry her," Navi said, looking at the strategy guide.

"I'm really sick of that stupid guide!" King Dodongo said before eating it. "Now let's go on our own judgment! I WANT TO EAT THE ZORA! Nah, I'm just messing with you. Let's get out of this dump."

"First I have to find something!" Ruto said. "It's somewhere in Jabu-Jabu."

So they went around the belly randomly until Link found a room where he got a boomerang. He used the boomerang and nearly hit Gohma who knocked him over the head again, once again incapacitating the kid.

Link was taking too long to wake up, so Navi grabbed King Dodongo's tail and bound Link to it using some dental floss. Gohma stole the boomerang, but when they encountered a parasitic tentacle, King Dodongo simply tore it in half. He did the same with two others and they were soon back in the room where Ruto agreed to come.

"Um, I'd appreciate if someone untied me," Link loudly announced. Gohma contemplated the ups and downs of this, deciding that his pain was worth the blundering incompetence. They entered a room with a jewel floating in mid air on a platform.

"There it is!" Ruto said. "Throw me up there!"

Gohma tossed Ruto, sending her spinning over the platform and into the wall. Ruto mumbled something about scorpions and can openers, climbing up herself.

"Is it supposed to be floating?" Link asked. They all ignored him.

Ruto picked it up. "When Jabu-Jabu swallowed the Zora's Sapphire, I thought it would have been digested," she said.

"If I'm right, this is his kidney so it may have been," Navi pointed out.

Suddenly the platform rose up and went into the ceiling, taking Ruto with it. "What the hell is that thing?" they heard Ruto say, followed by a honking noise. Then the platform came down, a Big Octo standing on it.

It jumped off and charged Gohma. Gohma ran onto the roof and body slammed the Big Octo, putting it in a headlock. "What just happened?" Gohma questioned.

"I'll never tell," the Big Octo growled before Gohma stabbed it in the side. "Lord Barinade took the Zora for a hostage!"

Gohma let go and the Big Octo ran around in circles before impaling itself on a spike. "That was rather stupid," King Dodongo said.

"You're one to be talking," Gohma grunted.

"Oh ha ha, you're so funny."

"I want you to look at your side right now."

King Dodongo looked at his side, seeing that he was leaning on a spike without even noticing. "I AM MADE OF STEEL!"

The four stepped on the platform, using it as an elevator. They entered a room with two wiggling red things. Deciding that they looked squishy, Gohma poked one. The following electrical surge gave them a nice view of its skeleton. "Not my best of plans, that I admit."

Gomha followed this act of stupid with an act of intelligence, climbing up the wall to get to the next ledge. King Dodongo jumped. Navi _could_ fly up, but much preferred to watch Link. Link threw a bomb at one. Nothing. He hit it with his slingshot. Nope. He threw his boomerang. It stopped wiggling and became a different colour. Link poked it, feeling no shock.

"Now Link!" Navi said. Link jumped but got blasted off by an Octorok.

"You have now been shot by El Octo! Ha HA!" Sadly for El Octo, mocking an enemy bearing a sharp metal instrument would not be the best decision of his life.

His problem solved, Link tried again and made it across. They entered the next room, the one that defied all logic by having a floating platform. The function this provided to Jabu Jabu's digestive tract would never be known. Gohma broke down a door that said BARINADE on it in nice handwriting.

Inside were some Bari which were quickly devoured by Gohma. "I'm on a roll."

They all tried to break down the next door to no avail. "I know what to do!" Link said before head butting it multiple times, probably bashing whatever common sense remained in his head to pieces.

"That was stupid," his fairy analyzed.

"Where am I?" Link moaned. "Is my name hard to remember?"

Gohma rolled its eye. "Your name is Duckweed and you are a penguin."

"Alright!" Link said. "So what's this?" he added, holding up a boot.

"A banana, obviously."

"Cool!"

King Dodongo pressed the OPEN button. "I believe we have to go get beer," he said.

"We're not going to your shitty bar," Gohma grunted. "Not now, not ever."

"My bar kicks ass and you know it!"

"Does it kick as much ass as you do?"

"Of course!"

"Then I'm not going."

"HEY!"

They entered a pitch black room. The door closed behind them. "WHO ENTERS MY DOMAIN?"

"Duckweed the penguin!" Link yelled.

The voice was silent. "Are you always this stupid?" it asked.

"Usually, occasionally he's stupider," King Dodongo replied.

"I see. Time to get back into character. Ahem... I AM THE GREAT BARINADE! AND YOU CANNOT BEAT ME IF YOU CAN'T SEE ME! AHAHAHAHA!" Barinade laughed, but King Dodongo blasted a ball of fire in the direction of the voice. "OW! I, BARINADE, want you to know that I hate you and everything you stand for!"

King Dodongo shrugged and sat down, pulled popcorn and a milkshake from thin air. "Magic."

"JELLYFISH! SWARM YOUR MASTER!" Barinade yelled and six jellyfish popped from thin air. One was wearing a hockey jersey.

"Hey, what's going on? I'm missing the game!"

"THERE IS NO SPORTS, ONLY BARINADE!" The boss blasted it, getting a new one.

With the light from the jellyfish, they could see what Barinade was.

**Barinade  
**_Bio-Electric Anemone  
_Species: How the hell would I know?  
Hobbies: Yelling loudly  
Likes: His own name  
Dislikes: King Dodongo now

"How the hell do you talk?" Gohma asked.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade laughed.

"Not only does that make no sense, but it raises more questions!" Link said.

"Such as?"

"Why's there a banana on my foot?" Link asked dully.

"That's a boot," Navi replied.

"STOP DISCUSSING TRIVIAL MATTERS AND FIGHT!" Barinade roared, hoisting itself onto the roof.

Link pulled out his sword and stabbed into a jellyfish, not killing it, but sending 8000 kilowatts into his own body instead. And he held on. "I think work working!"

They all just watched Link until he was blasted out and landed in pile off to the side. Navi stole the boomerang and cut Barinade down from the roof. She then took out the jellyfish.

"Now what are you going to protect yourself with?" Navi mocked.

"I think I'm beginning to get my memory back," Link muttered. "Is Batman beside me?"

Barinade snickered. "Oh really?" it said before grabbed a machete in each of its three tentacles. "Behold the secret weapon of BARINADE! Bladed weaponry! HAHAHAHA!"

Barinade swung one, nicking Navi's wing. "Son of a necrophiliac!" She threw the boomerang, stunning the... thing. With this accomplished she could take Link's sword and begin stabbing him. Barinade eventually broke from the stun, meeting her blade with one of his own. He attacked back, only to be stunned once again.

"So where's the Zora that we don't care about but has the stone?" Gohma asked, stealing some of Kingy's popcorn.

Barinade pushed Navi back. "You came all the way over here for that thing?" They nodded. "I would have given it to you right away if you asked, it bugged the hell out of me! Take it." Barinade opened up a portal. Ruto floated inside, looking irate at the situation.

"What took you all so long?" she demanded.

"We had a little chat with your captor," King Dodongo said.

They all walked into the portal, Barinade using his tendrils as feet, and the large crowd was moved into the water of Zora's Fountain. The three bosses swam to the shore to dry off and discuss menial matters, leaving Link and Navi to get the stone from Ruto.

"So what do you want me to reward you for saving me with?" Ruto asked.

"The Zora's Sapphire!" Link answered immediately. "Gimme gimme!"

"First I have to tell you what it means." Ruto held up the stone, letting it shine in the evening sun. "My mother told me to only give it to the one who'll be my husband, so it'll engage us to marr-"

Navi swiped it from above. "I got it!" Link shoulder checked Ruto, fleeing with his fairy.

"So what was that Zora's name again?" Barinade asked Gohma.

"Something like Rito," Gohma replied. "I'm not too sure."

"Rito sounds like a bird name," Barinade muttered. "That's what I'll name the first bird-species I find that doesn't have a name yet!"

"Now that's just stupid."


	10. The Irritator

**The Irritator**

The five made their way down the river into Hyrule Field. In the field they ran into a Peahat which Barinade's jellyfish killed.

"I thought Navi killed them," Gohma said.

"It said I took them out," Navi explained. "That doesn't mean killed."

"Yeah, she gave us some movie tickets!" another exclaimed, twirling erratically. "It was awesome!"

They decided to go back to Hyrule Castle and see Zelda. King Dodongo filled Barinade in on what he called the Spiritual Rocks, continuing to call them that despite Navi's best efforts. Barinade sounded interested in the Triforce part, but not the Ganondorf trying to get the Triforce part.

It was a bright, sunny noon, not a cloud in the sky. But the second they got in front of the moat, it became overcast midnight. "Well that was odd," Link stated.

Gohma noticed something. "Why's the bridge up?" No one paid attention, because it began to lower. Then a lightning storm broke out. "Link, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm stretching with my sword in my hand. What does it look like?" He was struck many times before the drawbridge fully lowered. A white horse which Zelda and Impa were riding on stormed out. Link was trampled by the horse, his loyal friends laughing at his misfortune.

Zelda saw Link halfway through the trampling, though the loud noises produced by his breaking bones also helped catch attention. She threw the ocarina about seventy metres into the moat.

"Have you thought about professional baseball?" Gohma yelled.

"I was too good!"

"Oh!"

"Yeah, it sucked!"

"How can we still hear each other?"

"Beats me!"

Link staggered to stand up, and when he turned around, Ganondorf was on his horse, which was standing right there. "Hey G-ma!" Ganondorf said, high fiving Gohma.

"How ya doin' G-dorf?" Gohma asked.

"Pretty good, still havin' laundry trouble though," Ganondorf replied. "But I need to talk to the green kid." He turned to Link. "What was I supposed to say? Oh, right! Agh! I lost her!"

"Long ago," Navi muttered.

"Hey! You, kid! You must have seen a white horse gallop passed here! Which way did it go? Answer me!"

"You aren't exactly giving me chances to t-"

"So you think you can protect them from me?" Ganondorf laughed.

"I never said that!" Link defended.

Ganondorf shrugged. "Meh, it's a hobby of mine," he said.

"Speaking of hobbies, I like to walk into things," Link said, walking into Ganondorf's horse's leg and falling over. The horse tilted his head.

"Yeah, you're kind of wasting the air I could be breathing." Ganondorf began charging a ball of dark energy, throwing it at Link. The child hit it back with his sword, Ganondorf countering as well his arm. They continued until Ganondorf got hit and Link shot him with his slingshot. Link prepared to start slashing but Navi tripped him, causing Link to hit his skull off a rock.

"This isn't supposed to happen yet!" Navi said.

"So why were you chasing Zelda?" Barinade asked.

"Why the fuck should I tell you ingrates?"

"Because we asked nicely," Navi replied.

"I'm sorry, Ganondorf's caring is not here right now. Please leave a message after the tone."

Link sat up and walked into the horse's leg again.

"Pathetic little fool! Do you realise who you're dealing with?" Ganondorf demanded.

"You?" Link replied in a dazed tone.

There was silence. "I'll ignore that," Ganondorf said coldly. "I am Ganondorf! And soon I will rule the Laundromat!" He began galloping away, but Link ran after him, holding his boomerang in one hand like a hook, and his sword in the other by the blade, so it too was like a hook. Link leapt at him, somehow attaching onto the horse without hurting it. Ganondorf did a sharp turn which caused Link to fall off.

"That was weird," King Dodongo said.

"Did he say he'd rule the Laundromat?" Barinade asked, but, as usual in this story, was ignored.

Link staggered and fell in the moat. Barinade fished him out, yoinking the Ocarina at the same time. Suddenly, Link and Barinade were in the Temple of Time. "I see that you found the Ocarina," an apparition of Zelda said.

"Yeah, but why is the great Barinade here?"

"You were holding it," Zelda said. "And since you held it, you get to play the song I'm going to teach you."

"I HAVE NO MOUTH!"

"Then how do you talk?" Zelda asked, tilting her head.

"I AM BARINADE!" you-can-guess-who exclaimed, blasting electricity at the roof and breaking two large holes.

A few rocks fell down and hit Link on the head as Zelda watched him until he stopped. "You're paying for that," she said. Barinade grumbled and gave her a check. "Thank you. Now Link, I have a song for you to play on you Ocarina." She played the Song of Time.

Link looked at his Ocarina. "How come we're using the same one?" he asked.

"Look, just stop asking questions and play it before I ask Impa to assassinate you!" Zelda snapped. "Now play it!" Link played the Song of Time.

"Wow, this is way better then my craparina!" He faintly heard the sound of a bomb falling.

Zelda looked up, clearly disturbed. "Place it in front of the altar in the temple of time. Protect the Triforce! Well, if you're still alive that is. Bye!" she said before disappearing. Barinade disappeared too.

Link began trying to figure out how to disappear, but it was too late.

He appeared on the bridge, twitching and bleeding. They tied him onto King Dodongo's tail again, and Link 'misplaced' the fairy ocarina (AKA gnawed it to slivers). They entered castle town.

The group proceeded to get lost, despite the fact that three of them were bigger then some buildings. Eventually, they went to the Temple of Time. Link put each of the stones in the slots and played the song of time. Nothing happened.

"Shouldn't something be happening now?"

"Has it occurred to you that one of those "stones" is a pigeon?" Gohma asked dully.

The pigeon flew out and Link put the Zora's Sapphire in its place. He played the song again and the door opened. "I guess it was," Link said, shrugging. They walked into the next room.

"Link! Is that, the legendary Master Sword?" Navi gasped.

Link took out a drawing of the Master Sword, and looked between the two for about seven minutes. He finally spoke. "There is a coincidence that it is."

They all approached the Master Sword. Link prepared to grab it, and cracked his fingers. "Here I go!" Link wrapped his hands around the hilt, feeling a cool surface. He placed his foot on the pedestal and pulled.

And... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...the sword didn't budge.

Link tried to pull again, but fell over. "Gimme a sec," he gasped on the ground. "This is a toughy."

Navi sighed. "Our hero, ladies and gentlemen."

"Aha! There's a release lever! The goddesses are clever..."

Next thing the three bosses knew, there was a flash of light and the original duo were gone.

Ganondorf appeared in a white space. "Geh heh heh! Excellent work! As I thought, you held the keys to the Door of Time!" he said. "You've led me to the gates of the Sacred Realm... Yes, I owe it all to you, kid!"

Suddenly Gohma, King Dodongo and Barinade all walked up to him. "What are you doing in this..." Gohma began, and looked around for a second, "white void?"

"Look, I don't know where random doors take me!" he said. "And besides, I think the Triforce is somewhere this way." He walked around a 'corner'.

"Wanna go to Dodongo's Tavern?" King Dodongo asked the two. "I'll give you fifty percent off." He thought for a second. "Okay, two."

"Dammit! It's only a Tripod!"

* * *

And so ends part one of our epic tale! Part two will be about four times longer, there's a lot more content to cover. The group's going to be getting big soon!


	11. It's Quiet

**It's Quiet...**

Seven years later, Link opened his eyes. "Man I was out long," he muttered, scratching his ass. "What happened?"

Navi suddenly flew in front of him. "Well, you hit yourself in the face with the Master Sword and got knocked out," she said. "Ganondorf took over Hyrule by pretty much blowing the place up, he froze the Zoras in liquid nitrogen, the Gorons are being eaten as we speak, and the Kokiris are too afraid to leave their kitchens, so nothing at all!" Navi ended sarcastically.

Link blinked a few times. "That's it?" he muttered.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'That's it'? WE'RE DYING OUT THERE, AND YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP SEVEN YEARS!" Navi screamed.

"I thought you said seven minutes…" Link muttered.

"YOU F-"

"Don't blame his ignorance Navi, he just woke up," another person said. "I am Rauru Link, the one who woke you up."

Link was silent. "Where's this Rauru? I hear him, but I can't see him!"

"That's because you're facing the wrong way, idiot!" Navi said.

"Is Navi a ghost? I can't see her either!" Link asked fearfully.

"That's because you fell over and your face is on the ground!" Navi yelled.

"He's just tired," Rauru said.

"Then he's tired 24 7," Navi muttered.

"Anyway, I am Rauru, one of the ancient sages. Ages ago, we ancient Sages built the Temple of Time to protect the entrance to the Sacred Realm… This is the Chamber of Sages, inside the Temple of Light. The Temple of Light, situated in the very centre of the Sacred Realm, is the last stronghold against Ganondorf's forces."

"I'm scared Navi," Link said. "I hear a voice, but I can't see anyone!"

"Now will you admit he's a drooling retard?" Navi asked Rauru.

"Fine, but has he gotten any smarter over the seven years?" Rauru asked.

"Actually, he seems stupider…"

Rauru turned back to Link, who still had his face on the floor. "Well Link, I should tell you that you're seventeen now."

"Yeah, I figured that out already bodiless voice," Link said on the ground.

"Navi's twenty, Gohma's 1012, King Dodongo's twenty eight and Barinade's seven," Rauru added.

"Hey, where are those four anyway?" Link asked stupidly.

"Navi's right above you, and the others haven't been seen since you pulled the Master Sword up, so they may be dead for all we know," Rauru said. "Did you get all that?"

"No mysterious voice," Link said.

Rauru repeated himself, except more slowly and adding new details, such as how the pizza was invented last year. "How about now?"

Link was snoring, but woke up. "Huh? Wha?"

"Well you can die a horrible death," Rauru said coldly before warping them out of the Chamber.

"Those seven years sure flew by," Navi said. "I never knew how many possums I could fit down my pants!"

"It felt like forever," Link, who's face was still on the ground, said.

"You were out cold through all of it!" Navi said. "And how'd you get earrings and pants anyway?"

"I bought them," Link said.

"You were out cold!" Navi snapped.

"You're pissy today," Link said, looking up for once.

"You would be too if possums laid eggs in your pants!" Navi snapped… again.

"When did that happen?"

"This morning, Link," Navi replied.

"But I didn't ask that," Link said, standing up for the first time this chapter.

They slowly turned around and saw Shiek standing there. "Hi! I'm Shiek!"

"AHHHH! BLUE PEOPLE!" Link yelled, reaching for his boomerang. "Where the hell's my boomerang?"

"Yeah, I kind of borrowed it to hit a Stalfos, who broke it," Navi said, while Shiek raised an eyebrow at Link. "And I broke your slingshot, your Deku Sticks are too small, yet I broke them and fed them to a Dinofol anywaym which tried to kill me, and I fed your Goron Bracelets to a Dodongo."

"And my magic beans?"

"Well, I was hungry…"

"I truly hate you Navi."

"And I hate you too you son of a bitch."

"Hello?" Shiek said. They both turned to him. "Finally! Well, I am Shiek-"

"We know that," Link said.

"Shut up or I'll rip your throat out!" Shiek snapped. "-survivor of the Shiekah."

"The dead ones probably choked on pizza-"

"Shut up Link!" Shiek yelled. "As I see you standing there, holding the Master Sword, you really do look like the legendary Hero of Time." Then he saw the confused look on Link's face. "Rauru _did_ tell you the legend, right?" Link shook his head. "He was supposed to… Well you have to awaken the five remaining Sages. One's waiting in the Forest Temple, and is surely a girl you know-"

"I bet it's Ruto, I-"

"SHUT UP YOU COCK BITING RETARD!"

Link was silent. Rauru was silent. Ganondorf was silent. Bongo Bongo (picking a lock) was silent. Gyorg was silent. Jalhalla was silent.

"You remind me of someone," Link said. "Just far more foul-mouthed."

Shiek sighed, shaking his head. "Because of the evil power in the temple, she cannot hear the awakening call from the Sacred Realm." Link blinked a few times. "The Sage needs you to clear out all the evil creatures to realize who she is." Link tilted his head. "A bad vibe's coming from the Forest place and ya need to smash the bad guys to get them in character." A bit of drool fell down Link's chin.

Shiek looked on the verge of strangling him. "Look, you can't enter the temple with what you currently have," he said, squeezing a stress ball. "However, in Kakariko village, you'll find what'll help you enter."

"Is it a mechanical launching device that propels a powerful hook forward and pulls me into whatever it manages to attach into, while stunning enemies at the same time?" Link asked eagerly.

"No, Gohma's there!" Shiek said. "Geez, you really are an idiot!" He snickered , muttering something about mechanical launching devices and Link being an idiot.


	12. Old and New Friends

**Old and New Friends**

Link exited the Temple of Time, to find the place a barren wasteland. "This is so nice!" Link said. "I like it better- OH CRAP!" He was looking at Death Mountain, which had a ring of fire around the top. "Death Mountain looks a few inches shorter!"

They went into the town square where Link got attacked by a ReDead. He blew it up with a bomb, but that only attracted the attention of more of the zombies.

Link exited the castle town holding an ice pack on his neck, with a few burn marks and cuts, not to mention a limp. "I'm still wondering where those wounds came from," Navi said. "I never knew you could get burnt and cut from zombies kicking you in the crotch."

Link decided to get some more milk, seeing as he had poured the previous shipment down Ingo's pants. When he entered the ranch, he noticed something was different. He looked up at the sign that said "Ingo's Ranch" in massive letters.

"That sign looks redder," Link muttered and Navi wondered how much his brain had turned to mashed potatoes in those seven years. As they walked in, Ingo greeted them happily.

"What do ya want you green idiot?"

In his own way.

"We need a steed that can make us move faster," Link said. "There's a good horse, I want it!"

Link pointed to a wooden rocking horse. "I'll pay you!" He pulled out his wallet. "How much do you want?"

Ingo looked at him blankly. "You want to pay me in socks?"

"I'll give you three tops! I swear I'm not holding out on you!"

"I'll tell you what," Ingo said. "You can race me on any horse you want. If you win, I'll give you the horse. If you loose, you owe me fifty rupees."

"Deal!" Link said, jumping on the rocking horse.

(Two minutes later)

Link exiting the ranch on his new steed. Ingo's eye twitched at how he had lost. Near the end of the race, his horse had tripped over one of the socks Link had dropped, causing it to crash and flatten Navi, who was being stood on by the horse.

Link sat on the horse outside of the ranch and it broke. He buried the aptly named "Wooden thing" before going to get a new horse. He raced Ingo again, getting on Epona.

"Want that horse now?" Ingo asked.

"Yeah," Link said. "My other horse died of an unexpected disease, known as Breakeites."

Link and Ingo started racing again. Epona got in front of Ingo and spat some gum in his eyes. Ingo screamed loudly, fell off the horse and crashed into a large stone, smashing his head off of it. His horse took this as its chance and ran out the front gate. It was last seen heading into the Forest Temple.

Link did a victory dance, before shaking his butt in Ingo's face. "My horse now, my horse now, my horse now…" he chanted. Ingo didn't respond, and also didn't move. Link poked him a few times before stealing his wallet and riding out on Epona. The wallet turned out to be full of laxitives. Not even wondering why, Link decided to dispose of them.

-Two hours later-

"I told you not to dispose of them that way," Navi lectured from outside of a portapotty.

"What way?" Link asked from beside her. Navi then wondered who she had been talking to.

After half an hour, Link found Kakariko again. Epona was unwilling to go up the stairs, which were actually a ramp made to look like stairs, so Link went up on his own, with Navi.

At the top, Link found that Kakariko was more crowded. He was about to ask why when the sun set and pretty much everyone went into one house after nearly a second. The duo blinked before entering the house. Inside they found about a dozen people, who were either standing there doing nothing or doing the same things over and over again. Link walked up to an old man.

"Folks around here tell of a fabulously rich family that once lived in one of the houses in this village… But they say that the entire family was cursed due to their greed! Who knows what will happen to those who are consumed by greed…"

"Good for them," Link said. "Now have you seen a giant two legged scorpion any time in this passed 7 years?"

"Folks around here tell of a fabulously rich family that once lived in one of the houses in this village… But they say that the entire family was cursed due to their greed! Who knows what will happen to those who are consumed by greed…"

"Yes, I know, but seriously… Have you or haven't you?"

"Folks around here tell of a fabulously rich family that once lived in one of the houses in this village… But they say that the entire family was cursed due to their greed! Who knows what will happen to those who are consumed by greed…"

"Seriously, stop that," Link growled.

"Folks around here tell of a fabulously rich family that once lived in one of the houses in this village… But they say that the entire family was cursed due to their greed! Who knows what will happen to those who are consumed by greed…"

Link tried to take out his sword to kill the guy, but Navi hit him over the head. "The hero of adventure doesn't kill innocent bystanders!" she yelled.

"Folks around here tell of a fabulously rich family that once lived in one of the houses in this village… But they say that the entire family was cursed due to their greed! Who knows what will happen to those who are consumed by greed…"

"Can I at least maul them viciously?" Link begged.

"Folks around here tell of a fabulously rich family that once lived in one of the houses in this village… But they say that the entire family was cursed due to their greed! Who knows what will happen to those who are consumed by greed…"

"No, now let's move on!"

"Folks around here tell of a fabulously rich family that once lived in one of the houses in this village… But they say that the entire family was cursed due to their greed! Who knows what will happen to those who are consumed by greed…"

"Stop talking!" they both yelled. The man blinked a few times.

"Folks around-"

Navi tied the man up, gagged him, and threw him in a storage cupboard.

"Oh, so I'm not allowed to maul him yet you can throw him in there where he may starve?" Link snapped.

"Well-"

"Mpff mpf mppff mpff mppf mpff…"

Link screamed and attempted to burn the house down, but couldn't find a source of fire so merely kicked at multiple objects. He broke his foot.

"What are you doing?" They both whipped around and saw a familiar person, er… thing. Gohma stood there, about two centimeters taller then before. They didn't know if it was just the hair or actually Gohma. Gohma's eye looked at them like it was surprised to see them, or just disappointed.

"Hey Gohma, whatcha been up to?" Link asked casually, as though it _hadn't_ been 7 years.

"Well, for the three years, me, King Dodongo and Barinade were traveling together, exploring the world. We found some weird countries, one which worshipped Twinkies. King Dodongo decided to become the apprentice of a booze master, and Barinade's practicing his yelling. I came back here and went around for a few years, bored as hell. So I decided to check how my son Moe was doing, and we've been traveling together for about a week."

"Who's Moe?" was all Link had to say. A small Gohma walked up beside them.

"Who the hell are you?" Moe asked Link.

"I am Link!" Link exclaimed, striking a pose. Moe shrugged, signaling that he had never heard of him. Link began brooding.

"Anyway, we need your help entering the Forest Temple," Navi said to Gohma. "Link can't climb up straight walls unless he's bitten by a genetically modified spider."

"Ow, something bit me!" Link yelled, shaking his hand as a glowing twelve legged spider with three arms walked away. He then continued to brood.

"Well I would normally help," Gohma began, "but since I want to see him go through a hard time, he'll have to find the other way to do something like that. I'll give you a hint – it's somewhere in this village."

"To Death Mountain!" Link yelled heroically. When they all looked at him, Link went back to sulking.


	13. In the Graves

**In the Graves**

Link began ransacking all the homes, and was nearly chased out of the village four times. Replace the nearly with violently, four times with six times and after that add with knives and hacksaws. He slumped under the tree, tending to his wounds.

"Well that's all the houses," Moe said dully. "Any new ideas, genius?"

"Nope," Link said, not catching the sarcasm. Then he jumped up. "Wait, there's that gravekeeper what's-his-name!"

"Dampé," Navi said.

"Yeah, that's it! Waldo."

Navi sighed, shaking her head. Link ran into the graveyard and went to the shack where Dampé lived. He used a credit card to pick the non-existent lock and opened the door. He found it empty except a bed and a book. Link picked it up. "Diary," he read. "Let's read it!"

"We should respect his privacy and not go into his personal affairs," Gohma stated.

"Lots of gossip in here… apparently Impa used to have a teddy bear named Snuckum until she was thirty-six…"

"Gimme that!" Gohma ripped it from Link's hands and started reading it. "Wow, traditional Shiekah hairdos were afros…"

Moe and Navi both sighed. While the two read Dampé's diary, Navi and Moe searched the cabin.

"Hey! This guy's dead!" Link exclaimed. Gohma stared at him.

"Congratulations. You have passed line two."

"And he wants people to grave rob him!" Link exclaimed. "If there was a better time to use a loophole to break the law, then I've never heard of it!" He ran outside, looking around excitedly. "So which grave is his?"

"The new one," his fairy said.

"But they all look the same."

"Quit your bitching, just blame the game designers!" the fairy snapped.

"Well screw you, I'm gonna go play Metroid!"

Hey, stop bringing up elements of modern life that you should not know about!

"No." Link fell in Dampé's grave, badly hurting himself during the fall.

He landed in the grave, driving his face into the compact dirt. After recovering he saw a ghost floating about twenty feet away. "The grim reaper! I'm too young!"

Gohma landed beside him. "You too, huh?" Link asked. "How'd you die?"

"We're not dead you twit."

"It's okay, I was in denial at first, but eventually, I accepted-" Moe landed on his head. Navi floated down the hole to see the sight before her; Link was lying on the ground out cold, Gohma was beside him poking him with a stick and Moe looked like he was about to piss on Link's face. Navi decided to come back in a few minutes.

Dampé was probably the most confused one. He had been playing with his lantern when a kid fell down his grave, along with a scorpion and began talking about being dead when a smaller scorpion fell on him.

Gohma walked up to him. "Hi Dampé, remember me?"

Dampé thought for a second. "Weren'cha the litter bug thinga?" he asked.

Moe sighed. "I'm the little one."

"Oh, heya your gurta tha Wii ye?"

"No, they're restocking in one or two weeks."

Link sat up, rubbing his head. "I feel like an overweight bug fell on me," he said, before he was knocked out when a stone smacked into the side of his head.

Moe turned back to Dampé. "We came down here to get a treasure your diary said was down here," he said.

"Oh, you her fer tha, eh?" Dampé asked. "Ih beh ferty rupees."

"I don't have that much," Moe said. "I shouldn't have gotten that ice cream sandwich."

"If yur race meh I gimme ta ya," Dampé said.

Link, who recently stood up, blinked. "What?"

"If you race him and keep up he'll give you his treasure," Moe translated.

"Alright, I'm awesome at running!" Link said, before doing calf stretches.

Navi sighed. "Didn't you loose in a race to a Deku Baba?"

"That was a fluke, he was fast!"

Dampé coughed. "Les go!" He began floating down a tunnel at a moderately fast speed.

"Slow down Waldo!" Link ran after him, but Dampé threw a fireball at him. "AGH! Cheater!" He threw his Ocarina at Dampé who dodged it and began to close a door on Link. He jumped through. Dampé set him on fire. "OW!" He chased after him with his sword drawn, intent on murdering the dead guy, but the path split in three. He took the one that was on fire. Dampé was about twenty meters ahead of him, and Link threw his sword. It missed and fell down a pit. Navi flew up to him.

"Where's the Master Sword?" she growled.

"In... that... pit...?" Navi's glow turned dark red.

"Get it. NOW." She kicked him in the jaw and he fell down the pit, screaming like the little kid he was inside.

Link limped over to Dampé with multiple injuries and the Master Sword in hand. "Hi..."

"Your tim wa 6 hours, 48 minutes, and 941 seconds," Dampé reported.

Everyone looked at Link. "I needed a lung transplant," he said.

"Since yur fater then meh, I'll girve yur teh treshe," he said.

"I was fast?" he repeated. "Even I can tell something's wrong with that." Dampé teleported a chest to the middle of the room. The chest was attached to a person.

"Where the hell am I?" he asked. Dampé threw them out the window and put a treasure chest there instead. The ghost disappeared.

"On the other hand, TREASURE!" Link opened the chest, and…

DA DA DA DAAAAAAA! "You found the Hookshot! This spring loaded mechanical launching device that propels a powerful hook forward and pulls you into whatever it manages to attach into, while stunning enemies at the same time!" Navi said. "Wow, I'm glad a bought those cue cards."

"Didn't I say that once?" Link asked.

Navi was silent for a moment. "No."

Satisfied with her answer, Link looked around. "So how do I get out of here?" he wondered to himself. The room was completely enclosed, the opening having closed behind him. The only oddity was that one of the walls was a large blue block.

"It has the same picture on it as the door of time," Navi said.

"You're right!" Link snapped his fingers and Gohma tore it to pieces. He laughed before climbing out and ending up in the windmill where there was an angry, middle aged man who looked like he would appreciate a toilet.

"GRRRRR! That kid who screwed up the windmill, I'm gonna kick his ass!" the man said. "He flooded the sewers with that song and now my toilet doesn't work! I'll never forget that instrument…"

"Is this it?" Link asked, pulling out his Ocarina.

"Yes! I'll never forget that song…" He played the Song of storms. Link played it and it began raining inside the windmill. A toilet began to overflow with a dark liquid.

"GRRRRR! YOU DID IT AGAIN!" He beat Link over the head with his instrument until Gohma ate him, killing the poor guy.

"That's still disgusting," Link commented.

"Well now you can get in the Forest Temple."

"Cool!" Link took out the Hookshot and shooting himself in the eye. "IT BURNS! I FEEL IT PRODDING MY BRAIN!"

"Well that's what happens when you shoot yourself in the goddamn eye. I feel like we've all learned something today."


	14. Finally at the Forest Temple

**Finally at the Forest Temple**

Link rode on Epona through Hyrule field. Gohma sped passed him and so did Navi. "DAMMIT! GO FASTER HORSE!" Epona didn't appreciate being yelled at, and bucked him into a tree. Link made a sound that sounded like a sound that could be heard. Yes.

He walked to the forest after recovering from that devastating event, feeling all the nostalgia from his last visit. It felt like he had only been there days ago! In mental time, he was there a few hours ago. Link walked into Kokiri village, looking around at the houses that were where they had been his whole life.. "Ah, this place is exactly as I what the HELL IS THAT?!"

A massive ten foot Deku Baba burst from the ground, staring down at him. Its jaw was larger than Link, drool was slipping from between the gassy spikes that resembled teeth. "Hey, you're that kid from a while ago! Jez! Hur! Get over here!"

Two more Deku Babas popped up beside the first one. "What is it Mor?" Hur asked.

"That kid from about seven years ago is back!" Mor said.

"I'm seventeen now," Link said proudly.

"I don't care, I'm over double that," Mor said, somehow kicking Link.

Gohma blinked, staring at the scene that it had just walked over to. "What the hell is going on?" it asked.

"Oh Gohma," Link said. "Meet Mor, Hur and Jez, I met them on the way to the Deku Tree when I was a kid! Mor, Hur, Jez, this is-"

"Queen Gohma," they all said at once.

"We've already met," Gohma said. "They are my underlings, as are most other hostile things in the forest. I meant where is this going, we need to go to the forest temple!"

"Ah," Link said before turning back to the Deku Babas. "So do any of you know where the Forest Temple is?"

"It's on the other side of the Lost Woods," Mor said. "It is an ancient and cursed place, where it is said that none have stepped in hundreds of years, and all who search never come out…"

"Oh ya, I went on vacation there," Gohma said, taking out a photo album and showing them pictures. "Here's me buying hot dogs, this is me swimming, that one is my favourite, it has pictures of the pictures I took. I got so many souvenirs, the dozen of travelers were very nice to me."

"You just massacred the atmosphere," Mor said dully. Gohma grinned proudly.

"Well you may want to avoid the Moblins in there, they recently set up a hot dog stand and are very protective," Jez said. "If you survive, we'll meet you at the entrance." All three Babas went underground.

"To the Lost Woods!" Link exclaimed, running into the forest. After a few seconds they heard a blunt impact and the sound of a body crumpling. The attacking Moblin kicked Link several times before walking away, laughing at his misfortune.

Link wandered throughout the Lost Woods aimlessly, accomplishing very little. "So does anyone know where this place is?" he asked, having been walking for almost a day.

"I had gone there once before, but I can't remember anymore so nothing here," Gohma said. "I think that they drugged those hot dogs anyway, it was nothing special."

"I knew you'd get lost without me," a voice said from behind them. Link froze, falling to his knees in anguish.

"Why… WHY MUST THEY TORTURE ME?"

Kae Gae laughed. "It seems you can't hide from me. Although you don't exactly need to, it isn't like I'm going to slit your throat in your sleep or anything like that, nope." He glanced around suspiciously.

Navi and Gohma looked at each other before meeting the owl's gaze. "I thought you were only in the child portion of the adventure!" Gohma growled.

"And I thought you bled to death from your eye due to a brutal stab wound."

"Point taken. But seriously, why the hell are you here?" Gohma asked, eying him.

"Well the story wasn't progressing anywhere over these last few chapters, as there was one chapter about getting out, one about meeting Gohma and Moe, who by the way I haven't seen in a while, and one about the hook-shit so it's about time to get to the first temple and I know exactly where it is unlike the rest of you pathetic ground species, so BURN!" Kae Gae bragged, flexing his wings.

"I'm right here," Moe said. They ignored him.

"But follow me and I'll lead you to the Forest Temple," Kae Gae offered. "No strings attached, I'll do it out of the goodness of my heart."

"Why should we trust you, last time you didn't bring us there!" Link snapped.

"That's because you chased me away!" Kae Gae yelled. "Listen, you can wander around here for the rest of your life for all I care, until you're old and dead and I can loot you, or you could come with me to the Forest Temple where I can loot you!"

"Um, is there an option where we don't get looted?" Link asked.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

After following the owl for about twenty minutes, they were… no where at all. "You truly have no idea where you're going, do you?" Gohma asked.

"No, I'm more lost then a blind, deaf and dumb mouse," Kae Gae muttered.

Gohma kicked him, and looked behind a tree where the Sacred Forest Meadow was. "Why didn't anyone look behind that tree?" the queen of those little spider things asked.

"Because there were Moblins back there!" Link said. Gohma's eye twitched. Gohma stomped over and looked around the corner. A Moblin saw it and charged, spear forward, which Gohma easily blocked before devouring it.

Link walked up to Gohma. "I'm still trying to figure out how you do that in less then three seconds."

"Family secret."

"Gee, you must have one fucked up family."

Suddenly a second Moblin charged, swinging its spear in circles. Link shot it in the arm with his hookshot and it died instantly.

"Wow, this thing must be really strong! I'm gonna use it on the boss of this one!"

"That's not going to be a good idea you know," Gohma stated. "Seriously, do you think a freaking boss is going to be vulnerable to a hookshot?"

Link shot Gohma in the eye and it fell to the ground writhing in pain… as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne.

"Does that statement have any storyline significance?" Navi asked no one in particular. A Moblin stepped on her. Link killed it with a hookshot attack but it died standing up, still on Navi.

"Let's go," Link said, but saw that Navi was being crushed and Gohma was currently out of commission. He shrugged and decided to continue on his own.

Link fought three more Moblins before he found the stairs that led to where Saria had been. He walked up but was quickly hit by a Moblin with a club. It roared and started smashing him into the ground repeatedly. Link hookshoted it in the crotch which caused the Moblin to fall to the ground. Link brushed himself off like it was nothing and continued walking up the steps.

When Link reached the clearing he noticed something. There was a hotdog vendor with a Moblin behind it. "Oi, you want a hotdog?" the Moblin asked in a thick Russian accent.

"Well actually I've got to what the hell, why not?"

Mor, Hur and Jez rose from the ground and saw Link conversing with several Moblins beside the hotdog stand. "These guys aren't that bad once you get to know them," Link stated as he received another hotdog.

"Well, we're supposed to make sure you're not dead, but you seem pretty fine to us," Mor said. "Hey, what happened to the other two?"

Gohma and Navi came up the stairs, clearly pissed.

Shiek dropped from somewhere into the clearing. "Link, I- holy shit it's crowded in here!"

"Okay, I think it's time for some people to go somewhere else!" the vendor Moblin said. "Everyone with no storyline significance, legal document to land here or money please leave." A few Moblins walked out, and Gohma muttered something before entering the Forest Temple. Shiek turned to Link before taking out some cue cards and looking at them. He read something under his breath then threw the cue cards in the wind.

"The flow of time is always cruel… It's speed seems different for each person but no one can change it…"

"I can, with the Master Sword!" Link interrupted. Shiek glared at him.

"Shut it. Now I need to finish my speech," the Sheikah said. "A thing that doesn't change with time is-"

"Mr. Noodles?" Link suggested. Shiek roundhouse kicked him into a tree.

"SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH BEFORE I EVISERATE YOU SO BADLY YOUR DECEASED GRANDPA WILL FUCKING FEEL IT, BITCH!"

Link was silent (and bleeding). Volvagia was silent. Nabooru was silent. Twinmold was silent. Diababa was silent. Stallord was silent. Kalle Demos was VERY LOUD!

"You really remind me of Zelda…" Link muttered.

"Just play the Minuet of Forest…" Shiek growled.

TWO MINUTES LATER

Link and Navi entered the Forest Temple to see Gohma already waiting. "Finally, I was about to go fight the boss on my own!"

"Oh shut up, that Minuet was hard!" Link snapped.

"Or maybe you were blowing in the wrong hole."

"Shut up Navi."

The three of them entered the main room and saw four Poes. Each grabbed a flame and began running away, causing an elevator to lower into the ground. The Poes each began going in a different direction, but Link punched one. It went flying across the room and splatted on the wall. It shook its head, flipped off Link and phased through the wall.

"So now what?" Navi asked.

"We go through there," Gohma said, pointing at a door up ahead. After going through a few rooms, two Stalfos leapt from the other side of the room, bringing their swords down. Gohma devoured the first one and the second one tried to kill Gohma but Link bit it. He tried to eat it but couldn't fit it and Gohma did.

"How can you do that, it's freaking impossible!" Link said.

"Very carefully…"

"You have no mouth!"

"You two shut up!" Navi snapped. They looked at Navi, whose glow was red. "I will murder you two if you don't shut up and finish this temple!"

"Geez, what crawled down your throat and died?" Gohma muttered.

"Don't even go there," Navi grumbled.

Link found a key that one Stalfos had dropped and had already left.

-Later-

Link screamed out in frustration as he tried to push the block farther. He had spilled grey paint on the arrows on the floor. He had of course tried to get it off but ended up smudging it. Now he was lost.

"You know, if you exit the room then come back in it'll be back to normal," Gohma said.

"Are you a retard?" Link asked. "That doesn't make any-" Gohma knocked the Hero of Time out and dragged him out of the room, then back in. It was now fixed.

"Ah, the wonders of this crazy, crazy world…"

And because the temple is so long, Link found himself battling a Wallmaster. "WHERE THE HELL DID THIS THING COME FROM?" he screamed as it attempted to grab him. Link stabbed it before the hand retreated to the ceiling. "Come on you SOB, I know you're up there," he growled. There was a ghostly sound before the Wallmaster jumped down from the ceiling. It was about to grab Link when Navi came from no where and stabbed it with the Kokiri sword, which was more of a dagger. The two gave each other a high-five before moving on to the next room.

Link saw a few pictures on the walls, but walked by them. Then he fell on the ground. "Who just kicked me?" he demanded.

"No one," Navi said.

"But I felt it!"

"Ah, is wittle Link scared of the big bad ghost?"

"Something just punched me in the face!"

"Don't worry, we'll make sure you don't get punched to death," Gohma threw in.

"My arm's on fire!"

"Do you want me to kiss it better?" Navi asked.

"You guys suck."

Link walked through a door and a Stalfos jumped at him. Navi stabbed it in the face.

"Easy!" Link said, when two more came from the roof. After a rather lengthy and intense battle he killed one and started attacking the other one. Link punched it in the face with his shield and was about to finish it when another skeletal hand grabbed him by the hair and smashed his face against the ground. Gohma noticed that it was... the dead one?

"I'll take care of it." Gohma smashed it against a wall, causing it to fall to pieces once more. These pieces reformed momentarily and were once again destroyed by Gohma. "As long as one is alive the other will be too. Kill it already!"

"It isn't that easy!" Link yelled as he was on the ground, disarmed, holding the Stalfos' sword with his bare hands. It was slowly getting closer to his heart. There was a wee bit of an incident where it told me to do long division, kicked me in the nuts while I was distracted, took my weapons and then this happened! It wasn't very nice. Now HELP!"

"Oh for crying out loud..." Gohma ate the Stalfos and then kicked the other one off of Link, eating it as well. "Happy?"

"Overjoyed actually, though you could have done it before it stuck its sword in my chest." Link grunted as he pulled the bloody sword out of his lung. "That'll leave a mark."

"Well now that that is over," Navi said.

"Yeah, I-" Gohma belched, and a chest came out. They were all silent, staring at the wooden object.

"Did that hurt?"

"Like hell."

While they talked, Link opened the chest and found a bow and some arrows. "Sweet!" Link ran back to the last room and saw a painting with a Poe on it. "Now I can get payback for being kicked!" he shot it, and a ghost came out. "AH! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" Link screamed as the Poe attacked him ruthlessly.

Link closed his eyes and swung his sword wildly, stabbing it forward at the end. Hearing a scream, he opened his eyes in happiness to see the injured Poe. He was greeted by an angry and bleeding Gohma with a bloody shoulder. "You dick! I'll kill you!"

"My bad..."

-The next Poe-

Link did the same thing to the portraits in the next staircase and it appeared as well. It spun around randomly and Link sidestepped, causing it to hit Gohma. Gohma laid a few eggs, and the children feasted on their favourite snack.

"Guys, give Link his arm back and eat the Poe!" Gohma snapped.

"But it's funny!" Moe, who had just made another appearance, said.

"FUCKING UNRELIABLE AND SOMEWHAT SMELLY SPIDERS!" Link screamed, angering all of the Gohmas in the room. They did not leave him unpunished for his blasphemy. As this happened, Navi managed to overpower the Poe and drive its head through the wall.

-Numero Tres-

The tres Poe, Amy, was sitting in a single picture. It had a sombrero on for some reason. Link shot the picture and some blocks fell from the ceiling onto him. There was a crunching noise. Gohma saw the puzzle with the blocks and solved it, not even bothering to help Link. Once it was solved, the Poe came out. It laughed maniacally and ran across the room while swinging its lantern wildly. Link tried to stab it in the face, but the Poe became transparent and was left unwounded. Amy rematerialized on the other side of the room and did another run across, leaving no injuries.

"This is leading no where," Navi said. "We need some kind of plan."

"I could always stab it in the face," Link suggested eagerly, stroking the Master Sword.

"That failed last time," Gohma said. "What we need to do is find some kind of blunt object and lay out a-" Amy crashed into Gohma "Oh you bitch!" Gohma stood on its tail, towering above the Poe before slamming all of its limbs onto the poor ghost. She was promptly obliterated by the sheer intensity of the blow.

Link spoke his thoughts. "I think we should do that."

-Final Poe-

Link jumped down from the ledge he was on, and charged at the last Poe, Meg. The Poe looked at Link, recognizing him. "You're the one who punched me!" Meg cackled and split into four images, all rotating around the room. "Guess which one is the real me!" she laughed.

"Link, shoot them all in the face," Navi said. Link did as told, taking out his bow and firing it through the face of one of the Poes. This one happened to be the real Meg, killing her instantly. The four flames were now lit and an elevator rose from the floor. "It was my idea, I take credit for our win. If any of you disagree I will castrate you, got it?"

"Give it a shot, I call you out and take credit for that despite my lack of involvement," Gohma interjected. "Just try to castrate me."

"The peanut gallery isn't allowed to talk."

"Oh, I am so insulted. However will I be able to continue living after taking such brutal punishment from my actions? You are truly a terrifying foe."

"Quiet over there," Link said. "We must continue onwards!" He heroically walked into the elevator and it lowered to the bottom level of the temple. Gohma jumped into the air and easily smashed through the floor, arriving at the same destination.

"So how do we solve this puzzle?" Navi asked, looking at the walls that could be spun with pressure on the handles.

Gohma walked through one. "We don't."

Link shrugged and walked up to the door which wouldn't open. "The hell?"

"I think we need that boss key you sold on e-bay."

"Damn."


	15. Phantom Battle

**Phantom Battle**

Link sat outside of the temple with his laptop. He went on E-Bay to see if the boss key was purchased. It was, so he tried to buy it back.

"How much for it?" Navi asked.

"459 rupees," Link said. They all combined their money and had 458.9 rupees.

"How the hell do you get .9 rupees?" Gohma asked.

"Maybe we could ask King Dodongo for some money," Link suggested.

"No way! We'll just _lose _money!" Gohma said. "He's done it before. Barinade asked to borrow 50 rupees and by the end of the conversation Dodongo had made 142!"

"That's just screwed up," Navi commented.

"Tell me about it, that guy's a freaking genius! Volvagia wanted a cup of sugar and ended up calculating his taxes! A Goht asked where to get a driver's license and ended up doing his groceries."

"Who?"

"You'll find out eventually."

"Anyway, where the hell are we gonna get .1 rupees?" Link asked.

"We could always loot that Moblin leader down there," Navi suggested.

"I got it!" Link exclaimed. "We'll steal it from the hotdog stand!"

"If you're going to rob me then don't scream about it," the hotdog Moblin said.

Gohma sighed. "I'll go steal from the Moblin Leader…"

"We could borrow it from Sheik," Link suggested.

"He left a while ago," Navi said.

"Poe sisters?"

"Dead."

"King Dodongo?"

"Been over it."

"Sheik?"

"I'm just going to hit you." Navi smacked him when Gohma came back with money.

"That guy had a lot of money," Gohma said. "And for some reason fifty coupons for a Big Mac from Subway…"

They went back to the boss room and opened the door. "Where the hell are we?" Link asked.

"The boss room," Navi answered.

"But it looks like an art gallery," Link muttered. "And I don't see any creepy monster. Let's go check this place out."

The trio went up the stairs and found themselves on a platform surrounded by pictures. "I'm bored," Link said.

"We're all bored," Gohma said.

"Not as bored as me!"

"It bet 200 rupees I'm more bored then you."

"You're on! Navi, who's more bored?"

Navi looked at them. "Well since you seem excited at the concept of money I'd say Gohma."

"Damn…" Link handed Gohma 200 rupees. "Screw this, I'm going to Do's."

He tried to exit only for metal spikes to come from the floor into his feet. Link screamed and fell face first downward. He opened his eyes and found himself at the temple entrance. "What… the… HELL?"

A Wolfos looked at him. "You died," it said.

"So the afterlife looks like the forest temple…" Link muttered. "DAMMIT! I owe Barinade 50 bucks!"

"You're not in the afterlife, just dead," the Wolfos said. "When you die you got to the beginning of whatever area you were in."

"I wish we were like that," the second Wolfos said.

"COOL!" Link stabbed himself in the face. He fell down screaming in pain.

"Yeah, um, that didn't kill you, just took out 2 and a half hearts," the first Wolfos said. "Still got a bit more."

"_WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT?_"

"Well it's kind of common knowledge. Besides, you kind of instantly stabbed yourself. Oy, Link? Hello? I think he's dead now."

"Yeah, me too."

Link materialized out of mid air. "I died of bloodloss didn't I?"

"Yup."

Link went back to the boss room and found Gohma and Navi looking at him impatiently. "Well I kind of HOLY SHIT IT'S GANONDORF!" 'Ganondorf' rolled his eyes. "I never expected to encounter him so early in the game, do we have to fight twice or something?"

"If you hadn't of died you would have heard us go over it," 'Ganondorf' said. His head became smoke before turning into a horned skull with glowing eyes. The horse he was on flew into the air.

**Phantom Ganon  
**_Evil Spirit From Beyond_

"What are you supposed to be?" Link asked nervously.

"READ MY TITLE!" Phantom Ganon said before his horse ran into one of the pictures. Link had no clue how to fight Phantom Ganon and was blasted by him when he exited a picture. This happened repeatedly.

"Use the bow you idiot!" Navi said.

"COME ON, THIS IS TOO EASY!" Phantom said. "AT LEAST _TRY _TO AGH! YOU SHOT ME IN THE EYE!" The ghost threw an attack which hit Link in the head, knocking him out.

Navi looked at Gohma. "Do something with that bow and arrow!"

"I can't hold both, I got pincers! You do it!"

"I'm tiny, it would crush me like Swiss cheese!"

Gohma walked over to Link and began searching him as Phantom charged at them in a picture. "Navi, distract him!"

"Got it!" Navi flew over to the picture and flipped it over, causing a crashing noise and a loud swear. "That should keep him busy!"

Gohma shrugged and found Link's Ocarina Phantom flew out of another picture and Gohma threw it at him. Phantom smacked it with his scepter and it went flying somewhere. "Zelda won't like that," Navi muttered.

Gohma found the Hookshot and turned to the picture Phantom was coming out of. Gohma threw it hard and it knocked Phantom off his horse. "What do you know, it actually does work on a boss…"

Link sat up. "Did I win?" he asked. Phantom threw the Hookshot at him and Link was knocked out again. Gohma lunged at Phantom who flew out of the way and floated high out of reach.

Gohma laid some eggs and threw the hatchlings at Phantom. "Feast my children!" it screamed before cackling manically.

"Did you hit your head on something," Link asked nervously. Suddenly multiple hatchlings that missed Phantom landed in front of Link.

"Good enough," one said before they all lunged at the Hero of Time. Navi would have helped, but she wasn't in the mood. And the Gohma vs Phantom battle wasn't nearly as interesting.

Phantom threw a few more energy at Gohma who dodged them all. "Navi, I need some information!"

"Phantom Ganon, it's an evil ghost of the forest temple. He comes out of one of the pictures. Answer his magic attack with an attack of your own."

"Anything useful now?"

"He has a strange obsession with chilly peppers," Navi added.

"You're an asshole sometimes," Gohma growled.

"I try."

"QUIT TALKING!" Phantom dive-bombed them, hitting Navi with his scepter. "That's three hearts of damage bitch!"

Link threw the last Gohma larva off the ledge. Brushing his hands off, he turned to Phantom and took out his bow. "I got it in this temple so it should help beat this guy!" He shot an arrow at Phantom who blocked it and shot a lot of lightning balls at Link. After he mentally recovered from the near death experience Link went over to help Gohma.

"Did you do any damage?" Link asked.

"Nope, this guy's like an erratic muskrat on speed," Gohma said.

"An erotic midget from Creed?" Link asked and Gohma smacked him.

Phantom threw an energy ball at Link who hit it back with one eye closed.

"Of course! Hit his energy back! That was actually smart Link!" Gohma said.

"Um, yeah! Aren't I amazing?" Link exclaimed. Im truth he closed an eye to get rid of depth perception in hope that it would cause Phantom to be hit by a swing due to a tear in the space time continuum, thus causing the entire universe to fall apart. But Gohma's made him sound smarter.

Phantom saw the energy coming and hit it back. So did Link. They both kept hitting it back for a long time. Eventually Phantom swung too early and it hit him, causing the spirit to fall. Gohma attempted to eat Phantom, but that would make it too easy, so Phantom punched it. Link ran over and stabbed Phantom in the stomach. So Phantom shoved his scepter up Link's ass.

Phantom sat on the ground bleeding. "Damn, he hit my Focluian!" The others all looked at him. "I'm the clone of a Gerudo, and as such have a very different nervous system."

Suddenly a portal opened up and began to suck Phantom in. "SON OF A BITCH!" Phantom said, but Link tackled him and pinned him to the ground. "You just saved my life. Damn, now I'm in debt."

"Sure…" Link said. He was actually going to beat the shit out of him for shoving that stick up his ass, but extra help would be nice.


	16. Link's Completely Screwed Past

**Link's Completely Screwed Past **

They all went into the portal and were all instantly teleported to the exact same location in the chamber of sages.

"Hello L- WHAT THE HELL?" Saria screamed. The teleporter had fused them together to make Phantom Lavima.

"HELP ME!" Phantom Lavima screamed.

"Why don't I talk to you since Link will probably be distracted by that butterfly over there," Saria said.

"I am in continuous pain… OOOO, A BUTTERFLY!" Phantom Lavima started chasing a butterfly and eventually fell off the platform, killing him. They all respawned separate.

"That was… right," Saria muttered. "I should probably tell you I'm the forest sage."

"I wish I was a sage," Link said. "Then I could- OOOO, A BUTTERFLY!"

Saria smacked her forehead. "Gohma, could you give me a hand?" Gohma was also chasing the butterfly. "Why me!" she screamed as she fell to her knees. Navi pat her on the back sympathetically.

"There there, Gohma will probably eat it," the fairy said.

Gohma walked over to them with the butterfly on its shoulder. "I named him Paul!" it said enthusiastically. They stared at Gohma. "What? I have a strange obsession with snakes and butterflies. I plan to crossbreed them into a flying snake someday."

Saria sighed and then saw Phantom. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"You two know each other?" Link asked.

"Yeah, I'm the one that kidnapped her!" Phantom chimed in.

"You didn't have to hit me with that tree," Saria growled.

"Or that airplane, but I did it anyway."

"When did you hit me with an airplane?" Saria asked.

"When you were unconscious."

"THAT'S IT!" Her catapult appeared out of no where and she loaded a cow into it. "PREPARE TO DIE!"

The group sat in front of the Deku Tree, gasping for air. "How the hell did we get out of that alive?" Gohma asked.

"Can't remember," Navi panted.

"I know!" a leaf said.

"Why is there a talking leaf on the ground?" Link asked. Suddenly a sprout popped out of the ground.

"Greetings! I am the Deku Sprout!" it said.

"What happened to the Deku Tree?" Link asked. They were silent until Gohma smacked him over the head.

"I don't like my work being forgotten!" it growled. "Speaking of which, I better fill Paul in on my accomplishments." Gohma walked off to the side and began speaking with the butterfly.

They all stared for a few moments before turning their attention to the sprout. "Link, have you wondered why you've grown but the other Kokiri didn't?" it asked.

"There's other Kokiri?" Link looked around.

"Link shut up," Phantom ordered.

"You aren't a Kokiri Link, you're a Hylian," the sprout told him.

"How am I Hylian if I'm a Kokiri?" Link questioned.

"Navi, smack my forehead for me," the Deku Sprout told her. Navi hit him in the head. "OW! That was too hard!"

"Well _sorry_ Mr. Tree-man."

The sprout sighed. It really hated life right now. "Link, do you want to hear your back story or not?"

"Nah, I'm good," Link said. Phantom kicked him in the head.

"I do!" the ghost said.

"His mom was wounded in a war and brought him here then DIED," the sprout said. They all stared.

"That it?" Gohma asked.

"Yup!" the Deku Sprout replied happily.

"I'm gonna burn this freaking thing," Phantom growled and Gohma grabbed him.

"No!" it said. "I killed the big one, so I get to kill the small one."

"No one's killing anything!" Navi yelled. "Unless I'm involved."

"Sure, we can kill you!" Link growled.

The sprout was scared now and buried itself underground again, or at least that was the plan.

"Why are you wiggling?" Phantom asked.

"I'm attempting to rebury myself to escape the impending doom," the sprout explained. It soon caught on fire and began screaming.

"Who did that?" Link asked.

"Paul did!" Gohma exclaimed. "I've trained him well!"

"Butterflies can't do crap like that," Link argued.

"Well that because no one **EVER **suspects the butterfly!" Gohma cackled maniacally as Paul threw a can of oil behind a bush and landed on Gohma.

"I need to go talk with someone," Navi said before flying away.

The medium rare sprout sighed. "Why did I apply for this job in the first place?" it asked itself. "Will you people leave already? I did my job now leave me in peace!"

"Oh, we'll leave you in pieces," Link said as he reached for his sword. "Where the hell's my sword?"

Suddenly a dark coloured fairy flew over to them. "Hi! I'm Gate, Saria's fairy!" he said. "She sent me to give you this!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Forest Medallion. "She chased you away before you could grab it. Oh, and Link's sword which something called Phantom Lavima dropped."

Navi flew over to them. "Who the hell is this?" she asked angrily, aura turning red.

"GateNavi. NaviGate. You'reintroducednowgimmemysword!" Link yelled quickly. Gate handed him his sword.

"Nice day isn't it?" Gate said randomly. They looked at him. "I have Generic Sentence Disorder, or GSD, where I randomly say things that are completely off topic. Rare yet serious thing. I've known people who were killed for something no one wanted to hear."

"Really?" Phantom asked.

"No, I made that up," Gate admitted. Gohma put him in a sack.

"Let's go to the next Temple already. Which one?"

"If I die in here my spirit will haunt you!" Gate yelled.

"Spirit temple," Link said. "That way we'll have already been there so we'll never encounter his spirit!"

Navi sighed. "You're an idiot Link."

"And proud of it! I have a membership it DAP, Dumb and Proud!" he said, taking out a card.

"That's a bus pass," Phantom pointed out, hitting Link over the head with the sack. ("SON OF A BITCH!" was heard from inside)

They all left the forest, ignoring all the attention they brought and destroyed houses they caused. After entering Hyrule Field they saw someone they NEVER wanted to see AGAIN, and if they did would kill themselves slowly and painfully.

"Well, well, well, it looks like you made it out of the forest," Kae Gae said. "I really wanted to loot you."

"Stay away from my owl pellets, I don't want you to eat them!" Link yelled, backing away.

"Link, do you even know what owl pellets are?" Gohma asked.

"Of course, tasty!" He grabbed an owl pellet and popped it into his mouth. "Mmmmmm! Crunchy!"

Kae Gae looked like he was about to break out laughing. "Link, those are our dropping," he laughed.

"I know." It was very silent.


	17. Pants Issues

**Pants Issues **

Ganondorf sat in his throne room in front of his organ. "Alright, let's try this one more time, okay moms?"

Koume and Kotake were pretty much asleep. "Huh?" Kotake moaned. "Wha? Sure, go ahead Wallis…"

He cracked his fingers and attempted to play The Entertainer again. His horrible playing woke the witches up completely and made a Stalfos kill himself. And then get brought back to life by his partner. As he finished, an ecstatic Ganondorf turned to the witches. "How was that?"

Before they could answer an Iron Knuckle walked in. "Sir, Phantom Ganon failed," it said.

"Was he sent to the Gap Between Dimensions like I asked you to do?"

"No, we screwed up and nearly sent him to the land of eternal happiness and sunshine." Everyone in the room shivered. "We know that would have been much worse, but he was saved anyway."

"Good," Ganondorf said. "Not even failures deserve to go there." He zoned out, remembering his own trip to the L.O.E.H.A.S… "But back on topic. Where's my sandwich?"

"That's not on topic," Koume pointed out.

"Yes, it's the reason I called this guy, he sucks at reporting news," Ganondorf explained. "I have the other Knuckle for that. Believe me, at least two things he reported will be proved false by the next guy. Speaking of him, bring in the next guy!"

Another Knuckle came in as the other left. "Phantom didn't exactly fail, he killed the hero who was brought back to life. Also, he wasn't saved, just got lucky and escaped."

"Told you," Ganondorf whispered.

"They are now heading toward the Spirit Temple."

Koume and Kotake cackled. "We'll deal with them," Koume said.

"Our minion will do us well," Kotake added.

"But you haven't gotten that minion from the past yet," Ganondorf pointed out. They looked at each other, confused.

-With our heroes-

After the owl pellets incident, they moved on. Link decided to get some food from castle town, even though it was destroyed. When he entered he saw a bunch of Redeads circling him. They slowly moved toward them.

"WHAT'LL WE DO?" Link screamed.

"Eat the pineapples!" Gate yelled.

Phantom stabbed them all with his scepter. "Happy now?" he asked the adventurers.

"Very." Only those three and Navi had gone into castle town as Gohma had decided to try and find King Dodongo or Barinade.

Suddenly the invincible Tektite returned. "You have got to be kidding me," Navi said. The Tektite tackled Navi and punched Link.

"We could be good friends," Phantom pointed out.

"Hackf lorre cyrokc kogge," the Tektite said.

Phantom stared. "Riiiiiight. I'll just go now…" He floated away, leaving Link and the two fairies to deal with the invincible Tektite. Navi threw a bomb. The Tektite didn't die. Link threw Gate. The Tektite didn't die. Gate threw Link. The Tektite was hurt, but didn't die.

Phantom was enjoying the show until the Tektite attacked him. Phantom hit it with his staff and it went flying into a house.

"Wow," Link commented. The Tektite leaped at them and Phantom hit it again. The Tektite got up, brushed itself off, and charged again. Phantom hit it like a baseball and looked into the distance as it went flying.

"Aaaaaaaaaand it's out of here!" Phantom exclaimed.

"Phantom," Link began, "never leave us as long as that Tektite continues to live." Phantom left.

"Time to rule the world!" Gate yelled.

"You seriously have a problem with that GSD that needs checked out," Navi said.

"Yeah, that was the GSD," Gate said, glancing around suspiciously.

Link decided to be adventurous and go to where Hyrule Castle used to be. When he arrived he was in for a surprise…

"HOLY SHIT!" Link screamed. "That rock moved over seven years! IT'S ALIVE!" He ran away screaming and ended up nearly falling in the lava. Phantom grabbed him and threw the Hero of Time into the wall, determining that it would be safer for him there.

"And the castle suspended over lava didn't catch your eye," Navi said disbelievingly. When she realized it was Link she was talking to it became more understandable.

"Hey, a castle!" And this is the part where he sees the main feature.

-Inside-

An Iron Knuckle walked into the room where Ganon, Koume and Kotake were all back in their original positions. "Lord Ganondorf, there are four intruders across the moat, talking loudly," it reported. "What should we do?"

Ganondorf stood up. "I'll handle it myself."

"That would have been a lot more threatening if you were wearing pants," Kotake said.

"They're in the laundry!" Ganondorf defended. "You! Knuckle! Give me your pants!"

-Outside-

"Hey, Ganondorf has tomato plants over there!" Link said, taking out his bow. "How much do you want to bet I can shoot them?"

"Can't on first try for 400 rupees," Navi said.

"Can on second try for 250 rupees," Gate said.

"Will hit someone first try for 700 rupees," Phantom said.

Link shot an arrow which missed. It went in through a window, there was a scream and someone fell out the window into the lava. Link swore and threw an arrow which speared a plant.

"We all win," the three said at once. Link swore again.

Ganondorf walked out the front door, staring at them from across the gap. "Stop shooting at my tomatoes!" he screamed.

"Why are your pants so weird?" Link asked.

"Seven years of not seeing me and that's the first thing you ask?" Ganondorf snapped. "I would have thought something that involved my taking over of the kingdom!"

"On the way here he tried to feed me to fish sticks," Gate explained dully.

"Seriously, those pants are screwed up," Link said. "I mean, I would understand clown pants, no pants or one pant, but giant metal pants? What the hell?"

"Why is it called a pair of pants if there's only one?" Phantom asked out of no where.

"Just leave, we aren't even supposed to meet for a few more temples anyway," Ganondorf said. They didn't move. "I could sic my next boss on you, thus screwing up the timeline and killing us all." They left very quickly.

"Let's hide in the past!" Link suggested.

"And how would we do that?" Navi asked dully.

"Simple, if I put the master sword back in its pedestal then I will return to being a kid!"

"That's the most retarded logic I've ever heard," Navi said dully.

Link went to the Temple of Time where he saw Sheik. "Hey, Sheik buddy!"

"We aren't buddies," Sheik said. "I have a new song to teach you-"

"I hope it brings me pizza!"

"Shut up. It will teleport you here whenever you play it, and I have to tell you the function of the master sword-"

"A lockpick, I know. In fact, during the Forest Temple-"

"QUIET. The master sword can bring you back to the past whenever you return it to its pedestal-"

"I'm just that great, ain't that right Navi?"

"SHUT UP BEFORE I TEAR OPEN YOUR FACE AND TAKE OUT YOUR DAMN BRAIN AND STUFF IT UP YOUR DICK SO I CAN DROWN YOU IN YOUR OWN TEARS!"

Link was silent. Navi was silent. Gate was silent. Ganondorf was silent. Tatl was silent. Argorok was silent. Bowser was silent. Davy Jones was silent.

Sheik finally calmed down. "Just learn the Prelude of Light so we can move on with this."

Link played it and put the sword in its pedestal. "Past, here I come!"

He let go, now a kid. "Past, here I am!"

"Don't do that," Navi told him.

"Damn, you came with me?" Link sighed in defeat. "Looks like there'll be no getting rid of you… At least no more Gate!"

"Actually he said he has to go check up on something the second we got back," Navi explained.

"Crap."


	18. Well, What Now?

Before I start the chapter, I just want to tell everyone that I'm throwing the Temples COMPLETELY out of order, just to let you know so that you don't get confused. Now here's the chapter…

**Well, What Now?**

Link thoroughly enjoyed being a kid. Shorter, slower, weaker… okay, maybe he didn't. Well, Link was busy wandering around, attempting to kill time.

"You do know that when you go back to the future it'll be at the same time, so it's pointless to hide," Navi said.

"Unless… I kill Ganondorf now!" Link reasoned, which Navi groaned to.

"You're as strong as a twig, and he could lift to Eiffel Tower, I don't think there'll be much of a competition," Navi stated.

"Ha! The Eiffel Tower's 3 feet tall, that's not much!" Navi smacked her forehead.

"Fine, you do that…"

"There's no way Ganondorf can stand up to the might of a Kokiri!" Link proclaimed.

"You're a Hylian!"

"Silly Navi, Hylians are blue."

Navi was silent. "Link, did you have your brain removed and replaced with a toaster when you were younger?" she asked.

Link got thirsty while he was in Kakariko Village. He was about to play the song of storms when he had a sudden realization. "I haven't bathed once!"

"Any _other _important realizations, possibly involving the Song of Storms and Kakariko?" Navi questioned.

"If I invest in flying pigs, we could be millionaires!"

Navi smashed her head into a wall repeatedly. "Okay Link, now go bathe in the windmill using the song of storms," Navi suggested.

"How will the rain get me while I'm inside?"

"DO IT NOW OR I WILL EVISERATE YOUR SOUL."

-Somewhere far away-

Ganondorf got strangely angry. "Something wrong?" a Stalfos asked.

"Leave now or I will eviscerate your soul!" Ganondorf screamed. "I feel like I should sue for copyright…"

-Link & Navi-

Link ran into the windmill and saw a happy man playing an instrument. "Hello young one, isn't it a wonderful day!" he exclaimed. "The sun is shining, I got a promotion and won the lottery, nothing bad can possibly happen!"

"Good for you, I'm gonna go have a bath." He took out his ocarina and played the song of storms. Suddenly it began raining, speeding up the windmill and the man's toilet began to overflow.

"GRRR! Why would you do something like that you little brat! Day ruined!"

"It's barely overflowed- Hey, isn't this a paradox?" Link suddenly realized before he ran away as the man began to chase after him. Link ran out. "I need to hide…" He saw the village well sitting there in the middle of a path. "Sure, why not!" Link ran and dove in headfirst. Well, it was full of water, right?

Nope.

Link's head was jammed in the ground, and as he pulled it out Navi floated down beside him. "So will you look next time?" she asked.

"Look wha? Why does the… head thing… hurt…" Link passed out. Navi poked him with a stick until he woke up.

"Now that you've returned to the world of the living, there's a hole that you can crawl into down here," Navi said.

"Why would I want to crawl in a hole at the bottom of a well?" Link asked. "I mean, what could seriously be down here?"

"My strategy guide says there's a new toy down here," Navi said but Link was already crawling through the hole. He came out on the other side only to fall down a hole and be attacked by a Skulltula. "IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!"

The Skulltula began crying. "I just want a friend!"

"No, you're trying to eat me."

"Yup!" Navi saved him by tricking the Skulltula into eating itself.

"How the hell do you people do these weird things?"

"Magic."

Link turned to the hallway to see a dead end. "Well, the well's over, let's go."

"But there's a dungeon down here!" Navi said.

"No body cares!" Link grabbed Navi by one of her wee little legs and threw her at the wall, only for the fairy to pass through it! Link stared, blinking and slowly began to back away before running… into the wall behind him.

-Later-

Link was walking through a large room. "So there's fake walls, eh?"

"And floor," Navi added.

"Why do you say that?"

"Link, you're falling through one right now. And I'll bet you still haven't noticed!"

"Noticed what?" Link crashed to the floor, only to see he was surrounded by ReDeads. "You guys know how to get out of these caves?" he asked.

One of the ReDeads pointed at a silver rupee. "Graaaaaaab… aaaaalllllll… then goooooo… to dooooooorrrrrr… which issssss… locked cuuuuurrentlyyyyy," it said.

"Thanks, here's a tip." He tossed it a rupee.

Link got out of the caves. "Okay, now I need to find the awesome toy that's hidden in the well."

"_Oh Link…" _a loud and ominous voice boomed. _"Why don't you come here?"_

Link shrugged. "I don't see what can go wrong." He followed the loud voice until reaching a room filled with coffins, torch stands, and a mummy.

"_Keep going…"_

The Gibdo attacked Link but Navi quickly killed it with a rock. "I don't think it's a good idea to follow the ominous voice," Navi said.

"Whenever I follow a voice, good things happen," Link explained.

"No, whenever you follow a voice you get knocked unconscious while I have to fight it and you mumble about cookies and muffins!"

"Either way it ends up good." Link followed the voice until he reached a massive cage.

"_Hello, you think you could pass me that hacksaw?" _a voice asked from the darkness. _"A stupid ReDead stole it so I killed it but it dropped it just out of my reach."_

"This one?" Link picked up a hacksaw.

"_Yeah, gimme gimme!"_ Link passed the hacksaw through the bars as a huge pale hand grabbed it. _"Alright, at the rate I left off at only 7 more years until freedom!"_

"That's a long time," Link said. "Won't you die of hunger or ugliness?"

"_Did you just call me ugly?"_

"Well I only saw one hand and it made me want to kill myself."

"_When I get out I'm gonna kick your ass!"_

"Like you said, 7 years. That's a LONG time from now!"

Navi made herself known. "Link, you do know that now you'll have a new enemy when we go back to the future," she whispered.

"Relax, he won't remember me," Link said.

"Just because you have the memory span of a tomato doesn't mean everyone else does."

"My memory is– Hey, a cage!"

"_Urge to kill… rising…"_

-After solving the puzzles with Navi's strategy guide-

Link entered a large room with four long tentacle hands coming from the ground. "Those things are ugly!" Link said before one grabbed him. Suddenly a tall hunchback monster rose from the ground. It began to slowly make its way toward Link. Link kicked the tentacle hand in the crotch making it let go before stabbing the creature in the forehead.

"Link, what if it was friendly?" Navi asked.

"Yeah right, what monster that I've fought has been friendly?"

Dead Hand buried back underground, a wall of dirt throwing Link over. "Now that doesn't make any sense at all!"

"Do you want me to tell you things reasonably?"

"It would help preserve my ego if you didn't."

They soon noticed Dead Hand wasn't resurfacing. "It only came up when that hand grabbed you, so…" Navi motioned for Link to say something.

"So… I can put ketchup on a hotdog!"

"Get grabbed by the hands."

Link looked at one. "It looks like it's swarming with disease," he said before Navi pushed him into it, making Dead Hand resurface. The hand had a firmer grip making Dead Hand bite Link, causing him severe pain before biting again. Navi ripped one of the arms out of the ground and began to strangle Dead Hand with it, killing the… thing.

"And once again my quick thinking saves us again!" Link proclaimed. Navi stared, wondering if he had either too much pride to admit what happened or the hand had crushed his brain further. In reality, it was both.

A chest suddenly appeared. Link walked over, opening it to pull out the Lens of Truth. "Is this the toy? It looks crappy."

"Well it lets you see what's actually there," Navi said. "Try it out." Link put it over his eye like a magnifying glass and looked around.

"Navi, why are you naked underneath that glow aside from a sombrero?"

"Stop looking at me."

Link walked back into the main room, able to see all of the holes. "Nothing can bother me in this dungeon ever again!" A Wallmaster grabbed him and lifted Link into the roof.


	19. Deserted

**Deserted**

Link had returned to being an adult and, much to his dislike, they were out of pizza. Oh, Gate had come back and Gohma was telling him to stop standing there and to go do something.

"Link, you've been mourning that pizza for over an hour. Let it go," Gohma said, trying to get Link to move.

"It was like a father to me, how can you tell me to just let it go like that? Do you have no heart?!"

"Link… It's a pepperoni pizza…"

Navi put her hand on Gohma's shoulder. "Let's just leave him, he'll come running in a few minutes," the fairy suggested. They left and went out of the town, but Link wasn't following. "He'll come eventually."

"Hey guys, look what I found!" Link yelled from across the field.

"How the hell did he get over there?" Gate asked.

"We've learned not to ask questions," Navi said as they walked over to where Link was. He was standing at the opening to a path. Link, being the absolute genius he is, ran in to see what was in there. He managed to stop just before running into the canyon.

"Wow, that was close!" Link said, relieved. "Oh, what the hell." He leaped off the cliff, screaming: "WEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…" as he plummeted toward the water…'s edge. A massive thud echoed up to our smarter heroes. Let's scroll upwards to see what they're doing.

"Did he just…"

"Yup."

"Even though he…"

"Uh-huh."

"And he knew…"

"Yeah."

"What a strange…"

"You got it."

"You can…"

"I know."

"TOILET PAPER MUMMIES!" Gate interjected.

"Both of you shut up," Gohma snapped.

"But she…"

"Guilty as charged."

"STOP DOING…"

"No."

Let's take a look into the canyon, where a fairy he had captured in the Kokiri Forest revived Link before bursting into flames and was being incinerated now that its job was done. "My head…"

"FOR THE LOVE OF FARORE KILL ME!" the fairy pleaded.

"Nayru's the one with the love," Link corrected before ignoring it and focusing on escaping the canyon. "Now how to get up?"

"Why hello Link, in a pickle I see?"

Link froze, his blood running cold. He slowly turned around to see… "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…" This continued until Kae Gae smacked him upside the head.

"I have sensitive hearing!" Kae Gae snapped. "Now I can help you out of this canyon, but it will cost a price. You must… itch the back of my head!" Link reached over but was smacked away. "That was a joke, I can do that with my foot. I'll tell you sometime later, so you won't know. Do we have a deal?"

"Ooo! A butterfly!" Link began to chase it around until he fell into the river and was washed away, falling over a waterfall. Kae Gae stared for a moment.

"How that kid make it passed the sword–guarding boulder I'll never know…"

Link trudged up beside his companions, soaked and injured. "I will stab the next person I see…" he muttered. "Now how do I get across this canyon?"

The Hero of Time pulled his face from the dirt which Gohma threw him into. "I suppose I should thank you," Link said as the others crossed.

"Hey, you," the head carpenter said. "I was- GLAGH!" He fell over, Link's sword sticking out of his stomach. The others gapped at him.

"Well I _did_ say I would," Link told them before walking passed the injured man, farther. They cautiously followed.

The four entered a large fortress with many guards, all of whom looked similar to Ganondorf. "These must be the Gerudo, Ganondorf's people," Navi whispered. "Watch out, they're trained fighters and are extremely loyal to him, so we should try to avoid–"

"Navi," Gate began, putting him hand on her shoulder, "he just went to ask one for directions."

"And now he's in a submission hold," Gohma said. "No, they're beating him with the butt of their spears… now the sharp end. Okay, they're dragging him away, up some stairs, and throwing him in a sort of pit. Should we rescue him?"

"Nah."

"CUCUMBERS EAT THE MUFFIN MAN!"

-In the pit-

Link glared at the Gerudo who threw him in. "That could've killed me!" he yelled.

"Want us to do something that will _ensure_ your death?"

"I'll be good…" Link muttered.

"Good, say hi to your cellmate," the Gerudo said before leaving. Link turned to look at his cellmate.

"Yo," King Dodongo greeted.

"Wait, how did you of all peo- things get caught by these Gerudo?" Link questioned, very confused at the moment.

"Long story short: I got extremely drunk, wandered in here and woke up covered in confetti and Hello Kitty stickers," King Dodongo explained. Link couldn't really think of anything to say. "But now I can get out, you must have at least _one_ weapon that's capable of getting out through that window!" The beast pointed at a window with a wooden plank above it that a Hookshot could latch into.

"I think so… GOHMA!"

The wall was destroyed, and Gohma poked its head in as all the Gerudo in the background moaned in pain from the preceding trample. "What the hell do you want?"

"Do you think you could get me through that window?" Link asked, pointing to it.

"You could just, you know, come through the hole I made…"

"That's the easy way out, heroes take the hard route!" Link proclaimed heroically.

"No, they go the way that _won't_ end in a 50 foot drop that will break multiple bones," Gohma said. "Hi Dodongo."

"Hi Gohma."

Gohma knew it would be pointless to argue and threw Link through the window, sending him out and plummeting toward the ground, head first. There was a loud crack and blood began to pool around him.

"If the cops ask, Navi snapped," Gohma told King Dodongo who nodded. A fairy revived Link before catching fire like its companion.

"Ow, damn, my head's killing me," Link moaned.

"No, the impact was killing you, your head was just split open," Gohma corrected. "We should explore this place to see if there's anything useful. Don't worry about the guards, I'll just eat them."

"Hey, I haven't had a good feed in 36 minutes, I need food too!" King Dodongo argued.

"No, you need to work off all that fat," Gohma said, poking his gut.

"It's not fat! It's my specie's genetic structure, to make us resistant to stand weaponry!" King Dodongo defended.

"Sure, whatever you say," Gohma said, rolling its eye.

"If you two are done arguing like an old married couple, let's explore," Navi said.

"Say, Gohma, what gender are you?" Link asked. "You have this deep voice yet you can lay eggs."

"I'll give you a hint: _Queen_ Gohma," Gohma stated. Link stared blankly.

"I don't follow."

"Let's just move…"

-8 minutes later-

They snuck through the hallways, at least as sneakily as two monsters, two annoying fairies and a loudmouth could. Link saw a Gerudo guard sipping tea and reading a newspaper and hid behind a crate.

"Gohma, eat her!"

"I'm allergic to tea, you'll have to do it yourself," Gohma whispered.

Link jumped out from behind the crate and stabbed the Gerudo straight through the throat. She fell to the ground. "That was really easy," he said in wonder. "I never expecting that killing one of Ganondorf's minions would be- HOLY CRAP SHE'S STANDING UP!" He slashed her spine in half. "Whew, that was close, better hide the body though." Link went to drag her when she began to shift, starting to get up. "AH!" Link stabbed the Gerudo through the face and she fell back down. "What the hell is this thing?!"

"I think we should go before she gets back up," Navi suggested.

"Or I _carve out its heart_."

"Or… that…" Link carved out the Gerudo's heart, snapped the neck, mixed the brain with a spoon and lit a bomb in her chest cavity. After all that the Gerudo started to get up. She then caught Link and threw him in the dungeon.

-A few minutes later-

"Okay, we have to avoid the Gerudo at all costs," Link stated. They navigated the fortress with Link knocking out/stabbing every guard for a few moments and passing. Eventually they found a prison cell.

"Hey, you, look over here!" the prisoner said. "I have no idea where you come from, but you must have a lot of guts to make it past all the guards around here!"

"All it takes is a good arm, which I lack," Link said, rubbing his aching arm.

"All of my fellow carpenters are imprisoned somewhere in here. If you can get us out of here, we'll repay the favour somehow!"

"Kill Ganondorf!"

The carpenter stared at him for a moment. "We'll talk later. But be careful! There're sure to be Gerudo guards somewhere around here… Woo! Watch out!"

"'Woo'? What kind of-" The Gerudo guard slashed Link's back, knocking him over. "That's it bitch, you're going down!" She drop-kicked his face. "Once I get back up…" Link muttered in a dazed tone.

King Dodongo rammed the guard, splattering her against the wall. "That was the guard who took my Kit-Kat, I recognized her!"

"They all look the same, at least until DOLPHINS HIT MUSHROOMS WITH HAMMERS!" Gate exclaimed.

King Dodongo only really listened to the first part. "Whatever, I bet she was a bitch anyway…" Link walked over to the smudge mark and grabbed a key. He then unlocked the carpenter's cell.

"Did you come here to save me?"

"N- Oh sure why not?"

"Oh, that's just swell! I'm Ichiro the carpenter," the carpenter said.

"What the hell kind of name is that?" Link asked.

"You aren't one to be talking," Navi pointed over.

"Yeah, well your name isn't even a word!" Link retaliated.

The carpenter continued. "We were really interested in joining their all-female group, but they locked us up like this just because we're men! We don't care about the Gerudo anymore! They're so rude!"

"Well did you do anything to piss them off?" Navi asked.

"Of course not!" the carpenter defended. "We did nothing wrong, especially not get accepted in, have a celebration which resulted in us getting drunk, stealing some battleaxes and butchering the livestock!" The group stared wide eyed at him.

"Um, well… three of my fellows have also been captured, so please help them escape, too!" He ran away extremely quickly.

"I have a better idea," Gate said and they all listened.

-Outside-

"This day sucks," a Gerudo said to another as their patrol routes passed each other. They walked down the rest of the route before briefly meeting again.

"Why?" the other asked. They did their route.

"First my pet Cucco gets eaten…" They did the route. "…by a Peahat, I find out I've…" They did the route. "…been demoted and will receive half pay, and now…" They did the route. "…a Turbo-Scorpion escaped confinement and obliterated my…" They did the route. "…house!"

"Those Turbo-Scorpions were a bad idea," the second guard said before they did the route. "I wonder why Ganondorf created them." They did the route.

"Well at least this day can't get any worse!"

King Dodongo burst through the side of the fortress, killing 6 Gerudo. He then rampaged around, massacring the rest.

"What the hell is that doing?!" the third in command screamed.

"Killing," Link stated.

"Everyone," Gohma added.

"WHAT? WHY?!"

"They kept throwing me in jail," Link said, enjoying the carnage.

"Well if I give you a membership so that you can go around freely will you make it stop?" the third in command begged. Link thought for a moment.

"Only if you let the carpenters go, we have an awesome deal, and give me an Ice Cream Sunday," Link bargained.

"Do you think I'll say no? In the time we've been talking I've lost 80 percent of my troops!"

* * *

Yes, it is possible to go to the Spirit Temple so soon, Epona can jump the bridge. I just replaced her with Gohma.


	20. That Damn Owl

_Published November 30, 2008_

**That Damn Owl**

The group was standing in front of the gate. "Can't you open it faster?" Link asked.

"There's no one up there," Phantom told him, gesturing to the empty area where the gate guards would have been. "King Dodongo ate them."

"Bah! I'll do it myself…" Link climbed the ladder, slowly reaching the top. A random Gerudo soldier saw this and walked over toward the six person group.

"I don't think you can, those guards had the best training in this whole fortress. You probably can't open it…" she said. King Dodongo ate her immediately. Gohma glared at him, and he glared back. The competition had started: who could eat more…

"This shouldn't be too hard!" Link finally reached the top. "Or not…" There was a massive panel with dozens of buttons, switches and levers, none of which were labelled. "Well, time to test my luck!" He pressed a random button.

The gate opened.

"Sweet!" Link yelled. He was about to climb down, but looked back at the control panel. "Oh, what the hell…" He ran up and pressed/pulled everything. Multiple missiles launched into the air, every Gerudo got electrocuted and the fortress broke out of the ground, transforming into a massive robot.

"_I am programmed to assist the creator in his and or her desires. DESTROY… DESTROY…_"

"Let's go!" Link ran into the desert, the group following, ignoring the Gerudo battling against their mechanical fortress.

The group was wandering through the area, and ran into a man sitting on a floating carpet. "Hello, you look like a smart man," he said to Link.

"Well, I am hailed for being a genius," Link bragged. The others shook their heads in disbelief.

"Sounds about right, you seem intelligent. Well, there's just one thing about you… but you won't care…"

"What is it?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!" Link screamed, shaking the man by his shoulders.

"Take it easy!" He pushed Link back. "The problem is that you don't have my special equipment, one every smart man has! This can be yours for just 200 rupees! My last incredibly intelligent customer bought them for it!

"You, my friend, have a deal!"

"Here are your Bombchus!"

-20 seconds later-

The carpet was covered in blood. Everyone stared. "Did Link just…" Phantom began.

"Yeah…" Navi interjected.

"SERIOUSLY, ST-"

"Indeed."

"I can't believe he took out a Bombchu and stood there holding it," the salesman said, staring at the spot Link used to be.

"He's far from bright."

The respawned Link ran up behind them from the entrance. "What'd I miss?"

-Later-

They were walking through the storm when Link began sinking. "I'll pull you out," Phantom offered dully.

"No need, I'll pull my feet out with the rest of my legs," Link said, sticking his legs in. And I'll pull them out with my arms." He stuck his arms in the sand so that only his head was above. "And I'll pull my arms out with the only part of me left, my face." He dunked his face in so that Link's entire body was under.

-20 seconds later-

"Well, that failed, should we help him?" Gate asked. Gohma reached in and pulled him out.

"I don't understand, it worked for that other guy!" Link muttered. "How could it work for him but not me?"

"Even I don't understand it, and yet…" Moe added.

"What are you two talking about?" King Dodongo asked, greatly confused.

"It happened during those greatly twisted 7 years I was out for," Link responded. "Responded, that a neat word…"

Gohma smacked him in the back of the head, hard. "No breaking the 4th wall! It confuses everyone except yourself!"

"Especially me!" King Dodongo screamed, too confused for words. Deciding to continue their quest, the group got lost multiple times, eventually ending up at a large stone structure. Link felt like randomly testing all his equipment.

"Master Sword… working. Bow…"

"OW!" Gate screamed.

"…working. Hookshit…"

"ASSHOLE!" Gohma screamed, grabbing its eye in pain.

"…working. Lens of Truth… WOAH! GHOST!"

"Yo," said Poe greeted. "Name's Al, whazzup? I'm the tour guide of this desert. No one knows it better than me! Wanna see the Arbiter's Grounds, built by the Hylians 10 000 years ago, costing 6000 lives? Just ask."

"Where's the Spirit Temple?" Link asked.

"Um… sure that you don't want to see the Grounds? It's quite a sight. The Spirit Temple's just over there anyway…"

"I want to go to the Temple," Link decided. Al sighed in disappointment.

"Fine, follow me." Al led them to the Temple. "Ta-da. Are you absolutely SURE you don't want to see the Arbiter's Grounds? There's treasure…"

"Nah, I'm good," Link said, waving it off. They all began to walk toward the Spirit Temple. Just before they entered, someone behind them coughed. Everyone turned around. "_You…_"

"Hi," Kae Gae said. "I just felt like telling you that you won't find anything in there."

"Of course we won't," Gohma interjected sarcastically. "Go eat some bird seed."

"I'm just trying to save you the time that you'll-"

"We don't need to hear this, go before Dodongo eats you!" Navi growled. Kae Gae flew away very quickly.

"Maybe we should have listened to him," Phantom Ganon advised. "His advice seemed genuine…"

Link scoffed at this. "He's an annoying asshole, his advice is NEVER genuine."

"I'm surprised you know what that means," Gohma said. "Anyway, moving on." They entered the Temple.

-20 minutes later-

"THERE'S NOTHING HERE!" Link screamed. "It's just a big empty room!"

"Let's see if there's anything outside," Gohma suggested, so they all walked outside.

Kae Gae flew over to them. "I believe that I told you something earlier…"

"Shut it."

"That's no way to talk to a giant owl with talons that could rip you in half," Sheik said, walking up to them. "Now, I need to teach you a song that can teleport you to here when played."

"How would a song possibly do that?" Phantom asked.

"Don't question the logic," Sheik growled. "Time to learn… Um… Damn, what's the name of the song? Who cares, it's awesome anyway." Sheik played the song, which Link thoroughly enjoyed.

"Can you play it again? It's so awesome!"

"No." Link pouted in a corner. "Get back over here you idiot! This song will transport you to the middle of the barren desert, no matter what age you are. Because I know you're a drooling idiot, I'll repeat that. _No matter what age you are_." Sheik turned to Gohma. "Did he get that?"

"Doubt it, but don't worry, I'll make sure to remind him in the past."

"But you don't come with us to the past," Gate said. "Unlike a certain midget!"

Gohma punched Gate out of the air. "NAVI! Did you hear this conversation?"

"No," Navi openly admitted. "I couldn't care less."

"Go eat some dynamite."

"I'll help her!" Link yelled, taking out a bomb. Sheik decided to leave the hopeless ones to do something more productive, like gamble. Kae Gae wanted to watch this though.

"I'm not going to eat a bomb, especially one 4 times my size," Navi said.

The Turbo Scorpion mentioned by the Gerudo in the previous chapter attacked the group. It was roughly 15 metres tall and could breathe fire. Gate crushed its head with a huge hammer, making it run away.

"Where'd you get that?" Navi asked, greatly confused.

"Internet."

"I think we should go back in time so Link can crawl through that small hole I saw inside," Phantom pointed out.

"Better idea," Link said. "Skip that shit, and send Gate through it right now."

-Inside, 15 minutes later-

"GATE, FOUND ANYTHING?" Link yelled in the hole.

"I found a treasure chest, but someone already took the treasure," Gate said from behind him. Link jumped.

"Woah, how'd you get behind me?!"

"The path led outside, but if we go back in time I can lead you!" Gate exclaimed. "Finally, time to be useful!"

"You chased off that Turbo Scorpion, remember?" Phantom asked.

Gohma put its claw on his shoulder. "Phantom Ganon, time to give you a rundown of the group from before you joined. I was the one who did all the fighting. Navi pointed out all of Link's errors. Link was a retard. Gate's Gate. King Dodongo was… where the hell did King Dodongo go?"

The monarch broke through a wall of the Spirit Temple. "What'd I miss?"

"How long have you been gone?" Gohma asked suspiciously.

"Well, Sheik was trying to tell Link key information. Then I saw a butterfly and chased after it." Gohma stormed up to King Dodongo.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO PAUL?!"

"I… ate… him?" King Dodongo replied unsurely. Gohma then attacked the beast.

"Maybe we should go," Navi said from the sidelines.

"You can," Phantom said. "I'm taking bets!"

"Forty rupees on Gohma!" Gate exclaimed, before dodging a fireball from King Dodongo. Little did he know, King D's fireballs can curve. So it turned around and hit him head on.

After a half hour of fighting, with Gohma discovering that it wasn't Paul but continuing to fight anyway, the idiot and his fairies went to the Temple of Time. Link then went back in time and decided to go to the Spirit Temple… the long way.

"Link, you can't get passed the guards!" Navi tried to get through to him. "They've fenced off their fortress, and have guards at the entrance. There's no way in."

"Relax, I have a plan!" Navi groaned at this. Well, all they really needed was the Master Sword, right?

Link grabbed a Cucco, and climbed onto one of the railings. He jumped and used it to glide over the gate, then ran passed the guards. Navi was speechless at this. "How could that possibly work?!" She followed him in to find that there were no guards in the fortress. "That's just plain weird!"

"It's natural," Link told her. He then backflipped over the gate from the top and entered the desert, crossing the sandpit by holding a bomb and letting the explosion carry him across, then got through the desert by a map he drew. "Ta-da!"

"That make no sense whatsoever! How the hell did such a dumb plan get into your head?!" Navi demanded.

"I read it somewhere."

They entered the desert colossus and Link entered the temple, with Gate telling them he'd meet them on the other side of the hole.

Link and Navi saw a Gerudo kneeling down by the hole Link was planning to go through. "Who are you?" Link asked.

The Gerudo looked at him. "I've never seen you around here before, what do you want?"

"I asked a question first!"

"Good for you kid. Now what are you doing here?"

"I'm exploring the temple," Link said. "Now who are you?!"

"My name is not important," the Gerudo said. "I have a question for you, are you one of Ganondorf's followers?"

"No, I'm trying to kill him," Link openly admitted to a Gerudo. Navi punched him in the side of the head.

"What he means is that he's never heard of Ganondorf before," Navi said, trying to cover it up.

"Shut up light bulb. So you hate Ganon, eh? Well I think you may be able to help me with something…"

"And what is it that I can help you with?" Link asked.

"Inside this hole is the Silver Gauntlets, some gloves that will make you very strong if you wear them," the Gerudo explained.

"How does that work?"

"Don't question the logic. Anyway, I dislike Ganondorf because of how he's going after the Triforce but instead of making us Gerudo the master race and rule the world, he's trying to get a washing machine! We could enslave all races but nooooooo, he wants clean underwear. So with the Silver Gauntlets I can sneak deeper into the temple and get my revenge for his incompetence. I will make sure he pays! So you want to help?"

"Sure!" Link answered enthusiastically. "But what do I get?"

"I tell you my name."

"Sounds like a reasonable exchange." The Gerudo moved out of the way of the hole and Link crawled inside. Navi facepalmed before following. When they got to the first room Link saw that there was some Fire Keese flying around.

"If one of those touches you your shield will be burst off!" Navi warned. One of them charged and Link used his shield to block it, causing it to burst into flame.

"It was a crappy shield anyway." Link killed the Keese continued his trek.


	21. A Child in Spirit

_Published March 15, 2009_

**A Child in Spirit**

"DIE, DIE, DIE!" Link's problem began when he encounter an Armos Statue in the first room. Without his shield he was helpless against the armed stone, and it chased him around the room.

"Use weapons!" Navi reminded. "You have things that _aren't_ your sword!"

"Well they all suck, I need you to help!"

Navi stole Link's shield and smashed the statue to pieces. Link took credit for the victory and went through one of the doors to see a huge chasm with a silver rupees and Fire Keese on the other side. Navi took a single look at him and knew what he was thinking. "You won't make it."

Link jumped… and latched onto Navi. "Fly me to the other side!"

"My legs are coming off, let go you shit!"

"FLY, FLY, DIE!"

"LINK!"

"FLYYYYYYY!"

This didn't turn out too well for anyone, aside from Navi. That means that it didn't turn out well for Link when Navi threw him in the chasm. It wasn't too bad, Link recovered easily using his double jump and spin attack. Wait, that's the wrong game, never mind. He actually plummeted and experienced a rather painful impact.

Their next room was the other door from the Armos Knight room. Link walked through and was greeted by Gate. "Took you long enough. What was that high pitch, glass breaking scream I heard?" the fairy questioned.

"That... was... Navi!" Link stuttered out. "She fell." He was answered with two blank stares. "Well you're a guy fairy!"

A Stalfos interrupted this awkward moment. "I'm not in the mood for your shenanigans Harry Boner!" Gate kicked him into the pit.

"Another random moment?"

Gate paused for a moment. "Sure, why not."

After some progress the trio entered a room with some type of flying mummy hovering opposite of them. "It's an Anubis, it will mimic your movements, but it's weak to fire," Navi reported. "Try to use some kind of fire weapon against it."

Link wasn't listening, he was staring down the Anubis. Link moved to the left, it moved to the left. Link took a step forward, it moved forward. He leaned to the right, it leaned to the right. This could go on for a while.

The Navi-Gate duo picked Link up and threw him over to a far ledge, making the Anubis hover to the ledge opposite of him. "Link, that crystal over there makes fire spout up in front of the door the Anubis is beside," Navi explained. "Stand where you are and don't move, we'll kill it and then tell you that you can move, okay?"

"Can do!" Link exclaimed, slightly dazed from being thrown. Navi smacked the crystal, activating the fire. "AGH!" She turned to see Link standing in front of the door on fire.

"How the hell did that happen?!"

"I thought I saw a rupee…" He was thrown back to the other side and the Anubis was once again in position.

"Watch Link to make sure he doesn't do that again," Navi ordered and Gate nodded. She hit the switch again and turned to see Link aflame. "Gate?"

"The Mango Emperor chased the echidnae to the summer fair," Gate told her.

"Gate, what the hell was that about?"

"I hate to repeat things, you'll have to go by what you heard," Gate snapped. Navi punched the younger male fairy in the head and continued her attempts at killing the Anubis.

It eventually died, courtesy of Barinade! "When did you get here?!" Navi asked, very surprised.

"I FOLLOWED YOU since the part where you hopped the fence," Barinade explained. "King Dodongo and Gohma left once you disappeared, but I decided to wait!" He flailed his tentacles.

"Who are you?" Gate asked. Link and Navi groaned.

"I am the ultimate existence, the one true master of all living things, the king of all kings! I… AM… **BARINADE**!" he roared, stretching his limbs to appear larger.

"And I'm the lord of the jungle, Tarzan," Gate droned. "Let's get going."

Barinade stared at the sheer disrespect and contemplated obliterating the fairy, but Link placed his hand on its shoulder. He shook his head, and the group continued.

"Watch for shadows," Navi warned. "There may be monsters hanging from the ceiling."

"Why didn't you tell us this at the beginning of the temple?" Link asked.

"Because I don't care if you or Gate gets hurt. Barinade here's the only capable one!" Barinade hissed in delight, causing Link to look for a mouth on the monster. His attempts were unsuccessful. A shadow began to form around Link, growing steadily wider. "Link, what did I just say?"

"You don't care if I get hurt?"

"Exactly. So don't take it personally when I allow this to happen."

Link was grabbed by the Wallmaster and pulled into the ceiling, where they didn't see him return from. The shadow reappeared around Gate, and it grabbed him and delivered a similar fate. The Wallmaster latched onto Barinade and attempted to grab the monster too, but that failed horribly. Barinade grabbed the hand. "YOUR NAME IS NOW TIMOTHY. YOU ARE MY FRIEND." The Wallmaster agreed out of extreme fear.

Link and Gate fell to the ground at the entrance. "Well this is inconvenient," Link muttered, not caring that Nabooru was gone. "Let's catch up."

The duo went back to where the Armos Statue had attacked, but Link saw a hole in the wall. "Why didn't we try that earlier?" Link asked, and Gate shrugged. Link crawled through to see a locked door.

"I guess we need a key."

"Nonsense!" Link took out the Master Sword. "My handy lock pick is at the ready!"

Gate eyed the legendary sword. "Shouldn't that have… you know, made you an adult?" Link thought for a moment, a rare occasion, and shrugged before using the sword to open the door.

Barinade, meanwhile, had collected the silver rupees and merely broke open the chest to get a key. "I, BARINADE, have found something shiny!"

Navi took the key. "Let's find the door it opens."

"I, BARINADE, shall lead the way!" He stormed out the door. Navi contemplated suicide but decided against it. Seeing Link die first would be more preferable.

Link climbed up a wall and found himself in a large room. There was a sun icon on the ground and a crystal switch elevated above the ground. "I like this place. When I grow up, I want to live in this room!" Two Lizofols jumped from a high up ledge. He noticed that one had burn marks and the other had scars. "Hey, you're the two from the tavern! Whatcha doing way out here?"

The burned Lizofol pounced at Link and struck with a vertical slash, which Navi, who had burst out of no where, parried with the Kokiri Sword. Barinade soon followed from the hole, breaking things.

"I've been on a non-stop adventure, no time for rest. It's been dull, and Navi's been a bitch…"

Navi dodged a strike from the scarred Lizofol, retaliating with a stab. The burned one intercepted for its friend and they both ganged up on Navi.

"…You two have probably been resting the whole time, with those wounds and all. It must have been nice, aside from the intense pain…"

Barinade assisted Navi, pushing back the scarred Lizofol enough to make the other retreat temporarily, giving them some time.

"I, the great BARINADE, shall stay and fight these two beasts. You three move on ahead so I, BARINADE, can do my job without distractions… I AM BARINADE." Link, Navi, and Gate moved on while Barinade and Timothy stayed behind. "Let us fight!"

-Through the door-

"His sacrifice won't be in vain, let's reach the end of this temple!" Link exclaimed.

"Sacrifice…?" Navi and Gate both stared at Link, with Navi speaking. "He could kill those things six times before they die!"

"I wanted to be dramatic. Can we just go?" Link walked into the massive room that they found themselves in. "Wow!"

"No time to observe, continue the quest!"

"Aw…"

The next room had a Silver Rupee and sun block puzzle, but since that was boring we'll skip it.

Link entered a large throne room with a heavy armoured figure residing on the throne. "Hi!" Link greeted. There was no response.

Barinade attacked the Lizofols with electricity, but his boss strategies weren't working very well. "Maybe I should be less linear," he muttered after getting hit. "Timothy! Help!" The Wallmaster was unsure exactly how to help, being unable to lift them. "Find back up!" It jumped out the hole in the wall, only to die in the sunlight. "Well I didn't think that one through…"

The scarred Lizofol laughed at his misfortune. "YOU DARE LAUGH AT ME, THE GREAT BARINADE?!" It nodded. "Oh. Well… DIE HORRIBLY and PAINFULLY and hopefully in an ACCIDENT in the NEAR FUTURE caused by an intoxicated JELLYFISH which will ATTACK you on a vacation in Lake HYLIA sometime next AUTUMN after you win the LOTTERY through sheer LUCK!"

Link approached what Navi had identified as an Iron Knuckle. "I'm telling you Link, it's a hostile monster! It doesn't want to be your friend and have sleepovers!"

The boy waved off Navi's preposterous theory. "I'm Link, want to be my friend and have a sleepover?" It didn't respond, merely sitting perfectly still. "Must be asleep, let's throw stuff at it!" He threw a Deku Stick which bounced off its helmet, resulting in a grunt but no movement.

"How badly do you think this will end?" Navi asked Gate.

"As badly as a fish playing Banjo Tooie against a coconut."

"I always say I want to kill you all, but I think that if one of you were to leave then I would seriously miss your antics." Gate smiled brightly.

The burned Lizofol dodged one of Barinade's electrical currents and attacked with a swift thrust. Barinade blocked it before attacking with more electrical currents. This was also dodged and countered. The pattern repeated for several minutes before both sides realized that this was going no where.

"Time out!"

The Lizofols huddled while Barinade thought to himself. 'What would Timothy do in this situation…?' He concluded that the Wallmaster would throw one of the Lizofols out the hole in the wall and push the second down an elevator shaft.

Link heaved a large boulder at the Iron Knuckle, knocking it clear off the throne. It roared in anger before rising and slowly walking toward the boy. "There we go! Let's start over. I'm Link!"

It swung its massive axe which Link sidestepped. Link, finally figuring out that this was a battle, took out his sword and stabbed the Iron Knuckle's gut. It was completely unfazed and knocked him back with the butt of its weapon. "Oh come on! That should have hurt!" He jumped, slashing a huge gash through its head. No reaction, just an attack. "WHY WON'T YOU FEEL PAIN?!" The Iron Knuckle swung at Link who hid behind the throne.

"Problems Link?" Navi asked.

"What's this thing's weakness?" Link questioned. "Gate, find its weakness!"

Gate glanced at the approaching beast. "Keep hitting it!"

"Are you retarded? I slashed its head in half!"

The Knuckle smashed the throne to bits and picked Link up by his collar, hurling him into a pillar head first. Link crashed and stood up. "Sucker! You can't brain my damage anymore than it already is!" Some grey fluids leaked out of his ear.

Barinade planned this out perfectly. It was his only chance to win this battle. He blasted some electricity which separated the two Lizofols. He aimed for the burned one and lashed out to grab it. It dodged it and cut his tentacle in half. "Oh. That's bad."

After some extensive surgery the limb had been reattached, so the battle could continue. The two Lizofols began a coordinated attack on Barinade who latched onto the ceiling for some thinking time. "Let's see, they're fast, have access to sharp things-"

A sword flew up through his side.

"…and can throw."

He fell to the ground as the scarred Lizofol cheered in victory… until Barinade landed on it. The burned Lizofol was surprised at first, angry at second, confused at third, joyous at fourth, impartial at fifth, and psychotic at the end.

Barinade got off of the crushed one and picked up its sword. "We duel to the death!" It turns out that he doesn't know how to use a sword, and was losing very badly. He hadn't landed a hit in like 15 minutes of fighting.

The Iron Knuckle broke the pillar Link was hiding behind. "Crap, I'm out of pillars!"

Navi flew up to him. "Fight back! Maybe Gate's right for once!"

"Hey, I've been right before!"

"Shut up. Attack when it has just attacked and is recovering!"

Link decided to take this advice. The Iron Knuckle made a horizontal slash and Link lunged. It made another horizontal slash which knocked him clear out of the air. "YOU SUCK NAVI!"

The Iron Knuckle slowly approached Link, intent to finish him, when Link threw his sword at it. The small blade imbedded itself in its chest, doing nothing. "Now you have no sword!" Navi snapped.

Link searched his pocket to find something, anything, and took out a Deku Stick. "This is all I have left aside from a whole bunch of Bombchus!" Link groaned. The Knuckle swung, Link dodged and lunged with his stick. The Iron Knuckle's armour shattered to pieces.

Navi facepalmed at this. "You have got to be kidding me…"

"_I told you to just hit it_," Gate sang, hovering passed Navi.

With this the Iron Knuckle got faster. It could actually jog now! Link armed himself with his trusty Deku Stick and began his assault on the Iron Knuckle. He smacked it in the shoulder which resulted in a flinch.

"I STABBED YOU IN THE HEAD, AND YOU FLINCH TO **THAT**?!"

"This is getting ridiculous," Barinade growled. "I am BARINADE, how can I not beat this mere thing?" The Lizofol hissed in delight. "You call that a hiss?"

It nodded.

"THIS is a hiss!" Barinade hissed at the Lizofol, and a hissing match began. Soon a new battle had erupted, they were each trying to have the most fearful hiss. Barinade hissed a hiss that went ultrasonic, causing the Lizofol's ears to bleed. "I have won! Beat that bitch!"

The Lizofol, a sore loser, lunged with its sword but Barinade grabbed it by the arm. He lifted the creature and threw it out the hole in the wall. "Why didn't I do that earlier? Whatever, time to see how Link's doing."

Link blocked the massive axe with his godly Deku Stick and deflected the blow. Navi and Gate were betting on how long that stick would last. Navi had three more hits, Gate had forever. Link seemed to be winning now that he had the stick on his side, and the Iron Knuckle was starting to lose.

"Fear the power of my stick!"

He smacked the Iron Knuckle's head with the stick, even with its slightly faster running speed it was still losing. With the amazing stick in his hand Link seemed to become 10x more skillful, the stick was simply a god in flora form. The Iron Knuckle knew that against the stick it stood no chance.

"I am awesome!" Link proclaimed as the Iron Knuckle finally died. He smacked the stick off the wall… resulting in it shattering to slivers.

"So who won?" Navi asked.

"Hmm… Me."

"Ha ha, funny man."

Barinade broke down the door. "Fear not! I, BARINADE, have come to save you all from the threat Link cannot handle!"

"I killed it already."

"Wha- But- You're supposed to- How… Fairy person, does he speak the truth?"

"Yes," Gate said.

"Other fairy person."

"Yes," Gate said once more. Barinade turned to face him, at least that's what they assumed, before Navi answered.

"He killed it with a Deku Stick," Navi responded. "I can't explain it… he just got so much better with that stick!"

Link was currently crying over the remains off his stick. With some encouragement from the ghost of Timothy, Link overcame his sorrows and managed to go through the door that opened with the Knuckle's death.

Barinade approached Timothy's ghost. "So how is it being dead?"

The Wallmaster made a noise that could be translated as: "Meh."

Link found himself outside, and in front of him was a chest. "Looks like we're at the end of the road."

"Yes you are."

Link wished he could grab his sword and attempt to cut his head off, but was frozen by fear. "No… No no no no NO NO NOOOOOOO!"

Kae Gae chuckled at this. "I bet you had hoped that you'd never see me again. Your hopes were misled!"

"Damn you, WHY?!" Link fell to his knees before Kae Gae smacked him.

"Quick being melodramatic. I'm here to tell you that I'm pleased that you learned the benefits of traveling through time. You can do so many- STOP THAT!" He took Link's Kokiri sword to stop him from killing himself.

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"I just did. Now listen, I actually have some good advice today. I was scouting earlier, and-"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Link asked.

"It means that he went ahead and looked," Navi explained.

"What's that prove?"

"He knows more than you."

"Not a difficult accomplishment," Gate interjected.

"Let me talk!" Kae Gae yelled. "There are two witches in this temple. To defeat them, turn their magic back against them!"

The group stared at the owl, who stared back, done. "Can you give us any more info? Like where to find them, their powers…"

"No."

"It does not matter what their weaknesses are. I, BARINADE, can defeat anything!" Barinade exclaimed. "Does one of their weaknesses happen to be electricity?"

"No."

Barinade was now sad. He'll be okay though, we all know it.

The group heard voices coming from below the ledge they were on. Link looked into the Desert Colossus to see Nabooru and two floating people. "Hey it's that Gerudo person whose name we never found out! Let's yell out to her!"

"No."

"You're mean…"

A portal suddenly appeared under Nabooru and began to suck her in. She looked up and saw Link. "Link, get out of here! These witches are using black magic on me!"

"If she hadn't yelled out they probably wouldn't have noticed us," Barinade pointed out when the two witches looked at them.


	22. A Change of Plans

_Published April 11, 2009_

**A Change of Plans**

"Who's that Kotake?" one of the witches asked.

"I'm not sure Koume, they're awfully far away…" Kotake responded. The group was roughly 10 metres away.

"Well put on your glasses, you know that I broke mine last week."

"No one's up here!" Link yelled.

"Oh, okay," Kotake said in acceptance.

"If someone yelled then they're obviously there," Koume said. "So look!"

"I thought that too," Kotake began, "but then they said that there wasn't anyone up there. Do you need a hearing aid sister?"

"We should go," Navi pointed out.

"Should we save that Gerudo person whose name we don't know?" Link asked, taking out his Hookshot and pointing it at the portal in the ground.

"Go ahead." Link shot the hookshot down and into the portal. It latched into something and retracted with blood on the end. "We shouldn't try that anymore…"

Barinade jumped down, ignored the blind witches and reached an appendage into the portal. "I, BARINADE, have something!" He began to pull as hard as he could. "It will not budge!" He tried harder and reeled back with a jet of water launching out. "Never mind, water line."

"You won't get her, so move on," Kae Gae said. "Try to go into the future where you can use the gauntlets in that chest, and explore the rest of the temple. You'll find the witches and probably her."

"That's ridiculous! I'll do this instead." He grabbed Gate, put him in the slingshot, and shot Koume.

"We're under fire!" The witches blasted fire and ice spells randomly, taking off Link's left ear.

"RUN!" Link ran back into the temple and out the entrance, finding himself standing in front of the witches. "RUN!" He ran into the temple and came out where the group was. "I think I lost them."

"I tell you Koume, I see no one," Kotake said. Koume sighed in exasperation and flew on her broomstick into the temple. "Hey, where'd you go?" Kotake flew out into the desert.

"They're gone, so go to the Temple of Time, become an adult again, and come back here," Kae Gae told them. "I'll meet you here."

"How will you know when to be here?" Gate asked.

"I just will. Now shut up and go!" The bird took off into the sky.

"Barinade, by the way," Navi said, "meet us at the Temple of Time in exactly seven years from now. With Link here, we'll need all the help we can get."

"What if Ganondorf offers to help? Will we take his help?"

-Seven Years later-

Link sheathed the Master Sword and turned to see Gohma, King Dodongo, and Phantom. "We have returned, cease your waiting!"

"Your trip was like instant for us, and what happened to your ear?" Gohma asked.

"Misfire, now let's go to the Spirit Temple!" With the Bolero of Fire, they were in front of the Fire Temple. Sheik was sitting on a rock holding a hot dog but looked at them strangely upon arrival.

"What are you doing here?"

"Yeah, what are we doing here?" Phantom questioned.

"Oopsie, my bad," Link began to try to remember the Requiem of Spirit.

"So," Gohma began, "what are you doing with that hot dog?"

"Well, as a human being I require nourishment in order to properly function. By ingesting this food, I will gain nutrients and be able to live longer than I would should I not sustain myself," Sheik explained. "It's a rather basic science."

"Are you sure that's _all_ you're doing with it?"

"What are- Oh grow up."

"I think I have it!" The group was warped a few inches away, to their starting position. "No, wait, same song."

"Let's start to walk," Navi suggested. As the group began to walk toward their destination, Link still trying to play the song, and Gohma looking back at Sheik who gave it the finger while eating the hot dog, nothing of interest happened. I probably should have said that the group walked as those happened for more flow, but screw that.

"Maybe if I wrote these down it would be easier," Link muttered as they passed through the destroyed Gerudo's fortress.

"You did write them down," Navi said.

"Where?"

"On my ass, you weren't paying much attention," King Dodongo grinned. "It was like a prickly massage…" Link puked on Gate instantly.

"That vomit does not have any relation to what he just said," Link stated as Gate punched him in the head repeatedly.

They reached the Desert Colossus, with Link and King Dodongo slightly slower due to him reading. "It's all smudged!"

"I was sweating out of my ass flesh, it's common in Dodongos!"

"Well I have it now! Time to teleport us there!"

Phantom was the first to notice Barinade standing at the temple entrance. "'Go to the entrance exactly seven years' she says! It's been seven years and four months, I, BARINADE, was waiting for so long and eventually came here!"

"Let's do this!" Link played the Bolero of Fire and they were at the Fire Temple entrance again. "Okay, fourth time's the charm!" He was beaten into unconsciousness by the angered group of monsters around him and then dragged back to the sandy structure.

-Elsewhere-

Ganondorf entered the main room of the Spirit Temple to talk to Koume and Kotake. "Why did you request my presence? This had better be important."

Kotake smacked him over the head. "Don't talk to your mothers like that! We'll ground you in a heartbeat."

"Sorry mom," Ganondorf grumbled. "So mom, mother, what did you want to see me for?"

"It's about your room," Koume said. "You haven't cleaned it in eleven years, and I'm pretty sure that there's a family of Bombchus living in there. What did we tell you about pets in the house?"

"Mother, this place is infested with creatures… And I moved out eleven years ago, the room isn't mine anymore!"

"Over my dead body!" Koume snapped. "Now go clean your room, and get rid of those animals that you call your 'friends'!"

"I never called them my friends! Mom, back me up!"

"I agree with your mother," Kotake stated. "Besides, you never gave us your two week notice when you left."

"But- That's- I didn't- Fine…"

-Temple Entrance-

Link put the silver gauntlets on his left arm and right foot, stretching. "Link, what are you doing?"

"I've wanted to do this for a long time, Link said as he approached the large block."

"Link," Navi said, "this is madness!"

"Madness?" Link looked back at her before looking at the block. "THIS… IS… SPARTA!" He kicked the block which slid forward, bounced off the wall, and slid back into him. "It's… not all it's cracked up to be…"

A nearby Beamos Statue laughed merrily at this. It stopped laughing when King Dodongo approached it and then ate it with one bite. "I am winning!" he exclaimed at Gohma.

"I am going to catch up!"

"I AM BARINADE!"

After a brief journey, Link was confronted by a Wolfos. "Hold on a minute!" he yelled and everyone stopped what they were doing. "Why is a wolf in a temple in the desert?"

"Why are there walking skeletons and living blobs?" Gohma asked. "Think before you ask!"

"Well the skeletons and blobs are made sentient by witchcraft, but a wolf in the desert? Seriously, what the hell?!"

Phantom obliterated the wolf. "Now there is no wolf. Is your problem solved?"

"Like a puzzle."

"I'm bad at puzzles," King Dodongo muttered. Link opened a chest that was in the same room and found a compass, but was unsure of what to do with it.

"From what I can tell, a compass points north," Link said. "So that means that we know which way north is!"

"And that helps us how?"

"Well Navi, if we know what way north is then we know what way south is. All that remains is to finding out what way east and west are. Then we know what way the directions are!"

"But what about things like southwest, and northeast?" Gate asked.

"Using the process of elimination, we will able to estimate what way those are. Finding out for certain will take too much time, we'll have to assume for now."

"But if we assume incorrectly, then we may end up lost," King Dodongo pondered. "If we can be 51 percent sure then that means we'll have a good enough guess to know that we're right."

Navi groaned. "When this is all over I'm going to kill myself."

-Shortly afterwards-

"Link, you can't make the run!"

"There is a way, I know it but I can't remember!" Link said as he ran and jumped in an attempt to get the Silver Rupee in the air. He obviously fell before reaching it. There's a way, but I can't think of how to do it at the moment!"

"You need some sort of shoes that will let you walk farther before falling," King Dodongo said.

"That would make it a lot easier," Link said, "but there is a way!"

"No there isn't," Gohma said.

"I don't like this temple! Let's do a different one. Let's go visit Darunia."

"Wait, you want us to give up in the middle of a temple and go do another one?" Phantom asked.

"Yeah."

"That's retarded."

-Death Mountain-

Link walked up the trail on Death Mountain. King Dodongo took a large breath. "It's good to be back!" he said. "I'm already beginning to smell the alcohol."

Phantom looked around, observing the surroundings. "Really? I thought that was paprika," the ghost muttered.

"I still can't believe that we just gave up on the Spirit Temple and are going to the Fire Temple," Gohma said in disbelief. "What is stranger is that no one else is complaining!"

"Enough talk people, I wanna meet with Darunia," Link said before walking forward. Gohma tripped him.

Link stood up, brushing himself off. It didn't help, as he hadn't cleaned his clothes since the Temple of Time. Link began to walk forward, but Phantom, Barinade, Gohma, King Dodongo, and Navi all zoomed passed him, going to take a break in the Tavern. Link sighed, following them, but the second he got close, he heard a scream which blew him back.

When Link came to, he saw something that was very confusing. King Dodongo was in the fetal position, Gohma was trying to make him get up, Barinade was yelling who he was, and Phantom was just plain nowhere.

"What happened?" Link asked, rubbing his head.

"We walked in, King Dodongo screamed which knocked you out and made you wet yourself, and he practically passed out," Gohma said. "The Tavern was completely different. In the time he was gone, they lost a lot of money and had to sell the bar to a bunch of Gibdos."

"A bunch of what?" Link asked, tilting his head.

"You don't wanna know," Barinade said. "They send shivers up my spine…"

"What spine?"

"FIGURE OF SPEECH!" Barinade yelled, getting mad at Link.

"We don't have time for this, we-" He suddenly got a blank look on his face as the wet spot grew. "-have to find Darunia," he said heroically.

"That's what Phantom's doing," the arachnid said, backing up.

Phantom floated down in front of them. "How many Gorons were in the city seven years ago?" he asked.

"Twelve," Link said.

"Now there's one, and he keeps calling me Ganondorf's servant and rolling away," Phantom said.

"I wonder why, you don't look like any of them," Link said and Phantom stared at him for moment before walking away on his horse.

"Tell me that you said that one on purpose," Navi pleaded.

"No one's that stupid… Well, I better go see what's happening," Link said.

"I'll come, otherwise you'll mess everything up," Gohma said.

Link and Gohma entered the city, to see a tiny Goron rolling around. Link stepped in front of it, and it turned around, rolling the other way. Gohma looked at Link who nodded. Gohma ran up to the roof and body slammed the Goron head on. It was out cold for thirteen hours.

When the Goron woke up, he rolled into a ball, but Gohma growled threateningly. "You're Ganondorf's servants, aren't you?" the Goron asked.

"No."

"Hear my name and tremble! I am Link, hero of the Gorons!"

"Cool, my name's Link too! Maybe we're related," Link said.

"You're different species!" Gohma said loudly.

"He's Goron, I'm Kokiri, so what?" Link said. Gohma had given up correcting him on what race he was.

The Goron uncurled. "What? Your name's Link too?" he asked. "You must be the Dodongo helper, Link! My dad's Darunia, he named me after you!"

"There's female Gorons?" Link asked, looking around.

"There's no Gorons here except him," Gohma said dully.

"While my dad was away, Ganondorf's servants came and took all the other Gorons. Except the shopkeeper who fended them off with a chainsaw, and Medigoron, who killed some of them with a punch. I hid in the attic. But all the others were taken, and will be fed to a dragon!" He started crying, though it sounded more like someone farting into a megaphone.

"You better calm him down," Gohma said. "Maybe you should ask a question about what happened."

"Wouldn't the memories make him cry harder?" Gohma glared at him. "What about this dragon you speak of?" Link asked.

"A long time ago, there was an evil dragon named Volvagia," Goron Link said. "He was scary, he ate Gorons! Then one day, the Hero of the Gorons came with a freaking big hammer, and POW! Volvagia was beaten. Well, more like POW POW POW OW! Damn dragons… POW POW POW POW! But Ganondorf revived Volvagia, and is going to feed all the Gorons to him in the fire temple as a warning to all who oppose him. Now to start crying again."

Link woke up from his spot on the ground. "Huh? Wuh? Um, tell me about the Gorons…"

"Well, Ganondorf came while my dad was away and put a rock in the middle of a net. The stupid ones walked right into the obvious trap, so Ganondorf sent some Stalfos to get the other ones. That's when the shopkeeper invented the chainsaw, and everyone lived happily ever after," Goron Link said, and the room was silent. A tumble-weed rolled by.

"Then why aren't any of them here?" Phantom asked.

"They got kidnapped and are going to be fed to Volvagia."

More silence.

"So are there any female Gorons?" Link asked.

"No, we spawn from slime filled mounds deep under the earth. The parent has to vomit their egg sack into it, and how ever many Gorons survive come out! I could show you if you want!" Link offered.

"No, that's all right," Link declined.

"Suit yourself. But please save the others! If you do, I'll give you a heat resistant tunic that will let you go into the volcano without fear of the heat killing you!" Link begged.

"What's in it for me?" Link asked.

"You get the heat resistant tunic," Link stated.

"Tempting, tempting… Sure, why not!" Link accepted. They brought their hands up to shake but suddenly a huge stone chandelier crushed Link of the Gorons. Link of the Hylians slowly retracted his hand.

"My bad," Gohma reported from the roof. "I smelled something up here."

The trio exited the Goron city with Link in red clothing. "I wonder how they got my size exact," he wondered.

Phantom explained with "Witchcraft."


	23. Insolent Shenanigans

_Published May 25, 2009_

Turns out that this thing was done last week, but I forgot to upload it.

**Insolent Shenanigans**

"Okay," King Dodongo started, "we're going to have to pool our savings in order to do this." Around him were three other Dodongos.

"I have 28 rupees!"

"I have 14 871 rupees!"

"I'm in debt 14 871 rupees."

"Oh, here you go!"

"Thank you!" That Dodongo ran off.

"And we won't be seeing him again. Okay, you two, with those 28 rupees we have 37 rupees. How much did the Gibdos buy the tavern for?" King Dodongo asked.

"Eleven million, give or take a few," the formerly rich Dodongo said.

"WHAT?! Where did that all go?!"

"Well, first we divided that forty eight ways, to give each employee a fair share. Then there were bills, swimming pools made of diamonds, a few strippers…"

"I bought a pineapple farm!" the other Dodongo declared proudly. "I owned the business _Captain Ish-va's Pineapple Emporeum_!"

"Well did that make any money?" King Dodongo asked.

"I blew it all on vitamin C tablets and sold it to some Gibdos for 28 rupees."

"Ah." King Dodongo turned back to the first Dodongo. "And you spent 229 166 rupees on-"

"Bills, swimming pools and strippers," the Dodongo said with happiness in his voice.

"Yes. That. Okay, we have a few choices. We can sell lemonade, sell chocolates door to door, or save the Gorons and pressure them into rewarding us," King Dodongo explained. "Personally, I make godly lemonade, but unless we charge it ten thousand rupees a glass then that will go no where. Now I'm all for doing that, but I don't think anyone will buy it."

"I would!"

"We're selling it, so buying our own product won't make money."

"Well excuse me for not going to some fancy business school!"

"King Dodongo!" Gate yelled from farther up the mountain. "We're heading up to the crater to enter the Fire Temple, you coming?"

"Just give me a minute! Okay, we'll go with the lemonade plan for now, once I finish rescuing the Gorons I'll be back. In the meantime you two make lemonade. When I come back, there better be a shitload of lemonade…" he ended menacingly before walking off.

"What do we do?" the pineapple farmer Dodongo asked.

"Pray for life…"

-In another world-

"Oi, there's some lizards praying to survive," Farore said to the other two goddesses.

"Fuck 'em I say!" Din slurred before picking up a lightning bolt and throwing it down.

"Congrats, you killed the Ikana royalty," Farore congratulated sarcastically.

"I often wonder why I signed up for this," Nayru muttered under her breath.

-Death Mountain Crater-

"It's not that hot in here," Link commented.

"I agree," King Dodongo announced.

"You two are wearing the Goron tunic and a scaly skin," Gohma groaned, sweating heavily.

"You only have yourself to blame for not getting your own custom made. Let's go guys!" he said, and Gohma stepped on him. Link got up and used the hookshot to hookshot himself onto a bridge. King Dodongo leapt over, Navi floated and Gate said another random thing.

"So I herd you liek mudkipz," Gate exclaimed.

Link got up and coughed out some rock, having been crushed by King Dodongo. "Whatever," he said before Phantom's horse landed on him after the jump. Link twitched a few times on the ground.

Sheik jumped down from the air on the bridge, and saw Link twitching and everyone else watching him. "What happened here?" he asked. "You know what? I don't think I want to know. I'm just here to teach you the new song. But you made me forget my little speech, so I'll have to just teach it to you now."

Shiek took out his harp and played a fast tune. Link blinked a few times. Sheik sighed, before playing slower. Link took out his Ocarina, but played the song wrong. Sheik played it one last slow time, and Link played it worse then ever. Sheik was ready to murder him with a scythe he hid in his boot, when Navi stole the Ocarina and played it right. They did a little duet, and Sheik finally put his harp away. "The Bolero of Fire! My favourite song in this adventure!"

"Great, now can I get to the temple?" Link asked. Phantom made his horse run Link over. Sheik threw a Deku Nut again and left, happy that he didn't have to scream at them for once. All of them walked to the Fire Temple entrance and Link was about to jump down the hole, when he remembered an event in the forest as his adventure started. Link grabbed the ladder and began to go down, when it broke and he fell, hearing a crack as he hit the ground... and it wasn't his legs.

Gohma crawled down the hole and looked at Link, who had landed in a rather painful way. Phantom left his horse out there and floated down the hole and hovered above Link. When he sat up, Link smacked his head of Phantom's foot, causing him to fall back down. Barinade crawled down the wall like Gohma had, with the two fairies hovering down after him. They all looked up when they heard a crack, and yelled when King Dodongo fell through the hole that was now much larger.

After a painful way of organising each other, with King Dodongo at the back, they entered the Fire Temple. Two Fire Keese charged at them, and King Dodongo blasted the two with fire.

"Taken care of!" he said, but sniffed the air. "What's that charred flesh smell?"

"You kind of set yourself aflame," Navi explained.

"How?"

"Your fire hit the mudkipz who shit all over the place. The goddesses didn't like this and suddenly your ass caught fire!" Gate interjected.

"So what's the real story?"

"That actually was the real story."

"Oh… Hey does this mean that if I fart it'll be like a flamethrower?"

"So I, BARINADE, am interested in these 'mudkipz' that you speak of," Barinade said to Gate.

Link tried to open a door, to find it locked. He took out the Master Sword and tried to pick the lock, and heard a crack. He smirked and tried to open it, but it was still locked. Slowly, he looked at the Master Sword, then at Navi. "What is it?" the fairy asked suspiciously.

"Nothing," Link said quickly, putting the sword in the sheath out of view. "Let's try another door," he said, pointing at the unlocked door. Navi looked at him suspiciously, but went and opened the door anyway. They all somehow managed to fit through the door, but not break it. Inside was Darunia.

"Link, is that you?" Darunia said.

"And what are we, some kind of generic potato mush?" Phantom asked, receiving looks from the people around him.

The Goron leader ignored him. "You look so big now! I'd love to have a man to man talk, but now isn't the time."

"I wanted to have a talk..." Link muttered.

"I don't really care, there are more important things to deal with right now. Like why you sold the bar to those Gibdos?! We have to negotiate a complete new deal! Anyway, Ganondorf resurrected Volvagia and is going to feed my people to him!" Darunia said. "If we don't hurry-"

"I've heard this before," Gohma interrupted. "Link told us, and someone might want to check on his physical health sometime soon."

Darunia was silent. "Save the Gorons!" he exclaimed before going through the boss door.

"Well this sucks," Link said. "He gets to kick boss ass while we're stuck on rescue mission!"

They heard a furious roar, a high pitch scream from in the door and then silence. Everyone looked at each other. Then they looked at the door. Barinade broke the silence. "I think there's a Goron in that cell over there," he said, pointing at a barred door.

"That's just a rock," Link said. Barinade sighed and blasted the door apart.

The Goron looked up from the rock position. Link said something about creating life when the Goron spoke. "Are you releasing me? Am I free to go? I'll tell you a secret for saving me. In order to get to the door where big brother Darunia went, you need to do something about that pillar stuck in the ceiling."

Everyone blinked. "What?" they all asked.

"You heard me," the Goron said before attempting to jump but ending up in the lava and dying.

Phantom grabbed the key from a chest in the cell, wondering why the Goron didn't unlock himself, and they went to the last room and unlocked the door.

There was a broken bridge over lava. "We'll need to jump," Navi said.

"My steed will do it for me!" Link said heroically.

"Get off of me, or I will _destroy_ you," King Dodongo said slowly and Link jumped off, but ended up falling near the lava.

His hat was falling toward the lava, and everything seemed to go slow motion. Link whipped out his bow and shot the hat, saving it from a fiery fate as it pinned to a rock. "TAKE THAT!" he yelled at the… lava? With his hookshit he retrieved the hat and ran to the door at the end.

"It's locked," Navi stated.

"None of us could have figured that out." Link looked around for anything that could unlock the door. He got an idea and put the Master Sword in the keyhole. There was another snap. "Okay, let's find a key."

Gohma opened the now unlocked door. "Why? That unlocked it." Everyone shrugged and walked through, leaving only Link and Gohma who spit out the lock. "You owe me big time."

"Anything you want, once I become king," Link told Gohma.

"King? King of what?"

"You heard nothing!" Link hissed. Gohma slowly turned to stare at him, never lifting its gaze. "I'm sorry my omnipotence..."

After going through a few rooms the heros found themselves in a boulder maze. Many boulders were rolling around. Gate used his fairy abilities to grab one of the boulders. "Hurry passed it, I can-" King Dodongo blasted the boulder with a large ball of fire, burning Gate. "You shot me."

"You attracted my fire!"

"A boulder's crushing me, and I, Barinade, feel pain!"

"Guys, no need to argue!"

"Navi, this is the perfect time to argue! Barinade, you stole my peanut butter hotdog last Tuesday!"

"Shut up Link."

"I'll just float over here for a bit."

"Shouldn't we help Barinade?"

"Yes, you should help BARINADE!"

"As the only sane one, I feel the need to question who the voice before Barinade's came from?" Gohma questioned. They all stopped what they were doing to find no one else there. In fear they all huddled in a corner, holding each other tightly. This lasted for a few hours.

"Gohma?" Link whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared..."

"We all are Link, we all are."

"I WANNA GO HOME!" cried King Dodongo. Suddenly, Sheik dropped from somewhere above their position and smacked everyone with one arm movement.

"Stop moping around already! This is a serious journey to save the entire planet, and you're all huddling in a corner! If this isn't done, Ganondorf will spread his control until the entire globe is groveling under his hand. You're the world's only hope, so act like a hero for once and try to be courageous!" Sheik yelled, drawing everyone's attention. They had been given a lot to think about… but there was a more pressing matter.

"B-but Sheik, there's a voice!" Link stuttered.

Sheik's expression grew horrified. "A-are you serious?! Can I join you guys?"

"Yeah."

"Well too bad, you're all a bunch of half-wit retards! For the love of Nayru, I can't believe that-"

"I've never heard anyone say it like that be-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP LINK, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR INSOLENT SHENANIGANS! EITHER GROW SOME BALLS, OR I'LL TEAR GATE'S OFF AND GIVE THEM TO YOU!"

"Time to get going guys!" Gate suddenly said, hovering to Sheik's side of the hallway. "Up everyone, go, go, go!"

Link was pushed through a door into a room with walls of fire. "What do you want me to do?"

"Navigate the maze," Sheik explained. "Chop-chop!"

"Hmm?" Navi and Gate acted as if they had been called.

Link approached the gap between two pillars when a wall of flames erupted in front of him, burning him. "Why didn't you stop walking when the fire came up?" Phantom asked from on top of a pillar.

"Slow reaction time," Link said. "Hey, why can't I walk through the fire? It'll hurt like hell, but it'll get it done."

"You go do that," Navi suggested. "In the meantime, we'll be in that door to your right."

Through said door was a caged Goron. "Oh, you've gotten this far into the temple?" the Goron said to itself. "So then you've saved everyone up to here!"

The monsters and Navi all glanced at each other. "Have we saved any at all?" Phantom whispered.

"That first one, but he died," Barinade said loudly.

"What?"

"Quiet Goron, I AM BARINADE, FEAR MY POWER!"

Link and Gate were still in the fire maze, which was going terribly. Link got lost pretty fast, and soon found himself between an approaching boulder and a wall of flames. "HOW DID I GET INTO THIS?!"

Gohma freed their first surviving Goron, who ran off. "Does he know where he's going?" the arachnid asked.

"I really doubt it," Navi responded. After passing through the next part of the fire maze (with a quick stop to watch Link's struggles), there was another door.

"Can I fit in there?" King Dodongo wondered, as the wall was a bit difficult to break.

"I, BARINADE, am too big as well." Barinade collapsed his skeletal structure and sort of slimed through the door. "The problem has been solved."

Only Phantom Ganon, Barinade, and Navi could fit into the room. "I stole the map a while back, this place loops," Navi said. "We'll meet you back in that room. Make sure that the Master Sword isn't broken!"

"STUPID SWORD!" was screamed from a distance.

"Please hurry…"

Once the door closed it locked, and a being of fire leapt from the inferno in the middle of the room. It began to spin around and throw flames. Barinade clothes-lined it as it ran passed, and the fire dispersed to reveal a tiny little ball with legs. "Aw, it's so cuuuuuuuuuuuute!" he exclaimed, tickling it under the chin. "Can I keep it?" Phantom and Navi were both rather shocked by this completely out of character moment.

The ball didn't like being called cute and ran away. "Leave this to me," Phantom said. He created a ball of lightning and threw it at the Flare Dancer's ball, which managed to hit it back. They quickly began their game of tennis, with the Flare Dancer winning the round.

"You're bad at that."

"Silence, fairy."

"My turn to kill this puny wimp!" Barinade announced before blasting it with electricity. He missed as the Flare Dancer ran around and eventually got tired, collapsing.

"What do you know, a little ball is winning," Navi muttered.

The Flare Dancer continued to evade them for the next half hour. After a while Link and Gate arrived to see Phantom, Barinade, and Navi all failing to kill the thing. As it ran by the Hero of Time kicked it like a football, killing the mini-boss. "You guys suck at this."


	24. A Second Dragon

_Published June 20, 2009_

**A Second Dragon**

"None of us thought of that, did we?" Phantom asked, though they all knew the answer in the deepest, darkest corners of their hearts, the place where they contained their most prized secrets and most twisted ambitions, the spot in their soul that the evil which can consume all traces of good hides while waiting for the inevitable snap to release all inhibitions and engulf the world in a torrent of hatred! You know, the area resembling San Francisco.

"It was a simple concept, really," Link stated as he leaned on the middle platform. "It's small, round, and kickable." He hopped up on the dais where the Flare Dancer used to be, resulting in it rising up to the hole in the ceiling.

"Did he get magically smarter?" Navi asked, very suspicious.

"He asked Sheik for advice," Gate explained. "Turns out that guy surveyed the temple and knows where everything is and has solved all the puzzles. It was explained to Link, but I think that he just got to stand on top of the platform then wait for magic to happen." They followed up the lift, abandoning King Dodongo for now.

Up top was a fire puzzle with another switch. "I have an idea," analyzed Phantom Ganon. "Go up top and stand at the edge. Quickly drop an explosive onto the switch and quickly climb the fire before it restarts." Link walked through the fire and climbed. "Or you could just go through the fire since it isn't solid…"

The next room was very large. It was for the most part a circular pit with a thin path around it, very easy to fall down. At the end of the path was a flaming chest, and close to them was a switch. "Here, you have to deactivate the fire and then quickly run to the chest before-"

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade smashed the flaming chest to pieces and brandished the powerful Megaton Hammer.

"Or Barinade could just grab it." He decided that whenever a puzzle was in their way, have a boss resolve things in a half second.

"I, BARINADE, can now smash things to pieces with this hammer! Fear my ferocity!"

"Didn't you have machetes before?" Link asked. "What happened to those things?"

"I was forced to sell them to afford my cootie shot," Barinade mumbled. "It became a huge epidemic recently!"

After this, Barinade greatly enjoyed smashing whatever stood in their way to pieces. It could be statues, barred doors, Jinjos, you name it and Barinade broke it. They returned to the fire maze room but this time from the roof. No one seemed to notice that King Dodongo was still gone…

Sheik appeared beside them ninja style. "I see that you now possess the ultimate weapon of the Gorons. Since Barinade has it, I'm going to stay over here for now. I came to tell you that Ganondorf heard you were here, pretty hard not to, and has prepared to ambush you the moment that you go out of the entrance to the crater. You may want to find an alternate route."

"To hell with that, I want a bloodbath!" Gohma snarled. "I'll be back in about twenty minutes, slaughtering time!" It ran out of the door. "By the way Sheik, we missed like all the Gorons. You feel like freeing them?"

Sheik ignored that part. "Should we help?"

"Better idea not to. Gohma's been willing to eat me for a long time, and I'd like to finally get HOW THAT WORKS, but I like living."

"So you'd mind if I were to stab your throat?"

"Yes I would."

"Bah. One of these days…"

The group now consisted of Link, Navi, Gate, Barinade, and Sheik. With the Megaton Hammer the statue at the entrance to the temple could be destroyed and a door could be revealed. Inside that door was a room covered in tiles with a Like Like on the other side.

"Barinade, zap it."

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade blew the Like Like to pieces and laughed at the pitiful creature. "That thing could not stand up to the might of the great, amazing, charming, powerful, sexy, massive being that is BARINADE!" A tile floated up from the ground and smashed into his forehead. "SON OF A…" Another tile flew up and took Navi out, and then another aimed for Sheik.

Soon all the tiles in the room attacked the heroes. Sheik dodged them all and made a mad dash for the exit, making it through with little trouble. Barinade stormed to the same door, ignoring the stone being hurled at him.

Link hid behind his shield. "You have to move, you can't hide forever!" Navi warned.

"I can, I am, and I will!"

The tile Link was on rose into the air, spinning rapidly. Link latched on and pulled the tile up at one side to block the incoming projectiles, and then attempted to steer it toward the door. The tile of course fought back, bucking in a valiant effort to throw Link from its back. But Link held on with all his strength, digging his fingertips into the cold stone that the being was made of. The tile of course struggled, jerking from side to side in its attempts for victory. Unfortunately for it Link prevailed, forcing the tile to go into his direction. Once it reached the door he leapt off and slammed the door behind him.

Don't think that was put funnily enough? The Hero of Time was battling a sentient tile.

The troubles weren't over yet. A Flare Dancer rose from its pedestal, intent on avenging its third cousin twice removed. Barinade tackled the Flare Dancer to the ground and struck the ball with the Megaton Hammer. "The precious kills all!" he hissed as the ball twitched on the ground.

"Maybe we could question it," Link suggested.

"I doesn't speak English," Sheik reminded him. "It can't understand us or answer us."

"Trust me on this." He picked it up by the leg. "What is Ganondorf's plan?" It wobbled a bit. "I see… How does he plan to achieve this?" The other leg twitched. "That's a pretty efficient method! Are there any major flaws in this plan?" The leg snapped in half, resulting in it falling to the ground. "Wow." He turned to the others.

"Well?" Sheik didn't sound very enthusiastic.

"It wasn't co-operative and kept referring to me as 'Harold the Omnipotent'." He raised an eyebrow. "Where's Gate?"

-Ganondorf's Castle-

The aforementioned fairy found himself in a cage with the king of evil stationed in front of him. "How the hell did you capture me?" he asked in bewilderment.

"I'm very efficient at getting what I want," Ganondorf sneered. "Now tell me what I want to know and no harm will come to you, do we have an agreement?"

"As much as Jack and Jill did when they went up the fruit volcano!" Gate rambled, nodding his head incessantly.

Ganondorf blinked a few times before looking at Koume and Kotake for help. "Don't ask us, that's the most nonsensical bullshit I've ever heard!" Koume told him. "And trust me, I have heard a _lot_."

He sighed and returned his gaze to the fairy. "I'm going to accept that as a yes for now. First of all, tell me if you think they will be able to awaken all the sages based on their current strength."

"Who needs strength when you got Gohma? Right before you kidnapped me she was slaughtering your big ambush army, judging by the screams it was pretty gruesome."

"How many were in that army?" Ganon asked Koume.

"About six thousand," she answered.

"I'll have to get rid of that Gohma first…" A shiver went up his spine when those words left his mouth. "I got a strange feeling just now. Is this what fear feels like?"

-Fire Temple-

Link twirled the boss key around his finger. "Okay, let's go help Darunia! Then we can have that man to man talk he mentioned."

Sheik's eye twitched. "If that was what was driving you this whole time then I swear to the master of all that is evil, I will…" Sheik went off into a long, disgusting threat that was considered too scary to be wrote… but it will be written anyway. "…nail you the ceiling by your feet and shove white hot swords up your anus, pull them out through your mouth, and then make you lick the remains of your crap off them. And then I'll castrate you."

Navi quickly flew between them. "Hey, listen! We still need this guy to fight off Ganondorf! Save the castration until after that's done."

"But it's not necessary to have…"

"He'll die of blood loss!"

"Spoilsport." Sheik disappeared in a flash to check on Gohma.

"Just the three of us," Navi muttered. "Let's take this Volvagia down a notch!"

"To put that in less kiddy terms, let's tear 'im apart and vomit down his eye socket!" Barinade snarled.

"That's a bit over the top."

"No, you're just under the top."

Upon returning to the boss door some last minute preparations were made. Link secured his hat. Barinade polished his hammer. Navi adjusted her sombrero. Gohma finished eating the Redead that was just slaughtered. Bongo Bongo reached for his freshly dropped hacksaw. Sheik ate an apple. It was time to end this part of the adventure.

The door opened just as King Dodongo was thrown into it from the other side. Link and Navi dropped to avoid him but Barinade was taken out by this.

Volvagia hissed in delight as he saw this. "That's what happens when you say that my casseroles suck ass!"

"Made… me gag," groaned King Dodongo as he rolled off of the unconscious Barinade. "Those things are the reason I never came to the dragon class of '78 reunions!"

"You never came because you were insecure about your career and you know it!"

"Go cook your casseroles of deer testicles and ox piss."

"HEY! The deer testicles make it so spicy!"

"Before this goes _any _further," Link interrupted, "someone tell me where Darunia went."

"That fool? He barely even scratched me!" Volvagia hissed, sticking out his arm. "See? It can't even be classified as a scratch.

**Volvagia  
**_Subterranean Lava Dragon  
_Species: Subterranean Lava Dragon  
Hobbies: Cooking various delicacies  
Likes: Mario Party 3  
Dislikes: King Dodongo

Link grabbed the Megaton Hammer, dragging it into the arena. "Barinade's down, looks like it's up to me!"

"You better finish this fast," Navi warned. "If he wakes up and sees you holding that hammer he'll kick your ass."

Volvagia roared and dove into one of the many pits of lava scattered across the protrusion they were fighting on. He waited a moment then burst from the hole behind Link. Volvagia waited a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darker cave only to see Link slowly covering the gap between them with the hammer.

The gap is about two metres by the way.

As Link tried to raise the hammer to strike with, Volvagia knocked him down with a swipe. "This is all that the hero of time can do? I really overestimated you."

"If you expected him to do anything at all then it was an overestimation," Navi said. "Kingy, do something helpful!"

"Fine, fine." King Dodongo lunged at Volvagia, but Volvagia submerged himself again. "That's it, you're going down!"

Volvagia burst from the ground and coiled around King Dodongo, grabbing him by the throat with a claw. "Is that so?"

Meanwhile, Link was trying to get over to Volvagia with the hammer but this wasn't really working. "Screw this!" He took out his bow and fired an arrow into Volvagia's jaw.

"GAH! ARROWS, ONE OF MY TWO WEAKNESSES!" He uncurled and leaped into one of the lava pools for safety.

"He'll be back. He dropped his Gohma."

"No, idiot, I just came in. He didn't drop me."

"Or so you say…" Volvagia went airborne and began to breathe fire. Link fired another arrow into his head to hurt the dragon. "He's weak against the hammer and my arrows. Once we learned that it became pretty easy."

"I AM NOT EASY!" Volvagia flew into the air. "I'll show you the true meaning of painful actions!" He shot another stream of fire.

"NO!" Barinade body slammed Volvagia, wrapping a tentacle around his throat. "I, BARINADE, won't let you shoot fire in the vicinity of the precious!"

"Is it weird that he's talking about 'the precious' while we're in a volcano?" Navi asked Gohma. Gohma shrugged in response.

Barinade reached over to the hammer but was disrupted via a blast of fire engulfing his tentacle. This barely phased him, so Barinade was able to easily grab the hammer and smack Volvagia over the head. "Bad dragon!"

Volvagia hissed and coiled around Barinade, tightening and hitting his main body with fire. Barinade, having more appendages to wrap around Volvagia, grabbed the dragon and smashed him over the head with the Megaton Hammer. This was quite effective as Volvagia could barely see straight.

Link saw an opportunity and went to shoot an arrow at Volvagia's face. There were no arrows left however, so he drew the Master Sword and charged. Volvagia noticed and attempted to shoot fire at him. However, he couldn't even tell what he was supposed to be shooting at due to the blunt force trauma to his head and ended up setting himself on fire.

"This is pretty amusing," Gohma said. "For once I don't have to do anything!"

Volvagia managed to slip out of Barinade's grip and wrapped himself around the three tentacles. He then used Barinade as a weapon, swinging the aquatic thing at Link. Link grabbed a rock shaped exactly like an arrow and hit the dragon directly between the eyes.

"Once the Gorons are in my stomach you'll be next…"

"All the Gorons are gone," Link pointed out. "They were released."

Volvagia threw Barinade and flew over to him. "What?! Did you take my meal away?!"

"No, Ganondorf did," Navi interjected. "He planned to use you to stall us and then get rid of all of us by blowing up the volcano."

"Navi, what are you talking about?" King Dodongo was swiftly silenced by Gohma.

"I get it," Link muttered. "Navi plans to lie to him in order to try to convert this asshole to our side!" Luckily he was knocked unconscious about halfway through this sentence.

"Is Ganon honestly smart enough to do that?" Volvagia hissed.

"He managed to take over the country," Gohma said. "He's got to be smart to do that!"

-Ganondorf's castle-

Ganondorf stood in front of an unveiled chalkboard, throwing his freshly used chalk to the side and facing his audience. "By redirecting the brain waves produced by the fairy using a blunt impact, I can partially incapacitate him and at the same time leave him self aware enough to hold standard knowledge and be more willing to reveal this information to us with a simple question," Ganondorf explained, showing his fairly decent diagram to Koume and Kotake.

"So basically you hit him over the head until he spills," Koume summarized.

"Pretty much. Who wants a turn at whack-the-fairy?"

-Fire Temple-

"Of course he is. Seriously, give me one good reason that I should trust you…"

"I cannot lie," Navi said. "Fairies are incapable."

"Then how old are you?"

"I'm not telling!"

"Touché… For now I will believe you, we will discuss this later," Volvagia hissed. A portal formed and began to warp the heroes to where the Sage of Fire would be.

"I'm guessing that that whole 'can't lie' thing was bullshit," Gohma whispered to Navi.

"Yup, I can't believe he actually bought it! It seems like some kind of plot point that's there purely for convenience but in the end-" They were warped.


	25. Up the River Again

I just realized that there were about 7 chapters between the Phantom Ganon and Volvagia battles! The story is also 133 pages on MS Word, and part 1 (kid Link) only goes up to 51. All the others were adult Link, and I've only done 2 and a half temples. Time to pick up the pace a bit...

* * *

_Published July 23, 2009_

**Up the River Again**

This time, no freakish monstrosity was created when the group was warped all at once. They found themselves located in the Chamber of the Sages, and this time a different sage was standing before them. "Medigoron?" Navi questioned. "_You're _the Sage of Fire?"

"No, what's a Sage? Why am I here? Who are you people?" Darunia pushed him into the dark abyss surrounding the pedestal.

"Please ignore him brother. It turns out that I, the great Darunia, am the Sage of Fire! It's quite a discovery, and I intend to assist you in any way that I can."

"Darunia!" Link greeted, intending to give the man a hug but soon remembering what it would be like to be hugged by a Goron. "I'm interested in having that man to man talk that you mentioned earlier."

Darunia's expression brightened considerably. "No better time than the present! So have you met any girls lately?" Link nodded, smiling. "Puked your egg sack into any of their digestively expelled mounds of stomach substance?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Link vomited onto the floor beside him.

"Link, there are other people present here! Do that while you're alone."

"I no longer want the man to man talk," Link groaned.

"You aren't as manly as I thought you were," Darunia said, shaking his head in disapproval. The Goron leader saw Barinade out of the corner of his eye. "You're my new brother now!"

"Me? BARINADE? Sure."

"Well, I shall finish my duty and give you this: This medallion contains the power of the fire spirits, and my friendship," Darunia pulled out a red disk and tossed it to Barinade.

"So if I were to crack this open it would give me your friendship? And then I could twist and distort it so you obey my every will? Excellent…" Barinade laughed maniacally.

"I don't think that's how it works," Navi said.

"No, he's right," Darunia said. "It's really hard though, hard as a rock!"

"Oh, right, speaking of rocks," Gohma began, "you should probably check on your son. Let's go guys." The group left before Darunia could question them further.

When they reached the midpoint of Death Mountain, King Dodongo split off to go check up on his workers. The others continued back to the Goron city where they would meet up with Volvagia.

King Dodongo frowned when he saw that the duo was still working on lemonade, and so far barely had any. "What the hell is wrong with you? All I wanted was lemonade made before I got back!" he snarled.

"It's harder than it looks!" one of the Dodongos said. "We had to go down to Kakariko and buy some, then we had to assemble a workstation, and develop a system. It only got harder when we realized we have no hands and had to do this with our mouths. I think it's pretty damn good that we made forty-six jugs of lemonade with just our mouths!"

"Fine, fine, good job. But this is still not enough to get all the money we need."

"I don't think we can get that much money with lemonade."

"I have a plan, don't worry."

"What is it this time: sell our organs?"

"Donate our bodies to science?"

"Invent a hilarious transport vehicle?"

"Invade Termina?"

"No, no!" King Dodongo interrupted. "I'm going to get the Triforce and wish that I'm the most powerful person in the world! I can get as much money as I'll ever want!"

"Triforce? Isn't that some kind of three legged camera stand?" one Dodongo asked.

"No, that's a Tripod," the other Dodongo answered. "It's a person who likes guys, girls, and hermaphrodites."

"Actually that would be a trisexual," King Dodongo responded. "The Triforce is a magical item that allows whoever touches it to make any wish."

"Could you wish for multiple wishes?" a Dodongo asked. King Dodongo thought for a moment and grinned.

Outside of the Goron City, Volvagia waited. He was currently picking random bones from his teeth as the remaining members of Link's group reached him. "What are you doing?" Link asked.

"Old habits die hard, sorry."

"You ate all the Gorons, didn't you?"

"Yes. Although there were only like four there, most of them probably didn't make it out of that temple. The ones that did were delicious however."

Link turned back to the monsters and fairy. "Well, that's one species eradicated off the face of the Earth," he said. "So which is next?"

"Zoras!" Barinade demanded. "Those fools tried to kill me when I gained a nice home in their giant fish. I didn't even have any negative effects! I was just… there."

"We know you were there, that's where we found you," Link said. "Let's go and visit the Zoras!"

As the group descended Death Mountain, Link came face to face with Epona. She did not seem very happy about being forgotten for so long. "Oh, Epona! I had forgotten about you for so long!" Especially after Link said that.

Epona neighed and somehow tossed Link onto her back. She galloped off toward the Zora River.

"Who wants to go eat some lunch and keep him waiting?" Gohma asked. All the other boss monsters agreed and went to eat some burgers at the ranch.

"When I find that kid, I'm going to end his life with his own liver!" Ingo ranted, not noticing the newcomers. "Then I'll eat his face!"

"Do you stand around all day ranting about what you're going to do some kid when you find him?" Gohma asked. "Because that's kind of creepy."

Ingo turned to face them. "I'd be scared by the mass of weird monsters, but my mother's tea parties desensitized me to stuff like that. What do you all need?"

"Cheeseburgers," King Dodongo stated. "Copious amounts of cheeseburgers."

"I'd normally sell 'em, but Ganondorf stole all my cows and says that he plans to build some mass-producing cheeseburger factory."

"That villain!" Volvagia hissed.

-Halfway to the Zoras-

"Wasn't there an asylum here before?" Navi asked. "All I see now is a flaming pile of rubble."

Barinade approached it, also confused. He had his hammer just in case something decided to jump out. "I, BARINADE, shall check it out!"

"Can I come?" Link asked.

"You're already beside it. I, BARINADE, am coming to help _you_." Barinade began to poke the rubble. Suddenly, a hand reached out of the rubble. "I, BARINADE, see something!"

A green skinned man rose from the rubble.

"He looks familiar…" Link pondered, stroking his chin in thought.

"Shit, that's Ganondorf!" Navi yelled.

"Ganondorf… Where have I heard that name before?"

"Hello Hero of Time, I see that you have managed to make all of my strongest agents betray me," Ganondorf said. "I had thought that you would be the last to betray me, Volvagia."

"Eat my shit you ass."

"Yikes, someone's touchy. Where's my phantom? I thought he was traveling with you."

Link's group all looked at each other, none of them noticing Phantom Ganon's absence. "Now that you mention it, he kind of disappeared somewhere in the Fire Temple," Navi said. "Where the hell is Phantom Ganon?"

"It's not important, I don't really care about him," Ganondorf muttered. "This will be the site of my new cheeseburger manufacturing plant, and none of you can stop my plans at this point. They are too close to completion!"

"You've only _just _cleared the area, there's still rubble in fact," Gohma said. "How is anything even close to being finished?"

"I have the place built, I just need to relocate it."

"How?"

"It's magic, I don't have to explain it. Now move to the side, I have things that I must take care of."

"But I want to fight you now!" Link pouted.

"Some other time, kid. I don't have time to fight an age confused kid wearing a skirt and tight pants, I have more important things to do. Now I'm off to get wasted." Ganondorf walked passed the group.

-The Zoras-

"WHY?" Link screamed, falling to his knees. "Potito, YOU WERE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS WORLD!" Said Zora was frozen upside-down in the water with all the other Zoras. The entire area was coated in ice so the ones that weren't even in the water were also frozen.

"There there Link," Barinade patted the 'Hero' on the back in an attempt to comfort him. "I once lost a dear friend, if only he hadn't gotten in my way he would still be alive today. I will always remember you, Roger."

"Who's Roger?" Navi asked.

"Roger is Roger. No other explanation is required."

"You just made that story off the top of your head, didn't you?"

"Maybe. The point is that Link is suffering, we should help him!"

"He's chasing a butterfly now, I don't think he's suffering too badly."

"It's a coping mechanism."

"That's a lie and you know it."

"Shut up you two," Gohma snapped. "It looks like Ganondorf froze the Zoras just like he nearly fed all the Gorons to Pocahontas over there."

"Hey!" Volvagia snapped, running a hand through his fiery hair. "My burning locks are very masculine. Long hair doesn't mean girl! Not to mention the scissors always melt…" The dragon was ignored for the time being.

"NOOOOO!"

"Looks like Link found another one of his 'friends'," Navi said.

"WHY KING ZORA, WHY? I HARDLY KNEW YOU…"

-After a lot of mourning-

In the fountain that used to house a very big fish, they found a lot of ice. What a surprise… "It looks like we can get to that cave over there now, anyone up for checking it out?" King Dodongo asked.

They easily entered the cave and found themselves surrounded by more ice in this Ice Cavern. "I'm going to get sick of ice very fast," Volvagia hissed. "Why did I have to come?"

"We're going to kick Ganondorf's ass and you want in on it," Navi said.

"So why didn't we fight him earlier…?"

"He was busy and I didn't want to intrude," Link told him. He soon found himself with his head stuck in the wall.

-Later-

"What's with the giant spinning ice blades?" King Dodongo asked. "I really doubt that that's a natural formation…"

"Why? Ice has become sharp things before," Link said. "Icicles, smaller icicles, big icicles, icicle shards, partially formed icicles…"

"Moving on…" Gohma began, "let's just smash it."

"Oh, you can't," Link said. "It's ice." Gohma tried anyway and smashed the giant spinning ice blades to pieces. "I guess it was only imitation ice. Real ice can take anything, I've tested it."

"Hey, stop screwing around back there!" Navi yelled from ahead. "We've found some strange type of fire."

Link and Gohma caught up to the rest of the group after killing a few annoying Ice Keese. Navi, Barinade, King Dodongo, and Volvagia were surrounding a pedestal holding a large blue flame on top of it. "It's blue," King Dodongo said.

"Dammit I wish I wasn't colour blind!" Volvagia hissed. "None of you use that against me!"

"You can't tell me what to do," Gohma said before bringing its attention back to the blue fire. "I have a feeling that this will be useful, let's take some."

"If we took some of everything that you've thought is useful, we'd have… blue fire!"

"Shut up Kingy, you fail at life."

Link decided to side with Gohma and took some blue fire in his only bottle. "Now we can melt the red ice with the blue fire!" he exclaimed.

"What fuels that logic?" Gohma asked.

"Red ice plus blue fire equals purple water!" Gohma tore off his ear and said it would only give it back once Link became smarter.


	26. The Ice Cavern

_Published July 27, 2009  
_

**The Ice Cavern**

Link melted some red ice with the blue fire. The water created by this reaction was strangely green. "At least Link was partially wrong, it would have been scary if he was completely right," Navi said.

"I HAVE NO EARS!" Link cried, saddened by the loss of his second ear at Gohma's hand.

"You'll get it back when you're smart."

The next room was the largest so far, and the icy ground looked like it was made of tiles. Ice Keese were flying around the area as though they owned the place. They most likely did. The room was filled with Silver Rupees, all of which were unable to be reached by normal actions. Volvagia is not considered normal actions however.

"What kind of pathetic puzzle is this?" the dragon laughed. "I could have done that while sleeping!"

An Ice Keese flew down to them at a rather slow speed. With one touch they were all frozen solid except for Volvagia. "I accept your challenge!" Volvagia breathed fire in the smoky bat's direction. The Ice Keese flew left, easily dodging the attack. "You have talent in the air, but it is no where close to my level!"

Volvagia charged the Ice Keese, roaring ferociously. The bat turned right, resulting in Volvagia crashing head first into one of the cave walls. "GAH! Don't expect me to hold back any more!"

"Should we just leave him for now?" King Dodongo, having thawed everyone out, asked.

"Yes," Navi answered. Gohma tore the room's blue fire spewing pedestal out of the floor and carried it with them in case it was required again.

-Ganondorf's castle-

Phantom Ganon looked down at the room that could be seen through the ventilation tunnel he was in. In the room was a cage holding a sleeping fairy. "Aha, it's Gate!"

"Mmm, muffins in my foot. Navy…"

"Definitely Gate." Phantom dropped into the room, grabbed the cage, and quickly flew back into the vents. He then began to backtrack out of the castle.

Ganondorf entered the room with a watering can. "Time to water the fairy- Hey, where's the fairy?"

Koume floated by the doorway. "Another prisoner escape?" she asked, cackling.

"Shut up mother, you're old."

-Back in the Ice Cavern-

"You think you're such a smart bat, but I'm smarter!" Volvagia hissed as he pulled the tarred feathers off of his skin.

Elsewhere, the other heroes had entered a strange, starry room. "This is… unique," Navi muttered.

"Give me my ear!" Link yelled.

Something else heard the cry however, something monstrous. A White Wolfos sprung from the snow and charged! One strike to the tail ended its life. "That was easy."

Another being heard this, and burst from the snow. "Oh hell no!" Navi snarled. "Not you again!"

The undying Tektite shook the snow off of its decaying body and lunged at the group. Link jumped into the air and drop kicked it back into the snow. "Without my hearing… all my other senses are getting better! It's a miracle!"

That is what Link wished happened though, as he was actually taken down by the tackle before Gohma grabbed the thing and threw it off of him. "Anyone have a plan to kill this thing for good?"

"Blue fire!" Link suddenly groaned from his semi-conscious state.

"Use the blue fire on it!" Navi translated. She grabbed some in a bottle as Gohma grappled with the Tektite and poured it all over the invincible monster. The flames faded after a moment. "That did nothing."

Barinade and King Dodongo watched from the sidelines. "This is kind of sad to see," Barinade said.

"Well you do better!" Gohma snapped.

Back with Volvagia, the dragon had finally grabbed the Ice Keese in his hand. "Did you think you could evade me forever? Did you expect to get off easy after causing so much trouble? You thought and expected wrong!" Volvagia licked the Keese. "Too sour." He threw it to the side and flew through the tunnel to join up with the others.

Volvagia arrived to see that Barinade was wrapped around a half decayed Tektite, and King Dodongo was poking it. "May I ask what happened here?"

"Go ahead," Link approved. Volvagia ignored him.

"Well, those ones were having trouble with this inferior creature but I, BARINADE, subdued it with grace and ease," Barinade explained. "Kingy then started poking it."

"I AM NOT KINGY!" King Dodongo tackled Barinade, setting the Tektite free and engaging the invertebrate in a wrestling match. "I AM RUTHERFORD STEVEN DODONGO THE FOURTH! Short version: King Dodongo."

Volvagia grabbed the Tektite by a foot and waved it through the air. He licked it. "Tastes like someone covered it in pepper. I like pepper." He threw it into the air and ate it with one lunge.

"Tried that," Gohma said. "It'll be back."

"I have a plan, do not worry." Volvagia laughed maniacally, the air around him darkening.

"Good for you."

Link approached the treasure chest that had appeared long ago with the defeat of the White Wolfos, cautiously opening it. "It's heavy boots!" he exclaiming, throwing them to the ground at his feet. The iron boots sunk a few inches.

"Would it be wise to wear those?"

"Of course!" Link threw off his old shoes and put the iron boots on his feet. "Now I can kick enemies too!"

Navi flew up to his boot. "Try to kick me, right now. Go on, do it." Link punted Navi across the room. "I… didn't think… you could." She soon passed out, so Gohma carried her.

"Good job, I think." The group turned to see the speaker, Sheik, as well as for some reason Phantom Ganon with a cage in his hand. "We meet again."

"And I came along because I had no idea where you all were," Phantom added. "I got this little asshole back."

"HI!" the fairy flew around Phantom's head.

"It turns out that this isn't Gate. It's someone more annoying-"

"I'M NAVY!" the fairy exclaimed. "He freed me from Mr. Red Green!"

"_Navy_? First it's Navi-Gate, and now it's Navi-Navy!" King Dodongo growled. "Do we honestly need two fairies at all times?"

"Enough talk, let's thaw the Zoras with this fire so I can kick their asses!" Barinade roared, electrically charging his hammer and swinging it violently.

"There's not much left to kick," Sheik said. "The Zoras are all sealed under a thick sheet of ice, and blue fire, or any fire really, won't help at all. It's too thick and too cold… not to mention magically enchanted."

"That's a pretty major part!" Navi said.

"There's one that was not frozen however," Sheik said. "Princess Ruto was eaten by Jabu Jabu again, and when he fled to avoid being frozen he took Ruto with him. I managed to save her again, with some inconveniences…"

"I AM BORITAE!" a green Barinade screamed, appearing beside Sheik.

"NO." Barinade killed Boritae.

"Thank you, that guy was driving me crazy ever since I found him in Jabu Jabu."

"No problem, I, BARINADE, hate him anyway. Kept eating my pidgeons…"

"Weren't you just saying that we should move on?" Gohma asked, elbowing Barinade in the… it wasn't too sure what it just hit. The area was soft, but seemed to have some hard cartilage in it a bit farther. The skin felt bubbly and easy bent to the blow. It was on the upper part of Barinade, and-

"Don't elbow my head!" Problem solved.

"SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE!" Sheik screamed, stopping all conversation in the country. "Ruto went into the Water Temple, which is where the source of the curse that makes this unbreakable ice is. The monster in there is the source of the curse."

"Do we have to go to the Water Temple and assist Ruto in blocking off the source of the curse that makes the ice?"

"LINK SHUT U- Wait, what?!"

"I said that Ruto scares me."

Sheik sighed in relief, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "Okay, good. I must have been hallucinating about you saying something smart," he muttered. "Go to the Water Temple and assist Ruto in blocking off the source of the curse that makes the ice. It will most likely be a monster Ganondorf created."

"New song?" Link seemed eager, although Sheik wasn't very excited at the prospect of teaching Link a new song. In fact, Sheik flinched at those two words.

"Yes, yes. A new… song." He shuddered. "This… song will transport you to the Temple of Water. The song is a flowing masterpiece, as time passes it will go on in a smooth current like water."

"Is that because it's the Water Temple song?" King Dodongo asked.

"I'M NAVY!" Navy said, suddenly right beside Gohma.

"Yes, that's why. Now take out your instrument and listen to the Serenade of Water." Sheik pulled out his harp and watched Link take out his ocarina. He played the short tune. Link played the Bolero of Fire, and they were suddenly in Death Mountain. "I hate you."

Upon returning to the Ice Cavern, Link was told that if he felt a tug that goes to Death Mountain, do NOT go with it. Take 2 began, and failed as well. After nearly a dozen tries Link finally got the song down, and wrote it on King Dodongo's ass with the rest of his songs.

"Good job," Sheik said. "Now I hope that I will never see you again." He disappeared in a burst of light.

"Onward!" Link exclaimed, jumping into the watery hole with his iron boots on. The Hylian quickly sunk beyond sight. He resurfaced almost immediately, throwing the iron boots to the ground. "These nearly drowned me!"

Navi picked up the boots with ease. "How are they so light when not being worn?"

"Magic." As we all know, magic explains everything.

"I'M NAVY!" Navy yelled into Navi's ear.

"You die now!" Navi put the iron boots on Navy and pushed him into the water. "Let's wait a few minutes before getting them back."

-After leaving the Ice Cavern-

Gohma dropped the blue fire spewing pedestal beside King Zora and defrosted him. "I live!" he exclaimed. "Thank you for saving me!"

"Where's my reward?" Gohma asked.

"Oh yes, it looks like you have a very hard time breathing underwater. I grant you this tunic, which lets you breathe underwater!"

"Can we all have one?" Volvagia asked. "I know for a fact that I can't breathe underwater."

"I don't know if I have any jumbo sizes…"

"I, BARINADE, can breathe underwater!" Barinade exclaimed. "There is no need for the rest of you."

"Wait a minute, I _can _breathe underwater!" Volvagia realized, smacking himself in the forehead. "I'm stupid sometimes." They all had a laugh and exited the area, leaving the blue fire beside King Zora.

"I should defrost my subjects," King Zora said before he stuck his feet in the flames. "But it's soooooo nice…"


	27. It's a Water Temple

_Published August 26, 2009_

_I had wanted to finish as much of this story as I could before the end of summer, possibly even finish it altogether, but I ended up stalling this chapter for so long. Why? Because I hate the Water Temple with a passion! I haven't played the game in about three years so I don't remember where to go and how to do what. The temple isn't hard, it's just long and full of guesswork. Every time you raise or lower the water level you have to go into every possible area to make sure nothing was missed, I ended up making several of the mistakes Link does in this chapter and went through five or six water cycles to clear the place. The keys are hidden in every nook and cranny. Dark Link was a pain, he kept back flipping when I used the hammer. Morpha was as easy as ever at least, difficult to grab but ridiculously easy to dodge. I wrote as I played, and altogether it took over four hours to beat the Water Temple and write this. Certain areas, such as Ruto and Dark Link, were more focused on in the story and thus had a larger written time than played time, but many other places were the opposite.  
_

_Up until the Fire Temple I had been watching clips off Youtube to get my gameplay footage and only started replaying recently. If I had remembered how much agony the Forest Temple was earlier I would have made that place much more… well, agonizing. I finished the entire first part of the game in a day, and then spent another day on the Forest and Fire Temples. I still can't remember how I had gotten into the Spirit Temple before the Fire Temple, even though I _have _completed it first before without any glitches. I just can't remember how though…_

_To sum things up, I just didn't want to go through the Water Temple and stalled, but now I have. Luckily the game is smooth sailing from here (aside from the length of the remaining temples, but they're straightforward). With my situation explained, on with the longest chapter I've ever written, to get this place out of the way!_

**It's a Water Temple**

"NO."

Kae Gae tilted his head in confusion from his position atop one of the trees around Lake Hylia. "But I haven't even-"

"I don't care!" Link snapped. "Stop following us!"

"I was here first!" Kae Gae exclaimed. "So _you _should stop following _me_!"

"I call dibs on eating him," Gohma growled.

"Quiet you. While I'm here, I might as well give you some advice on the Water Temple before you go in. Give all of your sharp things to the calmest person of the group and don't take them back until the end," the owl said. "Trust me, this is invaluable advice!"

"If it's invaluable it's not worth anything," Link stated. "Let's go guys."

"Invaluable and valuable mean the same thing," Navi told him. "Just go with it."

"The puzzles in the Water Temple are numerous and agonizing, prepare yourself for-"

"Stop trying to regain credibility, it isn't working," Link interrupted.

"Since I've been here," Phantom Ganon began, "he seems to give us genuine advice. Why exactly are you guys trying so hard to ignore him?"

"I regularly stalked them seven years ago, and they just can't seem to get over that."

"Why did you regularly stalk them?"

"Why not?"

"That logic is either heavily flawed or unbeatable."

"Let's go with heatedly flawed," Link said. "Can we move on? I want to get to the Water Temple already. I like water, water likes me, so that must mean that I'll like the Water Temple."

Kae Gae fell off of his perch, laughing too hard to even breathe properly. He soon passed out. "All in favour of moving on?" Gohma asked them all.

"Aye," everyone responded.

"All opposed?"

"Nay…" Kae Gae groaned.

"And we're off!" Link eagerly walked across the bridge they were on. "Hey, the lake has no water in it!" No comment was made on this obvious fact. As Link was walking he saw a hole in the ground close to the middle of the lake. "This may be it!"

Inside were three Business Scrubs, all advertising their wares. "Bombs, get your bombs! I got big bombs, small bombs, nuclear bombs, smoke bombs, non-explosive bombs, you name it and I got it!"

Barinade approached him. "Do you have napalm bombs?" he asked. "I, BARINADE, love to set things aflame!"

"No napalms."

"Then your usefulness has expired!" Barinade enveloped the screaming Business Scrub. Once he unraveled it was no where to be seen.

"The hell was that?" Volvagia muttered.

"My version is better!" Gohma ate a second screaming Deku Scrub. "No one can beat the original eater!"

"Oh really?" King Dodongo charged the third Scrub. This Scrub sidestepped the dinosaur who crashed head first into the wall, knocking himself out.

"What a noob, I should castrate him in his sleep," the Scrub said, laughing jovially. "Can I interest any of you in arrows? Thirty for seventy rupees."

Link checked his quiver. "I have fifteen already, so how about forty-one for eleven?"

"Link," Navi began. "That's doesn't make any sense."

"Quiet, I'm bartering. So what do you say?"

"I'll sell ten for seventy-four."

"Ten and a half for seventy, that's as low as I'm going."

King Dodongo shoved Link aside, having miraculously regained consciousness in time to work his magic. "I'll barter with you, okay? Now let's see, what's a reasonable price…"

-Five minutes later-

King Dodongo walked out of the hole with seven hundred rupees. "I can't believe you bought his entire stocks for six and then sold them all back for seven hundred!" Phantom said with shock evident in his voice.

"I didn't get any arrows!" Link pointed out.

"This is a business Link, not a charity," King Dodongo told him, patting the Hero of Time on the head.

Link nodded in understanding. "Oh, when you say it like that it makes more sense." I guess that the only way to make an idiot understand is to say something stupid.

Kae Gae flew over to them. "Well, you just wasted three hundred words on nothing, think it's time to move on? The Water Temple is down in that water like its name suggests." They all stared at him. "Don't think you can intimidate me, I could crush you all with a mere thought. I'm awesome like that." He noticed that the group had walked passed him and were heading toward the spot he had suggested. "You've made yourselves a powerful enemy!"

"Okay, time to put on this tunic!" Link said, taking out the Zora Tunic. He put the hat on and screamed. "IT'S BITING INTO MY BRAIN!" Link continued screaming and ran around aimlessly.

"Perhaps it injects oxygen into his brain to keep him alive," Phantom suggested as Link screamed about pain and death. "Hey, I figured out how something works in this crazy world! I think that deserves a pizza." Phantom, Gohma, and King Dodongo all walked off to leave the ones that could survive underwater to their crap.

Link stopped screaming after a few more minutes. "Okay, I've lost feeling in my head so we can continue with no screaming!" he announced happily. Some blood dripped down his forehead.

The foursome consisting of a Hylian, a fairy, a dragon, and… Barinade entered the Water Temple at last. Link hookshotted, and yes that is a verb now, across a pool of water onto the main platform. It was a tall, wide pillar-like structure with several walkways around it at different heights. They killed a Tektite.

"Let's do some planning," Navi said. "Most temple so far have had many rooms that are accessible, but in all of them we've only ever been able to go one way that actually solves the puzzles. This means that if we split up and find the right path, we-"

"Less talk more FALLING!" Barinade jumped into the water. Link shrugged and followed. Volvagia decided to go as well, leaving Navi at the top.

"I hate you all." She flew into the water, submerging completely.

They met up at the bottom level. Link was drowning until he was reminded not to breathe down here, the cloths would do it for him. "There's four tunnels," Navi explained. "Let's all go into different ones…" She noticed they all went in a tunnel with two torches around it. "You suck." Link screamed from inside of it causing Navi to rush in to thank whatever had caused him pain, but she did not expect what was there.

"NAVI!" Ruto screamed, hugging the fairy. "It's me, Ruto, Princess of the Zoras! Now that you're here we can get married!"

"WHAT?!"

Barinade chuckled. "Since _you_ took the Zora's Sapphire, that means that _you _and _Ruto _are engaged. Happy honeymoon!"

"Yup!" Ruto continued happily, still hugging the struggling fairy. "By taking the Sapphire you vowed to marry me seven years ago, and I definitely won't forget!" She then got incredibly angry and began to crush the fairy in her grip. "**How dare you keep me waiting for so long! I nearly caught up to you four years ago but you locked the door to the Temple of Time when you saw me coming! I'll crush every bone in your body you wretched little asshole!**"

Navi would be terrified if she wasn't dying.

"I love you so much!" Ruto exclaimed, going back to happy mode and releasing Navi. She fell to the ground, gasping for air only to be rewarded with water.

"I'm so glad that I wasn't the one to take it!" Link exclaimed, laughing at Navi's misfortune.

"So have you made any plans Ruto?" Barinade asked, intend on extending this moment for as long as possible. Navi glared at Barinade, mouthing several swears that wouldn't come out at the moment.

"Of course! There will be banners and a band and exactly sixty four people and waiters and alcohol and gifts and money and it'll be underwater and it will be in the evening and there will be candles in this underwater wedding and if you say that's not possible I'll **disembowel you with the most painful medieval methods known to Zoras **and it'll be fun!" she finished. "The list is at home and frozen, so there's not much that I remember off the top of my head."

"I think we should move on to the matter at hand," Navi suggested. "You know, the whole frozen kingdom…"

"Ah yes, that." Ruto suddenly gained a serious attitude. "As you know, Zora's Domain is completely frozen. I was only spared because Jabu Jabu ate me again, but my father and the other are still frozen."

"We thawed your father," Volvagia told her.

"Well he's unimportant, and everyone else is still frozen. I want you to help me save them all, consider it a method of repaying me for having me wait so long," Ruto said, though it was more to Navi at this point. The fairy cowered behind Barinade. "We must defeat the evil monster to unthaw them."

"We know, that's always how it works," Link told her.

"**Silence while I speak. **Inside the Water Temple, there are three places where you can change the water level. I'll lead the way, follow me, quickly!" She began to swim upwards.

Link removed his Iron Boots and floated to the top, finding an empty room and no Ruto. Inside the next room were several metal balls covered in spikes!

"It's a Spike," Navi announced.

"Creative name," Volvagia muttered.

"Hit it when it retracts its spikes." Barinade melted them all with electricity. "Why do you never listen to me?"

"Give me one good reason that we should and I will."

Ruto walked into the room. "Sorry about that, I saw a piece of cheese and had to eat it. Now lead the way!"

"I thought you were doing that," Link said.

"I've never been in here before, how would I know where I was going?"

"Look at this sign!" Navi said. "It says that if we play Zelda's Lullaby the water level will lower!"

"It really says that?"

"Not directly, but it isn't very well hidden if that was their intention."

Link played Epona's Song and the horse crashed in through the roof, neighing loudly. "Epona!" Link hugged his horse. "I'm sorry about saying your mother was a dolphin, let's never fight again…"

Upon lowering the water level to the bottom and then raising it by one level, the group, now including Ruto, entered another passage. Link got up with his Hookshot while the others watched him struggle and found a chest surrounded by a pillar of water. "Is this honestly expected to stop me?" Link reached into the water and got his right hand taken off by the current. It was strange that his left was the one stuck in, but whatever. Volvagia solved the puzzle with ease and got a compass.

"Useless crap." He threw the compass back in the chest and burned it.

"There's nothing on this level!" Ruto whined.

"Let's go back down and see if anything is accessible by the new water level," Navi said.

"That's a terrible idea!" Link said. "You're a terrible person. You and your terrible ideas, what a terrible companion…"

Ruto suddenly wrapped her hands around his neck, picked Link up off the ground, and began to throttle him. "Insult my future spouse and you shall perish!"

"I think I'm beginning to see the perks of this."

After backtracking and blowing up a wall, a key was found. "These things are always called 'small keys', but what exactly is a 'big key'?" Link asked as he spun the key around his finger.

"Those open the boss doors. We're found two already."

"Shut up." Ruto began to strangle him again. "THAT… WASN'T… AN INSULT!" Link choked out.

"Close enough!" Because he didn't need to breathe, she could choke him for as long as she wanted and he'd stay conscious.

A locked door was opened on the middle level. Inside were a geyser and a crystal. "I hear a noise," Volvagia hissed. "It's a hopping noise. The hopping noise is coming from up there." Link walked under the hole and was crushed by a Tektite. "I was correct."

Volvagia smacked the Tektite against a wall and burned it to ashes. A fairy's life was then sacrificed to bring Link back from the dead. "IT HURTS!" the fairy screamed as it burned.

"That's what you get for being the species that you are," Navi said. "The same species that I am. Except I'm special. You are not. Bye bye!"

They found themselves back in the main room with another song plate. Link raised the water back to the top. "Did any of that have any point? We gained nothing except an annoying Zora and a map!"

Link noticed a Blue Tektite and unsheathed his sword. He ran, jumped, and slashed it in half mid-air. "I _hate _those things!"

"We all do Link, and that action was the sole redeeming thing that you have done on this journey. I congratulate you." Navi shook Link's hand.

Ruto stared at a locked door. "We were supposed to get an extra key down there, weren't we?" The others stopped their Tektite killing celebration and stared at the locked door. And so, the group went back to the lowest level, lowered the water, and found a wall that they had had to push. Inside a Tektite tried to attack them from across a large pit and ended up jumping straight in. They had quite a laugh about it and threw things at it. The Tektite somehow escaped and attacked them. There was much bloodshed.

After the gaining another key they went back to the top level. "That was agonizing," Navi groaned. The next room was full of steadily lowering platforms and a waterfall. "OH COME ON!"

"Oooo, a waterfall!" Ruto swam up it easily. "Come on, you can do it! Just think like a salmon!"

"Yes Link, think like a salmon," Volvagia encouraged. "Your current mentality is about the same level, you just have to raise it a bit and you'll be able to think like a salmon in no time!"

"What's a salmon? I lived in a forest my whole life and don't know anything about it," Link said. "Is it a fish?"

"No, it's a more advanced type of brain cell," Volvagia said. "Make sure to tell as many people as possible that your brain is made of salmon."

"Okay. HEY, RUTO! MY BRAIN IS MADE OF SALMON!"

"Oh, that explains it!"

Barinade jumped in the waterfall and climbed it easily. Volvagia flew across the chasm. All that remained were Link and Navi. "I don't like chasms, can someone come get me?"

"Okay." Volvagia grabbed Link, searing his flesh.

"AH, too hot!"

Barinade grabbed Link, electrocuting him. "AH, too electric!"

"I, BARINADE, can actually turn that on and off whenever I want, I just wanted to do that." He brought the angered Link across. "NEXT ROOM!"

The Tektites were all cleared from the next room and it was easily crossed. The room afterwards was very large and didn't seem to have any walls. It was full of a thick white fog. "This place is strange," Navi said. "It's like we're in some different dimension…"

Ruto knocked on one of the invisible walls. "No, it's just the way the room's painted."

"Paint can give it an endless appearance and fill it with white fog?"

"If made by the right person, yes. I think his name is Vustroithenshreiten."

Link approached the tree in the middle. "It's a tree. Why is it in the middle of a temple? This isn't the Forest Temple… is it?"

"No it isn't."

"Don't destroy drama Navi! Wait, who's that?"

A black figure stood on the other side of the tree. Link approached it and suddenly a shadow version of himself attacked! It was a Dark Link!

"That shadow has the exact same moves you do," Navi explained. "It will also only move when you do!"

Link took out his sword and raised his shield, as did the shadow. They approached one another and the moment they touched Dark Link did a back flip. It approached the stationary Link again and did another back flip. This repeated. "Not very threatening, is it?" Ruto mumbled as Dark Link kept on back flipping.

"As hilarious as this is, kill it," Volvagia ordered. Link tried to stab Dark Link but it jumped on his sword and kicked him in the face.

"I thought you said it will only move when I do!"

"I was wrong." Dark Link stabbed Link in the gut. "You might want to fight back. Just a helpful hint to win a battle."

"Shut up and help!"

Ruto charged into the fray, kicking Dark Link in the shin, forcing him to a knee. "What did I tell you earlier?"

"That was Dark Link," Link said.

"Oh, I'm colour blind so I couldn't tell." She then kicked Link in the shin, forcing him to a knee.

"Me thinks me has a plan. Navi is a stupid, annoying, whiny little S.O.B., and should never have been born!" Ruto knew which Link was real at this point and kicked the crap out of the regular Link. Literally… ew.

"Now my foot is covered in crap, great job Link!" She continued to beat him as Dark Link watched silently.

"I wonder how different this situation would be if Link got the Sapphire," Navi pondered.

"It sounds like a plain, predictable concept," Barinade said. "By the way, did you know that I AM BARINADE!" He smashed his electrically charged hammer onto the ground, nearly killing Link and Ruto. Dark Link was on the elevated tree's ground. "I haven't done that in too long. It was quite enjoyable."

"The hammer… Link, use a weapon Dark Link doesn't have!" Navi yelled. They were halfway across the room after all.

"Such as…? My sticks are broken and Barinade took the hammer!"

"Barinade, hit Dark Link with the hammer."

"Don't tell me what to do with my precious!" Barinade hissed, holding the hammer tighter and stroking it slightly.

Ruto had enough of hurting Link and approached Dark Link. He began to back flip away from her. "That's enough of that, come back here!" She began to run at him resulting in even faster back flips. "You will die!" Dark Link messed up on a back flip and broke his neck on the fall. It then fell into the floor.

"That was easy," Link said. "I guess it was a pretty terrible copy of me."

"You'd mess up after twenty one consecutive back flips too, stupid."

"I don't know what that means but I could so reach twenty two!" He began to back flip. "ONE, TWO, THREE…"

"Who wants to bet that he'll mess up on the twenty first?" Volvagia hissed.

Dark Link sprung from mid air and body slammed Link.

"Or that will happen."

Dark Link and Link began a duel where their swords kept on colliding due to identical attacks. Link lunged and Dark Link dodged, lunging. Link dodged, lunging and Dark Link dodged, lunging. Link dodged, lunging and Dark Link dodged, lunging. Link dodged, stabbing and Dark Link jumped, kicking him in the face. Link staggered before recovering and lunging. Dark Link dodged, lunging and Link dodged, lunging.

"Enough of this!" Volvagia flew in and blasted fire at Dark Link. To adapt to the new foe Dark Link became Dark Volvagia. "Well that's not good." Dark Volvagia smacked Volvagia into the wall before charging at Link.

"DAMN YOU VOLVAGIA!" Link screamed as the massive dragon chased him.

Volvagia looked over. "Don't worry, I'm allergic to high self-esteem! Someone happy, hug it and it will die!"

"Let's both Navi, we're very happy so it'll be overkill!" Ruto exclaimed. Navi groaned.

"No need for overkill, you can have the glory of doing it. Consider it a gift," Navi told her in monotone.

"Yippee!" Ruto jumped up and hugged Dark Volvagia. The fake exploded on contact.

"She must be really happy, normally there would be lots of screaming and writhing," Volvagia said to himself, now scared of going anywhere near her.

The white expanse changed into a normal room.

In the next room was a chest, and inside was…

"DA DA DA DAAAAA! You got the Longshot!" Navi exclaimed. "It's twice as long as the hookshit!"

"At last!" Link snapped the hookshot in half and set it aflame. "Burn! Burn! With this new one I can do anything!"

-2 minutes later-

"HELP ME!" Link was being sucked into a watery vortex, only holding onto the longshot as it attached to a wall.

"Nah."

-Afterwards-

"I hate you all," Link growled as he wringed out his hat before letting it latch onto his head again. "If that postman hadn't come by and killed the whirlpool I'd be a clown!"

"There are so many things about that sentence that don't make sense but I don't care enough to point them out," Navi said. "Now let's mess around with the water level until we find something."

And find something they did. The room was filled with Tektites, underwater boulders, and whirlpools. "And just as I thought I couldn't hate this place anymore, this happens."

"There there Navi, just think: after all it's over, we'll get married!" Ruto exclaimed, patting her on the shoulder.

"Of course, the incentive is driving me forward more than anything else." Navi was tempted to fling herself into one of the whirlpools.

Link, seeming to read her mind, decided that that was the best way to cross the room: throw oneself into the water.

Link leapt into the liquid, swam across, and pulled himself onto the other ledge. "That was a lot easier than it looked.

After a few more simple yet time consuming puzzles, a hallway was reached. "This place looks easy," Link said as the hallway split into right and left. "The current's going left." A large boulder rolled passed them. "Does anyone else hate boulders yet, or is it just me?"

"Left looks like the room we were just in," Ruto said. "I think we have to go right."

"Right's a dead end!"

"There's a pit, let's go in."

"Pits never end well!"

"Yes they do!"

"Do not!"

The two began to attack each other. Bets were taken, nut-shots were laughed at, and the three who weren't fighting had a very good time.

Eventually they went into the pit. The door at the other side was locked, and they had no key. "Oh come on!" Link punched the door. "We have the longshot, we could always go to another temple…"

"We started it, we finish it," Navi grumbled.

"But we abandoned the Spirit Temple! Two won't hurt…"

"No."

Another water cycle was done to bring the water up, find a key, and then bring the water back down to the bottom.

After making their way back to the boulder room, Link entered a now flooded room filled with stingers. The stingers all swarmed him and brought him to a quarter of a heart before they were all killed at last. The locked door was soon unlocked.

"All that for a stupid chest!" Link punched the chest, opened it, grabbed the key, tore it in half, and ate the remains. He then roared into the air.

"That was the Big Key you ass," Volvagia hissed.

Link ignored him, he was too busy capturing some fairy he found in the room in bottles. "Ha ha, stupid fairy. You thought you could live a peaceful, civilized life? Nope, you're in a bottle now! Neh neh neh-neh neh!" He noticed Navi staring at him blankly. "I'm all for fairy rights, but while I have the chance to do this legally… HA-HA!"

The water level was then raised back to the highest level. Link fell face first into the water. "I'm tired, let me be," was bubbled up from his face.

"No." Volvagia picked Link up and brought him up to the only door they had not yet entered. "The boss is probably a bit further, go!"

Link entered to see three spiked lumps sliding back and forth across a hill. He ran up the hill, but got knocked down by a lump. He tried again, running up the hill but was once again knocked down by a lump. "A wise guy, eh?" He ran up the hill and although he made it passed the first lump, Link was sent back to the bottom again. He took out his sword and hacked each lump off as he reached them, easily making it to the top. "Piece of cake."

"I dislike cake," Ruto said. "Too sweet for us Zoras."

"Battle time!" Volvagia roared as the fivesome entered the room. Inside was a room consisting of an outer rim, four pillars, and a pool of water.

"Be careful," Ruto warned. "It's water…"

"Water indeed," Link added, glaring at the water.

"I'm not sure what's worse," Navi said. "The fact that she thinks I'm engaged to her, or that Link nearly was, and the kids would have been mentally crippled."

"Quiet," Volvagia growled. "I smell an enemy. It's small, and round… There!" He pointed at a bouncing ball in the water.

**Morpha**_  
Giant Aquatic Amoeba_  
Species: Water Ball  
Hobbies: Bouncing  
Likes: Water  
Dislikes: Burnt toast. Why? I don't know.

"I am Morpha!" the ball announced. "Lord Ganondorf has given me the task of killing you all! Prepare to die!"

Link was the first one to give in to his laughter. He fell onto his knees, laughing harder than he ever had before. Barinade was next, slapping his knee in his laughter. As he was holding a hammer at the time, it wasn't a smart move. The others soon followed. Volvagia was the only one still able to talk in the hysteria.

"Oh no, I'm so terrified of the bouncy ball! I guess Ganondorf didn't expect anyone to make it this far if you're the only thing here."

"Do not mock me! I am a bio-engineered amoeba cloned from Lord Ganondorf's toe tissues!"

"I've beaten a dark energy perfect clone, so I think I can beat Ganondorf's toe," Link said to Morpha.

"Your overconfidence will be your downfall!" Morpha jumped into the water, swirling it into a long tentacle.

"Oh no, the water is going to splash on me!" Link mocked as the tentacle grabbed him. It lifted him into the air and began to smash him off of walls and the floor. "Gasp! The water is hitting me! Help Navi, this is so devastating!" He went back to laughing.

Morpha created more tendrils to attack Link and the others, but they were not very effective at all. "Okay, we should probably finish this," Ruto said, finally done laughing.

"Sure." Link fired his longshot at Morpha, but missed. "Well let's try that again." He tried again and again, but couldn't hit the fast moving ball.

"Aha, you have found my most threatening capability!" Morpha bragged. "You cannot kill what you cannot hit! And I can kill you all!"

Barinade tried to grab Morpha, but the ball still managed to evade it. It began to swirl again and formed a new tentacle which lunged at Barinade, wrapping around his hammer. "NO." Barinade pulled back, tearing the hammer from its grasp. "You do not touch the hammer!" He electrically charged it and smashed the tentacle to bits. "I AM BARINADE! FEAR MY POWER!"

"No." Morpha smacked Barinade in the head… I think… which caused him to back into a corner. "You are cornered, now die!"

The tentacle reached out toward Barinade to finish him off. Barinade electrically charged the hammer, preparing to fight back. The tentacle was mere centimetres from impact… then it stopped.

"What?! I cannot reach you!" Morpha tried to stretch further, but could not.

Barinade snickered. "Honestly? Wow, this is sad."

"DO NOT MOCK ME!" Morpha tried to use two tentacles, but neither reached. The ball went into the tentacle to try to reach Barinade itself, but still could not.

"You suck at this."

"Silence! I am the strongest servant of Lord Ganondorf!"

"The others are bathing in your water, you aren't a threat."

"Am too…"

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"ARE NOT!" Barinade smashed Morpha with the Megaton Hammer.

"Am not…" the flattened Morpha groaned. Barinade, satisfied with the results, pealed Morpha off of the ground and inflated it again.

"We have reached an understanding." Barinade was now holding Morpha in one arm and the Megaton Hammer in another, leaving only one leg to walk on. "I, BARINADE, need someone else to hold this ball."

"I AM MORPHA!"

Navi stared. "There're two of them," she said lightly, having just lost faith in society. "Barinade, get Morpha to surrender. We can't go to the Chamber of the Sages until it surrenders."

"I WILL NOT SURRENDER!" Morpha screamed. "I will never surrender until I have been given sixteen THOUSAND veggie burritos!" Barinade smashed Morpha with his hammer again. "Pain tactics will not make me surrender!"

"Can I eat it?" Volvagia hissed.

"I surrender."


	28. Ten Big Poes

_Published September 2, 2009_

**Ten Big Poes**

Morpha's water gathered on the roof for some reason and exploded upon its surrender. "I've been practicing that all week!" Morpha exclaimed. "It was meant to be for victory, but then this happened."

-Chamber of the Sages-

No fusion happened upon entering this portal either, fortunately. The platform was getting rather crowded however, with Gohma, King Dodongo, and Barinade taking up most of the room. Phantom Ganon and Volvagia were flying over the bottomless abyss that Medigoron was still yelling from. Gohma was bouncing Morpha.

Ruto appeared on the Water Sage's platform. "It looks like I'm the Sage of Water!" she announced. "Good job guys, Morpha is now… tamed."

"I AM NOT A PET!" Morpha yelled indignantly.

"I guess this means that the Zoras will thaw out eventually," Ruto said. "I could care less about them, my eyes are only for you Navi! Navi?" Navi had not entered the portal, hoping to exit by backtracking through the temple. Ruto waited, grinning as this was the only way out of the boss room. The fairy begrudgingly went into the chamber through the portal, which ominously closed behind her.. "As a reward, I grant my eternal love to you!"

"I want a cash settlement," King Dodongo interjected.

"No, shut up fatass."

"It's flesh!"

"Unfortunately, I was told that I have to offer you all something aside from love this time," Ruto muttered. "So our wedding will be postponed, Navi. In the meantime here's a Water Medallion to remember me by! I've covered it in my scent for you."

"You came through the portal with us, how have you done so much already?" Navi asked.

"Magic Navi, magic." Ruto gave the fairy a pat on the head. "Now take the medallion and hurry to finish your journey. Once it is over we shall be together forever. **And if any of you try to interfere I will personally carve out your skull while you still live and drown you in acid!**"

"I consist of cartilage and water," Barinade pointed out.

"I'll think of something. Now go, go and save the land!" A bright flash of light carried everyone out of the chamber. "I shall be counting the days."

Darunia looked down at Medigoron. "He's still here? Has not anyone taken him out?"

-Lake Hylia-

"I'm tempted to sacrifice myself on this journey," Navi said as they warped to outside of the temple. "Any suggestions on how to make it look heroic and at the same time guarantee death?"

Sheik was waiting for them when they arrived, interrupting any further talk of death. "Good work, congratulations on completing this one without any casualties."

"The enemy was not threatening at all, there was nothing to worry about," Volvagia hissed as Gohma juggled Morpha and a beach ball.

"I AM THE GREAT MORPHA! Do not treat me as a toy!"

"Shut the fuck up and be juggled."

"So… Did Ruto tell you to thank me for saving her?" Sheik asked apprehensively, leaning in.

Link thought for a moment, a rare sight. "Nope, she didn't mention you at all."

Sheik's eyes grew dark, his aura turning blood red. "That bitch, I'm going to mutilate her! Also, meet me in Kakariko in a few hours." He disappeared in a burst of smoke. "Until then, don't do anything stupid!" Sheik's voice echoed.

"Stupid is a very broad term. What does that rock say?"

"'When the water fills the lake, shoot for the morning sun'," Navi read, looking at a plaque on the ground that she had seen when Sheik was talking. "Well, the lake's full of water, but what does that mean?"

"Maybe I shoot the Sun as it's rising in the morning," Link suggested, taking out his bow.

"The Sun's one hundred and fifty million kilometres from us, your arrow won't touch it!" Navi chided. "Trying to shoot the Sun makes you look retarded."

"Well I'm not moving until we try," Link said, still pointing his bow where the Sun comes up.

"It's noon Link," Gohma said. "I think we'd be a wee bit late for Sheik's meeting."

"This will work I tell you, it will!"

-The next day-

"It actually worked," Gohma said in disbelief as Link aimed his fire arrows and shot them randomly.

"BURN BABY BURN, I'VE GOT AN INFERNO! BURN BABY BURN, IT'S HOPELESS TO RUN!" Link sang, rather badly I might add. "Who said it was impossible to shoot the Sun? YOU. And who shot the Sun? ME." Link was brutally killed and revived by another one of his seemingly infinite fairies.

As he mumbled random – and quite nonsensical – threats, Link approached Hyrule field. "I smell something," Volvagia hissed. "It smells dead. It is… there!"

A Big Poe appeared before them. It laughed wildly at them and began to fly away. "No one laughs at Link Von Dunterschnitzel and gets away with it!"

"That's not your name," Navi said. "On second thought, I don't care anymore."

Link chased after the Big Poe as it flew through the air, twirling as if mocking him. "Come back here!" The Poe slowed its pace down until Link had just about reached it, and then shook its ass in his face. It then sped up again. "Phantom, you're a ghost, do something!"

"I'm not actually a ghost," Phantom Ganon said. "I am a solidified antimatter being constructed with Ganondorf's DNA implanted into-"

"Don't try to explain it," Gohma said. "Just pretend you are and give a half assed effort."

"Um, okay. Hey, you, Poe! Come back here or… I'll… have to… go over there!" Phantom yelled in a very unthreatening tone. The Poe gasped in mock fright and nodded vigorously, approaching them. It then farted and continued to run. "Well, that's all that I can do, Link."

"There's gotta be a song on this thing to help," Link grumbled, playing with his ocarina and seeming to have forgotten about Phantom. "What about this one…" He played the Song of Storms.

"Poes like rain from what I can tell," Navi said.

He played the Song of Time.

"That does nothing.

He played a jumble of random notes.

"That was musical gibberish."

He played Epona's Song. Epona charged passed them, tackled the Big Poe, and brutally mauled it. She tore the head off and shook it around, crushing the body.

"That was quite effective."

The Big Poe's lantern shattered and a frowning flame emerged. Link picked it up. "I'll name you Dennis!" He scratched the flame's chin. "Who's a good flame? You're a good flame! Yes you are, yes you are!"

Gohma observed the flame, ignoring Link. "I know a guy who you can sell that to for a lot of cash," it said. "He set up a store in the remains of the market and will probably pay for those."

King Dodongo grabbed Dennis, looking at it eagerly. "Pay, eh? Let's go catch more of these! You know, release them from their suffering, blah blah blah, all that sappy crap. Let's make money!"

And so, the hunt began. They split into three groups to scour for the numerous Big Poes split throughout the field. Link, Epona, and Bariande were in one group; King Dodongo, Gohma, and Navi were in another; and Phantom, Volvagia, and Morpha made the last. "I smell discrimination against the newbies!" Volvagia had said.

"I'm guessing that we're the only group meant to do anything, and the others are just there to get rid of the incompetent ones," Navi said to King Dodongo, the organizer of the teams.

"Of course, they don't have any incentive to do anything. I, however, have money driving me forward! And with money I can buy my precious tavern back!" He chuckled, but suddenly stopped. "I haven't checked up on those two Dodongos in a while, what did I even ask them to do last time?"

-A few days ago-

"While I'm getting the Triforce, you two have a job," King Dodongo said.

"Make more lemonade?"

"Exactly. If this fails, we need a back up plan. We need eleven million rupees, and if we sell each glass for five rupees then all we need are 2 200 000 glasses of lemonade. Start now."

-Present time-

"Oh yeah, that."

"I caught two!" Link exclaimed, holding two flames from over a hill.

"I got four biatch!" Morpha yelled, bouncing passed them.

"And we have none," Navi said. "Some money-driven elites we're turning out to be, eh?"

King Dodongo scoffed at this. "A minor setback. There are still more left, three if my formula came out correctly. And if my monetary estimates are also correct then that amounts to four hundred and eighty thousand rupees. Sha-shaw, we're off!"

Gohma soon spotted one of the remaining Poes taking a drink close to the ranch. King Dodongo charged the ghost which dropped its drink and began to fly away. "To help or not to help…" Gohma decided not to help and downed the Poe's dropped drink.

The Big Poe snickered at the sprinting King Dodongo. "Dammit, I'm out of shape," he gasped as the Poe taunted him. Link suddenly leaped out of a nearby tree and decapitated it. "What the hell were you doing in that tree Link?"

"It's a long, long story," Link said as he perched a foot on top of the Big Poe's body, stabbing it one more time to make sure the decapitated Poe was dead. "Once, long ago, I believed that with enough determination one could accomplish their many goals. Hoping to amount to something, I decided to make myself a goal that would be both easily doable and at the same time big enough to make me the type of hero that-"

"I didn't ask for your life story," King Dodongo suddenly said. "I no longer care. Now there are only two more Poes! I have to find them first!"

"But you _did _find this one first, I just jumped out of a tree-"

"I don't care!"

King Dodongo began to search again for the two remaining Poes. Link's group had somehow killed four Big Poes, and Volvagia's group had killed four as well. Even if only two were left, that would still amount to a lot of money in his eyes. Said eyes were clouded by the thought of gaining a large amount of cash.

When Navi mercilessly slaughtered the second last Big Poe, only one was left for King Dodongo to kill. It was pretty cautious now, trying to avoid the group. "Poe, get over here!" It stuck its tongue out. "I want to kill you and steal your soul, now come here right now! I have ice cream." This was not convincing enough for the Big Poe and it soon began to flee. King Dodongo pursued, but the Poe was intercepted by Morpha.

"I will show you my power!" It bounced into the Poe's face and was promptly thrown to the side.

"Such power," Gohma mocked.

This delay was all King Dodongo needed to pounce on the unsuspecting Poe and tear out its throat. "YES! I killed it! In your faces!"

The Poe twitched, but Phantom jabbed his sceptre into its face, killing it for good. "Looks like it wasn't dead. Oh well, you're welcome." He was promptly mauled.

-Hyrule Castle Town-

Gohma led them into the market, and then toward the building that the individual they would sell the Big Poes to lurked. The store was very dark and had a cage where several emotionally diverse Poe spirits was kept. They approached a figure with a cloak covering their face and one glowing red spot where the hidden face would be.

"Oh, why hello there Gohma," what sounded like an old man said. "I see that you've brought a friend with you. You're Link I assume?"

"How do you know who I am?"

"I can read minds… That and Gohma described you as a bumbling idiot whose life would be long over if not for divine intervention. You look like a person fitting that description," the Poe Salesman said.

"Wow, something cares enough about me for divine intervention? AWESOME!"

The Poe Salesman was unsure of what to say. "Well… I was, um, going to say that I was just kidding, but I think that moving on will preserve your self esteem," was what he decided to tell Link.

"Stay away from me," Volvagia hissed, moving away from Link.

"We're here for some cash," King Dodongo said, pulling out the ten Poe spirits.

"Very interesting, these are all Big Poes! Did you know that Poes are spirits of concentrated hatred? They hate everything, they are made of hatred! They-"

"Less yap more rupees," King Dodongo snapped, wanting his cash.

The Poe Salesman scoffed. "Young ones these days, no room for talking. Fine, here's your money. Ten spirits adds up to… five hundred rupees! Here you are! I'll also put 1000 points on your card. Once you reach 1000 points, you'll be very happy…" He paused for a moment. "And that's 1000 points, you're all genuine ghost hunters! I'm overstocked on Big Poes, so I guess I can't buy them from you anymore."

"FIVE… HUNDRED?! THAT'S IT?!"

"Of course not, you've got 1000 points! Take this." He tossed Link an empty bottle. "Use it to store things, they're surprisingly rare in the world."

King Dodongo roared, storming into the market to kill some ReDeads. Link enjoyed having the shiny bottle in his hands. Gohma started a conversation with the Poe Salesman.

"So how's the moving going?"

"Bah, I can't get a buyer for this place. No one seems to want a candlelit house in the zombie infested market square, though when I hear myself say that out loud I can see why."

Gohma nodded lightly. "Yeah, saying things out loud tends to show you how ridiculous they are. For instance, our group of idiots and monsters are going to take down the lord of all evil and his armies of undead and powerful minions all by ourselves with the help of several seemingly amnesiac sages and a ninja. To do so we must gather several medallions that serve no purpose other than to fill up the quest log to show what we've done so far and ransack ancient temples for new gear. We recruit the minions that we have defeated, proving that their power is inferior to our own, and yet bring them along anyway. When I say all that out loud, I know that we're a group of weirdoes," Gohma finished.

"Weirdoes indeed."

Link's head was stuck inside the bottle and he was running out of oxygen.

"The weirdest weirdoes I've ever seen."

_Morpha was originally going to die post-Water Temple, but I've grown to like the bouncing little scamp. _


	29. The Shadow Beast's Grudge

_Published September 6, 2009_

**The Shadow Beast's Grudge**

"We were supposed to meet Sheik in Kakariko yesterday, so should we go there?" Gohma asked as the group left the market, ignoring the numerous dead ReDeads.

"Nah, Sheik will probably hurt me. Let's finish the Spirit Temple!" Link exclaimed, playing the Bolero of Fire. They arrived in Death Mountain. "How exactly did I memorize the longest song but none of the others?"

"GAH!" Morpha screamed, skin bubbling. "It's too hot! Get me out of here!" Gohma sighed and threw Morpha out the exit, the one that was far above them. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

"I heard a cry of shock," Link said.

"No you didn't," Gohma said. "Everything you hear is a lie. Absolutely everything."

"Does that mean that what you said is a lie? Wait, if that's a lie, then- I'm confused!"

Gohma nodded, satisfied. "That should keep him out of the way for several hours. Let's find out what Morpha's screaming about and meet up with Sheik. We can say it was Link's fault."

"It really was Link's fault," Phantom said.

"You shut up."

After a brief climb the group was on the outside of the volcano, and Morpha was sitting quietly off to the side. "What were you-" Volvagia stopped talking, sniffing the air. "I smell a Goron. It's… there!" He flew into the air, looking over the rocky wall, and yelped immediately, jumping back.

A massive Goron rose from the rocks, _massive. _It was about the size of the Goron City! "My brotherrrr… Opened a new storrrre. It's Medigoron's Blade Storrrre. Howeverrrrr… I am betterrrrrr at making bladessssss."

"We have the Blade of Evil's Bane, there's no need for a stronger sword," Navi said.

"Are you surrrre? Hylian carpenterrrrrs praise me forrrrrr my skillssssss. I'm not lyinnnnng…"

"We'll be okay. Though I'm surprised that there's a Goron left," King Dodongo said.

"Whatttttt do you meannnnn?"

"He means nothing!" Volvagia interrupted, obviously terrified of this immense Goron. "This guy could crush me like a T-Rex crushing a potato bug!"

"That is the stupidest comparison I've ever heard," King Dodongo told him.

"You obviously haven't heard Link's 'like an orange fruit fly drinking from a public fountain' way back," Navi said. "We all hit him."

"I, BARINADE, am getting bored of this conversation!" Barinade yelled. "As we all know, my entertainment is all that matters. We should move on."

"You narcissist."

"Guilty as charged."

"I charge you for two thousand rupees!" King Dodongo suddenly declared.

"I think we should kill all the stupid ones," Volvagia hissed. "Why has no one done that yet?"

"I blame Communists," King Dodongo said. "If it wasn't for them, there wouldn't be stupid people in the world! …Why are you staring at me like that? It's scary."

"Die."

Gohma ceased their bickering with brute force, throwing Volvagia and King Dodongo in opposite directions. Volvagia's impact smashed open a rock revealing a golden skulltula. "What is that?" Morpha asked.

"It's a skulltula you idiot, what else does it look like?"

"Could be a tarantula," Link suggested.

"Tarantulas are only an urban legend, everyone knows skulltulas are the only spiders to exist," Navi said.

"Then why isn't the species called skulltulas instead of spiders?"

"What came first, the chicken or the egg?"

"The chicken obviously, something needed to have made the egg. But the chicken hatches from an egg… But without the chicken there is no egg. Without an egg, there is no chicken. I DON'T KNOW!" Link ran away screaming.

-Kakariko Village-

"Ah, I love this place," Gohma announced. "It has a soothing feeling."

As they walked toward the centre of the village, it began to rain lightly. "I think I love this place too," Morpha commented.

"You have not gained the right to talk among us, be silent."

"Now who's narcissistic?"

"Sheik isn't here," Link said, standing beside the well. "Let's go back to the field, maybe he's over there."

They walked out the gates, only for King Dodongo to realize that he dropped something back in the village. They reentered, finding the village aflame.

"What the hell?!" The right side was nearly destroyed by fire. "We were just here!" Navi exclaimed. "What happened?!"

Sheik was standing beside the well, ignoring the fire. Gohma approached. "What is going on?"

"Stay back, all of you," he said, then saw Link. "Especially you!"

The wooden arch above the well burst into the air, flying across the village and taking out Navi just before impact with the ground. An invisible force lifted Sheik into the air, shaking him around and throwing him into a building to the left. "YOU. I REMEMBER YOU," a voice bellowed.

"Hey, it sounds like the massive ugly guy from the well!" Link exclaimed. "How have you been?"

"It may have been seven years, but I remember how you did not appreciate my magnificence!" a shadow formed on the ground as though something had come out of the well, though it was invisible. "I did not like your attitude, it is time to die!"

It charged Link, knocking him across half of the village. "This is one of those times that your insults have bitten you in the ass, Link," Gohma said, watching a flaming Cucco run passed it. Link stood back up, but the invisible foe flung him through the air again. Link landed on a Cucco which called in its buddies to attack the assumed attacker. Dozens of angry, flaming chickens began to flock Link, pecking and clawing with their fiery bodies.

"Are you all _his _friends?!" the unknown enemy demanded.

"'Friends' is an umbrella term…"

"Close enough!" Phantom was first to go. He was yanked forward and smashed into the windmill, collapsing the large structure on him. Barinade attempted to retaliate but was not fast enough. The Megaton Hammer did not make contact and he was tied up by his own tentacles. "Why is the village on fire? I just got out."

Sheik managed to stand up. "The windmill spun to fast and knocked over a candle, which caught one building on fire. It blew the flames onto a few other houses. That thing's been a nuisance ever since it was made."

"It's been taken care of," Phantom groaned from the wreckage.

"Shut up over there and HELP!" Link screamed as he managed to escape the mob and ran. He jumped into the well, knowing that once grounded Cuccos cannot jump into the air again without help. He did not expect them to make a small ladder and all go into the well after him.

"Let's move on," Gohma said before it and King Dodongo did a simultaneous attack on the invisible enemy that they had lost track of a long time ago. As you may suspect it did not go very well.

Link pulled himself out of the well, looking down at the birds. "HA!"

"Stop with the pointless attacks," Sheik said. "If we're going to take down Bongo Bongo, we need to coordinate-"

"_Bongo Bongo_?" King Dodongo snorted. "That's the stupidest name I've ever heard!"

"…And avoid provoking him. I hate you all."

"DIE." The battle was over within seconds.

-Later-

Link groaned, opening his eyes and sitting up. "Looks like you're coming around," Sheik said, tending to his own wounds. "That could have gone a lot better, especially if you had **been here yesterday when I had told you to!**" He forgot that Link was injured and began to strangle him. Either that or he didn't care how hurt Link was, and wanted to cause more pain.

"Calm down Sheik. Hurting Link, although very tempting, won't solve anything," Navi said.

"This happened because you were weak," Volvagia muttered to King Dodongo.

"Do you want to start something? Because if you do, I'll kick your ass!"

"Bite my ass."

"I'd rather do that than taste your pathetic cooking!"

"SHUT UP OR I'LL SHOVE YOUR HEADS UP YOUR OWN ASS AND STAB YOU IN THE NUTS!" Sheik screamed. "This is terrible! Bongo Bongo, the evil shadow spirit, has been released and you're bickering like children!"

"He started it," King Dodongo whimpered.

"Do I look like I give an ass?"

"To be fair your face is rather concealed at the-"

"Do any of you understand the meaning of 'shut the fuck up'?!"

"That's not what you said," Morpha added.

Sheik took out several throwing knives. "I can hit the needle of a cacti from five hundred metres away, so unless anyone wants one of these in sensitive parts then SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"_Now _you've said 'shut-'" Morpha was pinned to the wall be several knives.

"Back to the topic at hand," Sheik began, "Impa had sealed Bongo Bongo in the bottom of the well eight years ago, but it appears that it was assisted in breaking the seal and escaping back into the world. Ganondorf was not involved in this, so we may have another enemy on our hands that has not been seen yet."

"No, we don't," Navi said. "I know who helped Bongo Bongo escape, and so that you don't burst a blood vessel all I'll say is that it isn't worth looking into."

Sheik glared at Link, getting the hint, before going back to his speech. "Impa has gone to the Shadow Temple to seal it again, but she will be in danger without any help. Bongo Bongo is stronger than any single Hylian."

"I'm guessing that since you don't want the Sheikah to die out any further, we should help," Gohma said.

"Impa is one of the six Sages."

"That's actually pretty important. We should help her."

"Glad to see that you're interested. I had planned to bring you here yesterday, awaken Impa, and kill Bongo Bongo _before _it escaped and regained the power drained by the seal but nooooo, you wanted fire arrows!"

"To be fair, fire arrows are awesome…"

"There is an entrance to the Shadow Temple behind the graveyard, but it is unreachable by normal methods. I will teach you the song that brings you to the entrance of the Shadow Temple." Sheik took out a harp. "This is the Nocturne of Shadow."

Link took out his ocarina.

"Before we do anything, remember to GET THIS SONG RIGHT. It is the ONLY way into the Shadow Temple! You need this song, so even if the notes have to be seared into your flesh I will make you learn it!"

"Yeah, yeah, let's learn the song!"

Sheik played the Nocturne of Shadow. "Your turn." Link played the Song of Healing. "It pains me to know that you're the hero of this journey."

"Is that the best you could come up with to insult him?" Gohma asked, disappointed in the Sheikah.

"I'm not a walking insult machine, those things don't just spurt out fully formed," Sheik snapped before going back to the hopeless effort of teaching Link a new song.

"You can't expect me to memorize and master an entire song instantly!" Link said. "We're even playing different instruments, I have to find the right notes, the correct pitch, and-"

Sheik hit Link over the head with his harp. "Less talking, more instant mastery. I expect results within the minute." Link sighed and accepted his fate. In the background, Barinade freed Morpha.

"We water bosses are underappreciated," Barinade said. "We must stick together, back each other up."

"Weren't you the one bouncing me earlier?"

"Quiet asshole." Barinade bounced Morpha off of a wall.

After Sheik carved the notes into Link's hand they moved on to the threat of Bongo Bongo. "Bongo Bongo is stronger than all of your previous enemies. While you all assist Impa, I want Phantom to come with me for a different task."

"Why me?" Phantom asked.

"You'll see."

"I can't see the notes while playing!" Link announced as he held the ocarina to his mouth and tried to look at his hand. "This plan was terrible!"

"Give me that you big baby."


	30. Sheik's Mission

_Published September 13, 2009_

_Chapter 14 has been expanded a large amount, the battles aren't short anymore. I plan to expand some of the shorter chapters soon, like 11 and 8.  
_

**Sheik's Mission**

Sheik used the Nocturne of Shadow to warp them all to the entrance to the Shadow Temple. "You will all go and beat up Bongo Bongo. We will be doing something else that is beneficial and will meet you inside if you aren't done by the end."

"What are you doing?" Link asked.

"You'll see."

"Stop being cryptic and tell us!" Gohma growled.

Sheik sighed. "Fine. I'm going to get a blue Cucco and use it to acquire the necessary materials that will allow Biggoron to craft a super sword that does more damage than the one you have right now."

"You lost me at the green lizard," Link said.

"I never said anything about a green lizard."

"Then who the hell was I just listening to?"

-In the Sacred Realm-

"Din, what are you doing?" Nayru asked her fellow goddess.

"Screwing with the Hero of Time's head," she proclaimed happily. "I should have started abusing my powers years ago, this is fun!" Nayru smacked Din's head and told her to stop making Link insane.

-Kakariko Village-

Link's group walked down the stairs. "I'm glad to be out of that torrential downpour outside," Navi said. "It's raining so hard!"

They found the next room ankle deep in water. "Looks like it flooded," Gohma said.

"Ah, the misery, it feels so good," Volvagia hissed upon feeling all of their irritated moods. After the dragons opened the way into the temple by lighting all of the torches, a voice rang throughout the halls.

_The Shadow will yield only to one with the eye of truth, handed down in Kakariko Village._

"Do you mean the Lens of Truth?" Link asked, holding up said lens.

_…Yes._

Another voice rang out.

_Make my beak face the true skull. The alternative is descent into darkness…_

_Hey, back off Louis, I'm still talking!_

_You aren't supposed to say more than one thing, it will ruin the mood!_ the second voice exclaimed.

_Bullshit, you just…_

The argument continued for several minutes.

-Sheik and Phantom-

"You, Cucco lady, are you still alive?" Sheik asked, approaching said Cucco lady.

She blinked, staring at him for a moment. "Take a guess. I'll give you three chances."

Sheik frowned, ignoring her comment. "I need a blue Cucco named Cojiro," Sheik said. "Do not ask why, just don't."

"Cojiro was my brother's Cucco, I'm not just going to hand him out to some random person who wants him. Besides, who would want a Cucco that doesn't crow anymore anyway?"

"Food?" Phantom Ganon suggested. Sheik glared at him.

"You aren't helping."

-Shadow Temple-

_One who gains the eye of truth will be able to see what is hidden in the darkness._

"We know that, the last four voices already said so," Gohma snapped. "Stop telling us the same thing!"

_We are the voices of those who can no longer speak, of those who have been taken into death and eternal silence. So shut the hell up, no matter what you say we're going to talk anyway!_

"Someone's touchy," Gohma grumbled as they entered through the invisible passage.

Inside was-

_Shadow__ Temple__… Here is gathered Hyrules bloody history of greed and hatred…_

Anyway, inside the room was a single ReDead and two Keese. With the Sun's Song the ReDead was paralyzed and the group butchered the lot of them. "It's a map of the temple!" Navi exclaimed. "Let's take a look at it."

Barinade examined the piece of paper. "I, BARINADE, find no need of having this paper with lines all over it. My mind I s far superior to yours and can memorize the layout."

"This place is huge!" Link exclaimed.

"I, BARINADE, want to see the map."

Outside of that room, they continued on to-

_What is hidden in the darkness… Tricks full of ill will… You can't see the way forward…_

"Silly voice, Tricks are for kids!" Link told the disembodied voice. He was met with silence.

"I hope that gets them to shut up already," Volvagia growled. "I grow tired of their useless babble."

Link held the Lens of Truth to his eyes, pointing them in the right direction. "There's a door through here." They entered to find six white, sickly, diseased hands sticking up from the floor. "I remember this…"

"I don't," King Dodongo said.

"You weren't there," Navi said. "Me and Link went into the well and met Bongo Bongo, Link gave him his hacksaw back, and seven years later here we are. Blame Link."

Link walked close to a hand which lunged, but he stayed a millimetre out of its range. "Ha ha, you can't get me this time!"

Dead Hand emerged behind Link and locked its jaw around his head, flinging the Hero of Time across the room. It dove back underground as Volvagia swooped at it, evading the attack. The dragon crashed into the wall, injuring Link due to their impact being in an identical part of the universe. In other words: Volvagia missed and crashed into Link.

In unison, Barinade smashed all of the arms to pieces and Gohma slammed into the ground. Dead Hand was ejected from the ground and grabbed by King Dodongo. Morpha bounced into Dead Hand's mouth and the monster choked to death.

"Teamwork, it makes murdering others ten times easier," Gohma proclaimed proudly as it grabbed the Hover Boots.

-Lost Woods-

Cojiro randomly crowed very loudly. "My ears! They… aren't in very much pain, actually," Phantom said.

"Quiet you. This Cucco has been silent since I pushed the previous owner into the well and filled it with nitroglycerin, but now it's getting very hyperactive. Phantom, smother it," Sheik said.

"Am I here to be the muscle or something?" Phantom asked, looking down at Sheik from his horse.

"Well you're the dark being that can blast lightning and warp through reality on some magic horse, so I think that you'd be a bit stronger than I am," Sheik answered with heavy sarcasm. Cojiro jumped from Sheik's hand and began to run through the forest. "Get back here you feathered turd monkey!"

"Feathered turd monkey?"

"Didn't I tell you to shut up earlier?"

Sheik and Phantom gave chase to the frantic Cucco, following it deeper into the Lost Woods. It managed to evade Muffinfoot, Phantom's horse, and outsmarted Sheik during a trap. Phantom tried to dive-bomb the irritating bird but got stuck in a Moblin's ass when Cojiro dropkicked him in the face and sent the spirit off course.

With a poof of smoke, Sheik appeared in front of Cojiro. "No where to run!"

Phantom was behind Cojiro in an instant. "No where to hide!"

Cojiro climbed onto the horse and rode off, trampling Sheik. "I hate this bird so much…"

The Cucco was found running up to a pale, frail looking young man. "Cojiro! What are you doing here?"

"We brought him," Sheik grumbled, rubbing a hoof print off of his face.

"Cojiro can only be tamed by a nice guy like me… Which means… You must be a nice guy! Must me! You must be! Please Mr. Nice Guy, please! Deliver this stuff to the old hag in the potion ship in Kakariko Village! It will disappear if you take too long, so you gotta hurry!"

"We could just be assholes who killed your sister and happened to be in the Lost Woods," Phantom said.

"Nah, I get the feeling that I can trust you."

"Your feelings have misled you," Sheik said. "I'll do it anyway though, hand me the stuff."

"Sheik got an Odd Mushroom! A fresh mushroom like this is sure to spoil quickly! Take it to the Kakariko Potion Ship, quickly!"

"Who said that?" Sheik growled, looking around frantically. When he found nothing, he turned to Phantom. "This is what you're here for." He gave him the mushroom. "RUN."

"Bah." Phantom boarded his horse and galloped off toward the forest's exit. Sheik nodded, satisfied.

"I love being me." With that, he followed Phantom.

From behind a stump, a chuckle emerged. "Fools, while they are running around aimlessly doing menial tasks, I am gaining power, enough power to get my revenge for what they had me suffer through earlier. No mercy will be shown when the time comes…"

"Who's that?" the guy asked.

"I'M NAVY! I mean, erm, DIE!"

-Shadow Temple-

"MUMMIES!" Gohma screamed, backing up. It tried to run but smashed its face off of the door.

"Gohma, are you afraid of mummies?" Navi asked.

"Nah, I just wanted to screw with you." Gohma ate a Gibdo. "Tastes like bread."

Across the hallway was a room filled with silver rupees, wooden blocks, and two massive spinning scythes orbiting the room. "Who the fuck made this room?" Link screamed, unknowingly sliding into the path of the scythe blade thanks to the hover boots…

-Lost Woods-

"Okay, so we have to bring this Grog guy the potion that that person made for him?" Phantom asked, confirming their objective with Sheik.

"Why did you randomly ask me that when we entered the Lost Woods?" Sheik asked. "We've been traveling for over an hour and you knew the whole time!"

The duo entered the clearing from earlier only to find the young Kokiri girl Fado instead of the older Hylian male Grog that they were looking for.

"That guy isn't here anymore," she said.

"Damn, what happened?" Sheik asked.

"He's over there." They turned to see Grog splattered across a quarter of the forest. "I never knew that anyone had so much blood, but then I came over here and saw this."

"Your species is weird," her fairy said. "You bleed this red stuff, but we-"

"I don't care what your species bleeds," Sheik said. "It will only scare me, I know it. So now what do we do with this potion thingy?"

"That thing is made of forest mushrooms. Give it back!"

"Can I have that saw you're holding?"

-Shadow Temple-

Many guillotine blades were routinely falling from the ceiling in the hallway. "Who… WHY?" Link screamed.

_Why not?_

"At least it isn't some weird indecipherable phrase," Volvagia hissed. In the next room a Wallmaster jumped from the ceiling and landed on King Dodongo.

"Let go of me or die," King Dodongo growled. The Wallmaster whimpered and jumped back to the ceiling.

Link looked around the room that they were in. It was a large pit with some platforms and a platform that was chained to the ceiling and changing height periodically. Several guillotines were rapidly slicing air. "Who the hell made this place and how much time did they have on their hands?"

_Tons of time. A lot._

Link did a stretch and took a running jump, clearing the first gap. A random Red Bubble jumped out of the abyss, bounced once, and then descended again. "That was pointless," Gohma said.

"This place is practically made for me!" Morpha exclaimed, looking at all of the jumping gaps. "With my supreme bouncing skills, these jumps are no match for my supreme bouncing skills!"

"Go ahead."

"Fear my strength!" Morpha missed the jump and fell into the pit. "I regret nothing…!" Volvagia went to retrieve him.

"We have a lot of setbacks, don't we?"

"That's because we suck, Navi," King Dodongo announced. "Well, 'we' not including myself." A Stalfos jumped from the ground and attacked King Dodongo. He slipped into the pit when he jumped back to avoid it, landing on Volvagia. Volvagia screamed in anger and began yelling.

Barinade defeated the Stalfos with his Megaton Hammer. "I love myself."

-Gerudo Valley-

"Is this your saw?" Sheik asked the head carpenter.

"Hey, that saw! It's mine!"

"I will take that as a yes."

"I thought I left it with my old lady… Oh well."

"You own an old lady? Didn't they abolish slavery a few hundred years ago?" Phantom asked.

"I'm not sure what's up with your flying Ganondorf look-alike but he sure is stupid," the head carpenter said. "Anyway, my Biggoron tool broke, so I was going to Goron City to get it repaired. Your coming here is great timing though, now I don't have to! Will you give me my saw?"

"Can I have that broken Goron's sword you have there for it?" Sheik asked.

"I'm not sure why you'd want this piece of crap, but help yourself…"

-Shadow Temple-

"What's a stone umbrella?" Link asked in regards to the sign they had just read.

"Use the Lens of Truth and found out," Navi said.

"Nah, I have an idea. HEY, VOICES! WHAT'S A STONE UMBRELLA?" King Dodongo roared. When he roars, the room shakes. In fact, a crack appeared on the side of the mountain that the Shadow Temple was in.

_Holy shit, don't yell so loud! I can hear you, please don't yell! My ears are bleeding…_

"Shut up and tell me!"

_I don't… How… Wha?_

"Found it!" King Dodongo turned to see that they had already crossed the chasm of spikes.

-Death Mountain-

"Hey, Biggoron! Stop flailing your arms around and look down here!" Sheik yelled.

"Because of yesterrrrrday's errrrruption, my eyes are irrrrrrrritated," Biggoron groaned. "I can't do anything."

"So you can't fix this sword?"

"There are fine eyedrops in Zorrrrrrrrra's Domain. You will find them if you go to see Kinnnnnnng Zorrrrrrrrra."

After a long trip to Zora's Domain, and then a long trip to Lake Hylia, Sheik and Phantom made their way back to Biggoron via another long trip. It was rather lengthy.

"Rrrrrrealy? You brrrrrrought-"

"I don't want to have to listen to this again, just take them," Sheik said.

Biggoron smashed the bottle that the eyedrops were in and sprinkled the glass and medicine into his eyes. "Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! This is stimulating! It's worrrrrrking grrrrrreat! Come back in a few days, I'll give you this so you won't forrrrrrget. You can get the sworrrrrrd then."

"A few days? Dammit…"

"I'm tired," Phantom gasped, having been the one to run to whole way. "I'm going to sit down for a while…"

-Shadow Temple-

The room had two ReDeads and some invisible spikes that didn't hurt to touch, making their existence completely pointless. Link froze them with the Sun's Song and then Gohma killed both. A chest appeared which contained a blue rupee.

"PRECIOUS!" King Dodongo threw everyone out of the way and grabbed the rupee. "These things have money in them? Link, we must open them all! NO EXCEPTIONS."

"Yes," Link said, thoroughly terrified.

Link grabbed the three silver rupees that were easy to grab, but struggled with the last two. Gomha had to use Siamese Moblin triplets to get the last two.

"Can't we just tear the locks off of the doors, or pick them with the Master Sword?" Morpha asked.

"The Master Sword usually broke, this is our third," Gohma said. Navi turned red and turned to Link.

"You stuck the Master Sword in a lock? Have you no respect for such a sacred relic?" she screamed. "What is wrong with you?"

Link backed up slowly and then ran into the room that had just opened. "It's nothing- what the hell is up with that?" The room had a huge flaming skull structure. "Seriously guys, are you creative or crazy?"

_A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B…_

A Keese charged Link, but he stabbed it through the face. "Why is the door locked? Oh well." Link blew up the skull with a bomb flower because he had bonded with his own normal bombs. Their names were One, Two, Banana, Ajax, Majora, and Nintendo.

After sedating Navi, the group consisting of Link, Navi, Gohma, Barinade, King Dodongo, Morpha, and Volvagia entered a curving hallway filled with fans that were powerful enough to send King Dodongo flying across the room. "These fans are strong enough to send _me _flying across the room!" King Dodongo growled.

"That has been established," Link said.

"No it hasn't!"

Link put on the iron boots. "It can't blow me away if I wear these!"

"Why do we jump around so much? Our conversations are short, they just comment on the situation with these stupid comments that seem to add some kind of humour value, solve the problem with ease af-" He was blown into the wall again by an incredibly powerful gust of wind.

And so, Link walked forward into the wind with all of the bosses holding onto him in various ways. Link was pretty sure that he felt bones dislocate, but he kept walking because things like that are irrelevant. Link kept walking blindly due to Navi holding onto his face, and he fell straight into the next pit.


	31. The Shadow Temple

_Published September 30, 2009_

**The Shadow Temple**

Volvagia killed the last Gibdo and a chest appeared in the middle of the room, as usual. Link kicked open the chest and took out… a blue rupee. He immediately dropped it and dove to the side as King Dodongo lunged for the money.

"So where's the key?" Navi asked. "The compass says that there's a key in here."

"How does a compass do that?" King Dodongo asked, looking at the large compass that she was holding.

"Maybe it points at the things in the room," Link suggested.

"But if it did that we'd know where they were," Morpha told him.

Link nodded. "Unless you don't know where it is, then you wouldn't know where it was when it was pointed at the thing that you don't know the location of despite it pointing right at it."

"Of course, not knowing where it is _would_ stop you from figuring out the location," King Dodongo added.

"It's pointing at it," Volvagia hissed. "How would you possibly not know?"

"Our brains are not capable of comprehending where it is that the compass is pointing, and even though we know that it is pointing at something in this room we don't know the location of the something in this room that it is pointing at even though it is pointing at something in this room, for you do not know," Link explained.

"So it's like not knowing where it is, but knowing that it's there because it's being pointed directly at?" Morpha asked, confirming its suspicions.

"You're all idiots," Volvagia concluded.

Gohma ignored their conversation and approached the lock. "I should have done this a long time ago at several varying locations to save plenty of time!" Gohma charged the lock and viciously swiped at it with a strong enough blow to break steel. The moment Gohma came into contact it was electrocuted and launched across the room into a pile of rocks in the corner. A chest with a key in it was contained beneath it.

It was this point that they reached one of the final rooms of the Shadow Temple. Link boarded the massive boat that had a kind of bird's head at the front and wheels on the bottom despite the fact that it was hovering over a black pit. It started moving forward.

"I like boats," Link announced. "The rocking sooths me."

"This is your first time on a boat, dumbass," Navi snapped. "I bet you'll be puking all over the place in sixteen seconds."

"You sure are cynical today," King Dodongo said.

"Where's Bariande?" Link asked, noticing his absence.

"Someone always goes missing," Gohma sighed. "I wonder when it will be my turn to go missing from you lot."

-At the entrance to the room-

Barinade approached the boat's dock. "Okay, I, BARINADE, am done taking a piss so… ASSHOLES! GET BACK HERE!"

-Boat-

"It's a boat!" Link exclaimed.

"No it isn't."

A Stalfos fell from the sky and stabbed King Dodongo. King Dodongo roared and shot a ball of fire at the skeleton. It was charred, but still alive. The Stalfos dodged a swooping attack from Volvagia but was blindsided by the swing of his tail.

Link unsheathed his sword. "Die skeleton thingy!" He charged it from behind and stabbed it through the chest. This did very little due to the lack of internal organs. The Stalfos elbowed Link back and then turned to face our hero. It swung and Link parried the blow, deflecting it to the side and decapitating the monster. He threw the parts off of the ship. "Hell yeah, I killed one!"

A second Stalfos also fell from the sky. Barinade followed from the sky and threw it off of the ship. "I AM BARINADE! And you are all a bunch of assholes!" Barinade yelled.

The ship stopped moving and began to shake. "Abandon ship!" Navi yelled, staying stationary due to her flying and having absolutely nothing to worry about. Link, Gohma, King Dodongo, Bariande, and Morpha all jumped off as the ship fell into the darkness.

"That was close!" Link said, relieved. The Stalfos jumped behind him and punched Link in the back of the head. It had been thrown into the safe zone.

Gohma tried to eat the Stalfos but it sacrificed its shield for life, throwing the disk into Gohma's mouth. The Stalfos back flipped out of harm's way, staring down the competition. Morpha looked around for a source of water but was unable to find anything. "I have some!" Link exclaimed after Morpha announced this and took out a bottle full of water. "I've been keeping this since Jabu Jabu, and this is where it becomes useful." He poured it on the floor.

"This is…"

"Completely useless?" Navi finished questioningly.

"No, the most useful thing ever!" Morpha happily yelled, hopping into the small puddle. "Time to kick ass!" The puddle turned into a disk and sliced straight through the Stalfos repeatedly, destroying it completely. "See why I am strong? It's because of that!"

"Throwing water?"

"Shut up arachnid."

"There's bombs at the base of that tower," Link said. "You guys think I should shoot them?"

"Go ahead," everyone replied simultaneously. Link shot the bombs and the tower fell, crashing to the ground and nearly taking out Morpha. The door was found to be locked, so they went another way after Morpha cursed Link's name.

Link entered the next room to see several Floormasters. One charged at him but stopped just before reaching him. Link took out the Lens of Truth. "Hey, there's invisible walls all over the place!" He looked at the Floormaster and stabbed it through the wall. "That was easy."

The next room had three rotating skull jars the size of Barinade.

_Yeah, we were kind of high when designing most of these rooms. They may be a bit weird._

"A _bit?_ There's three rotating skull jars!" Link yelled.

"Link, must you keep arguing with the voices?" Navi asked. "Stop pissing people off, it's that which caused this whole Bongo Bongo situation in the first place."

The jars were destroyed and King Dodongo found many rupees inside. He was very happy, but was confused upon noticing a revealed golden skulltula. "Another one of these, eh? I think that I should sell it for some cash, people like gold after all."

"I don't," Link said. "I like green."

"Is that why you're still wearing the Goron's tunic?"

Link looked down at his red clothing. "Oh yeah, I'm still wearing this one. Well maybe I like red too."

Meanwhile Gohma, Navi and Volvagia were all talking. "Isn't it weird that we're nearly in the deepest parts of the temple, but we haven't encountered Impa yet? Maybe she's already reached Bongo Bongo," Navi said.

"I got the boss key!" Link yelled, pushing a ReDead out of the way and showing the large key.

"Well we have the boss key, so how would she have gotten in?" Gohma asked.

"Darunia got in without unlocking my door," Volvagia hissed. "It's some almighty Sage ability, open locked doors without the key. If I were a Sage I'd demand a refund and buy a new ability, like blowing up people's heads with my mind." Navi and Gohma stared at him. "I'm allowed to dream."

The ReDead got up and screamed, paralyzing everyone. "Why didn't you stab it when it was down?" Navi managed to say as it approached Link.

"I didn't know that they could stand up." The ReDead hugged Link, crushing him in its grip. "Help!" he wheezed out before losing the rest of his oxygen. Link passed out, several cracks being heard from his chest.

-The last room-

"I can't believe that the ReDead cracked all the pogs I keep in my chest pocket!" Link groaned.

"You don't have pogs, those were your ribs," Gohma said. "Surviving took extensive surgery. We gave you one of Volvagia's ribs."

"Yeah, great job with that," Link said dully as he pulled up his shirt to reveal a rib diagonally duct taped to his chest.

"We did the best that we could under such short notice!" King Dodongo exclaimed. "We nearly lost Navi in there!"

"That's because _you _sat on me!" Navi screeched. "The stench of your ass almost killed me! What crawled up there and died anyway?!"

"Oh, you don't want to know the answer to that question," King Dodongo said. "Let's just say that I'm no longer welcome at the circus… Poor Phillip, never stood a chance…."

"I retract my question."

"A wise choice, a very wise choice."

"Indeed."

"Quite."

"It is so."

"I agree."

"Mhmm."

"Hmm."

"Hmmmm…"

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…"

"Moving on," Gohma loudly announced. "There appears to be no floor in this room."

Link held the Lens of Truth to his right eye. "Yes there is! There's a lot of floor, it's an illusion."

"Well that's no problem then," Barinade said, walking forward. He stepped into the pit, and fell straight down with no floor below him like Link had led him to believe. As he fell he yelped and hit the ground a few seconds later. "DAMMIT LINK there's no floor! And I, BARINADE, am in lying undignified in a pit!"

"There's only floor in certain places," Link said to him. "My bad!"

"MORPHA BOUNCE!" Morpha yelled. Everyone stared at the unmoving blob. "Someone throw me!" Gohma kicked it across the room, crashing into the boss door. "I said throw!"

"And I did not want to comply," Gohma said. "Listen, those that can fly just fly across the room. Those that can't, follow Link."

"HELP ME, BARINADE!"

"And I will go get Barinade out of there."

Link hopped to the first platform. "It's thin, so land right behind me," he ordered.

"Uh, okay," King Dodongo stuttered, feeling the thin platform between two of his claws. "I don't think that this will work out too well for me."

"Nonsense, why wouldn't it?"

"BARINADE'S REVENGE!" Barinade screamed, landing on the thin thing in front of Link. With a spinning kick the tentacle knocked him off of the platform and into the darkness below. "Someday we will have an extended rematch, but today is probably not the best time. Let us go!" He leaped across the black pit with one jump, landing over Morpha.

"Holy crap, too close for comfort!"

"So, let me get this straight," Navi began irritably. "You want to have a rematch with Link some time in the future."

"Yes."

"Now would be inconvenient due to the hectic situation and the fact that we need to defeat Bongo Bongo."

"Yessum."

"And so you hit Link into an incredibly deep pit in order to hold off your bloodlust for now, incapacitating him."

"I'm beginning to see where my plan went wrong."

"You should be at this point."

-After a short break to heal more of Link's wounds-

The boss door opened with a resonating crash, rising into the wall. Inside was a small room that had a deep pit in the middle of it. "You think we should jump?" Link asked.

"Send a flyer down first," Navi said. "I'm looking at you Volvagia."

"Sending me to take care of the problems, hmm?" Volvagia hissed, an amused look appearing on his face. "Ah well, it is probably a good idea to send one as skilled as I to check the situation at-"

"Just go," King Dodongo said, stomping Volvagia out of the air and straight into the hole. Volvagia landed at the bottom with a crash.

"The point of sending him was so that he would _not _crash at the bottom, seriously hurt," Navi sighed. "I'll go next."

The blue fairy floated down the long hole, seeing something pale and white at the bottom that had a groaning Volvagia lying on it. She entered the room at the bottom, discovering that the platform was a massive bongo. "A bongo while searching for Bongo Bongo. Something tells m-"

A gigantic fist struck the drum, bouncing Volvagia into the air suddenly and into Navi. "Fairy, what are you doing here?" he hissed.

"BIG THING BIG THING!"

A second disembodied hand grabbed Volvagia around the neck, hitting him into the ceiling and then throwing him to the drum. The other fist hit the drum, launching the dragon into the air before the first fist punched him out and into the wall. He slumped to the ground, dazed. "Preeeetty puppets in the Merry-Go-Round," he sang.

"Get up get up get up get up!" Navi slapped him in the face repeatedly. "Get a hold of yourself!"

Volvagia grabbed his own tail. "There, I'ma holding myself," he said, still out of it. Navi punched his testicles. "OW, I'm okay now! Get away from… how did you find those?"

The hand came again, but this time Volvagia shot fire at it. He flew into the air and attacked the hand again, but was grabbed by the tail with the other hand. "We need back up!" he growled, using more fire. "Get everyone!"

"I'll get Gohma."


	32. Bongo Bongo

_Published October 4, 2009_

**Bongo Bongo**

"Dammit mom, it isn't a pet! It's a hostage!" Ganondorf snapped at Kotake. "And this is _my _castle in the first place!"

"I resent being an 'it'," Gate said.

"Quiet or I revoke your Sudoku privileges," Ganondorf growled before facing one of his sibling mothers again. "I'll play along with him being a pet for a minute, okay? I am allowed to have pets in my own home."

"You have _too many _pets," Kotake said. "According to the Hyrule Pet Control Office, you are only allowed one pet per every twenty square metres that your lot takes up. This is your 9642nd pet, that's way over the limit!"

"Those are not pets! THEY ARE MINIONS!"

"DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME YOUNG MAN!"

"Fine, sorry. Wait, I killed everyone, how is the HPCO still operating? This is a monarchy, I should kill them all! ALL I SAY!" Ganondorf screamed into the air.

"What's all this yelling?" Koume asked, entering the room on her broomstick.

"Mom thinks that my hostage fairy is a pet and is telling me to get rid of it," Ganondorf said.

"You know the rules Ganondorf, you should listen to your mom."

"Mother! Dammit, why do I even let you two in here?"

"As an illegal pet I should be released into the CHOCOLATY wild," Gate proclaimed.

"As an illegal pet you will be put to sleep before being killed by public beheading," Kotake said.

"Ganondorf, convince them I'm not a pet!"

"I'm working on it you talking light bulb."

-Shadow Temple-

Navi grabbed onto the pit's edge, pulling herself up. "Guys," she panted. "Volvagia… help… flying hands…"

"What's wrong Navi?" Link asked.

"Volvagia…"

"Volvagia's in trouble?"

"He's down there…"

"Volvagia's stuck in the well?!"

"Lick my ass. Just go help him guys!"

Link stretched his legs and hopped into the pit. "YIPPEEEE!" He crashed onto the drum and bounced back up the hole, crashing into the incoming Barinade at full speed. He found himself somehow inside of Barinade, in a blue void filled with flashing green lights. Barinade then spat him out.

"You nearly choked me!" he screeched as the two fell.

"I no longer fear death," Link droned monotonously.

King Dodongo crashed through them like a meteor, hitting the drum and breaking his head through the top layer. The lizard struggled to get out but was too far in to escape from the bongo's clutches.

Once everyone was down they ignored King Dodongo and looked around for Volvagia and the hands. "It's really quiet," Gohma grunted.

Volvagia was dropped from the sky, and a hand slammed the bongo. A second hand lowered from where Volvagia had fallen from and also pounded the bongo, though this one was hard enough to make everyone except King Dodongo bounce.

"What's going on?" No one said anything. "Hello?!"

"Hi," Link greeted.

Bongo Bongo faded into their sight, his single eye staring them down. "You've all come so far. I'll give you credit, you have some skill, but I was sealed instead of killed for a reason. Prepare to experience the most pain you've ever felt before the inevitable death!"

**Bongo Bongo  
**_Phantom Shadow Beast  
_Species: …I like turtles  
Hobbies: Beating his bongo  
Likes: Kicking ass  
Dislikes: Various sources of water

"Credit? Inevitable?! FELT?! What the hell are you talking about?" Link asked fearfully.

"You're honestly more scared of the bi- the words than the bloody, Cyclops, pale skinned monster before you?" Bongo Bongo asked, blinking a few times.

"Is a Cyclops a type of one eyed monster?"

"This conversation is just going to go on and on, so I'm just going to skip to kicking your ass, okay?"

"I don't like the sound-"

Bongo Bongo punched Link across the room, the Hero of Time rolling to a stop at the edge of the bongo. Bongo Bongo's body faded into invisibility, leaving the hands the only visible parts.

"Lens of Truth!" Gohma ordered. Link took it out and held it to his eye.

"I can see him!" he exclaimed, standing there silently for a moment. "How does that help us again?"

Bongo Bongo hit the drum, bouncing everyone into the air. Barinade grabbed the unconscious Volvagia and began to climb up to the roof to bring him through the hole into the previous area. As everyone fell back to the drum Bongo Bongo swung an open palm across the surface, getting Link, Gohma, and Morpha and smashing them into the wall. The three fell into the small pond surrounding the arena. "This water is very green," Link said as they stood ankle deep in it. "It kind of hurts. That's bad, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is."

"This water is terrible!" Morpha snarled. "It's low quality, has unbalanced properties, and feels more like slime than water. I wouldn't fight with this if my life depended on it!"

It was Navi versus Bongo Bongo. Both hands loomed over her. "Well, I had a good run."

Barinade dropped from the hole, crashing onto one of the hands. "I, BARINADE, am so intelligent! I will break the fingers and make the hands unusable!"

The fingers all bent backwards and grabbed Barinade with the backs. It picked him up and slammed the anemone into the ceiling, knocking him unconscious. As Link and Gohma climbed back onto the drum the hands began to beat the instrument.

"Just like the good ol' days, eh?" Link nudged Gohma who growled lightly.

"Dammit this drumming is getting annoying, we're bouncing around too much!" Gohma growled as they dodged a fist.

"I got it!" Link put on the hover boots, now staying in the air for an extra half second every beat. "And that… does absolutely nothing helpful."

Bongo Bongo grabbed Link as he was distracted, crushing him. "Ugly, am I? Well I'll show you ugly! When I'm done with you you'll just be a hideous crunched up pile of flesh!"

"If he's dead he can't see it," King Dodongo said, still stuck.

"That was an over-dramatic way of saying 'I'm going to kill you' you ass," Bongo Bongo snapped before throwing Link full speed at the dinosaur. The impact dislodged King Dodongo.

"Why not just kill him outright instead of making things over-dramatic?" King Dodongo asked, shaking some paper out of his ears.

"Because I'm- Shut up!" Bongo Bongo tried to grab King Dodongo but he curled up and rolled straight at the invisible beast. Bongo Bongo grappled with him and began to push back.

"Now's our chance!" Gohma declared, charging the hands from one side while Link attacked from the other.

"Wee!" Link yelled as he stabbed through the hand.

"BITCH!" King Dodongo screamed, the Master Sword sticking straight through the hand and deep into his skin. "YOU ASSHOLE!"

"My bad…"

Gohma sighed, shaking its head as King Dodongo was easily thrown back and Bongo Bongo began to try to shake out the Master Sword.

"Can I have that back?" Link asked, trying to grab the blade.

"No." He was backhanded into the still form of Barinade.

Navi sighed, taking a look at the status of their team. Gohma was still fighting, Link was stuck in Barinade's tentacles, Barinade and Volvagia were out cold, King Dodongo was wounded, and Morpha was stuck in the water to the side. "We suck."

"Badly." Bongo Bongo grabbed her out of the air. "Now what shall I do with you…?"

"Hey, don't grab Navi!" Link protested as he threw the last tentacle to the side. "She's small and fragile, too much pressure could break her! Then I have to get Gate again!"

"We're not getting Gate again," King Dodongo hissed.

"No one can hiss but I!" Volvagia hissed, descending from the hole in the ceiling. "Wow, you guys are really getting beaten."

"You lost first," King Dodongo mumbled.

"I was in a one on one situation."

"You wanna start something?!"

"I'm ready to finish something…" The two glared at each other, daring the other to move first.

"Shouldn't we help Navi?" Link asked, pointing at the struggling fairy.

"This is more important," King Dodongo told him. "The big dragons are discussing their life-long rivalry while planning to brutally murder the other."

"I HATE YOU ALL!" Navi gasped, running out of breath.

Gohma jumped between the two bickering dragons. "Look, you two have a very long history together. You've argued endlessly in the past, and your hatred will probably never end."

"HELP!" Navi choked.

"One minute. I understand that you will never truly like each other, even remotely. This doesn't mean that you can't cooperate for a greater cause, this doesn't mean that you can't throw aside your rivalry, even for a moment, for the greater good."

"Save me," Navi mumbled, fading in and out of consciousness.

"Be patient. At the moment we're fighting a stronger enemy, one who can easily defeat all of us and has proven this. We won't be able to survive if we're busy fighting against each other during this, it'll just make things harder."

"Navi's not moving," Link pointed out.

"Shut up Link I don't need two interrupters. You two need to pretend that you don't know each other for a while pretend that there's no history so that you can work with one another even just temporarily so that we can pull through and beat this guy!"

"I'm just gonna go help Navi, wish me luck…"

"That's nice. After all this is over you can slit each other's throat in their sleep for all I care. You can eviscerate their children and brutally murder all that they care for. But do that later, right now we need to work together."

Link shot an arrow at the hand with Navi in it, but it moved and the arrow stuck harmlessly into Bongo Bongo's main body. The hand slammed down where he was, but Link jumped to the side. It slid across the ground after him and Link hopped over it, shooting at the fingers as it passed by causing a release reflex, freeing Navi. The other hand came back around and grabbed Link, putting him in the exact same position.

"So are you two going to work together, even if just for this?"

"Hell no."

"He can lick my shit."

"You guys are asshole!" Gohma turned to see Link and Navi caught in one hand as the other tapped the rim of the drum impatiently. "When did this happen?"

-Outside-

"So after all that we still have to wait a few days?" Phantom asked Sheik.

"Yes," Sheik confirmed. "We established that at Death Mountain, why are you asking again right as we get to the Shadow Temple?"

"I just had this feeling that I have to confirm it," Phantom said, staring off into space for a moment.

Sheik nodded slowly. "That's… normal. Moving on, let's see if they've killed Bongo Bongo yet."

"Or converted him," Phantom reminded. "All the big enemies have been converted to our side so far."

"Yes, that's pretty weird. And stupid. Why are you guys on this side again?"

"Well Ganondorf tried to kill me after I failed," Phantom said. "Gohma has nothing better to do, King Dodongo is doing it out of the goodness of his heart, Barinade was evicted from Jabu Jabu, Volvagia feels betrayed, and Morpha kind of just got pulled along."

"I don't care. Let's go in."

-The boss room-

"Get off!" Bongo Bongo ordered, trying to grab Gohma as it ran across his back.

"Only once I find out where the top of you leads!" Gohma said, avoiding the hand that was after it.

"Ow, my back," Barinade grumbled, as it stood up. "Are we still alive?"

"Yes!" Volvagia hissed before shooting fire at Bongo Bongo's eye. He quickly closed the eye and swung at the dragon. Link randomly fired an arrow, hitting Gohma in the eye. Gohma fell to the ground, stunned.

"My bad!"

Now able to use both hands, Bongo Bongo smashed the drum as hard as he could, hitting everyone on the ground into the air.

"Bongo Charge!" Bongo Bongo charged across the arena, crashing everyone into the wall.

"This is boring! I'm bored!" Morpha cried out from the water, watching the battle. "Someone win!"

"Working on it!" everyone from both sides snapped.

"Try harder."

"Is that thing always annoying?" Bongo Bongo asked as both sides stood opposite of each other, taking a breather.

"I resent being a 'thing'!" Morpha declared.

"Yes," Gohma said. "Though like Link we keep him around because he's helpful sometimes."

"I'm promoted to helpful? Sweet!" Link did a little dance until Gohma punched him.

Morpha was contemplating using the water as this happened. "If I don't use the water I'll be useless to the group, but if I use it I'll be degrading myself to using such terrible liquids that I can't even call water."

"Oh that's not water," Bongo Bongo said. "That's where I piss."

The room went quiet. Morpha was still for a second but then instantly reacted. "GET ME OUT OF HERE! EW EW EW EW EW EW EEWWWWWWW!"

"In fact, it's been there since before I was sealed years ago," Bongo Bongo added, reminiscing. "That hole up there was the toilet; I just put this drum down here a few minutes before you got here so that I could have the enjoyment of throwing you in my urine."

Link reached over the edge to pull Morpha up. Bongo Bongo hit the drum once and Link fell in front first. "I'm such an ass sometimes."

"Okay, now I'm pissed!" Morpha screamed as the two were finally pulled up. "Prepare yourself for the hugest ass-beating that you'll ever experience! You have angered the great Morpha and will now suffer the consequences! Could someone throw me at him?"

"Sure." Barinade threw Morpha up into the air and hit him straight at Bongo Bongo with the Megaton Hammer. Morpha hit him in the collarbone and fell to the drum.

"Ha, now there's a bit of your own piss on you! How do you feel about _that_?"

"Mildly annoyed actually."

"My work is done."

"You're fucking pathetic!" Navi yelled from across the arena.

"Break over!" Bongo Bongo punched Volvagia in the jaw and grabbed King Dodongo's mouth, throwing him at Barinade. He pounded the drum but Gohma had lunged, grabbing his bicep and clawing at the invisible arm. Bongo Bongo hit the arm into the wall while his hands continued their attack.

Link fired several arrows, none hitting either of the hands. "I only have one arrow!" he said, holding the last arrow. "Wait a minute… fire arrows!" Link put the arrow in the bow and pulled back, using magic to cover it in flaming magic. "Come on, hit!" Bongo Bongo hit the drum, hitting him into the air and shooting the arrow into King Dodongo's ear.

"STOP HURTING ME!" King Dodongo roared, shaking his head rapidly in an attempt to dislodge the arrow. Link walked over and pulled the perfectly fine arrow out.

"Awesome, I can fire it again!"

"YOU JUST SHOT FIRE MAGIC INTO MY EAR!"

"Yeah, wasn't that a funny blooper?"

"I- YOU- AH!"

While Bongo Bongo was occupied by the bosses Link pulled the arrow back again, covering it with fire once more. "Take two!" He released it.

The arrow flew through the air and everyone stopped to watch it as it flew at near unstoppable speeds toward Bongo Bongo. Link held his breath for the full 0.2 seconds that it was in the air.

It slid right under Bongo Bongo's fingernail.

"GAH!" Bongo Bongo grasped his finger as the arrowhead dug into him. "Ow ow ow ow ow OW OW OW OOOOWWWWWW! THAT HURTS!" He pulled his other fist back and crushed Link against the drum. Bongo Bongo opened his eye, bringing both hands right up to it. He watched closely, reaching over to the arrow sticking under his fingernail.

"Now!"

Barinade threw the piss soaked Morpha at the shadow beast, hitting Bongo Bongo in the eye. He roared in agony, blinded and in pain as Volvagia and King Dodongo began to attack with fire.

"And this is all because of me!" Link proclaimed heroically, standing up and striking a pose. Bongo Bongo knocked him over again.

Sheik dropped to the ground, followed by Phantom atop his horse. "Why does it smell like piss and shit?" Sheik asked, holding his nose.

"This is my toilet," Bongo Bongo said. "But I'm not sure where the shit part is coming from."

"Sorry about that," Barinade said. "When I heard that this was the toilet I decided to go."

"I don't care anymore," Sheik said. "So I see that Bongo Bongo's still alive."

"Yes, but we're making progress," Link said. "I shot an arrow!"

"DAMMIT!" Bongo Bongo screamed as he pulled the arrow out, flexing the hand. "That's gonna scar."

"That's good and all but have you found Impa? I went through the whole temple and haven't seen her."

Everyone glanced at each other before looking back at Sheik. "We haven't really found her yet," King Dodongo said. "Hey Bongo Bongo, have you seen Impa?"

"No. Now die." Bongo Bongo hit the drum a few times and swept with both arms. Sheik jumped over one and under the other, grabbing on the second as it passed. He let the momentum carry him to the wall and jumped off, delivering a flying missile kick to one hand, breaking multiple bones on contact.

"Well, I feel pathetic," Barinade grumbled.

"We did weaken him a lot," Navi reminded them.

"What do you mean 'we'?" Gohma grumbled, nursing its eye.

Bongo Bongo charged at Sheik full-body, hitting him against a wall. Sheik landed in the 'water', but paused for a minute. "This is the piss, isn't it?" Link nodded. "That's just gross."

Phantom threw a ball of electricity which Bongo Bongo swatted away. As they began their assault with Sheik and Phantom added, Link grabbed the slivers of his arrow and tried to put them back together. "This goes there… That part used to be there I think…" He eventually duct taped it back together, resulting in a bent and broken arrow. "And go!" He set it aflame again and fired. The arrow spun to the side and hit Phantom's horse. It screeched loudly and galloped forwards, crashing head first into Bongo Bongo.

Bongo Bongo was hit against the wall by the force and randomly swung his hand, hitting the Megaton Hammer out of Barinade's grip. "The precious!" He dove for it but tripped over King Dodongo, falling onto Gohma. Gohma threw him off and at Volvagia who was about to shoot some fire. When they collided the fire was misdirected and hit Navi.

"Ow…"

"This has been going on long enough!" Gohma declared. "GOHMA PUNCH!" As Bongo Bongo was pushing Phantom away Gohma rose up on its tail and crashed down on Bongo Bongo's eye.

Bongo Bongo yelled out in pain, falling to the drum. He struggled to get up and fight back, but ended up falling limply again. "I can't fight any longer," he groaned. "This is just taking too much energy."

"So we win?" Link asked.

"Sure, why not."

"Yay!"


	33. Flash from the Past

_Published October 15, 2009_

**Flash from the Past**

"That's good and all, but we still don't know where Impa is," Sheik told the celebrating group. A circle of light appeared in the middle of the drum.

"Perhaps this Impa person is in there," Bongo Bongo suggested weakly.

"You shut up." King Dodongo kicked him in the eye. "Let's go anyway."

"It obviously leads to Impa," Gohma said. "It always goes to the sage."

"Always?"

"Always."

"_Always_…?"

"ALWAYS KINGY, ALWAYS!"

"Don't call me Kingy!" King Dodongo snapped, turning and walking into the light. Gohma chuckled slightly and followed, disappearing as well.

Sheik backed up slightly. "And this is where I leave. I'll trust that you can handle the Spirit Temple, so once you are done that…" Sheik paused for a moment. "Okay I don't trust you at all and I'll probably go there too."

"Really?"

"Yes Link, really."

"Really _really?_"

"Don't go there Link! I'm gone." He threw a Deku Nut down and disappeared with a flash. Link and the others began to enter the portal when Sheik dropped down from the hole in the roof again. "By the way, get the sword from Biggoron in a few days. Get it before the Spirit Temple!" He threw a second Deku Nut and disappeared once more.

"Let's go before he comes back," Phantom said.

"You don't like him very much, do you?" Link asked.

"No, I'm completely in love with him," Phantom answered sarcastically. "In fact, I want to leave like I hate the guy for having me run across the country repeatedly and having no time for breaks, driving me like a fucking slave… but I secretly love him. Yup."

"Oh… So are you going to tell him soon?"

Phantom picked up Link and threw him into the light before following through. "Just us left," Volvagia hissed to Morpha and Barinade. "Come, let us follow."

"Can I come?" Bongo Bongo asked from the side.

"Screw off," Volvagia replied calmly, entering the light.

"I, BARINADE, will ask the others." Barinade entered the light as well, leaving just Morpha and Bongo Bongo in the chamber. They stared at each other.

"So, nice place…" Bongo Bongo tapped the drum, the vibrations sending Morpha rolling slowly toward the edge. "No no no no NO NO NO!"

-Chamber of the Sages-

"Welcome to the Chamber of the Sages!" Medigoron greeted from below. "Should you like some souvenirs on your way out, please stop by at Medigoron's Sage Stall. Have a nice visit and enjoy yourself!"

From the position of the Sage of Shadows, Impa rose from another light. "The boy with the noble Zelda's ocarina… As I expected, you have come."

"Did you expect us?" King Dodongo asked, the many boss monsters butting in.

"I… No, not really."

"So you're the Sage of Shadow, aren't you?" King Dodongo continued. "I actually expected Sheik until he said that you were the sage, but now it all makes sense."

"Yes," Link said. "She does have a shadow after all."

"Your speaking privileges have been revoked," Navi said. "Continue Impa."

"Thank you fairy. We Sheikah have served the royalty of Hyrule from generation to generation as attendants. However, on that day seven years ago-"

"And four months! Seven years and four months!" Barinade corrected angrily.

"I was rounding it down, but okay. On that day seven years _and four months_ ago, Ganondorf attacked and Hyrule Castle surrendered after a short time… A very short time actually, I was shocked by how quickly we gave in to his demands. He wanted one of the keys to the Sacred Realm…"

"The Kokiri Emerald?! That bastard!" Link yelled.

"N-No! The Ocarina of Time, that key that was at Hyrule Castle at the time! My duty bound me to take Zelda out of Ganondorf's reach."

"So would you have still done that if it wasn't your duty?" Link asked.

"Obviously not. But when I last saw you as we were escaping from Hyrule Castle, you were just a lad… Now I see that you have become a fine hero."

Navi dropped to the ground, laughing hysterically. "That's a great one! You said… he… hero…" Her words quickly became incoherent.

"It's things like this that make me die a little inside every day," Link muttered. "But how is Zelda these days?"

"She is safe for now. Soon you will meet Princess Zelda face-to-face, and she will explain everything as I barely know anything at the moment aside from the basics," Impa explained. "That is when we, the six sages, will seal the Evil King and return peace to Hyrule."

"You still know more than we know," Volvagia hissed. "We are just told where to go, we don't even know the basics."

"Uh, I have to stay here. You go to Princess Zelda's side and protect her on my behalf."

"She's been taking care of herself for seven years and we don't even know where she is. How will we find her?" Gohma asked. "I think that we can just skip ahead to the Spirit Temple and ignore her for now."

"Take the medallion and please leave."

"Don't forget to stop at the gift shop!" Medigoron reminded them. "Prices are as low as they've ever been, now's the best time to spend!"

Darunia began to climb down the side of the platform. "I'm going to save him."

-Graveyard-

"I hate you all so much!" Morpha cried as the group arrived.

"Sorry Morpha, we- Bongo Bongo?"

"He asked me to bring him out here," Bongo Bongo explained to Link, floating next to the entrance of the temple. His body kind of faded away around the waist as it went up. "I figured that I kind of owed it to him after the whole throwing him in my piss part."

"Damn right you did! That was disgusting! I still feel dirty!"

"That's because you're in dirt, idiot," Gohma said. "So shall we head to the Spirit Temple, Link?"

"Wait!" Phantom interrupted. "We still need to get the Biggoron Sword. It'll really help in the fights ahead, I know it."

"That will take days, we should first go-"

"Sun's Song!" Link declared, holding up the ocarina. He played the Sun's Song a few times and they were all now several days in the future.

"Thank you for telling us that you were going to alter time before doing so," Gohma muttered. "Now that we have all lost several days of our lives, let's go and get the new sword."

"I shall come as well," Bongo Bongo announced. "For if this Ganondorf that Morpha told me about is as powerful as he has been led up to be, then I shall assist in the saving-"

"Welcome to the group, yadda yadda, here's your membership card that gets you zero percent off everywhere," Navi said, handing him a random piece of paper.

"Oh joy. Zero percent. What a great thing."

"And why wasn't I told of this discount sooner?!" King Dodongo growled. "This would have saved me millions!"

Gohma poked Navi before she could say anything. "Trust me, he would find a way."

"I'd find it first," Volvagia hissed. The two dragons glared at each other once again.

"Moving on…"

By now most people had become passive to the Hero of Time's large monster group so they were able to ignore their short trip through Kakariko Village and up the side of Death Mountain. "Wait, I have an idea!" Link played the Requiem of Spirit. "Oh of all the times…"

"While we're here, let's just do this place," Barinade grunted, only for Phantom to instantly oppose.

"Oh no no no. We're not getting distracted or we'll forget about it! Link, bring us to Death Mountain!"

Sheik dropped from one of the giant statue's hands. "I am glad to see that you-" They disappeared in a swirl of red sparkles. "…decided to finally come. Damn I'm lonely."

"I made it!" Link cheered as they arrived in Death Mountain. "I'm your face Navi!"

"I- What?"

Phantom picked everyone up and brought them to the spot where Biggoron was waiting. "How did you do that?" Bongo Bongo asked. He never got an answer.

"Hellooooooo. I am finished yourrrrrr sworrrrrrrd," Biggoron told them. He held up a sword that barely looked like a toothpick beside him, but once Link received it the blade was about his height.

"I can't hold this and a shield at the same time!"

"You should havvvvvve planned aheadddddd. Wherrrrrre is my fee?"

"How much?"

"Forrrrrrty sixxxxxx ruppppppees."

-Moments later-

King Dodongo shot a ball of fire at Gohma, blowing it back. He turned sharply, hitting Morpha with his tail into Bongo Bongo's eye, stunning the beast. Link charged with his Biggoron sword only to find King Dodongo blasting more fire at him. "You shall never take my money!" he roared.

"You're the only one able to pay the expenses!" Navi cried as King Dodongo curled up, rolling at the group.

"NEVER!" Gohma dodged and slammed against his side, sending the dragon to the ground in a heap. He recovered quickly, inhaling to shoot another fire ball. Bongo Bongo slammed King Dodongo with his palm, smashing him into the ground. The floor crumbled and everyone immediately fell into a large cavern. It had a pool of lava in the middle and a thin path around the edge. "Hey, it's my old office! That is irrelevant and NOW YOU DIE!"

**King Dodongo  
**_Infernal Dinosaur  
_Species: Dodongo  
Hobbies: Money  
Likes: Cooking Mama  
Dislikes: All who annoy him

He curled again, rolling along the path at the cramped up group.

"Back off a bit, you're in my personal space!" Bongo Bongo snapped.

"If I back off I fall and die," Gohma retorted. "You fly off!"

"I'm going to catch him, you fly off!"

"I'm not going to bother." The two both stopped King Dodongo and threw him back, crashing the dinosaur off of the wall. "Now I'll bother. How the hell would I fly?"

"If I punch you you're going to go flying far!"

"I, BARINADE, want you to stop arguing and focus on King Dodongo!" Barinade snapped, smacking both of them over the head with his hammer.

Link blocked King Dodongo's fire with his shield while the others bickered. King Dodongo swiped at the hero who backed up to avoid being sliced. "Why do I always fight while they argue?!"

Phantom flew over Link and was about to attack when Volvagia grabbed his shoulder. "No, allow me. I've been waiting for this for ages," he hissed. Phantom shrugged nonchalantly and turned to watch Bongo Bongo and Gohma fight. "So, do you think you can finally beat me head on? I do not!"

"You'd like to win this one, wouldn't you? You can't always get what you want. You're going DOWN!" King Dodongo and Volvagia squared off, both roaring and lunging at the other.

An ear splitting scream filled the room, freezing everyone in their spots. A Gibdo trudged into the arena. "Myyyyyyyy offfffficccce! Whooooo are you allllll, and whyyyyyy arrrrrre you herrrrrre?"

"Previous owner, settling a rivalry," King Dodongo said.

"Ohhhh. Carrrrrryyyyyyy on."

The dragons collided, scratching and biting each other viciously. It soon became apparent that this was all they could do to each other and the rest of the group became bored. "Do something else!" Bongo Bongo yelled.

"Our fire doesn't hurt each other, this is all we can do!" Volvagia hissed.

King Dodongo grabbed Volvagia by the throat and threw him at a wall. "Over the years I have been growing steadily stronger. I studied your fighting style and now know what your most crippling weakness is and how-" Volvagia threw Morpha at him, knocking King Dodongo over.

"I am not a ball," Morpha snarled. He then noticed that he was slowly rolling toward the lava. "Someone? Help? I'll let you throw me…"

Volvagia shot fire at King Dodongo's face, temporarily blinding him. He followed up with a tail strike to the face and another tail strike to the back. King Dodongo grabbed Volvagia by the tail on the second strike, swinging him against the wall and then smashing him on the ground.

"I didn't run for a whole day just to see you two claw at each other like a bunch of pansies!" Phantom flew over and threw a ball of electricity at King Dodongo. King Dodongo hit it back, stunning Phantom. King Dodongo began to charge some fire to shoot at him.

Link took out a bomb. 'No no no no no-' He threw it into King Dodongo's mouth. The bomb blew up, and King Dodongo fell into the lava, twitching.

"Will you pay for the sword now?"

"Maybe…"

-Afterwards-

"I hate you all," King Dodongo muttered as they descended from the mountaintop. Link was having fun slashing his new sword through the air while Volvagia glared at Phantom for interrupting their fight.

"It was boring, you guys are only entertaining when you use fire."

"We will have our fight later, when no one is able to interfere," Volvagia hissed to King Dodongo. "You will not be so lucky that time."

"What are you talking about? I was hitting your ass off the floors!"

"It was a confined space and I could not use most of my evasive tactics."

"Excuses, excuses…"

_They shall have their fight eventually, and when they do it shall be as spectacular as two dragons scratching and gnawing at each other can be._


	34. The Final Temple

_Published October 24, 2009_

**The Final Temple**

After a quick teleportation, the gang entered the Spirit Temple for the third and final time. "This is going to be the final time we come in here," Navi declared.

"Pretty butterfly!" Link ran out of the temple, chasing the butterfly.

"PAUL!" Gohma stormed out as well. Seconds later there was an enormous explosion that was followed by both of them screaming, not returning to the temple.

"We should go get them," Volvagia hissed. Navi frowned and sadly floated out of the door with the remaining defeated bosses. They found a cave that looked like it had been blown into existence. Inside was Link, curled up against the cave wall and rocking back and forth.

"The butterfly flew through the hole, so I made the hole bigger with a boom," Link droned, twitching wildly. "We went in, and… in… in… in…"

A wild laugh filled the air as the room became illuminated. It was a Great Fairy's Fountain. "No! Not here!" Navi cried, trying to flee. But it was too late.

"My eyes! They BURN!" Volvagia screamed.

"The eyelids! They do nothing!" Phantom roared before turning and running into a wall.

Bongo Bongo looked at them bleakly. "Come on, she isn't THAT ug- Oh my god that hair has a monster attached to it!"

The Great Fairy laughed cheerfully, assuming that their suffering had started before her arrival. "Now that you all have come, I shall introduce myself. I am the Great Fairy of Magic!" She twirled, a speck of light falling on King Dodongo. He immediately clawed off the whole contaminated area and burned it. "Thank you for coming to my home, I have been rather lonely these past few decades and would love to entertain you all."

"None required!" Navi hastily interrupted. "We're on a journey, we're going to save the world. No time for entertainment, nope, none at all."

"Well that is a shame. Oh well, some things cannot be helped. However, for visiting me, I shall grant you with a magic spell that you will surely find use for on your journey."

Link's head jerked up. "Magic?" He screamed and looked down again upon seeing her.

The Great Fairy pulled a blue prism from mid air and sent it to Link using magic. "This is Nayru's Love, a spell that will create an impenetrable shield around you for a short period of time. As you can tell this will be very helpful in battle. When battle has made you weary, please come back to me. For now, farewell!" The Great Fairy laughed and disappeared back into her inch deep pond, allowing the heroes some breathing space.

"That was terrifying," Phantom gasped as he nursed his forehead.

"I've seen worse," Bongo Bongo said, barely fazed.

"Mirror?" Link was struck by a large, white fist.

Once they exited the cave a Gerudo sprinted in their direction. "Are you okay?! You look a little pale, but no signs of self harm. That's good. I can't believe that you opened the door sealing the Great Fairy!"

"We didn't know, you need to put a stupid sign," Phantom exclaimed.

"We did, the Leevers ate it."

-The Temple of Time-

Ganondorf grinned from his position beside the Pedestal of Time. "That hero will _have _to come back here eventually, and when he does…" He stopped there, his grin growing more menacing.

"Continue…" Ganondorf twitched and then shook Gate's cage. "Hey hey hey! What did I do?!"

"I won't even answer that. And I know you'll ask why I brought you here so I'll tell you now. I want company while I wait, just in case mom and mother get him first and he doesn't even come here. Knowing them mom will forget to tell me that they've killed him."

-Spirit Temple-

Link lifted his shield as the two pots in the entrance hallway flew at him. They crashed and shattered instantly. "I think I'll try out my new sword," Link declared as he took out the Biggoron's Sword. They all retraced their way back to the room full of silver rupees and Link easily grabbed them all with the powers of his Hover Boots.

The many monsters went through the now open doors. "I bet there's liquor in that treasure chest."

Gohma opened it. "It's a key."

"Made of liquor?" Bariande asked, somewhat hopefully.

"No. But feel free to eat it."

A Like Like fell from the sky and began to slowly make its way toward them. "Okay, I bet that even I could beat this thing," Link said, pulling out his uber sword.

-Eleven seconds later-

"I was right." The Like Like exploded into flowers and rainbows as it died, and the group continued their journey.

"There was a locked door in the last room that we can unlock," Navi told them. "Let's go!"

Link nodded and ran back, evading the boulders that rolled across the U shaped room. Bongo Bongo swatted them aside as the bosses followed. He happily unlocked the locked door before walking through it with Navi, Barinade, and Bongo Bongo quickly following. "He's pretty hyper today," Volvagia hissed.

"I think that the Great Fairy may have roofed his adrenaline," Gohma said. It walked over to the door and pushed against it, only for the solid stone to not budge like it should have. "Why won't the door open?"

Though the door, Link was battling a few flying pots as the other three watched. "What kind of things do you all regularly fight?" Bongo Bongo asked.

"I, BARINADE, usually handle anything big and strong. The others are my sidekicks, they deal with those too insignificant for me to deal with," Barinade answered as Link slashed the first pot in half. "Where are the sidekicks?"

"The door won't open!" King Dodongo roared from the other side. The room suddenly shook as the dragon crashed into the door, Link loosing his balance when the whole temple trembled. Outside, one of the hands of the temple broke off.

"Don't do that!" Gohma screamed. "You'll bring down the whole temple!"

"Worth it!" King Dodongo charged the door but was immediately restrained by Volvagia and Morpha.

It was soon decided that the outside group would find another way around the broken door while the inner group would continue into the temple. They didn't have many other options after all. You may wonder why the door does not open. The answer is simple.

"Do you think that cut them off Koume?"

"Yes I do Kotake, yes I do."

Back with the four who made it through, they found themselves in a room with a mirror and some sun symbols on the walls. Sunlight was shining on the mirror. "Gee, I wonder what we do here," Navi sarcastically remarked. "Don't say it Link." Link pouted in the corner. Well, at least until a Floormaster latched onto him and began to claw his face off. Nothing a well placed fist and a revival fairy couldn't handle.

In the main room of the temple, an Armos statue that happened to be directly beside the door attacked almost instantly. Unfortunately for it, it attacked Bongo Bongo. The massive beast picked the terrified statue up by the head. "What is this?"

"Armos statue," Navi explained. "No biggie, kill it."

"If it will not be any future use than I shall-" Barinade smashed it to pieces while he was in the middle of his sentence.

"There is no time for monologues in this business," he said. "Learn this quickly."

Bongo Bongo's eye narrowed. "Do not interrupt my monologues or you shall pay the price. You will feel the pain-"

"There you go again, saying a whole bunch of long, overly complicated crap-"

"My words have more point than yours, pathetic anemone. Should you continue to aggravate…"

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. That's all that I'm paying attention to."

"Die!"

The temple shook again, the statue inside cracking slightly. "Stop doing that!" Navi screamed indignantly.

"Sorry, I slipped!" King Dodongo's voice weakly echoed.

"Idiot," Bongo Bongo muttered. "What were we arguing about?"

"We were arguing?"

"No need to delve into unneeded memories, let's go," Navi snapped.

"Now I remember, you have a problem with my methods!" Bongo Bongo glared at him.

"Oh, right. Your methods suck!"

Navi smashed her forehead off of a wall, only to regret it after doing so. During this, Link had obtained the key to the next room and was doing a little dance in celebration. "You people will be the end of me," she groaned.

"We'd never do such a thing!" Link cried.

"Especially you."

They managed to force the bickering two through a few doors. This time there were three Anubis in the room, and Link happily burned them to ashes with his fire arrows. "I love these things like children," he joyously proclaimed, hugging a fire arrow. This soon turned out to be a bad idea when his arms caught fire. "Pain is love… The burn means it cares… ow…"

Immediately afterwards was a switch surrounded by four statues, several most likely Armos. "We'll need to test them before trying to move them. Barinade, you stand at a distance and shoot-" Bongo Bongo picked up all of the statues, crushing each one once they began squirming. "Why am I even here?"

"All were fake," Bongo Bongo said, pushing the switch so that the nearest door unlocked. Once he lifted his hand from the switch it locked again. "It seems that one of us will have to remain so that the others can continue."

"You can stay," Barinade said, walking over and standing on the switch without noticing. The door opened. "I, BARINADE, have fought and won here before so it makes sense to send me inside."

"That's just laughable. This is a new part of the temple, there are different things so it makes sense to send one who is obviously superior into the fray."

"Let's just go on without them," Navi gasped to Link. "You're an idiot but at least you agree with what I say."

"I resent that."

The next room was full of pillars, and across from Link was a throne that had another Iron Knuckle seated on it. "This one doesn't want to have a sleepover," Navi told Link. "Do not throw things at it. In fact, stab it in the head before it wakes up. Now."

"That isn't nice," Link chided. "We're a guest in its home, so we should be nice and not stab it through the face when it's sleeping… On the other hand, that last one had a wicked swinging arm so I'm just going to go stab it several times now."

The Iron Knuckle, clearly not liking this idea, stood up and held its massive battle axe in both hands, slowly approaching Link. He took out the Biggoron's Sword, preparing for battle.

Bongo Bongo looked around the room as Barinade continued to rant on why he was awesome. "Where are the other two?"

"Hm?" Barinade glanced in both directions… somehow… only to find that they were the only two in that room. "They ditched us! Those bastards!" He stormed to the door, but the metal bars locked it shut. "Stand on the switch!"

"You want me to stand here and hold the door open for you? I'd rather not. How about you stand on the switch and I go in?"

"You're funny."

Inside, Link flipped away from the Iron Knuckle as it swung at him. "Flip and stab, flip and stab. It's a good strategy, but I need better timing," Link said to himself.

"By that you mean to stop stabbing right as it begins attacking, right?"

"Pretty much." Link slid his sword into the Iron Knuckle's ribs, but had to jump back as it swung again. As a result, the Biggoron's Sword was stuck in the still attacking Iron Knuckle. "Dammit, where are my Deku Sticks?!"

"Dinofol stomach," Navi reminded.

Link was unable to retort as the Iron Knuckle attacked again, forcing him back. Link took out the Master Sword, throwing it through the unstoppable force's face. The Iron Knuckle didn't even flinch. "Bullshit! You should be dead!" Link screamed out before charging the Iron Knuckle, punching it in the stomach. All this did was hurt his fist.

The temple shook again, King Dodongo's angered voice echoing through the halls. The Iron Knuckle staggered to the side and fell onto its back, flailing its arms and legs like a downed turtle.

"HA!" The door behind the throne unlocked with the Iron Knuckle's… defeat.


	35. Mirror, Mirror, on the Shield

_Ugh, I feel like shit today... I'm not feeling well so I was playing some games when I remembered that this was done, so here it is! Also, computer problems, so I just put my stories on a different computer. Yay for easy solutions!_

_Published October 28, 2009_

**Mirror, Mirror, on the Shield**

"Why does the path suddenly end?" Link and Navi looked down from the ledge that the door behind the Iron Knuckle had led to, seeing that the hand which used to be there was gone.

"One of King Dodongo's smashes must have knocked it down," Navi said. "That means that if we look down we'll see what was supposed to be there."

Link looked over the edge, only to jump back in surprise as Gohma crawled up the wall. "We've found a way up," it announced, throwing Morpha at their feet as Volvagia and Phantom flew to join them. King Dodongo struggled to follow and eventually managed to somehow get to the top.

"No more crashing into walls, I promise," the dragon king swore. "Where is Barinade? And that other one?"

"Arguing," Navi said. "They really hate each other."

The temple suddenly shook, the statue losing its nose this time. "Wasn't me, I swear!"

"We should stop them before this place breaks," Navi groaned, her temples throbbing from sheer stress.

"Before we go back in, this was on the ground at the bottom," Phantom said as he dangled a treasure chest before them. "Who wants it?"

"ME!" Link grabbed the chest and opened it. "It's so shiny! I can see my own reflection in it!" He paused. "I need a new hairdo."

All of the present bosses crowded around the opened chest to see what was in it. Navi struggled to find an opening in them to look through. "What's in it? Come on, I want to see!"

"It's a shield," Gohma growled. "All this for a stupid shield?"

"It isn't _just _a shield!" Link cried. "It's a shiny shield, a really shiny shield!" He pulled out the red and silver Mirror Shield. "It's so much better than my old one." Link grabbed the Hylian Shield and put the two next to each other, comparing briefly. He threw the Hylian Shield into the desert and hugged the shiny shield that remained.

"I feel ripped off. None of the equipment has gone to me," King Dodongo muttered to himself.

Gohma scoffed at this. "You're not allowed to complain until I get something, I've been here since the beginning!"

"If you think about it, shouldn't Navi get a weapon first?" Phantom asked, though the two promptly ignored him and walked back into the temple.

"Entering for the fifth time," Morpha said, gaining satisfaction from Navi's anguished scream. She flew over and punted him out into the desert. Gohma was sent to retrieve him.

The Iron Knuckle rolled onto its front and managed to rise to its feet, holding its axe in a firm grip. The various monsters entered the door as the Iron Knuckle approached, raising its axe to strike them. King Dodongo kicked it out of the way.

"You don't even have a penis, you're a genderless ocean thing-"

"What the hell are you all talking about?" Navi asked, interrupting Bongo Bongo's tirade. "Did we miss a lot?"

"YOU! How dare you leave me, BARINADE, behind?!"

"Yes, how dare you leave he, BARINADE, behind?"

"Stop doing that!"

"Moving on… Link, use the mirror shield to shine that sunlight on that sun symbol on the wall," Navi instructed.

"Didn't that summon a Wallmaster last time?"

"Just do it."

-Several minutes later-

"Oh COME ON! Were the Shadow Temple voices in charge of construction here?!" Link stared at a climbable wall before him. The segments were sliding back and forth with spikes covering both walls beside it. He pulled out his longshot and pulled himself to the highest segment. "That was easier than I thought it would be."

The group entered a room that was full of enemies. There were half a dozen torch slugs and several falling doors on the walls. Link stabbed all of the slugs with the Biggoron's Sword and observed all the doors. "How many are fake?"

"All I bet," Gohma grunted. "I'll smash them."

Gohma swung at a door, but it ducked to the left. The door jumped at Gohma, spinning at high enough speeds to cut through its shoulder. Gohma snarled and lunged, but the door was too fast and swerved around the powerful attack. Before Gohma could recover from the miss, the door fell on it, mildly bruising the arachnid. Its job done, the door got up and went against the wall again.

"I think that one wasn't real."

"Shut up kingy."

"Why is everyone against me?"

Link walked over to the door, examining it thoroughly. "Gohma, draw the door out a bit. King Dodongo, stand to the left and when it passes by hit it at Bongo Bongo. Bongo Bongo, you have to grab the door and throw it into the fire that is surrounding that treasure chest. Volvagia will then stand on top of it and prevent its escape while it slowly burns to death."

"Or we could bomb it like the other ones," Navi suggested. "You know, the simple way."

"That's too easy. And if Scooby Doo has taught me anything, it's that the easy plans always fail at succeeding. That's why my plan is definitely going to work."

Link took a step back and was crushed by another door.

-After getting the key-

"Now we can fight those witches!" Link exclaimed, holding the key up.

"There's still more temple," Gohma said as it looked to the right, seeing another door.

"Probably just a filler area," Morpha deducted. "Let's ignore it."

"Link already ran in."

"Someone needs to tie that brat up."

The bosses entered the room only to see Link sticking his arm through some bars, straining to reach the boss key. "Through some events that are completely not my fault, I threw the key through here and can't reach it."

"You're hopeless." Gohma began to punch at the bars, but they would not break. "Someone else try it." King Dodongo charged the bars, his impact shaking the temple once again. "Okay not you."

"I, BARINADE, have an idea!" Barinade picked up Morpha in two tentacles.

"What are- AGH!" Barinade squeezed Morpha and shoved him through the bars, the ball plopping on the other side. "You bastard! What the hell asshole?!"

"Grab the key," Barinade ordered.

"I'm a fucking ball, what do you expect me to do? Walk over, pick it up and squeeze back through with my own power?"

"It would be good if you did," King Dodongo interjected. Morpha went silent.

The group reasoned that these rooms would loop around, so they entered the next door. A Lizofol dropped from the ceiling and Link screamed, stabbing it through the chest with his Biggoron's Sword. The lizard died instantly.

"Holy shit, you slaughtered that thing!" Navi cried. "I'm never going to try to scare you again!"

"It was a reflex, I swear. Sorry dead lizard thing, just don't do it again."

Volvagia flew into the next room. "It is a dead end," he hissed.

"Blow up the wall!" Morpha's muffled voice yelled.

"Did you guys hear Morpha?" Phantom asked, looking for the source of the voice.

"I have discovered that we must blow up a section of the wall."

"You're an asshole!"

Link blew up the wall, and another Lizofol dropped from above. Link took out his sword and shield, rammed the shield into its skull repeatedly, stabbed through its chest and lifted it into the air, swung it at a wall, pulled his sword out, decapitated the corpse, and set it aflame with a fire arrow. He paused for a moment. "Sorry, you scared me."

"Finally, there you are!" Morpha snapped from the hallway. "I've been waiting for one hundred, seventy six seconds!"

"It's that like three-"

"No, it isn't. Now grab the key and let's go."

-Outside the boss room-

"This is it, time to fight those witches," Link said as he unlocked the door and walked inside. King Dodongo tried to follow next, but found himself stuck in the very small door.

"It's small!" he growled, struggling to get through.

"That's what she said! A HA HA HA HA H-" King Dodongo kicked Volvagia in the face.

"Barinade said that," Volvagia hissed furiously.

"I don't care!"

Link nodded slowly. "I'm just gonna go ahead now. Have fun!" He turned and began to walk forwards, Navi following close behind. The two went through another door and finally saw the short, bug eyed witches standing with their backs to him. Link took out the Biggoron's Sword. "There you are!"

Neither reacted.

"THERE YOU ARE!"

A light snoring sound reached his ears. Link took out his bow and shot a fire arrow at one of the witches, its flames engulfing her. Surprisingly, she was not fazed at all.

"That's bad, isn't it?"

"Figure it out for yourself."

"Looks like someone is here Koume," the witch that wasn't on fire said, turning to face him.

"I guessed that Kotake," Koume said as she also turned, absorbing the fire. Both got on their broomsticks and rose into the air, making a very loud noise for some reason. It was almost as though their broomsticks had motors…

"What an outrageous fellow he is, to intrude so boldly into our temple," Kotake said, cackling at Link.

"There wasn't really any proof of ownership when we came in," Link pointed out. "Or a door."

"No door?! Kotake, I told you to put a door on."

"I gave the job to Ganondorf, but he must have ignored me again. I swear, ever since that boy moved out and got his own castle he has neglected us, not even calling."

"We're there most of the time, he doesn't need to call Kotake."

"That's just an excuse. When I-"

The temple suddenly shook, one of the pillars in the room crashing to the floor. "We should probably hurry up," Navi said. "Finish this up before Kingy brings the place down."

"That's a good idea. Let us teach this fellow a lesson!" Koume said, and both witches moved to the side to reveal another Iron Knuckle. "Oh loyal minion…"

"Destroy this intruder!" Kotake finished. Koume smacked her upside the head, but did not comment as the Iron Knuckle rose from its throne.

The Iron Knuckle lifted its arms to attack, but then noticed it had no axe. Koume wordlessly handed it a large battleaxe before disappearing, soon followed by Kotake.

"Be careful Link, this one's different! Something isn't right," Navi warned.

"So it's stranger than the armoured killing machines that don't flinch when a sword goes through their face?"

"Yes. Be careful."

The Iron Knuckle approached Link at a standard pace as he prepared for battle. Link stabbed at its gut, but with one axe strike he was knocked across the room and into a pillar. "Ow." He rose but the Iron Knuckle was almost at him. "Navi, distract it while I dig a hole and cover it with dried twigs so that we can lure it into it. Once it's down there I'll just stab it in the head a few times."

"Just slash the thing."

Link slashed at the Iron Knuckle before it could attack, hitting its abdomen. "Did the other ones bleed and scream?"

"No…" The Iron Knuckle grabbed Link's forearm and threw him to the ground. It raised its axe and swung downwards.

The temple shook once again, a pillar falling onto the Iron Knuckle. It dropped its axe and fell to the ground, armour plating flying in all directions to reveal the being beneath it. "Ugh… What's going on?" Nabooru groaned.

"It was Nabooru under that armour!" Navi exclaimed. When Link didn't respond she looked to see the very heavy axe crushing his ribs.

Suddenly, Koume and Kotake appeared on both sides of Nabooru. "Well well, looks like she's back to normal, Koume."

"We get who you are, now stop saying each other's names at the end of your sentences," Navi snapped as Link gasped for air.

"She's just a little girl, yet she commands a lot of respect among the Gerudo," Koume continued, ignoring Navi. "More than us. You lost us our credibility that day nine years ago, Kotake."

"The day that I killed all the animals and used their remains to create my ultimate animal that could produce milk and kill at the same time? I still think it was a good idea, we Gerudo only need two things in this desert: Food, and weapons. It was two in one!"

"It ran into the fortress and killed everyone. That was a horrible idea."

Nabooru stood up, looking at Link and Navi. "Hey, you look like that fairy kid from seven years ago."

"You remember a brief meeting from seven years ago?"

Barinade dropped from the ceiling. "Four months! Seven years and four months! Before you ask, I was in here before you were. You opened the door, I walked in, you walked in, and then King Dodongo got stuck. I was tired though and just went on the roof to sleep."

Gohma dropped from the same spot. "You don't want to know how I got in here…"

"We should make her work for Ganondorf longer, shouldn't we Koume?" Kotake asked her sister after their conversation managed to get back on topic.

"Yes, then we can brainwash her again!"

"No, I'm done making endless amounts of pancakes for you!" Nabooru yelled. "You'll never take me alive!" She jumped in the air and roundhouse kicked Koume off of her broom. Kotake however quickly froze her in a block of ice.

"Quite the lively one, isn't she?"

"How about you make jokes when _you _get kicked off your broom," Koume snapped as they both teleported the frozen Nabooru away. "Let's go." Both witches disappeared again.

"I missed a lot, didn't I?"

"Yes you did, now let's go. Help Link first."

Barinade took the axe off of the near dead Link, only to find him both passed out and not breathing. "He's not breathing."

"Crap, we need someone to do some CPR! I'm too small and you have no mouth though."

Gohma began to laugh. "Time for you two to see how I eat those things so fast!" It walked over Link, opened its mouth and resuscitated Link. Navi and Barinade were unbelievably horrified and forever scarred.

Link groaned, sitting up. "What happened?"

"You were suffocating and stopped breathing, so I gave you CPR with my mouth. Now you're alive."

"Why do I taste death and hate?"

"Aftertaste from my last meal."

"Ah… Wait a minute, I missed your mouth! Show it again!" Gohma laughed and turned, walking through the door behind the Iron Knuckle's throne. Link pouted, but soon followed to the largest boss room so far.

"This is the largest boss room so far!" Link exclaimed.

"We've established that," Gohma snapped.

"Huh?"

The four got to the top of the main platform, only for two portals to open on two of the side platforms. "Look at that idiot, coming to get his ass kicked!" Koume exclaimed. "With my flame, I will burn him to the bone!"

Kotake rose from the other one. "With my frost I… uh… I will freeze him… to the… soul!"

"That sucked," Gohma said.

"Quiet!" Both sisters became huge and their hair turned the colour of their respective elements. "Prepare to be frozen to death!"

**Twinrova  
**_Sorceress Sisters  
_Species: Gerudo  
Hobbies: Being with their son  
Likes: Fire and ice respectively  
Dislikes: Ice and fire respectively

"Remember what Kae Gae said, we have to turn their magic against them!" Navi said. "Link, use the Mirror Shield!"

"But I want to use the big stabby thing…"

"Screw your wants and go with the Master Sword."

Link held the Mirror Shield and the Master Sword. "Okay, now what?" He was frozen in ice by a white beam sent by Kotake.

"Did I get him?" Kotake asked.

"Did you lose your contact lenses again?"

"It's possible."

Gohma smashed the ice block apart. "They shoot beams of fire and ice Link, so just send their elements back at them with the Mirror Shield."

Koume began to charge a beam.

"Who am I kidding, we all know you'll mess this up." Gohma grabbed the shield and held it up just before the red beam hit. It pointed the beam back at Koume, who was unaffected. "I guess we send it at the other one then."

It turned the shield so that Kotake caught fire. "Koume, you shot me!" she screamed.

"No I didn't, they deflected my shot at you."

"Lies! You've always been jealous of my hair, so you're trying to burn it off when I'm blind and vulnerable!"

"We have the same hair! Although red is a lot better."

"White is where it's at, and you know it!"

"That's your opinion and this is mine. Mine's better though."

"You're so conceited. Ever since you got that facelift one hundred and seventy years ago, you've thought you were so great…"

Link pulled out his bow and shot Kotake with a fire arrow.

"It's on now!" Kotake charged up an ice beam and shot at Koume, barely missing.

"What are you doing?! There are enemies here, stop shooting at me!" Koume yelled, taking another shot at Gohma. Gohma deflected the shot at Kotake again, further infuriating the ice witch.

"Kotake! Stop, let's stop this arguing until afterwards and get serious."

"Bah, you just don't want me to decimate you in combat. We all know that I'm the strong one…"

"Kotake!"

"Fine, you get off easy for now."

Both witches flew over to each other and simultaneously yelled: "Koume and Kotake's Double Dynamite Attack!" They seemed to fuse together, but before anyone could make out what they became the door burst open, the bosses crowding in… aside from King Dodongo, who was yelling from somewhere behind them.

"Sorry for taking so long," Morpha said. "We managed to get around by HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT?!"

Twinrova appeared in the middle of the room with fire and ice hair and sticks. "Now you die! I shall burn and freeze you to death!"

"Won't those cancel each other out?" Twinrova shot a ball of fire at Link, burning him.

Twinrova laughed and flew across the room, shooting more fire at the group. Volvagia blocked the fire with his own body, not even harmed. "Pathetic," he hissed. Twinrova shot ice, freezing the fire dragon solid. She laughed, but suddenly had Bongo Bongo's fist in her face. Bongo Bongo grabbed Twinrova by the face and threw her across the room.

"My turn." Bongo Bongo launched a punch that Twinrova quickly dodged, blasting fire at the shadow beast.

"If this one is fire _and _ice, will either hurt?" Link asked as the two fought.

"Let's find out. Link, go and get shot by those magic balls a few times." Gohma handed Link the shield and shoved him into the fray. Link gulped as he walked into the middle of the battlefield.

"Oh, another one!" Twinrova shot a ball of fire at Link and it absorbed into his shield.

"This looks awesome!" Link exclaimed, looking at his pulsating red shield. Twinrova fired another blast, and then a third. Link's shield shot a massive burst of fire, taking Twinrova out of the air. Taking advantage of this, Gohma, Barinade, Phantom, and Bongo Bongo leapt at the witch fusion and began to viciously maul her.

"Hey, I need that to hold things! Ow, I need that to think things! AH! I need that to live!"

"That was awesome! Get her to do it again! ...Uh, should someone help him?" Link asked, pointing at Volvagia.

"HELP ME FIRST!" King Dodongo roared.

"Koume, they're mean!" Kotake cried after the two were somehow separated. "I don't like them!"

"I swear, one of us was adopted."


	36. Fun in Gerudoland

_Still have my cold, getting better though. Killed time during my sick days from school playing Majora's Mask, it is very fun._

_Published November 5, 2009  
_

**Fun in Gerudoland**

"You there, defrost Volvagia," Gohma ordered Koume.

"Give me one good reason." Gohma roared, punching through one of the pillars. "There's a good reason." Koume shot fire at the dragon, taking him out of his icy prison.

"At last, free," Volvagia hissed.

"I would have kept you in longer but you were glaring at me pretty hard," Gohma said. "It was getting creepy."

"FREE ME!"

"Could you two do that whole teleporting thing on King Dodongo? Like what you did to Nabooru?"

"Not the best idea. We don't have control of where whatever we teleport ends up, so it would really just be a guessing game," Koume explained. "Nabooru could be in Lake Hylia for all we know."

"Just do it. Then go find him."

-Chamber of the Sages-

Link, Navi, Gohma, Barinade, Phantom, Volvagia, Morpha, and Bongo Bongo came through the light, hearing the platform begin to groan under their weight. The light of the Sage of Spirit appeared, and out rose a large block of ice that contained Nabooru. The chamber was silent.

Another light appeared and Darunia rose from it. "Why am I here?"

"You're the Sage of Fire, so something," Rauru's voice echoed.

"I'm a Goron. We are a bunch of rocks."

Volvagia defrosted Nabooru. "Damn witches… I gotta give you guys some applause though, beating them probably wasn't very easy."

"Not as easy as Morpha was," Gohma said, watching the angered ball with satisfaction.

"So have you become a competent swordsman in these past seven years?" Nabooru asked.

"Somewhat, though the allies have helped him a lot," Navi said. "I've seen some improvement."

"Hey, I'm awesome at fighting and I always have been awesome! Just ask Saria if you doubt me."

"Tag isn't considered fighting," Saria's voice echoed.

"It should be!"

"Stop getting off topic. Geez, is this what happens in all of your conversations?"

"Yes," everyone in hearing range answered.

Nabooru nodded. "Okay, then I better keep things on track. As you probably know, I was brainwashed by those two witches and used as mostly a figurehead and cook by Ganondorf. In the end, I'm the Sage of Spirit though, so he messed up by not killing me on the spot."

"The Sage of each place really just seems to be the person closest to the temple at the time," Phantom said. "All of you were the only ones aside from us in each temple. I'm beginning to think that what makes a person a sage isn't as deep as I once thought."

"Aren't you all Ganondorf's minions? You even look exactly like him aside from the skull."

"Hey, shouldn't we be getting a medallion around now?"

Nabooru scowled. "I will give you the medallion once I get the silver gauntlets like I was originally supposed to. Don't think that I forgot about that Link, I wrote it down!" Link frowned as he handed her the silver gauntlets. "Awesome, now instead of my old promise, I will give you the medallion."

"But I want to know your name!" Link whined. "That medallion is just representing your awakening and isn't vital to our journey at all, so can't I know your name?"

"I- uh- sure. My name is Nabooru."

"Finally! I've been in suspense for seven years!"

"We know!" Navi yelled at Barinade as he moved forward to speak.

A light came from a different area, and Rauru rose from his section. "Good job all of you. All of the six Sages have awoken. It is time for the final battle with Ganondorf."

"How do you know that it will be a fight? We could just talk to him," Link said.

"That is anticlimactic and would not make an appropriate climax to your adventure," Rauru explained. "Before that though, you should meet the one who is waiting for you at the Temple of Time."

"Is it Sheik?"

"Possibly."

"Wow, you're great at being suspenseful," Nabooru sarcastically commented. "If we're just going to stand around waiting for Link to do stuff then I'm going back to the fortress for a while. Maybe I'll kill some things in the Gerudo Training Ground."

"You are free to come and go as you please, as long as you are here during-"

"Wait, we are?" Ruto asked.

"I never knew that!" Saria exclaimed.

"And when did you say that?" Impa asked.

"Okay, getting crowded. Let's go," Navi said before the group was engulfed in a light, taking them out of the chamber and away from the bickering sages.

Everyone arrived in the desert colossus. "To the Gerudo Fortress!" Link proclaimed.

"Why there?" Bongo Bongo asked.

"That training ground Nabooru mentioned sounds fun."

"So in other words it's fun time before the final showdown," Gohma said.

"Sure, why not."

"If that's the case I want to go swimming in Lake Hylia," Morpha said. "You know, feel powerful for a while before being reduced from the greatness that I am to a bouncy ball in the hands of some ADD assholes."

"I want to see the Deku Tree," Gohma said. "The place where all this madness started, and my main success."

"I shall… 'check up' on the Gorons… Make sure that some are still alive," Volvagia hissed, a wide grin spreading across his face.

"And I'll be there to screw things up for you," King Dodongo announced as he and the Twinrova sisters approached.

"We found him face first in a pile of cow crap from before Kotake killed them all," Koume said. "It was there for nine years."

"That sucks to be teleported into," Link said, grimacing.

"Yeah… Teleported…"

"So I heard that you were going to the Gerudo Fortress," Kotake said. "Can I come? I want to go there but I don't want to be lonely on the trip."

"You'd have Koume, wouldn't you?"

"She's a cold hearted bitch." Koume punched her in the back of the head.

After a quick discussion, Gohma was heading to the Deku Tree, King Dodongo and Volvagia were going to Goron City, Barinade and Morpha were travelling to Lake Hylia, and the rest of them were going to the Gerudo Training Ground. For those unable to tell that is Link, Navi, Phantom, Bongo Bongo, Koume, and Kotake.

-Temple of Time-

"They here yet?"

"No."

"They here yet?"

"No fairy, be quiet."

"How about now?"

"No!"

"How are GOATS IN MY UNDERPANTS?!"

"Magic. Now shut up." Ganondorf was still waiting for either Koume and Kotake to contact him or for Link's group to arrive. He had seen Sheik arrive several hours ago and based on the reports Sheik was always where Link would show up. That guy would just stand there, unmoving, until the Hero of Time and his posse of Ganon's old minions arrive. "Just a few more minutes and someone will be here…"

-Gerudo Fortress-

"What are you doing here?" Nabooru asked Link as he rode in circles on Epona. "Shouldn't you be going to the Temple of Time? You know, to that waiting ninja guy?"

"I'll just be a few minutes, first I- Oh, archery!" Link rode over to the Gerudo at the archery course.

The Gerudo observed Epona. "That's a pretty nice horse, where'd you steal it from?" she asked.

"Lon Lon Ranch," Link answered. "I wonder how that place is. I'll go check it out after this!"

Nabooru sighed. "How long do ya think it'll take him to get all this stuff done?"

"All day, maybe two," Navi answered as Link shot arrows sporadically at the targets while the Gerudo chased him down on her own horse. She began to talk with Phantom once Link stole the Gerudo's horse and tried to jump over the targets.

"So no hard feelings about the whole 'brainwash you for several years and force you into the cruel service of the person you hate the most in the world,' right?" Kotake asked Nabooru hopefully.

"Meh. Honestly I kind of liked the axe."

"I won a heart piece!" Link cheered as he ran over to them, holding the heart fragment over his head. "What's it do?"

-Temple of Time-

Sheik sat down on the pedestal of time, one of the many "OBJECT of Time" objects in the temple. "Booooriiiiing," echoed through the wide room.

"ANAL WAFFLES!" came from somewhere in the distance. Sheik chose to ignore it.

-Gerudo Fortress-

"Only registered members allowed, eh? I'm registered!" Link turned to the Gerudo standing before the locked door. "Time to go!"

"Ten rupees," the Gerudo said. "Enjoy your stay." She cackled maniacally, stepping aside to let the group pass.

"I will." They entered the room, seeing three doors in the room. "Let's go left!"

A voice suddenly boomed through the air. "If you can overcome the trials in the chambers ahead, then and only then will you be qualified to hold our secret treasure."

"Easy enough." Inside the room, the voice spoke again.

"You have one minute to defeat the enemies." Two Stalfos burst from the ground and ran at Link. Link took out his Biggoron's Sword and slashed one through the middle as Bongo Bongo smashed one to pieces with a punch to the wall. "We probably should have chosen an enemy that they weren't used to dealing with."

After gathering several silver rupees, they moved on to the next room once Link was saved from a box of fire.

"Use the longshot!" Navi told him. "There's a target you can pull yourself through."

"That will send me through the fire!"

"Stop choosing now as a time to be smart!"

Once that ordeal was finished by Phantom breaking the fire, the upcoming room was entered. It was not timed, but they had to blow up another door in it. Link took out his bomb, aiming at it carefully. "Easy... Easy..." He gently tossed it up to the door. The fake door opened, smacking the bomb back to Link. He screamed and threw it to the door again, resulting in the same effect. "Where's Barinade when you need him?!"

In Lake Hylia, Barinade and Morpha were terrorizing the scientist living there.

The bomb exploded, killing the door. Now there was no where to go. "Random item usage time! Ocarina..." He played the Song of Storms. "No. Deku Nuts..." The witches were blinded. "No. Din's Fire?"

"No!" Phantom stole it from Link. "Not here."

"Use the lens of truth, I have a good feeling about that one," Navi ordered.

"I don't like that one, it let me see Bongo Bongo for the first time. It destroyed me inside. Utterly destroyed me."

"Oh shut up about me already. I'm less hideous than Phantom, he's a deformed Ganondorf skull!"

"Well I have smooth cheekbones and sexy monkey ears, how am I hideous?"

"The skull."

"The skull."

"The skull."

Phantom broke down the bars blocking the door and continued without saying a word.

Three Like Likes were before them. "I'll kill it," Link declared, taking out his Biggoron's Sword. It was much longer than the Like Like's range. Link stabbed one, but it deflected off of the beast. He slashed this time, resulting in the same outcome. Link got fed up by this break in physics and leaped at the monster, stabbing straight into its mouth. Unfortunately it grabbed the sword with its face and ate it. "That's bad."

Bongo Bongo struck the Like Like with his fist, but that was eaten too. "Ew, it feels like gross."

"Not as gross as your FACE!"

"I will kill you some day."

Thanks to the Lens of Truth, another room was found in the previous room, the place where Navi suggested using it but Link was too scared because it was the item that made him see Bongo Bongo and Link didn't like Bongo Bongo very much... Link's so silly.

"Blind all of the statue's eyes," came from the air.

Link opened his mouth to speak, but Bongo Bongo interrupted him. "One more comment about me and I will tear you inside out through your asshole."

"I- I was going to suggest... shooting the eyes with arrows," Link stuttered, cowering from the angry beast. Bongo Bongo stared at him blankly. "Okay I was going to tell you to stand in front of them."

"Will you shoot the eyes already? There's a line up and you're close to setting the record for slowest finishing time!"

Koume nudged Kotake. "Didn't you set the record for slowest completion time?"

"Hmm? Oh yes, I set a record in here. It was a completion time one... Wait, did you just say slowest?"

"What? I don't know what you're talking about slowpoke. I didn't say anything about you completing the course ridiculously slowly and having the worst time in over two centuries. Not at all. You're getting senile Kotake, eh heh heh heh."

Kotake glared at Koume suspiciously.

A later section of the training ground was simply an empty room. "Defeat the enemies within a time limit." Two Dinofols dropped from the roof, rushing forward in an attack. Fire and ice were shot at one at the same time, doing absolutely nothing to it.

"You got in my way, Kotake!"

"No I didn't. You got in MY way with your flaming stuff!"

"It's fire, and it's better for combat than ice is. Just stand back and make your drink colder."

"You were always the smartass of the two of us."

"Stop arguing and shoot different ones!" Phantom snapped as he dueled with one of the Dinofols.

Once all the keys were gathered they all entered the last room and began to unlock the doors. "So what do we get for going through this?" Link asked the witches.

"Ice arrows, the best kind of arrows," Kotake told him.

"This is a lot to go through for some optional arrows," Navi muttered as they reached the chest.

"But it's ice!"

"Which is inferior to fire."

"Quiet, Koume."

-Temple of Time-

Sheik sighed. "If they're going to take as long as I think they will, I'm going out for food."


	37. One Hundred Golden Skulltulas

_Published November 11, 2009_

**One Hundred Golden Skulltulas **

"Okay, we have blue arrows," Navi stated uninterestedly. "Now can we go to the Temple of Time?"

Link shot an arrow at a wall, watching as the area iced over. "Sure, I'll play us there," he said as he took out his ocarina. After a quick Bolero of Fire, they were in Death Mountain.

"This does not look like a temple, especially one of time," Bongo Bongo said.

"He played the wrong song," Navi said, sighing in exasperation.

"How often does that happen?" Bongo Bongo asked suspiciously.

"Surprisingly."

"N-no! It wasn't a mistake! I… We need to pick up Kingy and Volvagia first!" Link exclaimed.

"Temple of Time… isn't that-" Koume punched Kotake in the jaw, quieting her. "Dammit Koume, what the hell did you punch me for?! Oooooooooh…"

"'Oooooooooh'? What's 'oooooooooh'?" Phantom questioned.

"Nothing at all, you don't need to worry, nope, nothing," Koume quickly interrupted.

"While we're talking about you two, why exactly are you tagging along? As far as I know you didn't split your connection with Ganondorf like the others," Navi brought up. "You are enemies."

"Enemies? No we're not, I don't know what you're talking about, you're crazy, stop being crazy, I don't like crazy, you scare me sometimes," Koume rambled.

As Navi was about to continue her interrogation King Dodongo fell from the sky and landed right on top of her. "All of you, come quickly! Everyone! Now! I command it!" he roared, running out of the area immediately.

"Pain, so much… pain," Navi groaned.

They met up with King Dodongo as he was descending Death Mountain rapidly. "What are you in such a hurry about?" Phantom asked.

"Rich family in Kakariko is willing to give us as much money as we want, no matter the amount, as long as we do a favour. As you know, I like money!"

The two Dodongos popped up from behind a rock. "We found this out!" one proudly announced.

"He was going to kick our asses for leaving the plan until he heard about the money," the other said.

"No one cares," King Dodongo snapped.

"Where's Volvagia?" Navi asked.

"No one cares."

"I care!"

"Dead."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, did I say dead? Oops, I did that thing where I say rhyming words of what I mean. I meant bed, he wore himself out fighting that Goron shopkeeper."

-Kakariko Village-

The house was very large, but very dark and empty. "He's up ahead," King Dodongo said.

"I don't see anyone in here," Link told him, looking around the empty room. "What's that noise?"

A Skulltula with human eyes and a few human arms fell from the ceiling, knocking Link over. "Sorry, can't see down," he said. "We look like this because of the spider's curse. Please do not be alarmed."

"I've seen worse," Link said. "When I first looked at-"

"If this is about me you die," Bongo Bongo interjected fiercely. Link went quiet. "I'm surprised that you're calm when looking at the parade of monsters and freaks here, honestly."

"I, too, have seen worse," the Skulltula man said. "I was in the well once, and there was this hideous, terrifying monstrosity behind bars. It hadn't noticed me so I left quickly and blocked the event from my memories. It was too ugly to even comprehend."

"I hate society."

"Moving on to the deal, he says he's been cursed and if we kill the one hundred golden Skulltulas across Hyrule the family will be free and we get rupees," King Dodongo explained. "The ones we have so far have weakened the curse and freed that guy over there." The mentioned guy over there was dancing merrily. "He gave me something called a Stone of Agony. It does nothing, and isn't worth anything, so I beat him over the head until he started dancing. Now he says he can't stop."

"Help me!"

"No. We're going everywhere we've already been to find more spiders and get the cash needed."

"Wait, _everywhere?!_" Link gasped.

"Uh, yeah. Everywhere."

-Sacred Forest Meadow-

Link stabbed the random golden Skulltula that was crawling across the wall. "There's another one down."

"Yup," Phantom said as he sat on a dead Moblin.

"We never finished talking to you two, did we?" Navi asked Koume and Kotake suddenly.

"No you didn't, right Koume?"

"Yes she did Kotake, yes she did."

"No I didn't."

"Well, Koume said you did so I don't see the need to talk anymore."

"Exactly Kotake, exactly."

Navi decided that the two witches were going to be very annoying. "Let's just grab Gohma while we're here."

They left the meadow and woods to the Kokiri Village, heading toward the Great Deku Tree's corpse. "That guy looks a lot like Link," a random Kokiri said to Mido. "Same hairstyle, facial features, even the same droop of his shoulders as he walks."

"Did you honestly remember the way that idiot walks for seven years?" Mido asked him.

"You never know when the right information will help do the right thing," the Kokiri said, nodding to himself with a dumb grin on his face. Mido ignored him and walked to the massive group.

"Hey, are you Link?"

"Yes I am!" Link announced. "And now that I'm taller than you Mido, there's something I've always wanted to say to you… You're SHORT!" Link pointed at Mido and laughed a few times before patting him on the head and walking passed the angered Kokiri. "My life is now complete."

At the tree, Gohma was sitting next to the sprout having a light conversation. Everyone approached. "Oh, hi everyone!" the sprout greeted. "We were just talking about how Gohma here killed my parent tree and thanks to her I'm now the lord of the forests! I'm very grateful."

"Oh, it was nothing," Gohma said. "Just a bit of parasitism, not much of a problem."

"I wonder if any golden Skulltulas are in the big Deku Tree," King Dodongo pondered. "Gohma, break it open."

-Lon Lon Ranch-

"Here's one more," Navi said, floating around a poorly hidden golden Skulltula.

"That's pretty high up… Ingo!" Link cried.

The ranch hand ran over instantly. "Yes Mr. Link? As you know I will do whatever the honoured guests of this ranch ask me to."

"Yes yes, you work under Talon and now act all nice so you don't get fired." Ingo glared at him. "Climb up the tree and jump at the house. Knock that spider off. The fall may hurt so brace yourself."

Malon walked passed them. "After that, burn the animal droppings. We have a pile as big as the house that will smell dreadful, but someone has to do it and I really really don't want to."

Ingo sighed.

"Also, Cupcakefoot has a turtlehead poking out that won't budge so I need you to stick your hand up his ass and pull it out. I don't like watching animals suffer so please help him as soon as possible."

A lone tear fell down Ingo's face.

-Jabu Jabu's Belly-

"Man, it was hard finding this fish and getting back in," Link reminisced. "But we did it, and here is a golden Skulltula to show that our efforts were worth it."

"Why did you just say all of that?" Bongo Bongo asked.

"It's best not to ask questions," Gohma grunted.

-Ice Cavern-

"I don't think any are in here," Koume said. "Let's go, it's cold."

"I think many are in here," Kotake said. "Let's stay, it's cold."

"Both of you shut up," Gohma snapped. "You've been arguing ever since I got here, probably even before. If you hate each other so much just stay away from each other."

"We don't hate each other, do we Koume?"

"Oh course not Kotake, we're sisters. Sisters fight Kotake, sisters fight."

"You're yelling at each other, insulting each other, swearing at each other, all that stuff. That's a wee bit more than fighting!"

Koume waved the comment off and floated ahead, scanning the room for any little spiders.

-Lake Hylia-

"Hey, you two!" King Dodongo roared upon seeing Barinade and Morpha in the water. "We're looking for golden Skulltulas, get over here and help!"

"I, BARINADE, will not degrade myself to crawling around for spiders!" Barinade threw Morpha at King Dodongo's face.

"And the time of the bouncy ball begins."

"Oh stop with your low self esteem issues," Gohma said. "Now Link, dive into the Water Temple and find some golden spiders."

"We have to go back… in there?" Link whimpered.

"Yes. Go. Now."

"I am not going in there," Barinade said. "I am having fun in the water, tormenting the Zoras by sticking my tentacle through the hole down there. I think I grabbed one and broke their leg."

"Fun stuff," Morpha said, floating passed Barinade.

"You're horrible," Bongo Bongo commented.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade shot electricity into the air, swinging his hammer around. "I will never tire of doing that."

"Bye guys," Link said as he trudged into the water with his iron boots on. "I don't see anyone coming so I will see you all when I return." He disappeared into the depths.

-One hour later-

"He's still not back," King Dodongo noted.

"I can see that," Bongo Bongo said irritably. "Why don't you just send one of the water guys down to get him? You're in charge of this spider hunt after all."

"Well I'd send Volvagia to his death, but he's not here now sooooo… MORPHA! Go find Link."

"No."

"Come on! I'll... I'll give you... money."

Link rose from the lake, spitting some water from his mouth and tearing the leech hat from his slightly bleeding head. "There he is. Where's my money?" Morpha created two tendrils which rose threateningly.

King Dodongo muttered something and threw the ball several rupees.

"I was kidding, use your head. What would I use money for and where would I store it? I will take your money though."

-House of Skulltula-

"I believe that's all of them," King Dodongo said to the Skulltula man. "Where's my money?"

"I don't think that you got all of them," the man said skeptically.

"Why is that?" King Dodongo growled.

"Probably because I'm STILL A SPIDER!" He twitched his eight legs. "You must have missed one or two!"

"Impossible," King Dodongo said as he took out a notepad. "I counted them all, this is one hundred. There is only one hundred and we had them all killed."

"I may have only stunned one," Link said. "It screamed and shriveled, but it may still be alive."

"I ate all the beaten ones," Gohma said. "It's dead."

King Dodongo snapped his fingers. "Wait! I kept one of our first ones way back to sell for cash. I must have checked it off, I'll go kill it. Now where did I put it?"

"What a giant fool, eh Koume?"

"Yes Kotake, yes he is."

"Stop talking about me or I will kill you both," King Dodongo threatened as he continued to search himself. "Dammit where is it?!" The monsters watched him search for the remaining golden Skulltula for several minutes, watching him give up. "I can't find it! Where did I put that thing?!"

-Death Mountain-

Volvagia lay on his bed of Goron bones, holding the golden Skulltula he had stolen from King Dodongo between his claws. "He held a lot of value in this," Volvagia hissed. "I think I'll keep it just to spite him."

-House of Skulltula-

"You did the best you could, and I thank you for at least freeing the kids." The Skulltula man gestured to the many dancing figures behind him. "They have rewarded you for your efforts."

"All I got was a stone, two wallets, and a bunch of Bombchu!" King Dodongo roared. "I could have gotten them all from anywhere! Can I trade them in for the fortune?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

"DAMMIT!"

"I, BARINADE, think Kingy is suffering," Barinade said. "What will we do?"

"Point and laugh Barinade," Gohma said wistfully. "Point and laugh."

"DON'T CALL ME 'KINGY'!"

"Shut up."

_It's time people, we're moving on to the Temple of Time next chapter! The final battle is approaching, I estimate it will start in two or three more chapters!  
_


	38. Ganondorf Strikes

_Published November 16, 2009_

**Ganondorf Strikes**

"Here we are, the Temple of Time," Link announced as they entered the large building.

"Took long enough!"

"Did anyone hear a voice just now?" Navi asked.

"Um… No!"

Navi nodded slowly. "Alright then. I stopped caring long ago so whatever."

"As did I." They turned to see Sheik behind them, walking into the temple. "I was waiting for you here several days ago, and then I left. Where the hell were you?! I told Rauru to tell you to get over here, but it's been three days! What were you doing?!"

"Oh right," Link said bashfully. "The first day I was in the Gerudo Training Ground, the second I was killing spiders, and the third I went swimming."

"All… day?!"

"Yeah, we had a blast. Gohma can vouch for me." Gohma growled at him. "See?"

Sheik sighed, shaking his head. "It's in the past. I can't change the time you wasted, so I might as well make the future worth it, Link. I'm proud of you all for awakening the six Sages, there were many challenges in doing so."

"I was a challenge," Bongo Bongo said loudly.

"I'm sure you were. Well, the challenges aren't over, there's still a final showdown with Ganondorf ahead."

"I still think that things can be resolved peacefully," Link said.

"No you don't. There is something I have to tell you all before you go off to fight, something very, very important and necessary to know."

"How important on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the most important."

"Ten! This is very important! Now shut up and stop interrupting me. There's another secret legend revolving around the Triforce that I have to tell you. I cannot tell you enough how important it is to know this," Sheik continued. "And I swear, if you interrupt me one more time I will go ballistic and murder you regardless of your role in this." He took out a serrated knife to stress this. "You see, the Triforce reflects the heart of the one who touches it, becoming evil if someone evil touches it and becoming good if someone good touches it."

"So if I touched it, the Triforce would be good?" Link asked.

"I think it would become a very annoying artifact if you touched it. It is balanced into three forces, and as tri means three that is what gives it its name. The forces are power, wisdom, and courage. The person who touches it has to be balanced, or the Triforce will split into its three parts. The person has to be balanced to get the Triforce and make their wish."

"So I'd get the Tri-"

"Quiet Link!" Sheik snapped. "Ganondorf only got the Triforce of Power since he isn't balanced, he only cares about power and not courage, and especially not the awesome greatness that is wisdom."

"Do you have the Triforce of Wi-"

"Link, I want you to SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I WILL STAB YOUR ASS AND FORCE YOU TO DRINK THE GUNK THAT COMES OUT, TEAR OUT YOUR STOMACH AND MAKE YOU EAT THAT!" Link cowered from the advancing ninja who was playing with his knife. "Ganondorf has to acquire the last two parts to get his wish, he must get them from those with the mark of the Triforce on the back of their hand. Unfortunately, the one with the Triforce of Courage is… it's…" Sheik took a deep breath. "It's you, Link."

"That's pretty cool."

Sheik punched him across the face, knocking Link to the ground. "You have the fucking Triforce of Courage in you and all you can say is that it's 'cool'?!"

"I don't think that you realize what this means," Navi said. "Ganondorf will come after _you._"

"To kill me?"

"No, to steal your Triforce part and make you suffer in horrific ways," Gohma said. "Be afraid. Be very afraid."

"But if I'm scared I won't be happy, so I don't think I'll should try to be scared," Link said. "It's situations like these that I have to think things through in."

"That is not thinking things through!" Sheik screamed. "That's just the worst logic I've ever heard!" He took another deep breath to stay calm. "The holder of the Triforce of Wisdom is the seventh Sage, the leader of the group of them." He held up his arm, but was interrupted again.

"The seventh member of the six Sages, eh?" Gohma grunted. "Sounds pretty stupid."

"It isn't really just six, that was a lie Rauru and the seventh thought up to keep Ganondorf in the dark," Sheik said. "And the seventh Sage, the leader of them all, is…"

A bright light engulfed Sheik as he held up his arm, a Triforce symbol appearing on the back of his hand. When the light died down, in Sheik's place stood a dress wearing, blonde haired figure, Princess Zelda. "I am the seventh Sage."

"What the hell, I thought you were a guy!" Morpha yelled.

"It was a trick, part of my disguise," Zelda said. "A rather well done disguise on my part, I think I did very well in the acting department."

"Who the hell are you?" Bongo Bongo asked.

"I take it that you're new to the whole thing," Zelda said bleakly. "I am Zelda, the grand princess of the great country of Hyrule. Due to my father's death, I am the true ruler of this kingdom."

"You like to flaunt your position, don't you?"

"Well, to the greatest extent that one can when in hiding. Though I should probably explain some things to you now that you know my true identity. I had assumed that if you had the ocarina, you'd get in the Sacred Realm before Ganondorf and get the Triforce."

"That didn't work now did it?" Gohma sarcastically commented.

"I still have my knife, the same threat applies to you. The plan is for you to weaken Ganondorf, and then for us Sages to open the door to the Sacred Realm and seal Ganondorf in there. Unfortunately, you still aren't strong enough to fight Ganondorf head on, his defenses are too strong. To solve that, here is a gift. The light arrows!" She pulled out glowing yellow arrows.

"Are they better than those boring ice arrows?" Link asked.

"Yes, they explode in light. Take them now." She forced the arrows into Link's hands. "Now everything is ready."

Link fired one of his new arrows at a wall, noticing it not do any damage to the brick like the other arrows would. "I don't like this one."

"It only works on evil," Zelda said. "Test it on Gohma, she's sarcastic enough to be considered evil."

"Don't you dare-"

The temple began to shake, the walls cracking under the quake's pressure. Zelda swore loudly, looking around. "No, he can't be here!" A crystal of energy surrounded Zelda, trapping her inside. "DAMMIT!"

"Princess Zelda, I finally have you," Ganondorf's voice echoed. The group all looked up to see him floating near the roof with a cage containing Gate in his hand. "I will commend you for avoiding me for seven years, though it did give me time to set up my forces and all that crap, so you probably messed up by not trying to defeat me before I gained my power. For that, I take away my commendation earlier. You also let your guard down, allowing this situation to happen."

"I knew you were Zelda!" Gate exclaimed. "See, I know things too!"

Ganondorf shook the cage. "Quiet you." Link shot a light arrow at Ganondorf, only for him to kick it to the side. "Pathetic, are you really the Hero of Time?"

"You said these would work!" Link yelled.

"He has had seven years to get stronger, so don't just shoot it head on," Gohma reprimanded.

Ganondorf chuckled. "Yes, what the first traitor said. You suck, I am powerful."

"Ganondorf, I should probably tell you that we failed to kill them," Kotake said, flying up closer to him. "Implement the capture plan."

"I knew you were with him all along!" Navi exclaimed. "I knew it, but I never acted on it!"

"Well aren't you bright," Barinade commented.

"Why are you two still alive?" Ganondorf groaned. "Couldn't you have died or something?"

"I don't like that insolent tone, Ganondorf," Koume scolded. "Don't make me ground you!"

"Dammit mom, shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! I'm old enough to usurp a country, so I'm old enough to go around on my own without you two guiding my every movement!" Ganondorf roared. "Let me run my country and you two can just guard the Spirit Temple!"

Zelda stabbed at the crystal with her knife. "Ganondorf you son of a bitch, I will castrate you the moment I get out of here!"

"Just empty threats if you can't get out." He deflected another light arrow. "You stop that. It looks like I overestimated your power, kid. I must have misjudged the power of the Triforce in you, but with Zelda's Triforce soon to be part of my power there's nothing left to worry about."

"Bullshit, you need all three parts together to extract them," Zelda snapped. "Don't let his lies fool you, Link. Having me won't give him any more power than he had before."

"Wait, it won't?" Ganondorf questioned, jerking his head toward the captured princess. "I didn't know that! I thought I could just take it and become even more powerful!"

"Nope!" Zelda chimed merrily. "Have fun with a useless hostage!"

Ganondorf glared at her before warping the crystal out of the room and to his tower. "Oh well, I just need you now, kid. Then I can get the Triforce and gain an easier and more efficient way to clean all of my clothes!"

"You bastard!" Link screamed. "I won't let you accomplish anything!"

"Why the hell does no one want me to clean myself?" Ganondorf muttered.

"It's because you're a redhead," Gate said. "Want to know what else is red? ORANGES!"

"I will kill you. But first, back to the castle. Bye kid, bye traitors, bye Bongo Bongo!"

"Um… bye?" Bongo Bongo was not sure how to respond as Ganondorf and Gate disappeared as well. "I have a quick question: why did he have a fairy?"

"That was Gate, a fairy we don't really care about but will probably have to save anyway," Navi sighed.

"Ganondorf isn't as welcoming toward our betrayal as he was seven years ago," Barinade said. "He's much more hostile."

"Probably sore about losing his most powerful troops," Morpha said. "Such as me."

"Speaking of troops…" Navi flew over to the Twinrova sisters. "What shall we do with you two?"

"That Ganondorf and his disrespectful attitude… We should do something, Koume," Kotake said, ignoring Navi.

"Agreed Kotake, we need to punish him."

"Take away his country!" King Dodongo called. "And his castle!"

"That's a good idea, isn't it Koume?"

"Yes it is Kotake, let's go and take his possessions for a week and show him to respect his parents."

"Well that resolved itself," Navi muttered. "Let's go rescue Zelda before something bad happens to someone."

"'Someone'?" Bongo Bongo repeated.

"Knowing Zelda…"

-Ganondorf's Castle-

Zelda slammed her shoulder into the crystal, sliding it through the air and nearly crashing into the agile Ganondorf. "Stop that!" the evil king snapped.

"Screw you!" She tried again, but he dodged once more.

Ganondorf pointed at a random Iron Knuckle. "You, fetch some chains!"

-Temple of Time-

"I see…" Bongo Bongo said, nodding slowly when Navi zoned out. "Let's just go."

"Time to fight my former master," Phantom said to himself as the group trekked to Ganon's Castle. "This is it, the final fight."

"We've established that," Gohma grunted.

Ganondorf's castle looked the same as the last time they were there, still floating over a lake of lava in a near dead atmosphere. "This place is nice," Link commented. "I think it's an improvement over the old, boring model."

"How do we cross?" King Dodongo asked, ignoring Link for the moment. "It's a very long jump, and I don't think a flier could get us all over."

"Catapult?" Kotake suggested. "It worked before."

"I have a better idea," Rauru's voice echoed. "This is Rauru, can you hear me?"

"Why are you a disembodied voice?" Link asked.

"Do not ask questions with no answers and we six will create a bridge to Ganondorf's castle, okay?" Rauru responded. "The keep of the castle, Ganon's Tower, is protected by six barriers. Destroy each one and you can ascend the tower to save Zelda!"

They heard a crash from within the tower which was followed by Zelda yelling: "Almost had you that time, bitch!"

"Or maybe wait until she's done. Whichever works out better," Rauru added. "Let's form the bridge! … Where's Nabooru? Did she even come back? … Are you kidding?! Go find her! We need the bridge! You all may have to wait for a few minutes, Nabooru never came back. She's not a very responsible Sage."

-Gerudo Training Ground-

Nabooru was laughing maniacally as she slaughtered a Dinofol with two scimitars before turning to the second, soiled one. "I love this place."


	39. The Six Barriers

_Published November 23, 2009_

**The Six Barriers**

A large, rainbow coloured bridge formed before Link, connecting the mainland to the floating castle. "It is done," Rauru said. "Now hurry inside!"

"Right," Link said before turning to the gathered monsters. "As the leader, I feel like I should give a speech. We've all come very far, especially those from the beginning, and now it's time to end all of this. All of you are great fighters, and with all of us united there's no way Ganondorf stands a chance. Now let's go kick ass everybody!"

"That speech was awful," Morpha said. "You're a terrible leader."

"Don't judge me! Let's go in. We're all ready, right?"

"Yes, everyone is ready," Gohma said. "Now stop stalling, we know you're terrified so there's no need to hide it."

Link sighed and turned, walking to the bridge. "Wait!" a voice in the distance hissed. Volvagia flew from the direction of Death Mountain, crashing to the ground in front of Link. The massive dragon harshly glared at the gathered beings. "Don't tell me that none of you noticed that you never picked me up! Darunia just told me minutes ago that you were going into Ganondorf's castle! I can't believe that you forgot me! Don't comment, you," the dragon added, glaring at King Dodongo.

"Obligatory 'you're not memorable and easy to forget'," King Dodongo said. "Sorry, had to be done."

With the Missing-Member-that-no-one-Noticed-was-Gone Crisis out of the way, the group walked across the semitransparent bridge. "I, BARINADE, am afraid of heights," Barinade admitted. "The unprotected bridge walking over a lake of lava is not helping."

"Conquer your fears," a voice from above said wisely.

"Why are there so many sudden voices from no where?" Bongo Bongo asked angrily. "Can't anyone just walk up to a person these days?"

"That voice!" Link gasped. "I- I can't remember whose it is but I know that it's a voice I've heard!"

"Congratulations, that sentence has accomplished nothing," Kae Gae said, perched above the door to Ganondorf's castle. "I have arrived to witness the final battle, and give you a few more words of wisdom."

"Weren't you only following us originally because you owed someone ten thousand rupees?" Navi asked the large owl. "And we gave you the money, didn't we?"

"Right, I still can't believe that you actually believed that," Kae Gae said to himself, chuckling at the memory. "But now I come with actual advice, so I'm curious as to why you're so angry at me now."

"Wait, we gave you ten thousand rupees for _nothing_?!" King Dodongo roared. He blasted a massive fire ball at Kae Gae, but the owl easily dodged it.

"Don't do that!" their feathery stalker snapped.

"The faster we let him speak, the faster we get to move on," Phantom, the everlasting voice of logic, explained to the others. "So let him speak, so we can move on."

"And that's why you're my favourite," Kae Gae praised. "Inside this castle are six barriers, though you know that much. You must use light arrows to destroy these barriers, and then climb Ganon's Tower. At the top is Ganondorf."

"We assumed that," Navi said to him.

"The barriers take the form of big orbs, shoot them to destroy them," Kae Gae added. "I'm telling you this because there aren't really any hints that say how to destroy them." They stared at him. "I'm done, go in."

"Yes, we're free of you!" Link cheered as he ran into the dark doorway.

"I'll be waiting here when you get out."

Link tripped and fell down the staircase, landing before two amused Beamos Statues.

-Minutes later-

The castle's main room was a massive chamber, and in the middle was a doorway. Surrounding the middle was an evil barrier with six beams of energy powering it. "Those doors must lead to the orbs he mentioned," Navi said. "Let's go through the green one first."

The first room of the forest barrier mini-dungeon had several unlit torches. "Well this is easy," Link said. "We have to light all the torches."

A Wolfos jumped out of no where, but was eaten by Gohma. "Those things taste heavenly!"

"One day, I will learn…" Link muttered to himself.

The next room was full of silver rupees, fans, and a large pit full of small pillars. "Use the hover boots to let the fans push you to the silver rupees, and press that switch to get the elevated one," Phantom explained after analyzing the situation.

Koume and Kotake flew around and grabbed the rupees.

"Do I even need to be here? At all?"

Link put his hover boots on. "What was the second part?"

"We have already solved the puzzle so there is no need to help, isn't that right Koume?"

"Please stop asking me to confirm things, Kotake. It's annoying."

"I'm trying to get you involved in the conversation Koume, you're too quiet. Is a little 'thank you for acknowledging my existence' too much for you to say?"

"Oh screw off Kotake, you're just clingy."

"People don't get clingy to their sister Koume, it doesn't work like that!"

Volvagia's eyelid twitched. "Do they have to be here?" he hissed.

"None of us have to be here," Gohma said. "Now how are we going to cross this gap?"

"With hover boots!" Link exclaimed from the other side of the room.

"How did- I don't- What the hell Link?!" Navi screamed. "Okay, the fliers can go over there. Everyone else can wait for us to come back."

Volvagia, Koume, Phantom, Kotake, Navi, and Bongo Bongo joined Link as he went into the next room. It was small, and in the middle was a glowing orb in a pillar of green energy. "This must be the barrier," Bongo Bongo said.

"Your analytical abilities astound me." Bongo Bongo crushed Navi against a wall.

"So I shoot it to win?" Link took out his light arrows. He aimed it at the barrier and fired, missing by several metres.

"What are you doing?" Bongo Bongo snapped.

"They have a lot of blowback, don't judge me!" Link tried again, successfully destroying the barrier. It exploded in a green flash, revealing an image of Saria.

"The forest barrier is destroyed, hurry up Link!" she exclaimed.

"We just got in here! What do you mean 'hurry up'?!" Link asked indignantly.

"You stopped to talk to that owl and are behind in my eyes," Saria answered cheerfully. "Bye bye!" With another flash they were in the main chamber again, and the green beam was no longer powering the main barrier.

"That made backtracking easier," Navi commented.

"To the next one!" Link ran to down the stairs and entered the water mini-dungeon.

The others entered to see Link frozen and impaled by almost a dozen icicles. "I'll go back for the others," Bongo Bongo sighed.

-The Water Barrier-

"Well that was easy," King Dodongo said. "And what was timing us in the last room?"

"I think it was a Keese," Link said. "I saw one in the corner, sleeping. But I know it wasn't sleeping, it can't fool me…" He glared into the air, wondering what the Keese had been planning and thinking of what he could do to stop it from succeeding in its diabolical plots. He was ignored.

"So you blow this up and the respective sage says something, then sends you back to the main room?" Gohma asked. Navi nodded. "Have fun. Link, blow it up!"

"Okay!" Link destroyed the orb and Ruto appeared in the room. "Hello Navi my love! …And the rest of you. Your adventure is almost done, then we can be together!"

"Oh how joyous, I had almost thought I would never see you again," Navi muttered.

"Do not fear, Navi, it is almost time! Hurry Link, destroy the barriers and defeat Ganondorf!" They were warped back to the main room.

"I think I'm going to side with Ganondorf and destroy the kingdom," Navi muttered. "Think he'll accept a note saying 'I'm sorry, let's be friends'?"

Link looked at the sign above the next door. "This is the shadow medallion's sign, so this must be the shadow barrier!" Link ran into the massive, almost empty room. There was a random green bubble spinning in the middle of the room. He shot it with an arrow, killing it easily.

"I'm assuming that the Lens of Truth will show some invisible platforms," Bongo Bongo said. "Just a hunch."

Link held the lens to his eye. "Nope, still an empty abyss."

Everyone stared at him in shock, and Barinade fainted. "Y-you said abyss!" Gohma exclaimed. "Holy shit, what is going on?!"

"I'm scared!" Morpha screamed, but Barinade held him tightly.

"Shh, it's okay, we'll beat the big words out of mean old Link's head," Barinade said quietly, calming the shivering ball.

"We'll what?" King Dodongo punched him in the head, smashing Link into the wall.

"We weren't actually going to beat Link," Barinade told him. "That was to calm Morpha."

"Oh." King Dodongo pulled his fist from the wall, letting the limp Link fall to the ground. "Well I liked it."

It took some time, planning, and black magic, but they crossed the 'pit' as Link now called it. After hitting a switch a chest appeared, and inside was…

"HELP!" Link hit at the inside of the chest, having fallen inside when reaching in the chest and having it lock on him. "I CAN'T BREATHE! Ooo, shiny…"

Just as Barinade was about to open it, a golden gauntlet covered fist smashed the chest to pieces with a single punch. "You've found the Golden Gauntlets! You can feel even more power coursing through your arms! Grab and lift stuff up!"

"Who said that?" Phantom asked.

Link flexed his hands. "Cool, stronger things!"

"Can I have them?" Morpha asked.

"No."

The barrier room had another orb, in a purple pillar this time. "Is that pillar coming out of purple static?" Bongo Bongo asked, looking at the pool of pixels on the floor.

"You'd think that…" Link blew it up, and in a flash of light Impa appeared, for some reason with her arms up in a protective stance.

"The Shadow Barrier is dispelled," she said. "Please save the princess!"

"I think she's fine," Link said, nodding to himself.

-Upstairs-

Ganondorf sat on a stool, gasping for air. "Taking a breather," he groaned. The Iron Knuckles all glanced at each other and then at the raging princess before them. "You, cover for me."

The Stalfos he pointed at watched as Zelda smashed the crystal prison through an Iron Knuckle, killing it before it could get any chains on her. It sighed and approached her.

-In the chamber-

Link looked at the barrier surrounding the door. "We've broken half of the barriers, so would this thing be any weaker?" he asked the others.

"Do a test," Volvagia hissed. Link threw Morpha at the barrier. He was blown backwards in an explosion of dark energy, crashing into the wall and making a large hole. "There's your answer."

The fire mini-dungeon was a single room that was filled with lava and silver rupees. Several red bubbles were flying around the room. "This may hurt you all," Volvagia hissed, taking a seat to the side. "Have fun."

Link jumped onto the thin platform which shook and began to fall into the lava. He quickly leaped onto another platform, letting the first go back up but also causing that one to start falling. "I don't like this place!"

King Dodongo followed onto the thin platform. It sunk almost immediately, submerging the dragon and leaving Link stranded on a descending platform. He curled in the fetal position and began to cry, crying in uncontained misery.

After a physically impossible escape sequence which let everyone escape perfectly okay, they were standing before a massive column. "There's a silver rupee under it," Navi said.

"I'm on it." Bongo Bongo grabbed the column by both sides, pulling with all of his strength. He struggled to pull it up, but ended up dislocating his… I don't even know. "It's too heavy."

"My golden gauntlets will do it!" Link proclaimed, grabbing two of the corners.

"This'll be funny, won't it Koume?"

"I swear Kotake, next time I will-" Koume was hit out of the air by the column, Link having lifted it upwards and swung it behind him. He threw it into the lava, turning to the stunned group… aside from Gohma.

"Somehow, I expected it to work…"

The fire barrier was exactly the same as the other ones, just with red energy. "Okay, you can do this Link," Link said to himself as he aimed his arrow. "You just have to take out the arrow and bow, string it up, pull the arrow back so that it will go somewhere when released, aim at the target which will be destroyed and allow us to proceed further into Ganondorf's lair, charge it with light energy…"

Volvagia moved forward to interrupt him but stopped by Gohma. "It would be wise to let him finish, trust me."

"…and let go." Link destroyed the orb, which exploded in red light. Medigoron appeared from the glow.

"What the hell? Where am I? Why are you here? Why am I here?"

Darunia hit him out of the way. "He's not the Sage of Fire!" he yelled at no one in particular before facing the group. "Good job brothers, sisters, and genderless ambiguous yet respected beings! The fire barrier is now dispelled. You are a step further in your quest!"

"Finally, that room took forever," Navi said.

"Ah, fairy-sister. Ruto wants me to tell you that she's waiting for you and loves you with two of her three hearts. The last is reserved for family, so she is unable to pledge it to you."

Navi began to strangle herself.

Once warped to the main chamber, they approached the column blocking the next barrier mini-dungeon, the light one. Link lifted it as easily as he had lifted the last one and turned around, nearly taking out several companions. He threw it at the barrier, but it was blown to pieces which were launched back at him at high speeds. There was much pain.

The first room had six treasure chests. "Let's open this one!" A gust of cold air froze Link solid. He was defrosted by Volvagia. "Let's open this one!" A flamethrower set him aflame. Morpha put it out. "Let's open this one!" An arrow shot out and impaled his chest. He pulled the arrow out and put it in his quiver. "Let's open this one!" A European orchestra jumped out and began to gang beat Link; punching, kicking, and hitting him with instruments until he was barely alive. They ran off afterwards, never to be seen again… or so you think.

It turned out that they had to kill invisible Keese and Skulltulas to get another chest that actually had a key in it.

The second room was tiny with just a Triforce symbol on the floor. "This is easy," Navi stated. "Play Zelda's Lullaby."

"Huh? Oh, that one. We haven't played that one in weeks, I can't remember the notes."

They experimented, going through every possible combination until they found it. By the time they had several hours had passed. "This is why you should write them all down," Navi lectured.

"And this is why you should shut up." Link smacked her with the flat side of his sword.

Inside the third room was several boulders and more silver rupees. Bongo Bongo and Gohma teamed up, fighting an intense battle against the boulders until they were finally vanquished. Link then grabbed the silver rupees and happily walked into the orb room… which was empty.

"There's no orb!" Link cried.

"Maybe it's invisible," Bongo Bongo suggested.

"Everything is invisible to all you kids," Kotake said. "Back in my days things were never invisible. In fact, they were so visible that the challenge was not seeing them, a feat that only the most skilled could succeed in. I was of course one of the elites and was capable of stuff like that, as well as taming the dreaded desert buffalo. Those desert buffalo were vicious monsters, they killed over sixteen million a year. Our burial grounds were full after the first week, so Koume and I spent almost a month researching an alternate method to store our dead. We eventually invented the concept of cremation, but unfortunately it was an untested method and so we had to do at least a week of testing. We set a pile of bodies on fire, but it spread and set the ground on fire. We put it out, but the ground was no longer the fertile due to the intense heat damage. Thanks to the death of the plants the desert buffalo starved to death and we were praised as heroes. We had nearly no crops and food, but because of the huge death tolls there weren't enough of us left to have to worry about that. Everything worked out in the end, and the desert buffalo were hunted to extinction. Isn't that right Koume?"

"Stop!"

-The barrier orb-

"Seriously… what the fuck was that about?" Bongo Bongo asked angrily.

"It's nothing," Koume said.

Link destroyed the orb, and in a flash of light Rauru appeared. "The light barrier has been dispelled. You are almost there, keep going!" They were brought back to the main area. "I'm too old for this…"

"No you're not!" Ruto yelled from the background.

The last mini-dungeon was the spirit one. The very first room had four Armos statues, a Beamos Statue, silver rupees, and moving spike floor things. "Voices? Are you here too?"

The second room was split in two by a wall of bars which left a small gap at the top. On the other side was a switch that would hit it open. Morpha was thrown through the hole into the switch, activating it. After another mess involving several Wallmasters they had reached the final barrier orb. Link pulled out his light arrows and destroyed it.

There was a flash of light, and Nabooru appeared, leaping at Link with a scimitar. He screamed and dove out of the way. Nabooru nearly cut open Phantom, barely missing. "What the hell? You aren't Dinofols!"

"Are you still at that training ground?" Navi asked her.

"I should be, but now I'm here," Nabooru answered. "What the fuck is going on?!"

Rauru appeared in a second flash of light. "The spirit barrier is dispelled. This is it Link, the final confrontation!" He sent them all back to the main room.

"This is another sage thing, isn't it?"

"Yes. We are supposed to be prepared for the destruction of Ganondorf's barriers and be ready to say some encouraging things to the heroes."

"That's pointless. Do I even do anything as a sage, at all? We made a bridge, that's about it. Unless we're going to drop a big bridge on Ganon we aren't doing much."

"Be quiet and wait."

"Or you tell me now and I _will _show up when we're doing it."

Rauru sighed. "Fine…"

-The main chamber-

Ganondorf's barrier went nuts, spinning rapidly and letting out a blinding flash of light before it was gone. "That was weird," Link said.

"I think Ganondorf would have noticed that," Phantom added.

Navi nodded. "Probably."

-Upstairs-

Ganondorf stopped what he was doing. "Someone just broke the six barriers that were placed in positions that were easily accessible to anyone that could find an easy way to enter my castle, and can now get into the main tower which leads to here." He turned to the son of the Moblin that designed his castle. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"


	40. Ganondorf

_Published December 2, 2009_

**Ganondorf**

The staircase spiraled around the central rooms of the tower, the walls decorated with torches and elegant paintings. "Link, you can't steal those," Navi told Link, who had taken his fifth painting off of the wall. He passed it to his walking storage, King Dodongo.

"Why? It's all Ganondorf's stuff, and will make lots of money!" King Dodongo exclaimed.

"Beca- Wait why am I arguing about this? It's Ganondorf's stuff. Go ahead, take them all."

"That's the spirit!" King Dodongo grabbed three more. A fire Keese flew over and casually burned the paintings to ashes.

-The first room-

Two Dinofols were standing on the other side of the room as Link and his group entered. "_…so I said 'Shut up, stop dancing, and get out of my house you psycho!' He of course went nuts and started eating my cutlery, but the sharp metal made him choke and die after a while. True story._"

The other Dinofol starred blankly at the first one. "_What you have just said is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. In fact, were I not under oath that I wouldn't do so, I would disembowel you on the spot and set fire to the remains of your dying body. Your story has won you no respect, and I feel stupider for hearing it. I think I'm going to go throw up on babies to get the bad taste out of my mouth._"

"_You could have just said you didn't like it…_"

Link set the first Dinofol on fire with a flaming arrow. It yelped and ran around in circles for a minute before falling to the ground and burning to death. The second Dinofol took out its weapon and turned to face the incoming dangers. What it saw was a large group consisting of a warrior, a fairy, an insect Cyclops, two dragons, two witches, a Ganondorf look-alike, an anemone, a ball, and a mostly invisible monster. "_'Sign up at Ganondorf's castle' the wife says. 'It will be an easy paycheck' the wife says…_"

"Anyone have any idea what it's saying?" Phantom asked as the Dinofol growled to itself.

"No, now kill it," Navi ordered. Link shot an ice arrow, freezing the beast in a block of ice. Bongo Bongo shattered it with one punch.

There was another large staircase after that room, but this one fortunately had no fire Keese. It also had nothing for King Dodongo to loot.

"Does anyone else hear something?" Morpha asked as they continued to ascend the steps.

"Kind of," Link answered. Everyone stopped walking and listened to their surroundings intently.

"It sounds like someone's holding down several keys on an organ and not letting go," Phantom said.

"Ewwwww…"

"Not that type of organ."

The next room was the same as the last, except there were two Stalfos who decided to fight instead of talk. One leaped at Link, slashing downwards with its sword. He blocked it easily before cutting the undead creature's arm off. "Why do they always go for me?"

"You kind of have this aura of 'kill me now, I'm easy and annoying'," Gohma told him as she kicked the same Stalfos across the room. "It's the reason everyone, even us, wants you dead."

"Everyone doesn't want me dead!"

"Yes we do."

"Indeed."

"I, BARINADE, wish I could kill you right now."

"I'm kind of neutral on it."

"You piss me off."

"Somewhat, I haven't known you very long though."

"I hate you more than anyone else here."

"Of course we do, isn't that right-"

"I already answered!"

Link pouted as the remaining Stalfos was defeated.

The noise, for lack of a better word, from above could be heard very clearly in the third room. Standing across the room were two Iron Knuckles, a white one and a black one. They stood unmoving, as usual. "Let's stab them through the face," King Dodongo suggested.

"Or break their skulls open!" Barinade swung his hammer, the blunt object smacking the white Iron Knuckle in the head. It swung its axe, nearly taking off a tentacle. "I, BARINADE, will not stand for this!" The Iron Knuckle cross checked Barinade, knocking him onto his back. "Wow, you're so witty. 'I will not stand for this' so you knock him over. Ha ha ha ha, I'm laughing my ass off. It-"

Bongo Bongo pulled him back to avoid being killed by a vertical swing.

"Let's take them out one at a time," Phantom said. "So Link, DO NOT TOUCH THE OTHER ONE!"

Link walked passed both Iron Knuckles and opened the door. "It's not even locked, we could skip them if we want." The white one turned to swing at Link and nicked the black one, activating it. "I didn't do it this time!"

"Someone end this," Navi sighed.

King Dodongo began to charge up a ball of fire. "I'M OVER HERE!" Link screamed.

"Brace yourself," was King Dodongo's concerned comment before he blasted the fire at the three. The two Iron Knuckles were singed but for the most part unhurt while Link was cowering behind his Mirror Shield… wait…

A huge ball of fire was blasted back across the room, knocking King Dodongo into the air. He collided with Phantom, Koume, and Bongo Bongo, injuring all of them.

"Pain… So much… pain," Phantom groaned.

"Suck it up," Gohma snapped while attempting to lift King Dodongo off of them. "This can't be good for my back."

"Suck it up," Bongo Bongo said.

"I can leave this guy on you."

"Stop talking! Help!" Link screamed as he evaded the attacks of two Iron Knuckles. Volvagia swooped in and knocked the black one over where it lay like a turtle on its back.

"Now focus on the other one," he hissed.

"Shouldn't I kill the downed one so it doesn't cut my feet off when I'm not looking?"

"No. There's no reason."

Link was unable to retort as the white Iron Knuckle swung at neck level, coming inches from taking off his head. He struck it in the face with his shield and then stabbed it through the forehead. As expected, this did very little. "I need sticks!" he yelled.

"Does this count?" Phantom asked, holding up his sceptre.

"Let's find out." Phantom tossed it to Link who caught it and faced the Iron Knuckle. He thrust the sceptre into its face, through the hole his sword had already made. It didn't do much either. "Mission failed, MISSION FAILED!"

The now upright King Dodongo punched at this one, but it was blocked with its axe. The Iron Knuckle deflected the blow and then blunt-ended him in the face, making the dragon stagger backwards. "Let's all get him at once," King Dodongo growled. "On the count of three. One… two… three!" King Dodongo charged but was hit back. "What the hell guys?!"

"We need time to prepare," Bongo Bongo said as he cracked his back. "You were just on top of me for a while, I'm still in pain."

-After a ridiculously complicated battle scene-

"And that's finally done," Navi sighed as they closed the door, leaving that painful event behind them.

"The noise is louder," Morpha said. The noise shifted to a different pitch and stayed there. "I think we're close."

The stairs reached another large door which then led to a massive chamber. It had a big pillar in the middle that was climbable despite the fact that it went straight to the ceiling. "Moving on…" There was another door and a final level of stairs, this one longer than all of the others. At the top there was one last door, and the noise could be heard much more clearly at this point. It was obviously on the other side of this door.

"This is it," Link said. "Ganondorf is probably in there."

"Yes, we get it," Gohma said. "Stop stalling every time we're about to get closer to the end of this thing."

"Link looked at the door before him, swallowing the excess saliva in his mouth. He sighed, approaching the door which prepared to magically open without his touch. Just before getting there he stopped and turned, glaring at me for an unknown reason-" Link smacked Morpha with the flat side of his sword. "Fine, ruin my lightening of the mood."

The chamber was large, almost as large as the one below it. It had golden stained glass windows surrounding it, unable to be seen through. The floor was divided into many box shaped tiles, and in the middle with his head down on a massive pipe organ was the king of evil himself, Ganondorf. He shifted his head slightly, the notes being held down changing.

"We've found you!" Link exclaimed, taking out the Master Sword.

Ganondorf grunted before lifting his head, turning to face the heroes. "Come back in an hour, I'm not in the mood to deal with you all right now. I just spent this whole time trying to catch the bitch above us."

"I will blow your head in half!" Link looked up to see Zelda suspended in the crystal, though this time the crystal was connected to the walls and ceiling by several large chains.

"Hi Zelda!" Link took a step closer, but suddenly a Triforce appeared on the back of his left hand, the bottom right section brighter than the others. The same happened to Zelda, just with the bottom left.

"My hand feels warm," Ganondorf mumbled as one appeared on him as well, his brighter section being the top. He stared at Link for a moment. "Wait a minute... The Triforce! The parts are preparing to combine into one again. This means that I can finally get the two parts I could not get seven years ago..."

Barinade sighed. "I don't care anymore."

"No 'I, BARINADE' this time?" Gohma asked him.

"I'm not in the mood... Who am I kidding, I, BARINADE, am always in the mood to be invincible, incredible, indecent, and indescribably awesome!"

Ganondorf did not appear to be listening as he had continued his monologue during their conversation. "I did not expect them to be in you two, especially the green kid. I had expected someone like Impa, Kaepora, or even that Honey Nut Cheerios Bee... He is the most courageous one of them all!" Ganondorf laughed to himself, becoming anxious as his chance to make his wish a reality came closer. "And now, I have one part and the other is in the hands of a kid mentally incapable of understanding half of the words in my last sentence. I'm so close..."

Ganondorf spun to face them, standing up from his seat. "Time has not been well to you," Navi commented. "Are those wrinkles I see?"

"Ganondorf, how many times have I told you to look in the mirror when you're done eating?" Kotake demanded. "You have some ketchup on your lip, isn't that right Koume?"

Koume groaned. "Yes Kotake, yes it is."

"That isn't ketchup, I hit my face off the keys too hard," Ganondorf mumbled, wiping the blood off of his lip. "These toys are too much for you!" He held up his fist, showing his symbol. "I command you to return them to me!"

**Ganondorf**_  
Great King of Evil  
_Species: Gerudo  
Hobbies: Mocking those that are less than him  
Likes: Being fresh and clean  
Dislikes: Over-involved mothers

"NEVER!" Ganondorf dodged another light arrow.

"Stop that." He noticed that it had struck his organ, causing heavy damage. "You broke my organ! That was my great half-uncle Gaunvindeff's organ!" He summoned a ball of white energy and threw it at Link. Link moved to the side and the energy hit Navi, exploding violently on contact and sending the now unconscious fairy sprawling to the ground.

"Great, you beat the only other smart one!" Gohma growled. "Looks like it's all up to me. You're going down, Ganondorf!" Gohma ran at Ganondorf, but he was surprisingly calm as she approached. King Dodongo noticed and ran after Gohma.

"He's smiling Gohma, that's not a good sign!"

Ganondorf gathered dark energy into his fist and struck the ground, creating a huge shockwave of energy. Gohma and King Dodongo were barely fazed. "That was anticlimactic." Ganondorf's smile got bigger. "Go get him, Gohma."

"With pleasure."

The blocks below them shook and fell to the room below, taking the two monsters with them.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

Koume and Kotake were deeply offended.

Ganondorf chuckled as he rose into the air. "Thanks for the good plan, mom."

Kotake snapped her fingers. "Right, the floor will fall if he hits it a certain way. Be sure to watch out for that."

"Thanks for the update!" Gohma roared from below.

Phantom looked down at Gohma and then to the fallen Navi. "Looks like we're the only logic left, Bongo."

"Never call me 'Bongo'. _Ever_."

Ganondorf created another ball of magic and threw it at the group. They all dodged it, though Volvagia swerved through the air and breathed a jet of fire at the dark lord. Ganondorf pulled up his cape and took the white hot flames head on. "This cape was sewn by the most intelligent, magical, and lifeless sewing masters of the Gerudo Desert. All they did was sew for four years straight, putting the magic to stand any type of hit into each and every thread. They then dyed it pretty colours."

Barinade approached the edge of the outer rim, looking at the pillar Ganondorf was hovering above. "If I could jump I could make it over there."

"Here ya go." Bongo Bongo suddenly punched Barinade in the back. The blow knocked Barinade forward enough to put him on Ganondorf's pillar.

"Good job! You have succeeded in assisting the great BARINADE in his mission to get under Ganondorf. Wow, you smell horrible!"

"Gee, I wonder why!" Ganondorf punched down at Barinade who held onto the pillar despite the shockwave. Barinade swung his hammer and managed to deliver a strong hit to Ganondorf's knee, but the king of evil shook it off and bombarded Barinade with small balls of dark energy. Just before Barinade was pushed into the pit with the others, Koume set his hair on fire.

"No using dangerous magic in the glass room!"

Ganondorf turned and roundhouse kicked her off of her broom.

"Don't treat your mother like that!" Kotake set his hair on ice. The mixture did nothing in the end. In the future, the two witches would look back at this moment and laugh jovially, commenting on how stupid they acted into such a decisive moment. Others would laugh along with them.

Barinade and Volvagia attacked simultaneously with fire and electricity respectively. Ganondorf held his fists out as the attacks drew closer to him and spun, hitting Volvagia's attack into Barinade and Barinade's attack into Volvagia. He grabbed Volvagia by the tail in his stunned state and swung, hitting Barinade into the pit before throwing the large dragon at Kotake. She froze him solid as he approached. This did nothing aside from making an even larger object crash into her.

"Link, defrost Volvagia. Bongo Bongo, find a way to get the others up here. I'll hold him off!" Phantom ordered as he took control of the situation.

"What do I do?" Morpha asked eagerly.

"Wobble a bit, you may distract him."

"I hope you die."

Phantom flew closer to Ganondorf and threw his own ball of magic at his former master. Ganondorf grinned and swung his arm, hitting it back at Phantom Ganon. Phantom hit it with his sceptre, sending the ball shooting towards Ganondorf. Ganondorf however brought up his arm and backhanded the energy back at Phantom before it could hit him. Phantom was able to predict this and retaliated, jutting his spectre out to strike the energy back at Ganondorf once more. It did not connect as Ganondorf used his mighty arms to knock the dangerous attack at Phantom. Phantom then threw Morpha at Ganondorf, the ball-boss hitting him in the forehead and sending Ganondorf to the ground.

Link defrosted Volvagia with a fire arrow. "That was easy." He then watched Phantom and Ganondorf hit Morpha back and forth. It was boring to watch.

Koume hobbled over to Kotake and helped her sister stand back up. "You took quite a hit Kotake, are you alright?"

"I am fine, Koume. Just a bit skeletally crushed, nothing I cannot walk off."

Bongo Bongo went down to Gohma, King Dodongo, and Barinade. "The walls are greased, I can't climb them," Gohma said. "He planned all this just to take me out of the battle."

"Don't be conceited, it is obvious that the trap was made to remove the great BARINADE from the battle. With me there he could never win."

"Please get me out of here," King Dodongo whispered to Bongo Bongo as the other two began to argue. Words turned to fists, fists turned to weapons, and weapons turned to a heavily injured Gohma and Barinade.

"I'll find a way."

Up above, Phantom had finally been hit by one of the dark magic attacks and was now on his knees, barely supported by his own sceptre. Link stood with his sword drawn and his shield ready; finally about enter his own duel with Ganondorf. "Oh boy, how did I get in this?" he asked himself as the nine foot tall black magic wielding Gerudo King of all evil stared the skirt wearing Hylian down.

"I believe that I first dealt with all of your far more powerful than you companions, and you're all that's left." He dodged a lunge from Volvagia and punched him in the face. "Now you're all that's left. And need I remind you that none of them managed to even touch me?"

"I took you out of the air," Morpha reminded him from below. Ganondorf nudged him into the pit.

"It's just you and me here, 'Hero of Time'."


	41. The Final Battle

_Published December 11, 2009_

**The Final Battle**

Gohma punched Morpha to the side as he fell down the pit. "Bongo Bongo, is there any way at all to get up there?"

"The doors are locked and the walls are greased," Bongo Bongo replied. "So you're stuck down here for now."

Gohma went over to the side to break some more of Ganondorf's pottery in rage. King Dodongo was tearing the gold off of the walls and storing them under his tongue to sell them later. Barinade was thinking to himself.

"I, BARINADE, think that I, BARINADE, have an idea," Barinade said.

"And that would be?"

Up above, Link was hiding in the corner, cowering behind his shield as Ganondorf bombarded it with energy attacks. "Is the hero afraid of the big bad Gerudo?" Ganondorf mocked.

"Yes! I'm actually quite terrified of the big magic guy throwing exploding light at me!" Link answered him. Ganondorf was briefly distracted by Koume and Kotake merging into Twinrova, giving Link some time to think. "Ganondorf is big and strong, so a direct attack would fail. What was that instant death thing Navi told me about...? It had something to do with the nose. Maybe if I stare at Ganon hard enough I'll figure out..."

Twinrova swatted Ganondorf's energy ball to the side and shot her own fiery attack at him. It was blocked by his cape and followed by Ganondorf putting some distance between him and his fused mothers. He raised both arms above his head. "I've been practicing a new move mo- um... parent! Tell me how much you like it!" A large black blob of energy began to form above Ganondorf, growing larger and larger. Twinrova prepared herself as it got bigger.

A light arrow hit Ganondorf in the side, exploding on him and throwing the king of the Gerudo to the ground. Link hopped over. "Upwards palm thrust to the nose, instant death!" he exclaimed.

"Wow, he remembered something," Navi muttered as she slowly regained consciousness.

Link delivered a quick uppercut to Ganondorf's nose, completely shattering his wrist. He fell to the ground screaming as Ganondorf rubbed his nose. "That could've almost hurt! You bastard!" Ganondorf threw Link across the room before turning back to Twinrova. "Where were we?"

"I was deciding what to reduce your weekly allowance to."

Ganondorf began to charge his attack again without another word.

Volvagia, seeing that Twinrova was handling everything fine, slithered over to Link. "That failed rather badly," he hissed.

"I NOTICED!" Link cried as he tended to his decimated bone.

Ganondorf swung back, and threw the ball of energy forwards. It exploded into a half dozen smaller balls which all made a beeline at Twinrova. The witch suddenly split into two, and the two witches flew in opposite directions as they shot a beam of their respective magic at him.

As Link wasn't paying any attention to the fight, he jumped when Koume was thrown just inches above him and through one of the windows of the tower. "That looked painful," Kotake said. "You shouldn't hit your elders Ganondorf, it's not right. Isn't that right Koume? Oh, right."

"Link," Phantom said as he limped over to him. "Doesn't his fighting seem similar to mine to you?"

Link watched Ganondorf toss ball after ball of energy at Kotake. "Somewhat."

"Then if you hit them back it should stun him too. So get up, quit bitching about a shattered wrist, and kick his ass!"

Link decided to do so because Phantom told him to in a very scary way. He got Ganondorf's attention by firing a light arrow at him. It missed, but it got his attention. "I had forgotten about you," Ganondorf admitted. "If I get your Triforce section I can end all this!" Ganondorf began to create his massive black ball again.

"Remember, hit it back!" Phantom reminded him. Ganondorf threw the ball which exploded into several smaller, swerving balls that all went at Link. "Fall back, FALL BACK!" Link screamed and ran away from the dangerous attacks.

"Your advice sucks!"

Ganondorf threw another attack at Link. Link took Phantom's advice this time and slashed it with his sword, watching it go back to Ganondorf. Ganondorf hit it again, and the two began to hit the ball back and forth. "My arm hurts," Link said as he hit it again.

"Switch hands."

"That one's broken!"

"Suck it up."

Link hit the ball one more time before he couldn't hit it anymore, his arm was too tired. "I really should have exercised more," he panted.

"Yes you should have!" Ganondorf laughed as he drew back his arm, the energy getting closer.

From the pit came a small ball at lightning speeds, screaming at the ones who threw it. Morpha crashed into Ganondorf's face, hitting him off balance as the energy exploded on him repeatedly. Phantom grabbed the light arrows and fired, missing by a lot. "These things _do _have a lot of blowback!"

"Told ya."

He hit Ganondorf the next time, bringing him to the ground. Link hopped over the gap and slashed at Ganondorf's chest. His sword bounced off the thick armour. "Thrust!" Navi commanded as she flew over from the sidelines.

With one thrust, Link pierced the black armour and drove his sword into the Gerudo King's chest. "YES!"

Ganondorf punched Link in the face. "Damn kid..." he coughed, some blood dripping down his lip. "To think... that I'd lose to some random, untrained, brain dead, insignificant, short, slow, weak, wimpy, cowardly, unskilled, skirt wearing, high-pitched screaming-" Link pulled the sword out and stabbed Ganondorf again. "...idiot." He rose to his feet and began to glow.

"Oh, are you doing that Ganondorf?" Kotake asked. "I think it looked pretty when you do that."

"What, what's he doing?" Link asked as he backed away from the glowing man.

"Blowing up the room."

"Oh crap."

Ganondorf let out an explosion of light, obliterating the walls and ceiling.

-Below-

"I heard something," King Dodongo said.

"I saw something," Gohma said.

"I am something," Barinade said. "That something is BARINADE!" he added.

-Upstairs-

Link looked out from behind his shield to see the room completely destroyed. The walls were gone, the ceiling had fallen, the floor was charred... the only thing left was the small part of the wall behind him. Ganondorf was standing in the middle of the room, no longer glowing. He chuckled a bit before falling to the floor, unmoving.

"I-I won?"

"Yup, you won," Navi said.

"So it's all finally done?"

"Yup, it's done."

Zelda's crystal prison, now free of chains, fell to the ground. She broke it open and kicked Ganondorf's side. "I know you're still alive!" she snapped. "Dy_ing_, but not dead."

"You're going to attack him, aren't you?" Navi asked her.

"Yes I am."

Gate flew down from the ceiling. "Hi guys! Guess who was watching from the roof?"

"Wait, wait, let me guess," Navi said. "Give me a chance to throw in my estimate of who was watching from the area that you have flown down from. Was it... by any faint, fleeting chance, you who was watching from the roof area that you came from?"

"Um... yes."

Koume, Kotake, Volvagia, and Phantom were nowhere to be seen. "Where are the others?" Link asked the three as Zelda ruthlessly attacked the downed Ganon.

"Probably blown off," Zelda said. A large cracking noise came to their attention, and the castle began to shake. "That's bad."

"What do we do?" Gate asked, panicking.

"Stay here and keep Ganondorf company," Navi said. "The rest of you, move!"

As the castle began to break apart, Link and Zelda were fleeing down the ramp that circled around the tower, going as fast as they could. "This is all your fault!" Zelda screamed as they ran.

"How is any of this my fault?!"

"Why couldn't you stab his face or something? Why let him do stuff?!"

"Last instant-kill thing I did really hurt!"

"It's stabbing in the fucking face, HOW WOULD IT BACKFIRE?!"

"You never know in this day and age... Dammit, I left the Master Sword in his gut!" Link stopped to turn around but the ramp behind him broke apart. "Navi, can you get it?"

"Yes, I can grab the three foot steel sword and carry it to you. I'll get right on that."

"Thanks, you're the best Navi!"

"Let's keep moving."

Unfortunately the path on the side of the tower ended, the only way inside blocked by dozens of metal bars. "I shall take care of these!" Link exclaimed, pulling out a bomb. He threw it at the bars, but it bounced off and landed in his hand. Link dropped it and dove out of the way, the explosion breaking the ground.

Zelda smacked the back of his head before pulling the bars out of the wall with magic. She threw it off of the tower and then walked inside. A pouting Link, one that had wanted to see a ka-boom, followed.

The door had gone to the chamber below the battleground, the one that Gohma, King Dodongo, Morpha, Barinade, and Bongo Bongo were in. "What's going on?" King Dodongo asked. "This whole place is shaking!"

"The castle's breaking," Link said as they ran passed them.

"Bye!" Bongo Bongo disappeared.

"I'm coming too!" Barinade said, running after them. He was followed by Gohma and King Dodongo.

"Hey!" Morpha yelled. "Get back here!" Bongo Bongo grabbed him.

"Can I please come with you guys?" Gate called from the roof, his voice barely heard over the crumbling castle.

"NO!"

"So why's the place falling?" King Dodongo asked as Zelda broke another barred door off of the wall.

"Ganondorf did some light show that destroyed the room and I'm assuming that it made the castle unstable," Navi explained.

"Why didn't you stab him through the face before he did it?" Gohma asked.

"SEE?!"

After several more paths and barred doors the large group entered a room that trapped Zelda in a ring of fire. "Well this is inconvenient."

Two Stalfos dropped from the ceiling and simultaneously attacked Link. He blocked both swords and pushed them to the side. "See? _Always _me."

"We noticed." Gohma punched at one of the agile bone monsters, missing it. The Stalfos counted with a spinning slash, deeply cutting Gohma's arm while at the same time wedging its sword in her. Gohma yanked the blade from its grip and punched again. This time the Staflos was thrown back, but it managed to recover from the hit.

Meanwhile, Link was duelling with the other. Well, it was a duel until Barinade began to shoot electricity at it. The skeleton bent and jumped wildly as it tried to avoid being hit, but it was not to be. Its foot was charred by one of the lightning bolts!

"I shall take care of this!" King Dodongo began to inhale.

"NO!" everyone screamed, but it was too late. Well, not really, but he continued regardless of their screams.

-After that room-

"Why can't we leave him behind?" Zelda growled as she ran, still trying to put out the fire in her hair.

"He's bigger and stronger than us all," Navi answered, sighing in disappointment.

"I could always throw one of these bars through his face."

"Knowing my luck, it would fail."

"Let's try." Zelda broke the next door open and threw them at King Dodongo. At that moment the dragon had seen a shiny rupee on the floor and bent over to face-grab it. The bars flew passed him, bounced off a wall, and nearly impaled Barinade. Barinade panicked and threw his hammer randomly, hitting Navi and taking her out of the air. "I guess you were right. Oh well, no harm in trying." Navi weakly flipped her off.

After that door, they were at the final hallway, the one that led out of the crumbling castle. The room behind them caved in the moment they left it. A large, golden statue of a very muscular and shiny Ganondorf, also possessing bright silver teeth, holding the head of the king of Hyrule fell to block the door they had come from. King Dodongo stopped, staring at it. "That's real gold!" he announced after a millisecond of looking at it.

"No! No stopping!" Gohma and Barinade both grabbed him and attempted to drag the behemoth away from the golden statue.

"If melted down and sold to the correct buyer, that gold could give me at least six million rupees," he analyzed, latching onto the statue and resisting their pulls. "Let me free it!"

"What's more important: money or your life?" Zelda grunted as she tried to pull him off with magic.

"Always money!" he roared, punching at the walls around the doorway to get in. Once he began punching at the walls of the unstable castle everyone screamed and abandoned him, running for the exit as fast as they could. A ReDead attempted to halt their run but was trampled.

Link, Zelda, Gohma, and Barinade all sprinted out the back exit, finding themselves at the edge of the floating rock that held Ganondorf's fortress. "Who makes a castle floating over lava? That's just asking for it to fall in!" Zelda yelled.

The side of the tower closest to them collapsed, most likely due to King Dodongo. It didn't waste any time, starting to fall toward them almost instantly. After a quick escape it fell into the lava with the rest of them unharmed. The walls all fell inwards, and after a few more seconds what was once a tall, imposing stronghold became a pile of rubble.

Kae Gae stared from the still standing entrance arch. "What the fuck did you do in there?"

"Aw, it didn't hit you?" Link groaned.

"Hey! I've been genuinely helpful lately!"

A clawed hand broke out, showing off a golden statue of Ganondorf. "Got it!"

It took a few minutes to recuperate. Phantom, Koume, Kotake, and Volvagia had been blown out of the castle during Ganondorf's big light show but due to the power of flight they were fine. Bongo Bongo appeared with Morpha, digging out the very happy King Dodongo. It seemed that everyone was still alive... everyone.

All the rubble in the middle exploded outwards, nearly cleaning the arena of debris. Ganondorf rose into the air, his eyes glowing bright yellow and his form silhouetted. He was breathing heavily, though the sword stuck in his chest may have to do with that.

Gate flew down from where the castle had previously been. "Yeah, turns out he wasn't dead and he started following you guys," he said. "Then the castle fell on him, I got sad, but he's okay! We really hit it off back during the time I was a hostage and now have a really deep, meaningful bon-" A ball of dark energy threw him out of the air.

"It's not over!" Ganondorf roared, lightning striking in the background. It hit just beside a cow, scaring it. The cow ran around and hit Ingo over. "Not yet..." He brought his hand up, the Triforce symbol glowing brightly. The glow covered his whole body and began to change the king of evil.

"He's getting bigger!" Link exclaimed.

"He's getting horns!" King Dodongo exclaimed.

"He's getting a tail!" Morpha exclaimed.

"He's getting two giant sword-like objects!" Barinade exclaimed.

**GANON**

"It appears that one more battle awaits you," Kae Gae said, nodding to himself. "It will certainly be a challenging one, the most difficult battle yet. I wish you good luck, and I shall be watching you... from over there." He spread his wings and flew across the moat of lava. "Good luck!"

Ganon roared into the air, smashing stone to pieces with just his swords. A ring of fire surrounded the arena, preventing escape. "Hit him with the blade of evil's bane!" Navi ordered. "The one that... he has in his chest."

Ganon didn't seem at all fazed by the sword in his chest.

"Well, go get it Link," Zelda said, pushing him forward. Link kicked and screamed, but was eventually pushed, unarmed, to face the monster before him. Ganon roared again and kicked Link, sending him crashing into the Princess and both of them into the wall of fire.

Volvagia dove at Ganon, shooting fire at him and lashing out at the Master Sword with his tail. Ganon blocked the fire with one of his massive swords and swung at the airborne menace. Volvagia swerved around the attack and struck out with his tail, but Ganon saw this coming and grabbed his tail. "Let go!" he hissed. Before Volvagia could attack Ganon swung him into a pillar, smashing the dragon through it skull first. He then dropped the now unconscious dragon, turning to face the remaining heroes.

"Even though he's our enemy, I enjoyed that," King Dodongo said, nodding contently while petting the statue.

"We need the Master Sword!" Zelda reminded them. "Someone go and get it!" Everyone looked at the looming figure of Ganon, another bolt of lightning flashing in the background as he roared.

"Gohma, go get it," Barinade said, nudging Gohma.

Gohma glared, getting him to stop. "We need to all attack at once. If we hurt Ganon enough he'll let his guard down and one of us can grab the sword."

"Why do we call him Ganon instead of Ganondorf now?" Link asked.

"Because he's a giant pig!" Gohma responded.

"O...kay..."

King Dodongo put the statue beside Zelda. "Look after him for me, okay?"

"_Him_?"

"Yes, him."

"Bongo Bongo, since you can go invisible I want you to retrieve Volvagia," Gohma said. "Everyone else, prepare yourself and announce when you're ready." Ganon began to approach them. "Prepare faster!"

King Dodongo charged at Ganon, forcing the giant bipedal boar to block. As he was being pushed back Gohma jumped over King Dodongo, landing fist first in his face. Ganon staggered back but was then struck by fire, ice, and lightning attacks. He roared, dropping to one knee. Gohma ran in for a second hit but found Ganon suddenly on his feet again, stabbing out with a sword. Gohma turned to avoid being skewered head on and managed to settle with getting impaled through the side. Ganon lifted Gohma up and flung her away.

"No! If I lose my enemies, I'll have no one to hate!" King Dodongo curled up and was thrown forward by Bongo Bongo, launching the massive dinosaur at Ganon. Ganon jumped into the air, barely making it over King Dodongo. He held a sword down and cut a long gash on King Dodongo's back as he passed under the warped Gerudo. King Dodongo broke from his ball form and fell face first into the dirt.

"Koume and Kotake's Double Dynamic Attack!" The two witches formed Twinrova again. "Boy, this sure takes a lot of energy out of me," she gasped. "Now Ganon, learn to respect your elders!" She threw several balls of ice, freezing the area around him. "Now!"

Bongo Bongo put his fists in front of himself and charged at Ganon. Ganon, not able to escape over the slippery ice, braced himself for impact with the only boss that was not affiliated with him.

The two beasts locked fists, attempting to power the other. Ganon dug his hooves into the ground as Bongo Bongo drove his... something into... um... he stayed firm against the push. Bongo Bongo pulled a fist back and swerved to the side, thrusting a palm at Ganon. Ganon dropped to the ground and stabbed upwards in an attempt to hit his large eye.

Bongo Bongo ducked back at the last second but continued his assault, punching with his disconnected fists. Ganon stabbed his left sword into one hand but was knocked on his ass from the other. He put his foot against the impaled hand and pulled on the sword, pulling himself upright and on top of the palm.

Gohma, King Dodongo, and Volvagia watched from the side. "I feel insignificant," King Dodongo pouted.

"You _are _insignificant," Volvagia confirmed.

"At least I didn't get taken out first!"

"At least I didn't get taken out by one hit!"

"I was never taken out! I just made a strategic retreat."

"So you ran away."

"I'm still here in the battlefield!"

"I'm going to get Ganon to tear my head off so I don't have to listen to you two," Gohma said as she walked over to the icy arena.

Link and Zelda were off to the side playing tic-tac-toe. "They have the sword yet?" Zelda asked. Link looked passed her to see Ganon tearing the ice off of the ground and throwing it at Bongo Bongo.

"Nope."

"I win again."

Link tore up the dirt they were playing on. "Stop using the same moves!"

"Stop falling for them."

Ganon slashed through a fire ball from Twinrova and ran at her. The witch flew away from him, still throwing fire and ice at him. Ganon eventually gave up on her and randomly attacked Phantom Ganon. "Why me?!"

Ganon responded with a sweeping slash.

Phantom flew up high and threw a ball of energy at Ganon. It was met with a slash powerful enough to send it flying back and hit Phantom almost instantly, launching him out of the arena and far away into the market square.

Kae Gae stared at Phantom as he disappeared over the horizon. "I'll admit that that was a good hit."

Volvagia snapped out, snaking his way between Ganon's legs and grabbing the Master Sword with his teeth. "It's stuck!" he growled, pulling on it. Ganon stepped on his tail, spinning in an attempt to tear him in half. All this did was pull Volvagia back but it also removed the Master Sword from his chest. Volvagia threw it to the side before turning to Ganon, getting kicked in the face by the other foot.

Navi immediately noticed the sword's freedom. "Link, grab it!" Link turned to see Ganon holding off all of the bosses at once.

"Do I have to get in there?"

"YES!"

Ganon saw the sword and tried to get to it before Link could. Bongo Bongo and Twinrova quickly got in his way, both attacking him. Ganon kept walking and threw them both to the side, nearing the sword much faster than Link was. Navi flew at Ganon, ramming him in the head. Ganon stopped walking and swung at Navi, missing the tiny fairy very easy. She rammed his head a few times before Ganon roared, throwing her backwards. He turned to see Link facing him with the Master Sword in his hands.

"I am going to piss myself if you roar."

Ganon roared.

"I think I'm too scared to piss myself. Never mind."

Ganon ran at Link, slashing at him with both swords. Link put up his shield, stopping the attacks but nearly having his arm destroyed by the impact. Ganon attacked again but this time Link had enough sense to move when he brought his arm back to swing. He took out his light arrows and shot one at Ganon's face, the arrow exploding in a flash of light in between his eyes. Ganon roared, grabbing his face and staggering backwards.

Twinrova flicked her wrist to create ice behind Ganon, tripping the beast and sending him onto his ass. Bongo Bongo picked up Gohma and slammed her down, fist first, into his stab wound. Ganon roared out but didn't waste any time before rolling onto his front to be on top of Gohma. He stood up, kicking the arachnid away.

Link shot another light arrow, but this time Ganon moved his head out of the way. "Save me Barinade!"

"I, BARINADE, shall deal with this threat!" Barinade ran at Ganon but was punched out of the way.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BARINADE! You bastard!" Link ran at Ganon, sword raised over his head. Ganon pulled his arm back, positioning his sword to stab through Link. Just as he came in range Ganon stabbed outwards, ready to impale Link.

Twinrova saw this and shot the ground with ice. Link slipped and slid under the sword, going between his legs to come out behind Ganon and just under his waving tail. Link shrugged and slashed upwards, cutting a deep wound in his tail.

Ganon roared, his tail flailing everywhere. "There seem to be a lot of nerves in his tail," Navi said, observing him. "Try stabbing it a few times."

Link hit him again before Ganon managed to kick him in the face. Ganon turned and ran at the downed hero, pulling his sword back to stab him for sure this time. Gohma narrowed her eye before running to intercept.

Ganon stabbed Link through the face, killing him instantly.

A fairy brought him back to life before bursting into flame. "Oh yeah, I still had one of those," Link said to himself. He then moved away from Ganon.

Ganon followed Link, the biggest threat at the moment. He continuously attacked, swinging his swords around leaving no time to retaliate. Link dodged as much as he could, pulling out his bow and shooting a light arrow only for it to miss. He ducked a two sword horizontal slash and rolled through Ganon's legs, slashing at his tail.

Unfortunately, Ganon ignored the pain and spun, jabbing at Link. He shielded it, getting thrown back. Now with some distance between them Link shot an ice arrow. It was blocked, but the sword was frozen in ice. Ganon shattered the ice with his other sword. "Are these arrows useful? At all?"

Ganon pursued him, chasing Link around the arena. Link hid behind some debris, but when Ganon smashed it he was not there. Ganon blinked, looked left and right for the hero of time. He pushed aside a small rock to see a hole that Link was in, digging to escape. "It was worth a shot."

Ganon snorted. He picked up Link and roughly threw him to the ground. The boar laughed, advancing on him.

"HELP!"

King Dodongo was taking bets on how long it would take for him to ask that. "Let's move in, team!"

King Dodongo rolled into a ball and was propelled forward by Bongo Bongo, hitting Ganon's back. Phantom continued the assault by hitting him in the face with a ball of energy, blinding the monster. Gohma punched his stab wound as Volvagia bombed his tail with fire, Twinrova adding to this with a storm of fiery rain. Bongo Bongo swept his palm across the ground and pushed Ganon, knocking him onto his front. He tried to get up but slipped on Morpha, sending him face first onto the ground.

"I AM BARINADE!" Barinade crushed his tail with his hammer.

Ganon roared in agony as he struggled to stand back up. A beam of light came from Zelda, holding him down. "I'm holding him down! Use the Master Sword to finish him off!"

Link saw Ganon struggling to stand again. He focused on the king of evil, pulling his arm back just as Ganon lunged at Link. He thrust his sword out, the blade impaling Ganon between the eyes.

Everything went still until Link pulled his sword out. Ganon screeched into the air, rising to his feet and flailing his limbs wildly. "It's over," Link sighed. One of Ganon's swinging arms cut a light gash on the tip of his nose. "Nearly let the piss out there."

"Six Sages," Zelda yelled, "now!"

-Chamber of the Sages-

"You heard the boss!" Rauru said to the other five Sages. "Open the sealed door and send the Evil Incarnation of Darkness into the evil realm!" He raised his hands above his head and a light appeared.

"How do we do that?" Ruto asked.

"Any specific instructions? I still haven't got the hold of this whole 'magic Sage powers' thingy yet," Nabooru said.

"Hold up your hands and let magic do stuff."


	42. Preventing the Future

_The last chapter! With this, my 3+ year long story has come to its end. I'd like to thank everyone that read this for keeping this going through the years despite many long breaks and whatnot, thanks for staying with it. It was fun to write and I can definitely say that from when I started to now that I've improved. Before GoW: Majora's Mask comes out I'm going to do a little bit with some of my other, neglected stories which I delayed updates on so that I could finish this. I hope that you enjoy the final chapter!_

_Also, YES! I passed 100 000 words!_

_Chapter 1 published July 14, 2006_

_Chapter 42 published December 18, 2009_

_Total days: 1252... yikes. I propose more regular updates next time._

**Preventing the Future**

"CURSE YOU... SAGES! CURSE YOU... ZELDA! Who is actually one of the Sages... Well I hate you more than the rest! Aside from Nabooru, the traitor. CURSE YOU... NABOORU! Oh, also you Darunia. You just piss me off for some reason. Also, FUCK YOU... LINK! Someday, when this seal breaks, I will exterminate your descendants! Or you if I get out fast enough."

Ganondorf was floating aimlessly in a white void. There was no floor, no walls, no roof, nothing but white. He crossed his arms.

"What if he doesn't procreate?" Gate asked, flying up beside him. "Or even worse, what if he's a eunuch? That would suck."

Ganondorf began to punch himself in the head, already regretting reaching out to grab the closest thing to him as he was pulled into the evil realm. Somehow Gate had been there.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to knock myself into a coma so I don't have to deal with you."

"I tried to do that once, it didn't turn out well. My head caught fire and turned into a pineapple! True story."

Ganondorf cried out in anguish. "No one deserves this fate..."

-Somewhere-

"Ganondorf has been successfully sealed inside the evil realm," Zelda reported.

"Before we go into that, I have a quick question," Link interrupted.

"What is it?"

"Why are we standing in the sky like there's a level plane?" The group was indeed standing in what appeared to be the sky, with blue and clouds above and below them.

"I do not like this," Barinade grumbled. "We are so high up that we cannot see the ground!"

"This isn't the sky. It's just a magical void that looks like the sky."

"Why can't we talk in a normal place?" King Dodongo asked. "I'm pretty sure that there's no reason t-"

"Everyone should SHUT UP ABOUT THE DIMENSION!" The talkers went quiet. "Good. Now I _should _be saying that all this death, destruction, et cetera is my fault by trying to get to the Triforce before Ganondorf, who didn't have a chance to begin with, instead of leaving it to someone older and more experience... but this is your fault, Link."

"What? How?"

"You could have easily left the Master Sword in the pedestal and prevented this whole deal from happening!"

"Actually, that would not have worked," a voice said. Kae Gae flew out of nowhere and landed beside Zelda, staying out of her arm's reach. "The timeline would split if something in the past changes the future, so this timeline would have been doomed. So this _is _your fault, princess." He hopped further back when she threw a punch at him.

"So this isn't my fault, and I did the best that I could! YES!" Link pulled out a large banner saying 'I DID GREAT' and threw confetti into the air. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a bag of party hats, holding one out for Gohma. She stared at him blankly.

"Okay, fine, it's my fault. That doesn't change what you have to do next, though. You need to place the Master Sword back in its pedestal and close the Door of Time so that Ganondorf cannot access it again. Doing this will also close the path between past and future. Give me the ocarina so I can return time to normal."

"Can't I just put the Master Sword back?"

"Trust me, this will be very different. You will be returned to before the sword had even been removed. I want you to find me and convince me to get Ganondorf arrested before he kills most of the castle town."

"Leave everything to me!"

"...Navi, I want you to find me and convince me to get Ganondorf arrested before he kills most of castle town."

"Can do."

"Good. Now give me the ocarina."

Link pulled out the blue ocarina and passed it to Zelda. "Can I keep that one when I go back? Saria's is **really** bad."

"I can hear you," Saria said from inches behind Link. He screamed and hid behind Bongo Bongo. "By the way, the balloons and cakes just came in. Where do you want them?" she asked Zelda.

"Just bring them to the ranch."

"What are balloons and cakes for?" King Dodongo asked almost immediately after that.

"The party that will celebrate Ganondorf's defeat which we're holding at the Lon Lon Ranch. And Link, before you ask, you can't come." She played the Song of Time and a pillar of light began to surround Link. "Bye forever!" He disappeared in a flash of light.

Zelda picked up the Triforce of Courage. "Now what will I do with this?"

-Immediately after Link was sent back-

Ganondorf nursed his bruised forehead. "I told you that it would hurt," Gate said to him.

"And I told you that I knew it would hurt and that that was the intention," he growled. "Time to find a way out of here. I refuse to be stuck with _you_ for an eternity!"

"Can I come out too? It would be lonely in here alone... I get lonely when I'm alone."

"I'm sure you do." Ganondorf swam through the air, hoping that he was moving. "Time to think of-" He ran into something. "The hell is this?" Ganondorf felt what was apparently there, finding a sort of wall. He covered his fist with magic energy and punched as hard as he could, easily breaking through the wall. He stretched the hole and stuck his head through. "It's Hyrule! That was really easy."

-Later at the Lon Lon Ranch-

The party was grand, the ranch completely packed. Everyone from everywhere was there, from the Kokiri to the Gerudo. There were also Gorons, Zora, townspeople, and Deku Baba.

"Ya know Ingo, I always loved ya," Talon slurred, his arm around Ingo's shoulder to support himself. He took another chug of beer.

"Thank you, Talon," Ingo muttered as he tried to avoid having the beer spilled on him. "Oh look, it's Malon! Go hang out with her for a bit, okay?"

"I-Ingo! Help me chase that bird!" He tried to run but fell on his face.

"That's what happens to you after forty beers," Ingo muttered to himself before walking off.

"DANCE OFFFFFFF!" Biggoron screamed, jumping to his feet. The ground shook under him as he began to dance. "Who willlllll challennnnnnge me?"

"I shall!" King Zora exclaimed, struggling to his feet.

Medigoron gave him a disbelieving look. "You're kidding, right?"

"No!" King Zora managed to stand, wobbling slightly but staying up. "Back in my youth, I was quite the dancer! Then my wife died and I got fat and lazy."

"That never happened," a Zora sighed.

"Bah, I'll show you!" He spun and began to break-dance wildly, doing things that many people didn't even know were possible. He was given many awards and eventually made the new King of Hyrule. Well, that was his concussion induced dream after falling over and landing on his head due to an attempted spin.

"None stand againssssst ME!"

-Death Mountain-

"Come on, let me go down and party! I can so beat him in a dance off!" Nabooru whined.

"No," Impa said. "I was told to not let you party after you almost doomed the world by leaving the sealing to play pool!"

"Oh yeah... I still say it was worth it."

"I think I'll stay and rest for a bit," Saria said from atop Darunia's head. "Sealing the king of evil in a different dimension took a lot of energy."

"I am going to party with my brothers!" Darunia exclaimed. "Princess Ruto, would you like to come with me?"

"Navi may be there... Yes I will!" Ruto jumped off of the peak and began to run down the side of the mountain.

"I was going to use Sage hocus-pocus to get us there, but that works too." He curled into a ball and rolled down the mountainside at full speed, slowly catching fire as he sped up.

"He's gruff but loveable," Impa commented.

Nabooru shivered, remembering her inauguration into the Sages. "When he's not trying to hug you, then he's terrifying."

"Yes he is Nabooru, yes he is."

-The past-

Link opened his eyes to find himself standing before the Master Sword. He held up his small, ten year old arms, comparing them to his medium sized, seventeen year old arms. "Oh well, it has to be done... or does it?" He eyed the Master Sword.

"NO!" Navi punched him. "Don't you dare touch that sword! It's quiet and peaceful now..."

At the sound of footsteps they turned, seeing Gohma and King Dodongo walking inside. "You'll never guess what happened!" Link exclaimed. "I get the third stone, but then Ganondorf comes and kills everyone! Then I pull out the Master Sword, go to the future, and become the biggest, best, and most powerful hero ever! I beat Ganondorf and save the world, then get sent back here!"

"I, BARINADE, do not approve of this lie!" he was blindsided by a blunt metal object, one that almost knocked him unconscious. It made quite the bloodstain.

Navi's eyes widened as she saw Barinade carrying the Megaton Hammer. "No... No! No, I refuse! NO!"

"What's she blabbering on about, Koume?"

Koume sighed. "She obvious hates us all and thought that going back in time would be an escape."

"She's not alone," Gohma grumbled. "I'm going to get drunk."

King Dodongo's head jerked toward Death Mountain. "My bar, it's MINE!" He laughed maniacally and ran off. The townspeople's screams could be heard.

"Never mind that. I'm going to get high."

"No! Don't leave me with them Gohma!" Navi begged as Gohma walked into the distance. More screams followed. "You're the only sane one left!"

Phantom chose to ignore this.

Bongo Bongo became visible. "I don't think that we should leave through the main town, it has a wee little chance of causing a panic. We need Ganondorf arrested, not us."

"I don't think we'll be arrested," Volvagia hissed as he looked at the town. "Many will die, yes, but we won't be arrested."

"You sound happy about that," Bongo Bongo said suspiciously.

"Indeed."

Navi had a blank expression on her face as she stared at them, unmoving. "I'd pat you on the shoulder, but that may crush you," Phantom said sympathetically.

"It... it's okay. Hey everyone!" They all looked at her. "I'm... I'm going to go and... pizza, get pizza! I'm going to go get us all some pizza." She rose, flying upwards and toward the window above them. Navi wordlessly went out the window.

"See you in a bit!" Link yelled.

"She ain't coming back," Phantom muttered. "I'm going to get drunk, where did Kingy go?"

"Follow the destruction," Barinade told him.

"A specific area would be nice."

Link sighed, walking out of the door of time and closing it. He noticed that he only had two spiritual stones meaning that Darunia knew about him and Ruto was not after Navi. Oh, the Deku Tree was dead too. That didn't make him worry as much as Darunia knowing about his existence and openly wanting to hug him. "Off to Princess Zelda!"

-Hyrule Castle-

"PREPARE THE FORCES! ARM YOURSELVES, GET BACK UP!" A bell began to ring as soldiers filed out of the castle, surrounding Link, Barinade, Phantom, Volvagia, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, Koume, and Kotake. The cannons were aimed and all soldiers pointed their weapons at the group.

"I think we need a different approach," Phantom said, backing up a bit.

-Later-

"Stop humming that," Koume snapped.

"It's my sneaking theme!" Link declared before going back to humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. He ran out of his hiding spot, beat the guard unconscious with his shield, and then continued sneaking through the castle garden.

Outside, Bongo Bongo and Volvagia were playing cards with Kae Gae.

Link found Zelda staring in the window again. "Ganondorf in there again?" he asked her.

"No," she said, turning around. "My dad hired someone to wrap my birthday presents and I- Who are they?"

"I AM BARINADE!"

"Morpha at your service."

"She is Kotake."

"And she is Koume."

"I am Phantom Ganon, unrelated to Ganondorf."

"I have a great story to tell you! I got the third stone, then Ganondorf came in and killed everyone! I got the Master Sword and was frozen in time for seven years, then came out as a huge, powerful, incredible warrior! I went around guided by a ninja, made an army of nine, and kicked Ganondorf's ass! You sent me back to now so you could get Ganondorf arrested before he goes and kills everyone again! It was so cool."

Phantom then explained things more coherent and truthfully.

"So now I need to get Ganondorf arrested... You do know that I've been trying that for weeks, right?"

"I have a way to solve that." They turned to see Gohma suddenly in the area. "You told me to..."

-A few days later-

"Ganondorf has been captured," Zelda announced. "That was some good thinking, future me."

"I'm surprised that it worked," Link admitted. "It seemed kind of insane, especially the part where the cake was put on the bear trap and set on fire."

"I'd like to punch you and say that that never happened," Gohma groaned. "I really, really would... but you're right."

"The country is saved," Zelda proclaimed. "It's technically thanks to me, but I'll let you all have the glory this time. Good job Link, you did well."

"After spending all that time with future you, hearing you compliment Link is like having your own mother kick you in the groin," King Dodongo said. "Unexpected, confusing, and painful. Seriously, you saying that physically hurt me."

"You're all really mean," Link told him.

"I'm going drinking," Phantom said.

"Party at Dodongo's Tavern!" King Dodongo declared. "Everything is one rupee off!" He paused. "Nah, never mind that. Everything is still full price."

"You know Koume, this may be the perfect time to go off to an unknown part of the world and set up that store we've always wanted to," Kotake said. "There's still us to manage the Gerudo so nothing will go wrong."

"Sounds fine to me, Kotake. We can sell those potions we've been working on."

"Yes, that's a great idea Koume!"

"Wait, so you weren't thinking it already? That was a big part of setting up the shop."

"Shut up Koume."

"I will stay here and bask in the glory of being a hero!" Link announced.

"That's very good." Link froze and looked up, seeing Kae Gae perched above him.

"GUARDS! ARMY PEOPLE!"

"Quiet Link. You have done a good job up to this point, stopping Ganondorf twice and gaining many allies in the process." Kae Gae nodded to himself. "Now you can go looking for Navi in a far off land where you will encounter a mask wearing Skull Kid and get involved in another adventure that will be even more perilous and have more enemies and allies after you get turned into a potted plant for three days."

"What?"

"You heard me."


End file.
